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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a non-shouting house?

109 replies

LorraineJelly · 21/10/2022 09:33

DS is 3. Being assessed for ASD next week. He gets rages and does things like pull all the books off the shelves. It seems to be getting better though. Less frequent. He always apologises and i always get him to clears up things afterwards.

He always shares with his younger sister etc. He's affectionate. He hates raging. He gets so upset afterwards and just clings to me shaking.

Anyway, DH has started shouting at DS. When DS is having a meltdown, I try to calm it down but I do kind of accept things are gonna get messy and I know we will tidy it up again afterwards.

DH shouts at DS when he's in meltdown. DH slams doors. Shouts fucking hell, other swear words. He shouted this morning as DS "I don't like you young boy". He also grabbed him a couple of times. I stepped in this morning.

DH says I don't "do fucking anything". And says when a boy is pulling books off the shelves or pushing things over...it's totally reasonable to bloody shout at him.

Any views? I think parents should avoid shouting at kids this young if at all possible. I'm trying to teach DS not to shout and scream.

OP posts:
Original poster
LorraineJelly · 21/10/2022 18:14

Yeah. I do sometimes think about narcissism as I can't seem to saying anything without him saying "how do you think that makes me feel". We spent more time talking about how he would deal with birth than about me!

But he's so quiet around other people and insecure too about stuff.

Anyway. God knows what I can do. But if I have to leave for DS then I will

OP posts:
LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 18:18

I can imagine that the chances of your DH having DC for long periods of time is slim to none.

jeaux90 · 21/10/2022 18:22

I'm still reeling from him not buying a bloody doll! What is he thinking? That because your DS has a penis he can't play with one?

ND kids are non conforming a lot of the time including stereotypes! JFC

misskatamari · 21/10/2022 18:28

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your dh sounds so emotionally immature and unable to deal with his feelings or accept any responsibility here. Honestly, as hard as it is, I couldn’t stand by and accept a grown adult consistently shouting like this, and losing control, at a small child. I would leave. If it was something he was willing to accept and work on, then fair enough. It’s shit when your kids are in this stage. And it’s easy to lose your cool etc, but any good parent reflects on that, has empathy for the child and works damn hard to do better. He isn’t doing that

MotherOfPuffling · 21/10/2022 18:29

A phrase that has helped me a lot (DD is 8 and now on the ASD pathway) is this one:
”Share your calm, not their chaos”. It reminds me that the meltdowns are as a result of her not being good at regulating her emotions yet, not her being ‘naughty’ etc. She hates the meltdowns, and the loss of control scares her. Sounds like your son is experiencing similar, and needs a calm parent to help him calm himself down, not someone shouting at him. Would some kind of family therapy be available to help?

Original poster
LorraineJelly · 21/10/2022 19:55

I'm so annoyed with him. I'm trying to get DS to bed and he's putting DD to bed. He then leaves to go swimming which he,can't miss apparently with DD still crying in her cot and DS refusing to go to bed. DS won't let me leave him and DD is,screaming her little lungs out. DH just,left because,he needs his daily swim.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 21/10/2022 20:23

He’s a selfish fucking arse! Tonight’s behaviour would be the final nail in the coffin for me. Selfish selfish man child!

Original poster
LorraineJelly · 21/10/2022 21:08

I just can't imagine walking out of the house while one ND kid is struggling to go to bed while a younger baby is screaming in their cot and feeling like "ah now for some me time"

I'm frigging done with him and all men.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/10/2022 01:57

We spent more time talking about how he would deal with birth than about me!

That is awful, and very clearly points at narcissism.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/10/2022 02:05

He sounds awful. He will cause your ds huge anxiety if he carries on.

Mumoblue · 22/10/2022 10:11

You keep saying what would happen if you weren’t there- girl, awful shit is happening NOW. While you ARE there. Get your kids away from this.

quirkychick · 22/10/2022 15:40

@LorraineJelly your most recent post puts this into a ltb perspective, rather than a parent who needs some strategies for an asd child. Whenever dp and I have struggled we have talked about it and shared ideas etc. This is not happening here.

@Phineyj great advice. It took me a while to learn the whole tone of voice issue. I used to be a teacher and you get used to using a stern voice to deal with behaviour - absolutely doesn't work with asd. In fact, lots of behavioural strategies that work for nt children do not work for nd.

Original poster
LorraineJelly · 23/10/2022 07:40

Tried to have a nice calm weekend but DS started insisting on spending his own peanut butter this morning and was making a mess. He was saying "peanut butter now now now" and I heard DH say "oh just shut up" but said with such venom.

It's meant to be my lie in morning but I don't want to leave them downstairs together

OP posts:
Original poster
LorraineJelly · 23/10/2022 07:49

For all the people on this website who say men like my H never go for custody....but the family courts are full of shitty men demanding more time with their kids for reasons other than the kids wellbeing

OP posts:
lannistunut · 23/10/2022 07:53

For the short term have you tried either a) telling your DH you want to address these issues or there will have to be separation or b) encouraging your DH to be out much more and you be out much more? Basically either bring it to a head or manage it?

Your DH is in the wrong, but passively waiting for something to change is pointless. Take a bit more control.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 23/10/2022 07:54

LorraineJelly · 23/10/2022 07:49

For all the people on this website who say men like my H never go for custody....but the family courts are full of shitty men demanding more time with their kids for reasons other than the kids wellbeing

Oh they do. My ex did. In my experience, they often change their mind quite quickly.

My advice would be to document everything. All of your husbands disgusting, bullying behaviour, his reactions/attitude to a small child’s additional needs and the behaviours that come with that.

And leave the bastard as soon and as safely as you can.

RudsyFarmer · 23/10/2022 08:01

Your husband needs education on how to handle a dysregulated child. It’s hard to cope when they trash the house but shouting and slamming doors make the situation worse not better. It’s a hard road unfortunately and he’s either going to have to walk it beside you or away from you.

Phineyj · 23/10/2022 08:35

Hi OP, there's a technique called NVR - non-violent resistance - that we found really useful parenting our similar sounding child. If you PM me I can tell you who we used (it was on Zoom) or you can Google for practitioners.

I am concerned about your DH's attitude. You can't make progress with that going on. My DH struggles (probably would have same diagnosis if assessed) but is never deliberately mean.

rosangelanne · 23/10/2022 08:43

He's not dealing with it well and has no understanding of your strategies. Would he read a book or do a positive parenting class or something?

Original poster
LorraineJelly · 23/10/2022 09:00

He will not read a book. Definitely not! I could try and get him to do a parenting class poss but would be a lot of hard work to persuade him

I'm taking DS to a specialist privately who is going to observe him play next week and his nursery has SEN coming into to observe him too.

I just wish DH wasn't involved. He will go along and talk over the experts or downplay DS behaviour. I find it harder to make progress with him but he's the dad isn't he so I've got to make it work somehow

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 23/10/2022 13:50

He won't read a box to help him understand and help your child.

If your son had diabetes would he refuse to learn about insulin and treatment for hypos?

Basically he is not willing to parent the child he has, rather than the one he thought he was going to have. The barbie story may seem.minor but its so telling about he views his son
He views his son as an extension of himself. He wouldn't want or do something and thus he cannot comprehend why someone else, his son, would want to.

That's a tricky position with any child. They are independent entities who are still learning about the world.

Original poster
LorraineJelly · 23/10/2022 13:58

@Dishwashersaurous DH went to do the food shopping and honestly - the 1.5 hours he was out the house - we had a great time me and the kids.

since he's been back - we have had two meltdowns. He just rolls his eyes at DS etc, when DS says sorry DH shouts "sorry for what??" . I pulled him up on it a little just now, "You've got to be kinder, a little gentler, when he's trying to get things right"

And he went mad. And shouted at me word for word "Just do one. This isn't about me, or DS, it's about you and your fucking moods. Honestly, just do one" and then he did that thing where you put your tongue in your bottom lip like kids used to. ha ha.

It feels like today might be the moment I've finally accepted we are done, and that anything is better than this.

I'm so scared of what will happen to us if I leave dh. But I can't let this continue. Even without DS - the thought of being getting older with DH makes me feel sick!

Thank you for all your support everyone.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 23/10/2022 16:30

I would keep this thread going (with due care re passwords etc on the device you use) and/or start a diary somewhere secure so you can remember specifics.

It seems to be extremely common for special needs in DC to split couples up (I'm on a Facebook group for parents of DC with a particular diagnosis - about 90% of them are single mums).

But there's no need for DH to behave like an arse!

lifeinmidthirties · 23/10/2022 16:35

Its the right decision op.
Scary, of course, but not as scary as what could be if you stay living like this.
Take your lovely dc away from that bully

northerncrumpet · 23/10/2022 16:51

OH @LorraineJelly your H is a disgusting bully, to you and to your DC. My XH was the same, and every thing that you are worried about and have questioned I have too...but after one particularly vile incident I asked him to leave...and me and DC are much, much happier. School and other mums have noticed that the DC are more relaxed - it's physically noticeable - and although getting divorced is no fun, it is 100% better than living like we were. XH used to argue with 3 year old DS like he was an adult, sarcasm and shouting and swearing until not surprisingly DS burst into tears...

You can do so much better on your own love, I promise. Get yourself out of there (or get him out of there, whichever is the better option).