not to go back to work as DH want to retire?

[nowwhatnext]

I’m going to try not to drip feed, so this will be long. And NC because of identifying details.

DH and I have been married nearly 30 years, straight from uni, and he’s 2 years younger than me. He was fired from his professional job 25 years ago for (among other things) getting drunk after work every evening and saying stupid and nasty things to his bosses. At the time, we had applied to adopt where we were living, after 5 years of trying for a child, and I had also got a new very prestigious job that paid more than his. Meanwhile he got 6 months’ notice but made no effort to look for a new job.

Then by luck, he got offered a decent job out of the blue by a friend – only, in another country, where spouses don't get work visas. So he insisted that I had to give up both my career and any chance of adoption. We nearly divorced over it, but because I could see that divorce would also end my chances of children (and because I did believe we should try to stay married!), I gave up my job and moved with him. But I told him clearly and repeatedly that he had made his choice and should not expect me to get a good job again.

By sheer luck, I later did get pregnant (with IVF etc), and we eventually up with two kids. And I and the two kids made a great effort to adapt to our new country: learning the language, making friends. DH was never really happy there, though, and always wanting to get a job in the UK. Which he finally did, 15 years ago – right when our children and I were truly settled and really didn’t want to move. But again, we followed him. His new job has kept him travelling internationally every week, and dining out (with “clients”) at least half the nights he was in the country, apart from covid. And our younger child turned out to have severe learning disabilities (as in, will never live independently).

Still, 8 years ago, I decided to go back to work. I got one firm offer in hand from my previous employer, and one very likely offer from their chief competitor, both jobs not ahead of where I had been, but not behind either. I was so flattered and pleased. When my husband found out, though, he said I couldn’t take any job here, because he had decided we were going to move to the USA. By then, I knew better than to believe we would really move (he’s always been a big talker), but the message I got was that he really, really didn’t want me to be working, wouldn’t adapt to my working, and would basically never take any job of mine as important.

So I gave up. Which I do regret. And now, aged 55 (2 years younger than me), he wants to retire. He isn’t making any effort to find a part-time or lower-stress job that would at least pay something more than I could earn stacking shelves in Tesco. We don’t have enough savings and pensions to live on for the next (possibly) 40 years even if we didn’t have a disabled child, so he is constantly grousing that I need to “get back to work” and talking to our children as if I were plain lazy and “holding a grudge from 25 years ago.”

I don’t mind going and stacking shelves in Tesco if he does too, but frankly I don’t see why I should do that just so he can sit around doing nothing. If I go back to work to support us, I might as well just support myself and our kids.

AIBU? And short of LTB, any other advice?

Yes he sounds selfish but tbh it also sounds like you didn't exactly force the issue either. Ultimately maybe it has suited you to not force this and it has clearly suited him to have you at home while he worked on his career. Sounds like you have also enjoyed a good lifestyle and standard of living. Anyway if you leave you will probably need to work so I would start looking for something. Not to benefit him but for yourself.

What an awful, controlling, nasty little bastard.

I would leave him and be expecting maintenance.
What an absolutely bell.

fuck him

I don’t think the marriage is worth salvaging and yes he has a cheek. But you need to start taking some responsibility for your own decisions. Sounds like you are a perfectly capable person and could easily have made other choices.

Some of the stories I read on here are just heartbreaking. If I had a husband that did something like this to me, my hatred and resentment would know no bounds. You've only got one life and it's bloody short! I just can't imagine giving up EVERYTHING that was important to me just to stay married to a guy who is clearly a prick anyway. You gave up a good career, your home country, and potentially the option to have children, and now he treats you like this? There is NOTHING for you to do here except LTB.

Yes he's selfish, but you made the decisions about your life. I think you should work and if you no longer love and respect him leave him.

Short of going back in time and leaving him 25 years ago, the only sensible option is to leave now. What a selfish, awful husband he has been, and continues to be. What a shame you didn't take that job.

I don't honestly think you have a choice about getting a job. You need something to live on, and you clearly can't rely on him to provide it now it doesn't suit him any more.

Try and get a decent job and then leave him.

Why on earth have you put up with this selfish twat for so long?

Don’t project your life onto OP. She’s clearly worked and attempted to work and been told not to. Your mum being lazy is not relevant here.
a side note though- maybe your Dad is lying and your mum is so beaten down she has no self esteem? Or maybe she just lazy- who knows

The kids are probably adults by now so no maintenance required. Just a job, unfortunately for OP.

i don’t know how I feel but there’s been some good points for both sides.

‘*Well. YANBU to leave but I can’t understand any of your decision making at all I’m afraid.

You put yourself last every time, your husband never put you first, and I have no idea why you tonight it would ever be different?

How could you absent yourself from responsibility for your own life and happiness? It’s incomprehensible.*

I’m in your age bracket, and like Merryoldgoat I don’t understand why you’ve just drifted along for 30+ years. This is your life, the one you decided on.
Do you have the will to change? Yes, he’s an arse, but you are complicit in the mess. As an adult, you need to own your decisions too.

You've sacrificed so much for him. Don't sacrifice anymore.

If he does retire you’ll probably want to find a job anyway just to give yourself some space from him- he sounds like a bit of a shit to both be rattling around a house in.

but if you do end up getting a job I’d leave, why should the product of your toil go to supporting him.

AIBU? And short of LTB, any other advice?

no other advice.

LTB. Why wouldn't you? It's the best solution.

oh, and carry on working.

My mother has spent 40 years doing everything my dad wanted, and now, the only positive thing she has to show for it are the expensive care home bills. He never changed, and only now he is out of the house does she feel free and happy. Don't get trapped. Be independent. You can still get a fulfilling job.

im 60 and have started divorce proceedings ; I have a disabled adult DC too. Is a very scary process but as others have said, I couldn’t be a passenger in my own life (different reasons but some similarities).

Gosh you have certainly allowed this man to dictate your life. He’s a controlling bully. Me thinks it’s time for your freedom.

Seems to me that you've both done most of the hard yards already, moving back and forth, struggling to conceive, raising a child with sen. You've made big compromises for him; he probably feels that he has too for you, though his side of this story is obviously unclear.

Having got this far together, you can definitely find a compromise on working arrangements now, perhaps both working part time? Let go of past grievances if you can or they will poison your relationship. I wish you both well in your next phase.

Go back to work and divorce him, even with a disabled kid, your life would be happier and easier, honest. He is just tripping you down.

But it's not up to the husband to decide if the OP works or not, that's the issue. She has assumed he's the boss of her and hasn't taken any responsibility for her own life and future, probably because it was easier to be a SAHM, but it rarely pays off in the end.

Did you miss the bit where the OP's drunken waster of a husband forced her to choose between children or a job after years on the fertility mill?

And then scuppered her attempts to return to work? And that she is now having to find jobs that fit around a disabled child and that she would shelf stack if only he would work as well? Or were you just rushing to get in the humblebrag?

OP: I agree with @DeeCeeCherry You can't change the past but you can plan for a better future. You may have thirty or more years of life, don't waste any more of it.

I think this marriage is over, I have no idea how or why you have stayed for so long.

You need to talk to a good solicitor. Be very careful. If you divorce him when you are working and he has 'retired' (at 53 wtf) any settlement you get will reflect that. You will be better off starting proceedings while he is still working. Don't feel bad about this, you have facilitated his career for the past 25 years at least.

You have talked about your career path and your husbands but not about what he is like as a husband and father.

Does your child that can't live independently live at home? If your partner wanted to work less to spend time with them and care for them then I can understand where they are coming from. If they want to play golf and put their feet up will you end up in paid work and lots of caring work?

As suggested by a previous poster could you both work allowing him to reduce his grade or hours and then you are not under pressure to try to earn loads either.

I expect it will help you if your partner pulls his weight caring for your son. If he does nothing to help then your partner retiring will just mean more work for you.

In the past your husband has worked outside the home and you have cared for the family. If he wants to work less outside the home is he willing to spend lots of time caring for his family?

You had choices but you knowingly chose to gamble on an unsuitable man and relationship. This is the price you are paying for that.

I don’t mean to sound uncaring but you didn’t need a crystal ball to see this coming.

Many women choose to ignore the huge long term costs of being financially reliant on a man.