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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP’s ex is too involved?

106 replies

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 20:48

I've been in a relationship with DP for about 6 months, he's recently asked me to move in with him.

He has 3 DC’s with the ex this post is about, 2 adults and a 15 yo. He also has full custody of a 4yo.

He doesn't need contact with his ex the 3 children are old enough to contact DP themselves, however his ex is still involved looking after 4yo and he's not even her children! I get it's nice for her to help him out but she does the school run and takes child on days out with her and her younger children etc.

Aibu in thinking ex is too involved? Would this bother anyone else?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 20/10/2022 21:22

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

Anything that changes his routine would be disrupting him.

The fact you don’t realise that means you should be nowhere near the child.

He’s clearly being brought up very closely with his brothers, by both his father and their mother. You should not be trying to interfere with that through petty jealousy.

lunar1 · 20/10/2022 21:24

It's been 6 months, maybe he's just not the one for you if you don't like his setup.

CliffordMystery · 20/10/2022 21:24

Do you REALLY want to get into a serious relationship with someone who has four children with different women and of such varying ages?

I certainly wouldn’t.

I can’t help wondering what’s so great about this bloke that all these women want to be involved with him.

But in answer to your question, yes, YABU. If the ex takes the little one out with his half-siblings then that’s a nice thing, surely.

If you can’t deal with this now then I serious would just find someone else - there’s plenty more fish in the sea without loads of someone else’s kids. It’s only been 6 months so you won’t have wasted too much time.

Riverlee · 20/10/2022 21:26

So the ex has helped out, with the half-sibling of her children. Sounds like they have a good arrangement.

I think it’s too soon for you to make major decesions in this relationship, and too soon to move in.

if you can’t handle the arrangement, then this relationship isn’t right for you.

tabulahrasa · 20/10/2022 21:34

“It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum,”

Makes no difference, she’s an adult involved in his life.

it’s bad enough that you’re considering moving in after such a short time, never mind thinking it’s ok to take away an adult that cares for him.

Snugglemonkey · 20/10/2022 21:36

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

Please walk away from this relationship. Your lack of empathy for this child suggests you are not best placed to have a major role in his life and even considering moving in when this is the situation is indicative of a total lack of awareness of, or perhaps care for this child's best interests.

She has been in his life since he was born! She has included him in things with his brothers, which is lovely and exactly the right thing for her to do. She is displaying far more concern for his welfare than you.

Herejustforthisone · 20/10/2022 21:38

Seems he has a habit of getting his ladies to parent his DC and now he is wanting you to do the same

I’ll say!

Do you have children @posor91378? Please tell me no.

How old are you? And how old is he?

StarDolphins · 20/10/2022 21:40

I know this wasn’t your question but why is he having you move in after just 6 months, that poor child! 4yesrs old with 2 mums, none of which are her real mum! She’ll be so confused!

gobbynorthernbird · 20/10/2022 21:50

The child shouldnt be going through mothers at the same rate this country is going through prime ministers.

Cw112 · 20/10/2022 21:56

It sounds like they've made a good job of coparenting while separated and are on good friendly terms. I'm not sure why you would want to disrupt that except to appease your own insecurities which is a you problem. I'd be trying to make effort to get to know her and get to be friendly with her as well because surely that benefits everyone involved especially the children as she's clearly a big part of their lives. If you're struggling with your own jealousy then you need to address that yourself and take responsibility for it.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 20/10/2022 22:01

I wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.
She is probably the closest thing to a mum he knows. Of course you'd be disrupting his life.
You're only in the relationship a wet day and you're already trying to sabotage the setup for the 4 y.o.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 20/10/2022 22:02

@gobbynorthernbird 😆

JulesCobb · 20/10/2022 22:05

6 months is WAY TOO SOON to be dictating that the child’s mother figure should not be involved and for moving in.

Quitelikeit · 20/10/2022 22:06

Maybe the ex is happy that you have come along and is secretly hoping you will take over her role

you should be looking at your partner here though as he is the one that has allowed this to happen

I would not like a situation like this as it just wouldn’t suit me

however I think it’s lovely that his ex has very kindly dedicated her time to this little girl. Her time and kindness towards the child are priceless and will go a long way into the child’s future

BananaCocktails · 20/10/2022 22:10

PicturesOfDogs · 20/10/2022 21:16

You’re not his mum either, so struggling to see what it’s gone to do with you?
you’re just a new gf, she’s obviously been in his life and is the closest thing to a mum he’s got.
imagine trying to take that away from a child because your jealous after 26 weeks

Show quote history

This x

lentilly · 20/10/2022 22:10

If you're unsure about it after 6 months don't move in

BananaCocktails · 20/10/2022 22:14

You sound nuts . Leave that child alone and stop poking your nose in what isn’t your business. The child is related to your boyfriends children -it’s good that the ex partner is helping out and being a mother figure as that child is related to her children and kind of makes her a step mum
u been with him a hot minute just stop
how can u even say she’s too involved

are u trying to take this boys mum away ( that’s how the child sees her )

MacroTwigg · 20/10/2022 22:23

No. You are too involved. How this man chooses to parent his children or his childcare arrangements is none of your business.

This relationship has red flag all over it though.

MacroTwigg · 20/10/2022 22:24

posor91378 · 20/10/2022 21:09

The 4yo’s mum isn't involved, they weren't in a relationship, it was a one night stand.

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

This is really disgusting actually. You should be ashamed. This woman is clearly the only mother figure this 4 year old child has and you're tantruming about it. She is their siblings mother and is acting in a responsible caring role!

scrivette · 20/10/2022 22:31

The ex sounds like a lovely person to be so involved with the 4 year old.

I suggest you get to know her a little better and build a relationship with her if you are serious about being involved/moving in with your DP.

qpmz · 20/10/2022 22:34

I also can't believe that the biological mother of the 4 yr old gave birth then handed the child to the father and has no involvement- so sad😞 (I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed)

Sunflower987 · 20/10/2022 22:39

No I don't think she's too involved, the kid comes first here.

I do think you would be better off not pursuing this relationship though, being with a man with kids doesn't sound like it's for you.

PinkButtercups · 20/10/2022 22:48

I think it's lovely. The fact she's taken him on as her own and he has a relationship with his other siblings.

You haven't stated how long they were together or when they broke up but I'd assume this woman is a big part in the childs life.

You've been with him 6 months and acting like this. Time for you to leave and maybe be with someone who doesn't have kids.

JessesMum777888 · 20/10/2022 22:50

You sound way to immature and insecure as well as having no understanding about what’s important to a 4 year old to be involved in this man’s family life. No offence.

PinkButtercups · 20/10/2022 22:51

It wouldn't be disrupting 4yo’s life as she isn't his mum, she's the mum of his half brothers who do see him regularly when they're over.

This stood out to me. Because to s 4 year old they aren't his half brothers. They're his brothers.
She might not be his biological mother but she probably is the closest thing he has to a mother and I take my hat off to her.

What a woman.