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AIBU?

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Original poster

18 Year old daughter has just told me that she has an STI

80 replies

wowitsonefifty · 21/10/2022 14:29

AIBU to feel both upset about it but happy that she felt she could talk to me about it.She is genuinely shocked which, considering the sex ed they get at home and at school is ongoing. We are in Ireland so she is still at school.I just cant believe she didn't insist on the sexual partner using a condom.It's just not the done thing in our town, she said! She is protected with contraception but feel shocked, actually! This guy is a casual mate.. they were just starting something.... She has rang him and he was very appreciative and acknowledged how difficult it must have been to ring him.I only hope he is genuine because we live in a very small town and if this becomes some idle gossip, I'm not sure how her mental health would cope with that. She has started antibiotics earlier.It's chlamydia so I'm relieved that I brought her to the Dr and in fairness, Dr tested for everything. So, I'm not sure how I feel..horrified, proud, relieved,sad??? Please help me process.She is my eldest and I parent alone.Thanks

OP posts:
YouHaveAnArse · 21/10/2022 14:30

I'd worry less about the STI, which isn't any more shameful than any other medical condition, and more about 'not the done thing in our town' to wear a condom.

35965a · 21/10/2022 14:32

YouHaveAnArse · 21/10/2022 14:30

I'd worry less about the STI, which isn't any more shameful than any other medical condition, and more about 'not the done thing in our town' to wear a condom.

Yeah I think this is what I’d be tackling first ^

This time antibiotics will get rid of it, luckily. Next time it could be something worse.

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 14:33

Firstly, it's totally treatable.
Secondly, the consequence part of our brains isn't developed until 25 so things like this will happen despite our best attempts to educate.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is ensure it stays private, that she feels no stigma and is aware sti and std are very common. Firstly so she doesn't feel 'dirty' etc but also so she can hopefully protect herself in future. It's also worth mentioning that some STDs like herpes and genital warts can still be caught if using condoms. Do not explain this from a place of judgment though, just a practical consideration.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 14:34

I just cant believe she didn't insist on the sexual partner using a condom.It'st not the done thing in our town, she said!

This is what you should be going ballistic about. How fucking unbelievably stupid. Now that your daughter has been punched in the face by reality and is now dealing with the consequences, hopefully she's learned her lesson. Next time it could be something much, much worse to contend with.

TightDiamondShoes · 21/10/2022 14:34

My sister told my mum she’d caught it from sharing a towel at a sleepover. 😂 I suspect my parents preferred that version…

Askinforabaskin · 21/10/2022 14:34

At least she has taken the initiative to get tested and has told the other person. So I’d be glad she did that.

but I would rather she had the confidence to tell someone to wear a condom (regardless if it is the done thing in your town) than to tell her mum she has an STI.

I hope she now understands the importance of protection against STIs as well as pregnancy. She has gotten off lucky with just needing anti biotics, it could be much worse.

OP83 · 21/10/2022 14:35

I think it is testament to your parenting that she told you. You've obviously kept an honest line of communication open with her and this type of thing is when it 'pays off' so to speak.

She has been responsible in so much as she is using contraception so that's definitely to be admired. A condom would have been sensible but in the 'things 18 year old do' scheme it sounds like she has her head screwed on.

The fact she is upset by this would imply it's a lesson learned and she probably WILL use that condom next time.

Personally I wouldn't do anything that would jeopardise the honest and open relationship you clearly have with her and support her knowing that she has (hopefully) learned a lesson.

rmummyofone · 21/10/2022 14:36

Hi,
Here to give you a handhold. Sounds like it's quite a shock for you, how's your daughter feeling about it all? Dw too much about what people say, people always have things to say anyway.
Support her as much as you can and remind her she did the right thing telling you.

Worthyornot · 21/10/2022 14:37

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 14:34

I just cant believe she didn't insist on the sexual partner using a condom.It'st not the done thing in our town, she said!

This is what you should be going ballistic about. How fucking unbelievably stupid. Now that your daughter has been punched in the face by reality and is now dealing with the consequences, hopefully she's learned her lesson. Next time it could be something much, much worse to contend with.

This. Nothing to be proud of her stupidity. She deserves a bloody wake up call and few harsh words for being so irresponsible.

MolliciousIntent · 21/10/2022 14:37

Not insisting on condoms because it's "not the done thing" is unforgivably stupid. What else will she do because it's "the done thing"?? I'd be concerned by her susceptibility to peer pressure.

StopStartStop · 21/10/2022 14:39

Tell her firmly to keep her legs closed (and back to the wall) to any man who isn't properly clad in latex. Or latex-free. Whichever. 'Cover it or wank it, mate' might be a useful phrase.

Cw112 · 21/10/2022 14:40

As a youth worker in Ireland I find it really worrying how many young people won't use condoms now. "He doesn't like it" or "it's not meant to feel as good" are 'valid' excuses I hear ALL the time and I'm never done telling young people especially girls that if he doesn't want to wear one he doesn't have to, but then he doesn't get to have sex. So I'd say she probably is right in what she's saying and has picked this up from what her friends etc are doing/saying which is really sad. We need so much more done with our sex ed system and free condoms etc should be readily available and easily accessible. I think it's fantastic that she told you and felt able to be honest with you, it shows the strength of the relationship you've built with her. She'll live and learn from this hopefully and as she's a consenting adult who's entitled to have sex if she wants I think people will be less likely to talk hopefully. Good on her for being responsible getting checked and for ringing him as well - brave girlie!! If he starts any nonsense I'd remind him it's a small town and we know where the rumour started. He can't really start one without incriminating himself so I'd be tempted to remind him of that fact if she catches wind of any talk.

Isithotinhere · 21/10/2022 14:41

It's great that she told you - shows a loving, trusting relationship.

Very disappointing that they didn't use condoms too, hopefully she will in future, so I'd be a bit horrified too. And sad that she had to go through this.

As regards it getting around a small town, her friendship group sounds like they are generally sexually active, as they've talked to each other about not using condoms, so probably not a big deal for them.

Cw112 · 21/10/2022 14:44

Can we also just take a second to acknowledge it's not just her responsibility to make sure he wears a condom when she's already done her bit with birth control. Whyyyyy does responsibility for contraception always fall to the woman? So let's not blame her too harshly on that front he is equally if not moreso responsible for wrapping his own bits and I'd be driving that home to her that that part is on him and its her right to insist that he fulfils his responsibility.

FictionalCharacter · 21/10/2022 14:45

It’s good that she could talk to you. The “not the done thing” is worrying but you can’t put all the blame on her. There’s clearly a culture of boys pressuring girls not to use condoms. It takes strength to insist, and not all 18 year olds have enough confidence.

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 14:49

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 14:33

Firstly, it's totally treatable.
Secondly, the consequence part of our brains isn't developed until 25 so things like this will happen despite our best attempts to educate.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is ensure it stays private, that she feels no stigma and is aware sti and std are very common. Firstly so she doesn't feel 'dirty' etc but also so she can hopefully protect herself in future. It's also worth mentioning that some STDs like herpes and genital warts can still be caught if using condoms. Do not explain this from a place of judgment though, just a practical consideration.

It always baffles me adults still perpetuate this known ‘myth’ around brain development at 25

Fact is some people’s brains don’t fully develop until 40 (as seen in Australian studies) and some will have a fully developed brain by 17.

Rant over

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/10/2022 14:49

Honestly I would be talking to her about protecting herself and not worrying about what the “done thing” is and that her health is much more important and if a sexual partner is not willing to wear a condom then they do not have enough respect for her to be having sex in the first place.

I would reassure her that this time it’s completely treatable but something like HIV may not be.

MrsTimRiggins · 21/10/2022 14:49

I think it’s great that she felt she could talk to you, and lucky that it’s something easily treatable and seemingly treated early.
I would also be concerned that she comes out with such rubbish as it’s ‘not the done thing’ but hopefully this will help her learn not to be a dimwit in the future. She’s still very young and teenagers are inclined to be easily pressured and easily led.

LouLou198 · 21/10/2022 14:51

Not wanting to cause any unnecessary worry, but did the GP mention a HIV blood test? I know it cannot be detected straight away, so may be worth seeking some advice from local sexual health services around this.

MarigoldMoonStone · 21/10/2022 14:52

It's great that she felt she could tell you, don't ruin that by giving her a massive lecture about condoms maybe just a "hopefully that's an important lesson learned" will enough, and make sure she is aware of all the other horrible STI's or worse that it could have been.

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 14:53

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 14:49

It always baffles me adults still perpetuate this known ‘myth’ around brain development at 25

Fact is some people’s brains don’t fully develop until 40 (as seen in Australian studies) and some will have a fully developed brain by 17.

Rant over

Show quote history

the prefrontal cortex
The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex occurs primarily during adolescence and is fully accomplished at the age of 25 years. The development of the prefrontal cortex is very important for complex behavioral performance, as this region of the brain helps accomplish executive brain functions

I didn't say the brain. Its the consequence risk assessment part of the brain.
Clearly the comprehension part of your brain is still developing though.

GoldenCupidon · 21/10/2022 14:53

Sounds like you've done a great job, I would never dream of telling my mum of something like this.

The phrase I perfected for the would-be condom refusers was "I didn't realise you were ready to be a dad?"

Sounds like she's been an idiot (and her friend even more so as he's been spreading diseases) but she needs to build her confidence to stand up to men she fancies, such an important life skill.

jtaeapa · 21/10/2022 14:58

Just teach her to say: no condom is a deal breaker for me, have a nice night, bye. My BIL is one of these womanising fuckers who considers getting women into bed not to be enough of a challenge. So the challenge is now to get them to shag without a condom. He's shagged thousands. He's odious.

jtaeapa · 21/10/2022 14:58

And also, she can always say to any gossipy fuckers: I don't have an STI, so go look for something else to gossip about if that's all you do with your time.

ChimChimeny · 21/10/2022 14:58

Cw112 · 21/10/2022 14:44

Can we also just take a second to acknowledge it's not just her responsibility to make sure he wears a condom when she's already done her bit with birth control. Whyyyyy does responsibility for contraception always fall to the woman? So let's not blame her too harshly on that front he is equally if not moreso responsible for wrapping his own bits and I'd be driving that home to her that that part is on him and its her right to insist that he fulfils his responsibility.

Of course he is responsible too but she could (and should!) have said no - that's what she needs to learn