Page 2 | 18 Year old daughter has just told me that she has an STI

Worthyornot · 21/10/2022 14:59

Cw112 · 21/10/2022 14:44

Can we also just take a second to acknowledge it's not just her responsibility to make sure he wears a condom when she's already done her bit with birth control. Whyyyyy does responsibility for contraception always fall to the woman? So let's not blame her too harshly on that front he is equally if not moreso responsible for wrapping his own bits and I'd be driving that home to her that that part is on him and its her right to insist that he fulfils his responsibility.

Yes but it's her responsibility then to say no. She is the only one responsible for her choices.

Untitledsquatboulder · 21/10/2022 15:09

It's good that she felt she could confide in you @wowitsonefifty . I'd gently remind her that whatever is done "in your town" the only person who gets to decide how things are done in her body is her.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 21/10/2022 15:10

The response to a man who is reluctant to wear a condom is "How fantastic that you are so keen to have lots of babies!"

If that doesn't change their mind, a few comments about child support and nappies should do it.

AriettyHomily · 21/10/2022 15:18

wowitsonefifty · 21/10/2022 14:29

AIBU to feel both upset about it but happy that she felt she could talk to me about it.She is genuinely shocked which, considering the sex ed they get at home and at school is ongoing. We are in Ireland so she is still at school.I just cant believe she didn't insist on the sexual partner using a condom.It's just not the done thing in our town, she said! She is protected with contraception but feel shocked, actually! This guy is a casual mate.. they were just starting something.... She has rang him and he was very appreciative and acknowledged how difficult it must have been to ring him.I only hope he is genuine because we live in a very small town and if this becomes some idle gossip, I'm not sure how her mental health would cope with that. She has started antibiotics earlier.It's chlamydia so I'm relieved that I brought her to the Dr and in fairness, Dr tested for everything. So, I'm not sure how I feel..horrified, proud, relieved,sad??? Please help me process.She is my eldest and I parent alone.Thanks

She should have insisted on a condom that's the point you need to get through to her.

Not the done thing in our town - Jesus fucking Christ, so the boys all get their end away and the girls just let them?

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2022 15:45

“Not the done thing in our town” 😬, well they have both learnt the hard way and will hopefully now realise how important it is to use a condom, next time it could be something worse.

Funnily enough, a lot of people in their 30’s are diagnosed with STI’s so it’s not just a ‘young and stupid’ thing.

At least she went to be checked out and told you.

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/10/2022 15:48

These things happen, young people can be a bit trigger happy. As you say, the main thing to take away from it is that it's really great she trusted you with the information.

Fuckallthetories · 21/10/2022 15:49

Op she’s 18 not 8. She’s an adult. At least she told you, I remember being that age…… the most important thing now is that she AB’s and fgs get her a pack of condoms!

DaughterofDawn · 21/10/2022 15:50

Who told her it’s “not the done thing”? Lol. Tell her they don’t speak on behalf of the entire town. Does she think no one will sleep with her if she expects a condom to be used? Honestly she is better off getting a sex toy if that is how the boys/men in the town behave. Your daughter is being very foolish. Tell her if they aren’t going to be safe she shouldn’t have sex with them.

She’s lucky it was just an STI this time. Next time she might not be so lucky.

Hopeful she will take this as a lesson learned.

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 15:51

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 14:53

the prefrontal cortex
The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex occurs primarily during adolescence and is fully accomplished at the age of 25 years. The development of the prefrontal cortex is very important for complex behavioral performance, as this region of the brain helps accomplish executive brain functions

I didn't say the brain. Its the consequence risk assessment part of the brain.
Clearly the comprehension part of your brain is still developing though.

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Quite. But the part of the brain that learns cause and effect is there from age 2 at the latest. No condom (cause) = risk STI (effect) is not a concept that most scientists would classify as “complex behavioral performance” nor is it one of the “executive brain functions.”

DarkShade · 21/10/2022 15:51

At her age I had unprotected sex and didn't get tested until years later. Simply cannot explain it now, what was going through my head. She is young, her brain is still cooking - let this be a lesson, it's a treatable one and she knows to insist now.

DaughterofDawn · 21/10/2022 15:54

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 15:51

Quite. But the part of the brain that learns cause and effect is there from age 2 at the latest. No condom (cause) = risk STI (effect) is not a concept that most scientists would classify as “complex behavioral performance” nor is it one of the “executive brain functions.”

Show quote history

Thank you. I’m kind of sick of everyone falling back to “our brains aren’t fully developed until 24/25.” Even if that is true you have to start accepting responsibility at some point.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/10/2022 15:56

Proud is certainly not a word I would use to describe this situation.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/10/2022 15:57

In your shoes I’d be feeling happy that she trusted me enough to tell me and went to the Dr to address it. I would be sad she didn’t use condoms however I would think that this will mean she is much more likely to use condoms in the future.

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 15:59

DaughterofDawn · 21/10/2022 15:54

Thank you. I’m kind of sick of everyone falling back to “our brains aren’t fully developed until 24/25.” Even if that is true you have to start accepting responsibility at some point.

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Me too. It’s become an excuse for basic concepts which our brains can and do comprehend at a much younger age.

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 15:59

No one is saying don't take responsibility.
I'm saying a mistake is more likely when you are you get and not some sort of moral failing.
Even if the brain were fully developed at two (and I know Discover thinks it is from previous posts. Less said about that the better) experience and age puts you in a much better decision to make the right choice.

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 16:00

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 14:53

the prefrontal cortex
The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex occurs primarily during adolescence and is fully accomplished at the age of 25 years. The development of the prefrontal cortex is very important for complex behavioral performance, as this region of the brain helps accomplish executive brain functions

I didn't say the brain. Its the consequence risk assessment part of the brain.
Clearly the comprehension part of your brain is still developing though.

Show quote history

Nope, you stated that ‘the consequence part of the brain isn’t developed until 25.’

This is simply not true, many people have a fully formed and developed frontal cortex well before 25

This BS is usually spouted by those wishing to excuse poor decision making for anyone between the ages of 18-25

Unless you’ve done a brain scan on the posters DD you’re still posting crap.

madnesss · 21/10/2022 16:01

I'm not sure how I feel..horrified, proud, relieved,sad???

Why do you have to feel anything?

If it were my 18 year old of course I would advise condoms and be glad she sought out medical treatment but that's it. I would t be looking to feel any of the things you mentioned about her life.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/10/2022 16:03

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 15:59

No one is saying don't take responsibility.
I'm saying a mistake is more likely when you are you get and not some sort of moral failing.
Even if the brain were fully developed at two (and I know Discover thinks it is from previous posts. Less said about that the better) experience and age puts you in a much better decision to make the right choice.

Quite and even fairly sensible adults sometimes occasionally make silly decisions. I mean if we were all 100% logical we’d not ever get drunk etc.

I think there is an element of risk taking with teens too and maybe feeling that they’re invincible.

Vikinga · 21/10/2022 16:04

Hopefully it'll make her more careful in future. As for gossip...erm ..an 18 year old having sex isn't exactly a news item??

BedtimeBiscuits · 21/10/2022 16:06

I really think this place brings out the worst in people. The name calling of an 18 year old who made a mistake is really shocking.

OP, it is testament to your parenting that she told you, and good for her for realising that there was a potential problem and enlisting help - whether that was telling you or contacting the GP herself. Lots of people bury their heads in the sand and hope it all just goes away but she hasn't done that.

Keep on talking, especially about the condoms. If she has access to a sexual health clinic nearby then that might be a good suggestion - they can explore more about the condom comment and also role play how to negotiate condom use and teach her to put condoms on so she has more confidence in doing that. The statistics of young people (particularly boys/men) watching porn from a very young age is striking and of course most of those men won't be wearing condoms, so of course it's not thought to be the norm in young people now if they never see any condoms in porn. Teaching your daughter to understand where this comment has come from and to help her better negotiate with partners that she wants to use condoms would be of great benefit to her. Ideally, see if she and partners can get tested before they have sex - of course condoms are great but most people don't use them/dental dams for oral sex and infections can be passed in that way too, so regular testing would also be a really good thing to encourage.

Irishfarmer · 21/10/2022 16:06

I'm from small town Ireland and know how gossip goes, I doubt that lad will be spreading any himself because sure he'd have to tell people he has it.

I'd be glad she spoke to me, it shows you are very open with her and she trusts you. Not in a million years would I have told my mam!!

I'd say she has been burnt by this so no need to harp on but just remind her that whilst the pill will stop pregnancy she needs to use condoms or this can happen again.

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 16:07

Or people who understand that children and teenagers need protection and guidance.

DaughterofDawn · 21/10/2022 16:08

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 21/10/2022 15:59

No one is saying don't take responsibility.
I'm saying a mistake is more likely when you are you get and not some sort of moral failing.
Even if the brain were fully developed at two (and I know Discover thinks it is from previous posts. Less said about that the better) experience and age puts you in a much better decision to make the right choice.

I don’t think it is a moral failing. I don’t believe there is morality to consensual sex. It is natural. However I do believe that some decisions are worse than others. I simply believe that she is naive and inexperienced. That doesn’t have much to do with brain development so much as the lack of experience of idiot men to realize when it is time to walk away.

Discovereads · 21/10/2022 16:09

OP- try and purge the negative emotions of upset or horror or sadness. STIs are a fact of life and catching one doesn’t reflect badly on anyone at all. It is good that she felt she can’t tell you these things and I’m glad it was an easily cured one.

I wouldnt read her the riot act about condoms though. She already knows all about condoms and STIs.

User46374636373 · 21/10/2022 16:10

At least she has been tested, it's been recognised and will be treated and she was brave enough to tell you - she must be very comfortable with you!

Hopefully this is a lesson learnt and condoms will be insisted on next time. I know some men can be pigs with refusing to a west a condom though and young girls can be a but naive - I'm talking about myself here at the same age as your daughter!

I have thankfully not had an Sti but I have got tested a few times - mainly due to cheating ex and had some symptoms that needed checking that turned out to be hormonal and period related and not an Sti. Anyway my mum found out I had gone to the clinic for a test and totally shamed me, referring to us it as VD and the clap that I could have. She told the whole family. Shamed for me just doing the responsible thing and getting tested and I had the all clear anyway! I preach the importance of testing and of course using a condom to young people!! Nothing to be ashamed about!