I’m going to try not to drip feed, so this will be long. And NC because of identifying details.
DH and I have been married nearly 30 years, straight from uni, and he’s 2 years younger than me. He was fired from his professional job 25 years ago for (among other things) getting drunk after work every evening and saying stupid and nasty things to his bosses. At the time, we had applied to adopt where we were living, after 5 years of trying for a child, and I had also got a new very prestigious job that paid more than his. Meanwhile he got 6 months’ notice but made no effort to look for a new job.
Then by luck, he got offered a decent job out of the blue by a friend – only, in another country, where spouses don't get work visas. So he insisted that I had to give up both my career and any chance of adoption. We nearly divorced over it, but because I could see that divorce would also end my chances of children (and because I did believe we should try to stay married!), I gave up my job and moved with him. But I told him clearly and repeatedly that he had made his choice and should not expect me to get a good job again.
By sheer luck, I later did get pregnant (with IVF etc), and we eventually up with two kids. And I and the two kids made a great effort to adapt to our new country: learning the language, making friends. DH was never really happy there, though, and always wanting to get a job in the UK. Which he finally did, 15 years ago – right when our children and I were truly settled and really didn’t want to move. But again, we followed him. His new job has kept him travelling internationally every week, and dining out (with “clients”) at least half the nights he was in the country, apart from covid. And our younger child turned out to have severe learning disabilities (as in, will never live independently).
Still, 8 years ago, I decided to go back to work. I got one firm offer in hand from my previous employer, and one very likely offer from their chief competitor, both jobs not ahead of where I had been, but not behind either. I was so flattered and pleased. When my husband found out, though, he said I couldn’t take any job here, because he had decided we were going to move to the USA. By then, I knew better than to believe we would really move (he’s always been a big talker), but the message I got was that he really, really didn’t want me to be working, wouldn’t adapt to my working, and would basically never take any job of mine as important.
So I gave up. Which I do regret. And now, aged 55 (2 years younger than me), he wants to retire. He isn’t making any effort to find a part-time or lower-stress job that would at least pay something more than I could earn stacking shelves in Tesco. We don’t have enough savings and pensions to live on for the next (possibly) 40 years even if we didn’t have a disabled child, so he is constantly grousing that I need to “get back to work” and talking to our children as if I were plain lazy and “holding a grudge from 25 years ago.”
I don’t mind going and stacking shelves in Tesco if he does too, but frankly I don’t see why I should do that just so he can sit around doing nothing. If I go back to work to support us, I might as well just support myself and our kids.
AIBU? And short of LTB, any other advice?