Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living with other families to reduce costs of living

130 replies

Ohnoohdear · 20/10/2022 18:53

Does anyone with kids here live with another family with kids (or more than one) like friends/family members? I’ve always liked the thought of doing this as I love a busy household and that way rent etc would be cheaper and also could help eachother with child care and be better off financially due to be able to work more.

I come from a large family and grew up with a lot of people. Big dinners, lots of activities and buzz, never really alone. I’ve lived with family members as an adult and it has worked well. I’m now living with my DP and toddler son and feel lonely. I miss being part of a bigger community.

AIBU to think that this may be the way forward as the economy is making it difficult for families to manage? At least temporarily when the kids are in school.

Does anyone have experience with this scenario?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohnoohdear · 20/10/2022 21:37

waddlemyway · 20/10/2022 20:26

I totally get where you are coming from @Ohnoohdear
my mum grew up like that, two large families in a 3-bed top floor tenement flat in Glasgow. She now spends most of her time alone and prefers it that way. I grew up an only child rattling around in an old Victorian 3-bed house and would love to have a noisy household with people coming and going. We kinda do… work keeps us a bit busy and out of the house for it to really materialise the way it does in my mind though.

Isn’t there a saying something along the lines of “It takes a village to raise a child”? - I do very much believe humans weren’t really designed to live all shut away from each other and to tuck their old people away in homes. Some countries, I think e.g. the Netherlands and Sweden, have projects where students get cheap rent to live in old folks accommodation and provide a few hours socialising and support a week. Apparently a roaring success. I have moved so far away from my parents I wonder how my kids will genuinely cope with old people in their future years as they have no exposure to old folks now as we don’t know any old people!! (DP’s parents have long since passed away). Plus wouldn’t my kids potentially keep my parents younger at heart for a bit longer if we spent more time together? Also, just the childcare issue thing… three families together…. There’s pretty much always someone around, surely? Plus we all saw how depression and anxiety skyrocketed when we were all locked in for what felt like forever. Some coped, many others didn’t. Many reasons as to why I truly think the human race is meant to live in more of a community and not behind closed doors. Or is it just evolution? I’d be happy with a compromise somewhere in the middle….

This is exactly where I’m getting at! The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” resonates with me. Surely it shouldn’t be done on your own. Lockdown was awful, I would have done anything to have lived with another person or family at that time. I ended up spending it with a 3 month old that didn’t sleep and feeling completely isolated (as I’m sure lots of us did!). I’m from Sweden so my family didn’t meet my son until he was 18 months old. Is there any possibility that your parents could move closer to you?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 20/10/2022 21:45

Wouldn’t be my thing (I wouldn’t have just one child DH is an only and struggles)
but economically makes sense if you could put up with another family.

MrsTumblebee · 20/10/2022 21:48

JaninaDuszejko · 20/10/2022 19:26

This is, of course, the point of multigenerational households, saves costs and divides the work. MIL is beginning to do this now she's widowed and lives alone, she either stays with us or SIL for long periods of time or she has visitors for long periods of time. She's in her 80s, and a lovely house guest so it works for us and she loves spending time with the DC. It very much depends on the personalities concerned of course. My mother would drive me mad!

We have a family arrangement like this as well and when I’m older I plan on doing the same thing. I’ll keep my home as my disabled son lives with me as do his team of carers but, I fully intend to have stays with each of my children who live 6 or 7 minutes away from me and who have all built homes that include space for both sets of parents. It’s how things are where I live.

GettingOrganisedNow · 20/10/2022 21:51

I've friends who did this for a couple of years. I can't remember the full story, but I think the house belonged to a friend who was going to work abroad for a few years or something, so they were able to rent it at a reasonable rate, but because it was so big it was going to be expensive to heat etc. They were friends with another family who were in a similar situation financially (trying to save to buy a house) so they all rented it together.

They all loved it, but they did set very strict boundaries, and I'm fairly sure it had 2 living rooms, which probably helped them give each other space.

I've always quite liked the idea, but DH would hate it (and would moan constantly), so it's not for us!

MrsTumblebee · 20/10/2022 21:52

Sorry, just to add that each of my children still have their bedroom at home and can come and stay anytime they like if the wanted to.

mondaytosunday · 20/10/2022 21:53

Yes I've heard of people doing this - I'm sure I've seen articles in the property section of the Times about this, particularly single parent families. I'm sure if you Google it you may find out more.
Not for me though.

FindingMeno · 20/10/2022 21:53

It would suit me very well.
I think intentional community is absolutely the way to live.

crazycatladyof6 · 20/10/2022 22:15

I totally understand where you are coming from. If there were 2 couples who each had 2 children then you could get a large 4 bedroom house and it would most certainly be cheaper than 2 separate households. And you're right about so many things, childcare costs, cooking etc. I can totally see why people do it although it's not for me

geraniumsandsunshine · 20/10/2022 22:15

I was going to write a thread about this and how surely, this is the way things are going with cost of living. That or the govt building loads and loads of single bedsits.

VestaTilley · 20/10/2022 22:16

No financial saving as you’d need a huge house to make it bearable.

Plus a bit of a safeguarding nightmare as every man and his dog comes through your house, bringing friends and wider family in to it who you may not know well.

geraniumsandsunshine · 20/10/2022 22:17

Or blocks with 7/8 bedrooms and and one kitchen and bathroom that 2 or three families share.

MrsTumblebee · 20/10/2022 22:19

@GettingOrganisedNow I’ve had two friends who did this as single parents but not with each other. One of them shared a home with her young son and 2 single friends and the other shared a home with her children and another mum with children. Each of them did it for about 4 years and it worked well.

Sindonym · 20/10/2022 22:22

A good friend lives in this sort of arrangement growing up. I loved going to stay with her - the house was big with five kids from two families (not related). I used to head there to stay for a night and my mum couldn’t get me back for a week.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/10/2022 22:27

How would that work for DP? Would he/she fancy a much bigger household and all that entails?

CookPassBabtridge · 21/10/2022 00:10

Fuck no, my idea of hell! And same for others I know.. people love their space and privacy.

BadLad · 21/10/2022 05:05

We lived with my wife's sister, her partner, their children and my wife's mother for a few years.

It was fine, but you need a big house for it to be manageable. All three branches had their own living room as well as bedroom, besides the main living room which became communal. If we hadn't had that, there's no way we could have survived.

Original poster
Ohnoohdear · 21/10/2022 05:55

Asdf12345 · 20/10/2022 19:29

Friends growing up had this arrangement, two families with three generations of each in a massive house, huge gardens, pool, a decent amount of land and outbuildings, and a few old servants flats they rented out etc

It all ended in tears when one set of family circumstances changed such that they couldn’t afford to stay, the other couldn’t afford to buy them out, finished with two
divorces and two sets of kids who struggle to understand why they can’t achieve the quality of life they had growing up.

The house in question was big enough to
provide enough space for it to work until one person couldn’t pay their part of the bills.

Maybe it would work better if someone was the home owner and the other family stayed with them? Less complicating!

OP posts:
BCBird · 21/10/2022 06:00

Absolutely not🙄I am from a large family but have lived alone for 22yrs. I've always loved it. The space the peace etc. It is onli since Covid that I have felt lonely- some of this due to restrictions and some self imposed. Thinkin of getting a dog.

Original poster
Ohnoohdear · 21/10/2022 06:47

Justmuddlingalong · 20/10/2022 22:27

How would that work for DP? Would he/she fancy a much bigger household and all that entails?

If it was a sibling like his brother or mine then he’d be up for it if it’d make financial sense. We love each other’s company and have kids similar age.

OP posts:
shivawn · 21/10/2022 07:00

frankly I'd rather not survive if that's what survival would need to look like in the future.

@OneDayAtATimePlease I think you said it best 😂

Sally2791 · 21/10/2022 07:02

Sounds fantastic! As long as everyone has clear expectations and there are some private areas. Need to have a plan for if/when someone moves on.

Velvian · 21/10/2022 07:05

I've thought about this a lot too, op. I have 3 DC, so I don't live in a quiet house.

I don't think I could do it with family, but have thought it could work with family friends. I decided that I would need separate kitchens and bathrooms and a private living room each.

Where we are, a massive house with grounds can be bought for much less than double the price of a 4 bed house. I think it is the idea of the grounds for the DC that appeal to me.

BooksAndChooks · 21/10/2022 07:06

We sort of already do this. Our house came with a small annex which my maiden aunt lives in.
She pay us a very small amount of rent , about half of what we could charge if we rented it formally, we will never put it up. We put that money towards our mortgage which makes it so much cheaper. Aunt enjoys dipping in and out of the buzz of family life, but has her own space too, which is vital for all of us. She is going in for an operation in a few months and we will help her get back on her feet afterwards.

We have older relatives who live around the corner who provide childcare after school when we are at work. Again they do charge us something, but it is very little compared to formal childcare. Relatives benefit from the extra money and enjoy seeing the kids, forming that relationship.

I expect that we will provide some form of care for them when they are older and need it, although I appreciate that in some instances a care home is more suitable. I would love for them to come and live with us at some point, I can see them worrying about the cost of living and they know it is an option open to them.

We do a big roast on sundays and have all sets of relatives round for a meal. We are close knit and all pull together but not in each other's pockets.
I appreciate that it works well because all involved are fairly laid back and respect each others boundaries and privacy.

I think the pooling of resources works, but I couldn't do it with another family with young children. I just think it would get too messy unless everyone's values around parenting were identical, which isn't true of any of my friends. It works well for us with our immediate family and then a few of the older generation and plenty of space.

BooksAndChooks · 21/10/2022 07:11

Just wanted to add that there are some parts of my family that I could never live that closely to. People who are domineering and overbearing, people who are passive-aggressive and constantly competing etc. So I do appreciate why some people couldn't imagine anything worse. The personalities in the mix and the space are key.

MyPetCrow · 21/10/2022 07:16

A couple of Mums from school who were really good friends rented together to help them both save for house deposits.
It lasted about 6 months before they had a huge falling out and it completely ruined their friendship.