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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP’s ex is too involved?

106 replies

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 20:48

I've been in a relationship with DP for about 6 months, he's recently asked me to move in with him.

He has 3 DC’s with the ex this post is about, 2 adults and a 15 yo. He also has full custody of a 4yo.

He doesn't need contact with his ex the 3 children are old enough to contact DP themselves, however his ex is still involved looking after 4yo and he's not even her children! I get it's nice for her to help him out but she does the school run and takes child on days out with her and her younger children etc.

Aibu in thinking ex is too involved? Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
OriginalUsername3 · 21/10/2022 04:25

I think you're too involved! 6 months and you're moving in? You shouldn't have even met the bloody kids yet imo

mycatisannoying · 21/10/2022 05:10

Have a heart! It would be devastating for the 4 year old if the mother figure in his/her life just walked out.
I've heard of this happening when relationships break down, and it must be damaging to the child.

I don't mean this to sound funny OP, but are you definitely cut out for this?

Ekátn · 21/10/2022 05:15

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

Of course it’s disruptive. It’s not only disruptive if a parent disappears from someone life. It doesn’t matter what her blood relationship is.

You have been with him 6 months. The fact that he thinks you should move in is ridiculous and disruptive to the child. Removing an adult the child has a relationship with to make you feel better is disruptive and cruel.

You shouldn’t be moving in at all at this point, regardless of the situation. Moving in and wanting the ex to disappear is just awful and shows you don’t really give a shot what’s best for the child.

If you are going to be involved with a man with children, you need to learn it’s not all about you.

Mlb123 · 21/10/2022 05:37

You say that it wouldn't disrupt the 4 year olds life because she isn't his mum, but she has been in the child's life for their entire life so of course it would. You come across as self centred and possessive. This young child has a relationship with their siblings mother and wanting to build up a case to support Changing this dynamic after 6 months of dating their dad is the real problem here. I hope this is a reverse or you are a troll because it's just fucking horrible if this attitude is for real. not exYou'reactly going to be a good mother figure yourself with such an ignorant attitude towards children's feelings. I feel sorry for the ex partner too because she's not being considered here either and it would appear that she loves this child. It's no wonder you are jealous of her because she must be an amazing woman and if anything she has more of a right to express concerns over the jealous new girlfriend!🙄

youtwoandme · 21/10/2022 06:00

Sounds like jealousy. Do yourself and the child a favour. Do not move in. If you don't like the family dynamics, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to try and change it!!! Move on.

SpringIntoChaos · 21/10/2022 07:13

Wow! You really know nothing about children and relationships do you OP?

You are the 'red flag' here. Grow up! 😧

Hankunamatata · 21/10/2022 07:19

Ypu need to walk away. You jealous of the ex already and it's ony been 6 months

GloriousGlory · 21/10/2022 07:22

Crikey this bloke likes a quick turnaround doesn't he!

You sound very jealous.

Ginger1982 · 21/10/2022 07:31

You're both showing very poor judgement by thinking it's ok to move in with his 4 year old after dating for 6 months.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/10/2022 07:35

You're not mature enough for this relationship.

The father/dp doesn't sound very mature or responsible either.

The poor child.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2022 07:46

Oh come on people, who seriously thinks a woman gets pregnant on a one night stand, continues with the pregnancy and simply hands her baby over to this man to raise and has no further involvement?

IamnotSethRogan · 21/10/2022 08:06

I don't think you're emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship that involves children. And you should not be moving in together.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/10/2022 08:09

@knittingaddict It is uncommon but not unheard of.
I know two fathers locally that raise their DC as a single parent.
Both mother's in these cases were addicts of some type drugs/alcohol.

elephantseal · 21/10/2022 10:21

How very unusual for a woman to have a baby after a one-night stand then to give the baby to the father to look after.

But all this is none of your business. He's parenting his Dc as he sees fit. You're just a new girlfriend. Stay out of it. You shouldn't even be meeting his Dc at this stage.

FridayNightWinner · 21/10/2022 10:34

butterfliedtwo · 20/10/2022 23:25

Exactly this.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more. OP you have to wise up a little bit if you're potentially going to be step parent.

AutumnScream · 21/10/2022 10:35

CliffordMystery · 20/10/2022 21:24

Do you REALLY want to get into a serious relationship with someone who has four children with different women and of such varying ages?

I certainly wouldn’t.

I can’t help wondering what’s so great about this bloke that all these women want to be involved with him.

But in answer to your question, yes, YABU. If the ex takes the little one out with his half-siblings then that’s a nice thing, surely.

If you can’t deal with this now then I serious would just find someone else - there’s plenty more fish in the sea without loads of someone else’s kids. It’s only been 6 months so you won’t have wasted too much time.

Thats a ridiculously harsh thing to say. He had three adult children with one woman who is still heavily involved with him over 18/20 years later. Thats not the sign of a bad man. He then had a one night stand that resulted in a child, a child whom he has taken full responsibility for and lives with full time. Again thats not screaming bad guy so not sure why some posters think it does.

boredOf · 21/10/2022 11:04

Run run run run and run.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 21/10/2022 11:07

ironingboredrefusal · 20/10/2022 21:13

He has kids with two different women. Why would you want to be involved with him? So he has kids with three different women? When will women get some sense?

I always think exactly this when I read these kinds of threads. How can anybody look at a bloke like this and think, ooh what a catch. Grim.

RedWingBoots · 21/10/2022 11:08

@AutumnScream the PP aren't being harsh if you read the OP post properly. The OP is too immature to realise that she is trying to destroy a child's well-being.

DenholmElliot1 · 21/10/2022 11:12

mynameisbrian · 20/10/2022 20:50

You have been with him 6mths and he has already introduced you to his DC and trying to get you to move in. Seems he has a habit of getting his ladies to parent his DC and now he is wanting you to do the same. I would be slowing things down as there is only
one person too involved quickly and that’s you

This.

And like a PP said - he'll be anxious to impregnate you as soon as possible to keep you at home doing the childcare.

MILLYmo0se · 21/10/2022 11:16

Do we know the 4 yr olds mother gave him up? social services could have been involved for all we know........ Or bio mum died.......or is in prision....... Or bio mum and dad co parented for a while and mum decided it best dad have custody. Lots of scenarios are possible albeit rare.
OP the child is growing up with the fact is bio mum isnt around, surely you understand that that alone has a huge lifelong emotional effect? Now you want the only mother figurehe has ever known to remove heself AND cut down the time he spends with his siblings?!
You are the one getting to involved in a happy and functioning family set-up

ineedakickupthe · 21/10/2022 11:44

She's been a part of the child's life up to now. Just because the child's dad has moved on doesn't mean she can't think of her and the child's relationship. Poor kid. If you two don't work out then kid will have someone else disappearing from their life and someone else appearing down the line. Nice for the child to have some relationships that stay the course. She sounds nice. If you are not concerned about her and your DP getting back together etc then it would be nice to be supportive.

TiddleyWink · 21/10/2022 12:01

You sound staggeringly insecure and jealous. You shouldn’t have even met his kids after six months, never mind feeling like you have ANY say in their family dynamics - what are the pair of you thinking?

The ex sounds like an actual grown up who is acting in the best interests of a child. Try modelling that behaviour and see where it gets you instead of acting like an insecure psycho. Who sees this situation and thinks anything other than ‘what a great woman doing that for the four year old and how great to see two adults effectively co parenting’?

You really, really need to grow up and work on your self esteem before you date anyone with children who will only end up as collateral damage to your insecurities.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/10/2022 12:27

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

Hold on.
So your new Casanova has 3 DC from 15 years old to adults with his ex ... AND a random 4 year old from an OW?

And his ex has womanfully stepped up to parenting the 4 year old, but you want to disrupt that? And you think that the ex is "too involved"?

Sure, move in with Casanova & start parenting any DC he has still living at home. along with any he impregnates you with.
Be on stand by for a few more babies from OW being introduced to the mix, as this chap sounds like a stud. I'm sure you'll be very happy being his new nanny.

joannapiano82 · 21/10/2022 13:24

It's nice that the ex involves the 4 year old in days out with the step siblings I don't think that's strange but alarm bells over him wanting you to move in so soon.