Which one of us is the selfish bastard.

[VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN]

It’s my birthday on Monday. Not a significant one but my birthday all the same. “D”P will be at work and it’ll just be me and 3 y/o DD.

My mum took DD for the weekend to give us time to do something nice for my birthday. He hasn’t seen his brother for a few weeks so he’s gone there and got absolutely bladdered and has been passed out in bed since 8:30pm. I’ve gone mad and said it’s the 1 fucking time I ask for anything, even just a drink in a Wetherspoons. I’m pissed off he’s bought his brother beer cos he lent money off me on Monday.

We’ve been together 5 years. Never had a card or present yet for some reason I bought him a PS5 for his last birthday. So he’s spent £340 in one day on himself and his little brother who only comes round on payday.

Ive no friends anymore as I’m a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much. My family hate him so my relationship with them is strained so I literally had 0 other plans. And I thought it was normal for couples to celebrate birthdays. We can’t do it on Monday.

Ive said he’s selfish. He called me selfish.
I’m fed up to high heaven.

We’ve been together 5 years. Never had a card or present yet for some reason I bought him a PS5 for his last birthday. So he’s spent £340 in one day on himself and his little brother who only comes round on payday.
What kind of a number has this dreadful little shit done on you that you have to ask advice whether YOU are the selfish one?

Ive no friends anymore as I’m a SAHM and relying on the bit of UC top up so I don’t have the money or childcare to go out much. My family hate him so my relationship with them is strained so I literally had 0 other plans. And I thought it was normal for couples to celebrate birthdays. We can’t do it on Monday.
So your 'partner' doesn't share his income with his SAH coparent, won't sit with his own children so you can see your friends, so has effectively socially isolated you via financial abuse?

I think a job, a return to good relations with your family, & having friends back in your life would make you far happier than tolerating this twat in your life.
What's the point of him? - & what would you need to do, practically, in order to separate from him?

Oh he absolutely could afford to help out with childcare money so I could work but he won’t. He works for his money so spends it on himself that’s his ethos. I don’t bother arguing cos it’s absolutely pointless and it falls on death ears.

@KettrickenSmiled thats exactly what I’ve questioned, whether I am being financially abused

You HAVE friends, he's just cut you off from them by turning you into being default parent with no money. You haven't forgotten all your social skills, you are just panicking & catastrophising - which is a common reaction to feeling overwhelmed.

You take this one step at a time.
Get a job - any job.
Get your skills - both professional & soft - slowly back on track.
Opportunity leads to opportunity. Once you are back in work, you will feel more like your old self, & be able to gradually build yourself back up. Nothing will change while you allow this dynamic - the one where he earns all the money, spends it on himself & keeps you short - to continue.

Take your life back in your hands OP.
No need to make hard & fast decisions yet - but every need to start taking small steps in a different direction, build up your self esteem via work, & take back some control over your own life.

Wotcher OP - take some time to work out exactly what he'd be asked to pay via CMS if you split. Then think about how much that money would mean to you & your DC ... & start taking those small steps.

You don't need to make any huge decisions yet - but you DO need to start actively daydreaming about how your life will look when you take back your power. blog.mindvalley.com/creative-visualization/

It is outrageous that he feels it's his right to deny you the opportunty to work, by refusing to pay childcare. It is 50% his responsibility! When do your free childcare hours kick in? Start working toward having a job to fit round those hours, & sod what your useless partner thinks about it.

I would put money on your self esteem improving rapidly as soon as you leave him, and your social life improving too. You just need to make the leap.

The advice I’ve received is definitely food for thought. I’m gonna treat myself tomorrow and just see what there is voluntary wise etc. My mums got me a gift off DD and a card so that’s cheered me up. I did ask if she fancied doing anything but she’s working today 3-11 so we’re gonna get some lunch at the weekend. Also it’s raining so we’re having an inside day today. I say we, me and DD. That oxygen thief has gone out.

I am gonna have a look at doing the freedom programme. I know if I told him to get out now I wouldn’t stick to it I’m not strong enough yet. But I will be

I am gonna have a look at doing the freedom programme. I know if I told him to get out now I wouldn’t stick to it I’m not strong enough yet. But I will be

That's the ticket OP - this is exactly the attitude you need to cultivate. Just keep your head down, keep dreaming, keep planning, & slowly start taking your life back.

I hope next years birthday weekend is filled with drinks, nice food loads of dancing and just fun. I love DD more than anything, I’d do anything for her. But for once in my life I’d rather do something for me other than entertain DD again. Like why do I never get to just go out and do what I want. This birthday has to be hands down one of, if not the worst.

When you get there to boot him out change the locks. Barrels are very easy to do.

And when you feel up to it talk to your mum or another family member you feel you can be open with. They will help you keep the courage to stay split up with him. Will also be a massive help to have at least one of them there when you give him his marching orders. And for the short term ask them if it would be possible to do any contact handovers at theirs to give you some moral support.

He will try and get you to take him back by making false promises. Just remember he’s shown you for years his true nature.

I really, really don't want to sound facetious but I concede this is going to sound horrible however I ask.... how are you able to afford a PS and money to top him up on U.C / benefits?

(I am on receipt of benefits myself, although I do work but I'm genuinely curious)

Good fucking grief

@Crunchymum i had a decent job. I have a little bit saved up. I didn’t intend on buying it but he went on and on and on and on so I gave in.

Don't get yourself into debt for him @VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN

Been there and done that and thanks for not taking offence to my question.

It may be worth having a big think about why a man who earns will drain your savings. Its just another example of what a parasite he is.

Sell the PlayStation.

If you leave him you will be better off as he will have to give you maintenance.

Do the freedom program and get help from women's aid.

You are worth more. If you can't do it for you, do it for your child. It's no role model for her.

A happier update for you all.
DD usually goes to a play group at our local community centre but it was cancelled today for a Diwali celebration which we went to. It was amazing, we’ve eaten so much food and danced and made paper decorations. I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday really mood wise

I’m so glad you had a lovely day in the end! Happy birthday for yesterday x

He's showing you exactly how much he cares about you OP

I’m gonna speak to womens aid on Monday once’s he’s at work. I do think I’m being abused. Ive been spat at today because I won’t buy a new washing machine (had it since May 2021)
I don’t want to leave my house.

Coincidently a games console was involved in the spoiling of my 40th..
My 41 was brilliant! I met now dh soon after.

Been 10 years with a selfless man. Very refreshing!

Oh my love, I'm so sorry. I hope Womens Aid can help.

I put YABU. I put this because you chose this idiot, you put up with this idiot and you stay there.
Don't moan..move!!

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood what is it with these cunts and games?! It must come hand in hand. You’d have to be an even bigger shit to ruin a big bday like a 40th

He spat at you? He has no respect for you, does he?

Are you in rented or your own house? Whose name is it in? You really need to get rid of this waste of space, he’s financially and emotionally abusing you.

My exh had shut a door in my arm a few weeks before.. The end was inevitable for me after that.

No one deserves this treatment. Glad to hear you’re getting in touch with womens aid OP. Just know that life without him will be soo much brighter and happier than life with him. X