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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to go back to work as DH want to retire?

107 replies

nowwhatnext · 21/10/2022 22:44

I’m going to try not to drip feed, so this will be long. And NC because of identifying details.

DH and I have been married nearly 30 years, straight from uni, and he’s 2 years younger than me. He was fired from his professional job 25 years ago for (among other things) getting drunk after work every evening and saying stupid and nasty things to his bosses. At the time, we had applied to adopt where we were living, after 5 years of trying for a child, and I had also got a new very prestigious job that paid more than his. Meanwhile he got 6 months’ notice but made no effort to look for a new job.

Then by luck, he got offered a decent job out of the blue by a friend – only, in another country, where spouses don't get work visas. So he insisted that I had to give up both my career and any chance of adoption. We nearly divorced over it, but because I could see that divorce would also end my chances of children (and because I did believe we should try to stay married!), I gave up my job and moved with him. But I told him clearly and repeatedly that he had made his choice and should not expect me to get a good job again.

By sheer luck, I later did get pregnant (with IVF etc), and we eventually up with two kids. And I and the two kids made a great effort to adapt to our new country: learning the language, making friends. DH was never really happy there, though, and always wanting to get a job in the UK. Which he finally did, 15 years ago – right when our children and I were truly settled and really didn’t want to move. But again, we followed him. His new job has kept him travelling internationally every week, and dining out (with “clients”) at least half the nights he was in the country, apart from covid. And our younger child turned out to have severe learning disabilities (as in, will never live independently).

Still, 8 years ago, I decided to go back to work. I got one firm offer in hand from my previous employer, and one very likely offer from their chief competitor, both jobs not ahead of where I had been, but not behind either. I was so flattered and pleased. When my husband found out, though, he said I couldn’t take any job here, because he had decided we were going to move to the USA. By then, I knew better than to believe we would really move (he’s always been a big talker), but the message I got was that he really, really didn’t want me to be working, wouldn’t adapt to my working, and would basically never take any job of mine as important.

So I gave up. Which I do regret. And now, aged 55 (2 years younger than me), he wants to retire. He isn’t making any effort to find a part-time or lower-stress job that would at least pay something more than I could earn stacking shelves in Tesco. We don’t have enough savings and pensions to live on for the next (possibly) 40 years even if we didn’t have a disabled child, so he is constantly grousing that I need to “get back to work” and talking to our children as if I were plain lazy and “holding a grudge from 25 years ago.”

I don’t mind going and stacking shelves in Tesco if he does too, but frankly I don’t see why I should do that just so he can sit around doing nothing. If I go back to work to support us, I might as well just support myself and our kids.

AIBU? And short of LTB, any other advice?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 22/10/2022 03:39

Retirement is hard in marriages. Even really good ones. For gods sake get out now. Don't waste another day. See at least one lawyer asap. You are going to fuck yourself over totally if you don't. This is not the 50s, there are no prizes for staying.

Your kids will not want to come and see you in the future if you stay with him. They aren't blind. It will be a very lonely time ahead.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/10/2022 04:05

Obbydoo · 22/10/2022 02:02

My mum always said the same, i.e. that my dad didn't want her to work. My dad wholeheartedly disagreed and said he never said that. They got divorced and funnily enough my mum never got a job after they split up either (she was mid 40's at the time). It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out she'd been blaming him for years to cover her own lack of ambition/laziness (take your pick of which one!)

You're following a similar pattern, blaming your husband but now you have the chance to work you suddenly don't want to. Hmmm! You are your own person, if you had wanted to work, you could have worked but you personally chose not to and have sponged off him for years. We don't live in the 1920's, we are no longer beholden to men. It was your decision, not his. Stop kidding yourself and making excuses, time to get a grip and, more importantly, get a job. Whether that's married to him or separated from him, that's by the by. Get a job.

Are you that clueless or just nasty. Do you realise abusive/controlling men exist? Just because that was, the reason your mum didn't work doesn't mean OPs the same. I could of course be wrong. Maybe she is, but there are way more possible reasons a stay at home parent isn't working then just laziness or lack of ambition. The DH sounds like the kind of man who'd still expect OP to do all the work caring for their disabled child and housework even if she worked full time.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/10/2022 04:14

TheCurseOfBoris · 21/10/2022 23:36

You've sacrificed your career and followed him around. Now he wants to retire early and send you out to work.
Time to get your ducks in a row. You'll be overflowing with resentment if you stay with him.

This .

LTB as soon as you have a job or UC lined up. Don't let him retire and rely on you, you'll feel even more trapped.

SuperCamp · 22/10/2022 04:43

Does he have pensions as a result of his jobs?

Seek advice, OP. And look very carefully at your prospects.

I am assuming that you do not have enough NI contributions for your state pension? You can check your record on the Gov.uk website. You do get credits while claiming Child Benefit but as you were out of the country you might not? Do you get Carers Allowance?

If he ‘retires’ (has he been sacked again?) and has no income, and at the pint of divorce you are working, you might end up with a less than good deal on your share of his pension. Talk this over with a solicitor.

pinkfondu · 22/10/2022 05:02

You can't live your life for the next 40 years like this surely? You've hit the nail on the head, why when you would not be worse off leaving?

Is he planning on caring for your child when you work? Is he planning on swapping roles fully or you just working as well?

JustKittenAround · 22/10/2022 05:26

Let him grumble and wait him out if you won’t leave him. He will get worse and you likely will. He sounds like he’s mad at you.

Notcreativeatall · 22/10/2022 05:40

I'm a bit biased on this probably and more in line with Obbydoo.
My DP is not working and we live overseas because of my job. I also travel a bit for work.
He would say that he wants to work but has always put my work first - he'd build up a job then we had to move. He can't work because of childcare etc but my reality is that he never wants to work and comes up with excuses; he's always had jobs which can't support even him let alone a family. when I lost my job he wouldn't look for a better job. He retrained (i paid) but not for a job that could ever support us. He chose the overseas location (it is his dream place not mine) rather than a move in the UK. He has chosen not to work where we are (we might move back/he needs to get x, y.z first..) but doesn't want to return to the uk. he doesn't want to just do a job - but a job he loves .
From my POV he is living the life of a retired person- the cost really being that i can't retire.
But MN calls him a cocklodger and tells you to LTB

I do see that it is different from your perspective but a lot of it is perception

Obki · 22/10/2022 05:41

YANBU. I wish you had taken the job 8 years ago, as you would have had a career now. I also agree with you that going into retirement with this man does not bode well. What is the financial situation now, do you own property, have savings, is his pension good? I would be gathering details of all finances.

Also, you had ‘a super prestigious job’ 25 years ago, and you say you could have got that same job at the same level 8 years ago with your previous employer. Is it possible that your old employer would take you back?

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2022 05:47

So you've done what he's asked all these years and now he's blaming you?!

He clearly didn't want you working throughout those years but now he wants to sit on his backside with his feet up doing sod all, it's suddenly ok for you to go out to work to support his patheticness. I don't think so!!!

I know you asked for other advice rather than just LTB but there isn't any. LTB!

girlmom21 · 22/10/2022 06:08

I'd leave. You're both so resentful of each other and I don't think there's a way back from that.

Alertthecorgis · 22/10/2022 06:21

He sounds awful. I assume you’ve been caring for your disabled child all these years as well. I’ve got a severely disabled child and my job prospects are very low (I have a job in a school as it’s the only one I can get).

I would consider leaving him. It doesn’t sound like you’re a team and he’s changing the narrative to blame you.

LaPufalina · 22/10/2022 06:28

How many years of National Insurance contributions do you have, OP?

whereisthejasmine · 22/10/2022 06:33

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, of his making. He sounds awful.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/10/2022 06:38

Divorce this man. And then he can try to retire after giving you a fair share of the marital assets. The fact he wouldn’t let you work is important.

Do it now. Before he retires.

susan12345678 · 22/10/2022 06:43

Ugh, I felt furious for you just reading this, op. You would surely be better off on your own than with someone so determined to sabotage your happiness.

Malfi · 22/10/2022 06:48

Lack of ambition and laziness are not the same thing. You can be unambitious and very hard-working.

Saracen · 22/10/2022 07:03

Won't your DH still have to work hard if he retires and you go back to work? Wouldn't he be looking after his disabled child?

Snoken · 22/10/2022 07:03

He does sound like a tricky character, but you also sound incredibly passive when it comes to your own life choices and you have allowed him to call all the shots for some reason, and they were never going to in your favour. Even in a marriage each spouse has to look out for themselves and make longterm plans to make sure they will be ok with or without the other person.

I don’t know your age, but regardless you need to start prioritising yourself now and get back on the job market, save like crazy for your retirement and leave your husband. If he’s retiring he can take over the caring for your disabled child too.

Ogwen · 22/10/2022 07:10

She's 55

Dox9 · 22/10/2022 07:13

Op you have facilitated his life decisions for 30 years at the expense of yourself as an individual. This time is no different and he's just the same selfish man as always. If you stay married, I bet he will get very controlling with money once there isn't much coming in. Take what you can now.

Ogwen · 22/10/2022 07:14

Sorry OP, I don't have much advice because I would have left him 8 years ago when he stopped you going back to work.

MavisChunch29 · 22/10/2022 07:18

I'd have divorced him for getting drunk eery day 25 years ago. Don't waste any more of your life on this disgraceful individual, would be my advice.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/10/2022 07:19

go out to work, go out to a hobby, so you dont hav to face this retired man everyday

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/10/2022 07:23

please leave him

TTCBBY3 · 22/10/2022 07:23

I'm actually just grateful that someone @Obbydoo on MN can actually recognise that all women are NOT completely blameless in every single situation, and that OP @nowwhatnext has enough enough self awareness to accept her comments graciously.

OP you've accepted yourself that you gave up the idea of working without much of a fuss. I am a SAHM to two pre schoolers (with another on the way) and I have no desire to work. My husband earns very well, enough to support us without me needing to work and he makes no secret of the fact that me going to work would make his life a lot harder. So me not working is "mutually beneficial" so to speak.

The issue here is that you're blaming each other for the situation you now find yourself in, when actually it's something you both decided worked for you at the time and you need to accept that times have changed and you must both adapt, without playing the blame game and finding reasons for the other to hold responsibility. He cannot retire, whether he wants to or not. He can get a less stressful lower paid job and you can get a similar job and share the financial burden. There's no reason for either of you to lay around while the other works their arse off unwillingly.

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