not to go back to work as DH want to retire?

[nowwhatnext]

I’m going to try not to drip feed, so this will be long. And NC because of identifying details.

DH and I have been married nearly 30 years, straight from uni, and he’s 2 years younger than me. He was fired from his professional job 25 years ago for (among other things) getting drunk after work every evening and saying stupid and nasty things to his bosses. At the time, we had applied to adopt where we were living, after 5 years of trying for a child, and I had also got a new very prestigious job that paid more than his. Meanwhile he got 6 months’ notice but made no effort to look for a new job.

Then by luck, he got offered a decent job out of the blue by a friend – only, in another country, where spouses don't get work visas. So he insisted that I had to give up both my career and any chance of adoption. We nearly divorced over it, but because I could see that divorce would also end my chances of children (and because I did believe we should try to stay married!), I gave up my job and moved with him. But I told him clearly and repeatedly that he had made his choice and should not expect me to get a good job again.

By sheer luck, I later did get pregnant (with IVF etc), and we eventually up with two kids. And I and the two kids made a great effort to adapt to our new country: learning the language, making friends. DH was never really happy there, though, and always wanting to get a job in the UK. Which he finally did, 15 years ago – right when our children and I were truly settled and really didn’t want to move. But again, we followed him. His new job has kept him travelling internationally every week, and dining out (with “clients”) at least half the nights he was in the country, apart from covid. And our younger child turned out to have severe learning disabilities (as in, will never live independently).

Still, 8 years ago, I decided to go back to work. I got one firm offer in hand from my previous employer, and one very likely offer from their chief competitor, both jobs not ahead of where I had been, but not behind either. I was so flattered and pleased. When my husband found out, though, he said I couldn’t take any job here, because he had decided we were going to move to the USA. By then, I knew better than to believe we would really move (he’s always been a big talker), but the message I got was that he really, really didn’t want me to be working, wouldn’t adapt to my working, and would basically never take any job of mine as important.

So I gave up. Which I do regret. And now, aged 55 (2 years younger than me), he wants to retire. He isn’t making any effort to find a part-time or lower-stress job that would at least pay something more than I could earn stacking shelves in Tesco. We don’t have enough savings and pensions to live on for the next (possibly) 40 years even if we didn’t have a disabled child, so he is constantly grousing that I need to “get back to work” and talking to our children as if I were plain lazy and “holding a grudge from 25 years ago.”

I don’t mind going and stacking shelves in Tesco if he does too, but frankly I don’t see why I should do that just so he can sit around doing nothing. If I go back to work to support us, I might as well just support myself and our kids.

AIBU? And short of LTB, any other advice?

You’ve made some really poor choices to trust this man. Hope you manage to leave now and find your own financial independence

Isn’t he? He’s ruined your life.

My situation wasn't quite the same - I held onto my career by freelancing, but did uproot myself and the kids to further DP's career to both the kids and my detriment more than once.

For me, I think my resentment really started when I'd decided to get back to a 'proper job' had a few really good offers (earning same/more as now ex) and even though he'd encouraged me through the process, when the rubber hit the road of splitting up how we would manage with the kids, he flat out refused to do anything (despite working for a massive company, in a fairly senior role, with flexitime which he was happy to use when he wanted a lie-in). Luckily (or not) I got a bigger freelance role soon after, and things hobbled on for a few more years although always with an underlying sense of disbelief in his selfishness, until the latest move, and his latest job required more travelling, and he decided that the kids and I were too boring (possibly because every 18 months I was having to start over in a new place, with no family or friends each time, which does rather take up a lot of mental resource!), and started having affairs/using prostitutes/visiting gay saunas which obviously meant that I couldn't fool myself any longer and I had to end it.

In my case, due to his general disinterest and travelling, the kids didn't even notice, and life was actually easier for me in many ways - no other adult to consider, none of his mess to clean up or his paperwork to do for him. The only time I really notice a bad side is about 8:30pm when the kids are tucked up, and it's me, alone in the house unable to leave or do anything (since consideration of him taking significant responsibility for the kids was ridiculous for me to suggest obviously - I have the email where he says that!)

YANBU. You are not being petty. If you do this (and I think you will be happier if you do - seething resentment eats at you), take your share - half pensions etc. You sacrificed significantly for him, and you need to remember that.

Too many are picking over the past here. You may have contributed in the past, Perhaps You made easy choices. But with the problems and work associated with babies, NO blame on you.
You sound as if you can think logically. So think OP. You are where you are.
Decide on the priorities for you. He has not done any such thinking he has no ambition.
You both have time for one more serious project in your lives. You must decide what that is to be. If you decide if it is for you+family or if he is involved.

He has no right to get in your way or slow you at all. Whilst you are planning this take charge of the finances. If you stay together, he must become full time 'house spouse'. That will allow you to concentrate on doing a real job.

YANBU but this. There's a limit to how much you can push responsibility for the decisions you make onto ànother person.

Think about what you want to do next.

Sorry no advice other than LTB.

He sounds like a delusional and abusive prick.

Did he not want you to go back to work years ago so he could socialise and have a lovely time so you didn’t need him for childcare etc? It all seems to be what suits him? What do you truly want? Do you want a career? It’s not to late. How much do your children need you? You need to tell him what you plan/want to do and see what he says. If your not fitting together in your plan there is your answer. He sounds controlling I would consider therapy if I was you it may help with your decisions.

Can you leave him and get some of his pension?

It sounds like you have used each other and don’t actually love each other, OP. You make no mention of doing anything or moving anywhere for your dh, only of doing things to preserve your chance of having children or to preserve a marriage just because marriages should be preserved as a matter of principle. You have been punishing each other most of your married lives, you are clearly contemptuous of him, and I’m not surprised he feels resentful of you in addition to you feeling resentful of him. Have you ever actually had much fun together in your marriage, or have you just led parallel lives, where you live where he works and make a life for yourself and your children, and he does his work thing and has a woman and children living in the house with him?!

YANBU but you are just as much to blame as him.

You went along with all of these things.

If you wanted to go back to work then you could have but you were content on not working for years and now that he’s saying you need to get a job, you’ve suddenly found your voice.

You’ve made it sound like you want to get back to work.
So why not go back to work and let him look after the DCs and do all of the housework and cooking etc.

You will end up both getting what you want and you’ll have some financial independence if you decide you’ve had enough of this relationship.

He is certainly re-writing history, and maybe you are too. But that doesn't really matter, and it doesn't really matter why you got to this position. What matters is what is the best thing to do now.

Will you stay and forever be subject to the whims of his decisions? Or leave and forge your own path?

Get some really good legal advice so you understand all your options and the best steps to take. As pp noted, beware of getting into a position before divorce where you are earning and he is not. However, in the meantime can you enbark on some training? Something to update your skills? That's going to be helpful whatever you choose to do.

I agree with the PP who said to forget the past, it's done. How do you want the rest of your life to be? Start working towards that. TBH, from what you've written, I would be looking to leave him and get a job. Can you do anything to freshen up your skills? Get something a bit more junior in your previous field? Employment rates are incredibly low, there's a lot of hard to fill vacancies so it's a good time to get out there.

You have up your career to traipse around the world after him and have a dependent child to look after. I didn't support you returning to work because he didn't want to step up with share the parental and household work I suspect. He wanted to continue you work socialising/hosting having the life he preferred whilst being away.

Honesty I think I would divorce he will be miserable to be retried with. He'll bully you into working and still expect you to do everything else won't he?

Do you even like him because reading your post I certainly don’t !
Think what life would be like with him at home most if the time actually with you. Part of me thinks you have survived so long because he wasn’t about much.

Look at finances the 50/50 split and then look at the website ‘entitled to’ to see what you could get benefits wise. Once you have done this and have the cold hard facts about finances then think about leaving him. Whatever you do don’t give him any inkling at all not tell anyone who may give the game away even by accident.

You've made some poor choices and there’s is a high degree of passivity & acquiescence to his wishes. He is a ghastly dominant man who has always gotten his way.
Have a good think what you want to do. Do you want to retrain? Do a conversion course at uni, look at working
Get some legal advice if you’re thinking of divorce etc

so hes made the deicsions youre whole married life and now youre left with noting to show for it

hes a maniuplative bastard

YADNBU but would be to stay with this awful, awful, person.

if you are unwaged housewife you’re always in a precarious position, beholden to the man and his career. @nowwhatnext has made some spectacularly poor decisions.At times she’s been beneficiary too, not working but no financial responsibility and everything paid for. It’s always a precarious imbalance to be unwaged and dependent upon a partner. Mumsnet is a salutary warning of being passive and dependent on a man. I know I will probably get a mn pushback here about raising family, making sacrifices for family etc. Women need to stop competing to e the winner in giving things up for others competition

What a load of absolute dick pandering bollocks.

God he just sounds awful.

What I find particularly annoying is that you have had the 'career chat' at least twice, where you have consciously decided that his career comes before yours. Now he decides he wants to give it up even when he can't afford to for himself or his family.

Any decent man would suck it up quite frankly.

He has frequently and consistently shown you who he is. Do you want to stay with him.

Whatever happens, I would look at your job options are

Well OP has had a job that supported the family, not once, but twice, and guess what, he wanted her to stop. Have you done that to your husband too so that then you can moan about how lazy he is, or could it in fact be a different situation?

Before you make any decisions, on what to do re your husband you need to find out what job you can get. Can you even get a decently paid job? similar to the two that you were offered eight years ago? what about your children - how much care do they now need?

Sorry, got pulled away repeatedly. Partly, in fact, by writing up my CV and looking at where to send it/post it. Even though it feels so late to be doing this, you're not wrong, it's time for me to take charge of my own decisions. So see you (hopefully) on the commute next year. Whether divorced or not might depend on how he responds.

Just to be clear, the two most helpful things I'm hearing here are: 1 time to stop being so passive about it all, and 2 perhaps it's not too late to get a job I'd actually like doing.

@Naunet She didn't say she was happy to support the family- in fact she was pretty dismissive of the fact he lost his job and obviously wanted him to get one.

But that wasn't my point- the point was that the narrative about why decisions were made is very subjective people change it to suit themselves and the circumstances - not always consciously