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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP’s ex is too involved?

106 replies

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 20:48

I've been in a relationship with DP for about 6 months, he's recently asked me to move in with him.

He has 3 DC’s with the ex this post is about, 2 adults and a 15 yo. He also has full custody of a 4yo.

He doesn't need contact with his ex the 3 children are old enough to contact DP themselves, however his ex is still involved looking after 4yo and he's not even her children! I get it's nice for her to help him out but she does the school run and takes child on days out with her and her younger children etc.

Aibu in thinking ex is too involved? Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
SkirridHill · 20/10/2022 22:55

Ugh. What a shit attitude OP. Those are his siblings. Why would you want to separate him from them?

billy1966 · 20/10/2022 23:07

mynameisbrian · 20/10/2022 20:50

You have been with him 6mths and he has already introduced you to his DC and trying to get you to move in. Seems he has a habit of getting his ladies to parent his DC and now he is wanting you to do the same. I would be slowing things down as there is only
one person too involved quickly and that’s you

This.

Men with young children who rush to move in with a woman, invariably don't believe they are the brightest button in the box and will be easy to use as a skivvy au apair.

Beware!

Travis1 · 20/10/2022 23:12

nope. You’re a walking red flag. Donthis
man and more importantly his 4yo a favour.
do not move him and finish the relationship.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/10/2022 23:19

You sound so immature. It's got nothing to do with you really and the fact that you are thinking about yourself more than what's best for a 4 year old speaks volumes.

butterfliedtwo · 20/10/2022 23:25

MacroTwigg · 20/10/2022 22:24

This is really disgusting actually. You should be ashamed. This woman is clearly the only mother figure this 4 year old child has and you're tantruming about it. She is their siblings mother and is acting in a responsible caring role!

Show quote history

Exactly this.

samqueens · 20/10/2022 23:57

ironingboredrefusal · 20/10/2022 21:13

He has kids with two different women. Why would you want to be involved with him? So he has kids with three different women? When will women get some sense?

The OP’s boyfriend has kids with two different women. I have kids with two different men. I presume you know everything about me from that one fact. Clearly I should be shunned for the rest of my life… What an absurd comment.

As far as the OP goes - here we have a man who, despite not being with his kids mothers, at least shoulders some responsibility for their well being. And who has enough going for him that his ex is still in active contact, co parents well with him and is smart and sensible enough to know that loving families can come in many forms. She keen to be supportive and inclusive towards his younger child (her children’s sibling) in family activities. That sounds like a great result for the four year old. I’m sure it is also helpful to him - being a single parent is tremendously difficult.

Unless there is a seriously huge back story here which you haven’t disclosed it sounds as though the only person in this set up who doesn’t have the children’s interests at heart is you.

It doesn’t sound as though you’re mature enough to be in this relationship. It is clearly going to make you unhappy. It will probably be detrimental to the 4yo to grow up in a house with an unrelated adult who feels her own needs should be paramount.

You should leave the relationship (without throwing any blame the child’s way - this is your issue, not your boyfriend’s, not his ex’s and certainly not the 4yo’s).

Then seriously consider not getting involved with a parent until you’re also ready to be one.

RFPO77 · 21/10/2022 00:00

I can see why you're feeling threatened but honestly after raising 3 children together it's probably second nature by now to just chip in with another, especially if she's had more children. They're obviously very child oriented people. Unless there's something more that you haven't written in your post you sound a bit jealous of her. It's not healthy, you should deal with it before becoming closer to this family.

Guavafish1 · 21/10/2022 00:02

Sounds like he wanted help from his ex…

Herejustforthisone · 21/10/2022 00:05

I think the OP is young, in her twenties, not yet a mother (I’m sure he’ll be looking to change that soon enough, so she’s really enmeshed and can all do all his parenting for him).

monsteramunch · 21/10/2022 00:33

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

It's nothing to do with his four year old having a different mum.

It's about him being a pretty shit dad if he's moving a girlfriend of six months into a home he shares a four year old child.

It's at best irresponsible as fuck.

Which would be a massive turn off to someone with healthy boundaries...

Soakitup37 · 21/10/2022 00:42

samqueens · 20/10/2022 23:57

The OP’s boyfriend has kids with two different women. I have kids with two different men. I presume you know everything about me from that one fact. Clearly I should be shunned for the rest of my life… What an absurd comment.

As far as the OP goes - here we have a man who, despite not being with his kids mothers, at least shoulders some responsibility for their well being. And who has enough going for him that his ex is still in active contact, co parents well with him and is smart and sensible enough to know that loving families can come in many forms. She keen to be supportive and inclusive towards his younger child (her children’s sibling) in family activities. That sounds like a great result for the four year old. I’m sure it is also helpful to him - being a single parent is tremendously difficult.

Unless there is a seriously huge back story here which you haven’t disclosed it sounds as though the only person in this set up who doesn’t have the children’s interests at heart is you.

It doesn’t sound as though you’re mature enough to be in this relationship. It is clearly going to make you unhappy. It will probably be detrimental to the 4yo to grow up in a house with an unrelated adult who feels her own needs should be paramount.

You should leave the relationship (without throwing any blame the child’s way - this is your issue, not your boyfriend’s, not his ex’s and certainly not the 4yo’s).

Then seriously consider not getting involved with a parent until you’re also ready to be one.

Show quote history

was going to write something akin to this.

such judgement in a few short words, alas the point of the thread op clearly isn’t aware of the complex dynamics of co-parenting. It doesn’t end when they hit a certain age or ability. The ex actually sounds adequately involved under the circumstances.

Autumnisclose · 21/10/2022 00:48

How many women would have a one night stand , get pregnant and then hand the baby over to what is basically a random man?

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2022 00:48

His ex sounds lovely. He sounds like a walking red flag. No responsible parent would ask their girlfriend or boyfriend to move in after 6 months. If he was a good dad, he wouldn’t have even introduced you to his DC yet.

I agree that he wants you to move in to do the childcare. His ex probably takes the 4 year old out because his father is useless and doesn’t parent.

I would be extremely wary.

Floomobal · 21/10/2022 00:50

mynameisbrian · 20/10/2022 20:50

You have been with him 6mths and he has already introduced you to his DC and trying to get you to move in. Seems he has a habit of getting his ladies to parent his DC and now he is wanting you to do the same. I would be slowing things down as there is only
one person too involved quickly and that’s you

Yep, this.

StClare101 · 21/10/2022 01:03

Why on earth are you moving in after 6 months? Ridiculous decision. Run.

MintJulia · 21/10/2022 01:23

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

OP, if the 4yo's mum isn't involved, then the ex is that child's mother figure. The ex sounds lovely, caring and responsible. You sound mind-bogglingly insensitive.

What should bother you is this man has four children by two different mothers and now wants you to move in after only six months. He quite clearly only cares about himself. He's showing no signs of considering the happiness of any of his family.

And do you want to be unpaid 24hr a day nanny to a four year old who you barely know? You'll be woman number three, having child number five before you know it. And then he'll move on to women numbers four, five and six. Wake up!!!

Mamai90 · 21/10/2022 01:29

Wow!

Stop thinking of yourself and think of this innocent child. You've only been on the scene a few months!

FistFullOfRegrets · 21/10/2022 01:41

Welcome to Mumsnet. What an unusual situation, a woman gets pregnant on a ONS & doesn't want the baby, but has it, simply to hand over to a man she's fucked once & doesn't know from Adam.

CalicoAnnie · 21/10/2022 02:17

What are you suggesting though? That he no longer has a relationship with this woman and her younger children and only sees the older kids who are related to him at his Dad’s house?

That would be beyond cruel. I can’t believe you think this would be ok.

Scottishskifun · 21/10/2022 02:26

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

Of course it would be disruptive to a 4 year old who clearly sees his ex as a mother figure and has a bond with.

You have been in a relationship for 6MONTHS!!!! Get a bloody grip and put the welfare of a 4 year old above your selfish dislike!

Vecna · 21/10/2022 02:43

So the poor 4-year-old should get a new mother figure every time this man moves on (and after only knowing the new mother figure for 6 months too!) Your DP's ex sounds lovely and obviously has the child's best interests at heart. Whose interests are you championing because it's not the poor 4-year-old's?

knittingaddict · 21/10/2022 02:48

I'm confused (may be the cold/covid I'm brewing).

This man had a one night stand with a woman and the mother abandoned the resulting child, this man looks after said child, but his ex, who isn't the child's biological mother, looks after this child too?

I think I need a timeline and if I need a timeline then it's too complicated to involve yourself in op.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2022 02:49

FistFullOfRegrets · 21/10/2022 01:41

Welcome to Mumsnet. What an unusual situation, a woman gets pregnant on a ONS & doesn't want the baby, but has it, simply to hand over to a man she's fucked once & doesn't know from Adam.

Exactly!

I think op fucked up the story good and proper. Better luck next time.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2022 02:53

qpmz · 20/10/2022 22:34

I also can't believe that the biological mother of the 4 yr old gave birth then handed the child to the father and has no involvement- so sad😞 (I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed)

Sad and also highly, highly unlikely.

susanlovestcook · 21/10/2022 02:53

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