To expect a non-shouting house?

[LorraineJelly]

DS is 3. Being assessed for ASD next week. He gets rages and does things like pull all the books off the shelves. It seems to be getting better though. Less frequent. He always apologises and i always get him to clears up things afterwards.

He always shares with his younger sister etc. He's affectionate. He hates raging. He gets so upset afterwards and just clings to me shaking.

Anyway, DH has started shouting at DS. When DS is having a meltdown, I try to calm it down but I do kind of accept things are gonna get messy and I know we will tidy it up again afterwards.

DH shouts at DS when he's in meltdown. DH slams doors. Shouts fucking hell, other swear words. He shouted this morning as DS "I don't like you young boy". He also grabbed him a couple of times. I stepped in this morning.

DH says I don't "do fucking anything". And says when a boy is pulling books off the shelves or pushing things over...it's totally reasonable to bloody shout at him.

Any views? I think parents should avoid shouting at kids this young if at all possible. I'm trying to teach DS not to shout and scream.

ASD has a major genetic component. See it time and time again.

Relationship wirh DP is super close pre children as woman is fulfilling much if the interpretation and social guidance needed for ASD male and an asd male with his needs met is a devoted . child comes along, ASD more pronounced in the next generation and life is not geered up so well to allow for masking. Mums reserve and energy worn to the bone and cant provide the support she probably didnt even notice she was giving., dad stops coping, resents mum and child because he's needs are no longer first being met and it all goes to pot.

If you don't recognise ASD from you chances are it's from your DP and your DS is not the only ASD meltdown you are dealing with.

@Icedlatteplease Yes - that feels exactly like what has happened. mil always says how similar DS is to DH when same age. DH hates that. But the tantrums, throwing stuff, anger - mil says it was like that for the first five years and then when DH became teen he just became quiet and fairly well behaved. Also - DH is dyslexic, but not given any more support at school. Dh now says things that I cannot understand. Like he doesn't seem to have a proper understanding of how things work. He definitely resents me. That's the right word. And I feel like i just give and give.

I have suggested about heriditary stuff before as had read that. But he shuts it down pretty quickly. He isn't anywhere near accepting DS is NT, so definitely not him. He just says I'm obsessed with the idea to make an excuse for shitty parenting.

This is a shit reason to stay married to a bully.

OP,

You sound so wonderful and your son is so very luckynto have you, but that is one out of control bully you have there.

You need ro start getting organised because that is not a man you could leave your children with.

I would not trust him for a minute.

You need to call Womens aid, your GP to log your concerns and to seek advice on separation.

He needs to move outvand you need to make it happen.

His priority is clearly himself.
Parenting alone will be easier.

He is absolutely abusing you all.

I'm so sorry.

Reach out for support from family and friends and get organised.

Things that made schools and masking more manageable historically, children sat in invidual desks and rows, focus on invididual achievement etc..... and yes actually also very limited physical punishment. It made really clear boundaries as to ok and not ok behaviour if you can't work it out yourself.

DH very capable at maths, computing, engineering or accountancy?

He managed and was perfectly normal, why should his child be any different. There's that theory of mind again

If he doesn't recognise it you aren't going to be able to make him. And really it doesn't change anything anyway. You still only have limited resources and you can't help someone who doesn't even know they need help. But you do need to know that it is really common, it's not just you

Sorry, posted by mistake - keyboard issues.

The storm before the calm is what you are facing. Put one foot in front of the other and you'll get through the storm.

Very thoughtful reply. I think this is exactly right.

The best thing you can do for your DS is leave or get DH to leave.

Honestly, my DS has come on in leaps and bounds without the presence of someone so lacking in understanding. I have so many examples. My DH just couldn't cope.

What is amazing is that his old school friends have remarked what a noticeable difference there has been - that's from kids! Plus my ex's parents have also noticed what a positive difference there has been and put it all down to me having the time and patience of giving him undivided attention.

I can't stress enough that if your DH doesn't change, then your DC behaviour is likely to get worse. DC can't help his behaviour, as much as it looks like being naughty, it really isn't just that. DH has to learn how to deal with it appropriately, like you do!

You, obviously, need to have a serious sit down and discuss this and hope he starts to change his mindset.