How to raise girls with high self esteem

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Following from another thread where poor OPs teenage daughter has been taken in by a total loser/user

I ended up in situations like this myself when younger and still really struggle with knowing what good boundaries look like, standing up for myself, saying no and disagreeing with others

How do you prevent this passing on to your girls?

I don't know, but I'd love to know. It took me years to undo my own conditioning. I have DD9 and DSD8 and I worry about this.

I’d love to know this too. I had a horrible time as a teenager with a loser boyfriend and Id love to know how to protect my DD from this.
we talk quite a lot about feminism in a way that isn’t about her - e.g. her friend whose dad doesn’t see her/pay money for her upbringing, what happens to women in Saudi or afganistan, access to abortion in US etc.

She has a father who is very involved and demonstratively affectionate and treats me
with respect and kindness. But I was young and opinionated and had a “good” upbringing and still ended up in an abusive relationship.

I'd say the role of the father is important here. The example he sets of how he treats his wife, speaks of women, treats his children, how he works both in and out of the home.

I'm trying to stop DD from being quite so helpful - I don't want people to take advantage of her. Help anyone once, but make sure they help you too.

I praise her independence.

I think we teach them to trust their instincts. I also think we need to be clear what constitutes a good,healthy relationship, and how that might feel/ look like. We say to her, look around your family and our friends, who do you think is happy and has a good relationship - get her thinking what she would like in a boyfriend. I think we go into detail about what constitutes 'good' sex, ie her centering her feelings, her pleasure and her orgasm, rather than leaving 'good' sex to being her doing his bidding, as porn will teach her. We point out economic (non celeb) female role models who earn enough to pay mortgages and aren't reliant on men. We show her that there is nothing wrong in being on your own if you don't meet someone nice, even if that is forever. We point out that the damage of bad relationships can follow you through life, and that shaking off a loser can waste precious years.

Then we keep our fingers crossed.

Mamma to 3 daughters here. 15, 10 and 9. I myself had the most awful and abusive childhood.

These are the key messages I've given them and will continue to do so:

1. ADVOCATE for yourself, because if you don't, no one will. Eventually even I won't be here so learn how to respectfully but firmly state your needs.

My favourite quote for them is, 'be exactly who you want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'.

1. You never have to feel shame for anything.

If you know you are a good person and you are not going out of your way to harm another, don't feel she and don't allow anyone to shame you. We are an Indian family and my oldest daughter is openly gay, my middle daughter is open about her autism and my youngest daughter is her sisters' biggest advocate. My point is, some people will always try to manipulate you and tear you down, own who you are with dignity and fire, it keeps your power with you as opposed to handing it to another.

1. Always ask questions. If something doesn't feel good or right, it probably isn't. Question it.

1. Don't just give, remember a relationship regardless of context is a two way street, you need nurturing too.

1. Stand your ground, even with those in authority. Be respectful while doing so, but stand your ground.

1. Never start something but if someone brings it to you, always finish it.

1. Consent is a thing, for you and the other person. Keep that at the forefront at all times.

1. Remember, you matter just as much as the next person. You can and should have 2 default expectations in all your interactions - respect and kindness.

They are all pretty awesome young girls. Their self worth is not hinged on their appearance, I've kept them away from social media (youngest 2 are too young anyway but my eldest has no interest in any social media at all) and I've always, always had open dialogues with them. Our rule has been, don't Google anything. Come to me and ask and I will tell you the truth. My then 11 year olds first question after starting secondary school was 'what is porn and what are prostitutes?' I told her the truth but within that spoke about consent, drugs and do many other things.

Talk, talk, talk to them.

Have high self-esteem yourself. Easier said than done, possibly.

** Don't feel shame.

Mothers with high self esteem tend to produce daughters with high self esteem. Sometimes people mistake high self esteem for narcissism or big egos but that generally results in fragile personalities underneath the solid exterior.

Mothers who model healthy relationships with men and healthy body image is also a good foundation.

Tbh I've got self esteem in bucketloads as far as relationships are concerned. But my route isn't exactly advisable.

I had a mother who dated no less than 15 different crappy men during my childhood and teen years. It helped that she was transparent about her relationship break downs but sometimes I felt she over shared as maybe I became too guarded? She's (still) completely naïve concerning men and too quick to believe lies. I totally see through the lies all thanks to her. I'd never allow myself to be unhappy in any relationship. The first man I actually allowed myself to date is now my husband, and I do credit my mum for her transparency. My dad split from my mum when I was like 5, but he's an okay guy who popped into and out of my life (he was kinda MIA for a bit during my preteens).

I think personality/temperament of a child would be a major factor in their self esteem. Any other child who went through what I did might have turned out very different. So perhaps we can't always fully prepare our children, but we should have conversations with them.

The responsibility of this weighs so heavily on me. Great thread.

This is true but can also set the expectation that all men are “good men” if her own father or circle has been of a good standard.

Watching drama/soaps/reality on TV or plays and chatting about the motives, characters and environments I think can be enlightening without using close to home examples.

I would consider myself to have been brought up to have good self esteem. Thanks to my mother, and her wonderful wise women friends. As a small child I used to listen.....a lot. As I got older I always had the 'cabal of witches' to ask for advice.

My mother would never have described herself as a feminist, but she was hard left politically and I remember her involving herself in wages for housework and she was very anti porn industry. She was confident and outspoken and encouraged the same in me. I was told I was beautiful, but more than that told I was clever. She stood by me, not always 'standing up for me' she encouraged me to hold my own and to question things. She was also pragmatic and down to earth, she never behaved in any way afraid, and she engendered this in me.

I remember her saying 'you don't need make up, you are beautiful without it' and 'if someone doesn't like what they see they can go look somewhere else' At nearly 50 I don't just say this to myself, but I think it......

I like the saying 'she's not just reading a different chapter, she's not even reading the same book' because real confidence is the confidence to be unashamedly yourself.

Always make them feel beautiful, intelligent, strong and teach them to know their own mind. That their opinion counts, their thoughts matter, and their feelings are valid. Not to be 'nice' if it means ignoring their needs/intuition.

*And show them examples of strong women who have achieved great things in all different areas.

Show them in this way that they have more to offer than just their looks, without shaming them for being interested in their looks/makeup/teenage trends at the same time. Don't make them feel like they have to pick between being pretty/'teenage'/into trends and being taken seriously.

I think it’s really hard and maybe a lot to do with personality. My 11 year old doesn’t have low self-esteem but is shy/socially anxious which means she obsesses about fitting in and really struggles to advocate for herself. I guess we have achieved something in that she knows what a good friend is and when someone is treating her badly, even if she can’t then act on it.

I think high self esteem is generally more likely in kids who are allowed to be independent, to learn to do things (sport; art; feeding the dog; cooking the dinner) without fear of being criticised for mistakes. Small successes all the time.

I love this

Tell them that peoples actions count more than their words.
Trust your instincts. You're questioning things for a reason.
You only get one life. Share your time with those that are worthy of it.
Have your own status

Love this.

Difficult, I want my dd to have self-esteem but also to be able to adapt and do well as part of a group or team. Many young graduates who are coming into our organisation have 'self-esteem' but no grit nor ability to keep going when things are tough. I know that over praising is no good and letting your dd have her way or avoid uncomfortable things is no good either. There is a balance between being kind and doing the right thing by others and listening to your own needs and respecting your boundaries and limits. It's an ongoing process.

In my experience, however, being able to speak up and advocate for yourself at all times, politely but firmly is very important. As soon as you don't voice your concerns or just suck things up, your confidence goes out of the window.

Same. I actually think girls who are strong minded and have a lot going for them can be more at risk of an abusive relationship with a man who worries about losing her unless he controls her. Especially where she is kind and looks for the good in people. I was that girl and it terrifies me that my daughter could end up with a loser bf like my ex despite having a good loving family and childhood like I did. I think tbh I will just be honest and tell her about my experiences when she is old enough for it to be appropriate so she understands. I only saw positive relationships so didnt know the signs of abuse and was too trusting.

This is really tough. I am a strong feminist as are the other women in my family. My dh couldn't be more supportive. We tell her she is strong, clever, kind, beautiful, and can do anything she wants. Because of a few unkind comments at school coupled with early puberty she had a major crash in self esteem in primary school, which took the whole of senior school to unpick. I think be supportive, but don't assume girls with low self esteem has issues at home or are less than 100% supported, because outside factors also have a big part to play.

@BecauseICan22 talks a lot of sense.
I would add:

1. Sport. Get them into a team sport. Make their bodies about doing stuff rather than being looked at:. "Aren't you good at jumping/running/kicking a ball etc"
2. Talk about role models who are strong/funny/brave women.
3. Point out the bullshit in films/adverts/books
4. Let them know the world is full of misogyny but that it is still possible to do what they want.
5. Tell them about red flags with men and talk talk talk

I consider myself to have good self-worth so I just advise what I would do, i always tell her she’s a kind & lovely little girl & people should treat her well (& she should treat them well.

The only chance I get to (although she’s only 6 so it’s done appropriately) to go more into it is when she tells me things that have happened at School with her friends group & seemingly they boss her about & exclude her (again, she’s only 6 & this is her side of events) so I explain that they’re not being kind & they shouldn’t exclude her & there are lots of other lovely girls to play with so why don’t you play with them?

When she’s 12 onward I’ll ramp it up quite a bit too. It’s so important to advocate for yourself & know your worth. Without being arrogant.

I consider myself to be a nice mix of easy going but won’t put up with anyone treating me badly.Any sniff of it, they get booted out of my life!

I have felt self conscious and been frankly terrified of people all my life and it actually put me off having children because I wouldn’t wish being me on anyone.

something co-incidental happened a few years ago and I try and keep it in my mind when dealing with my teens. I went to pick my daughter up from a birthday party and after trying the doorbell a few times I knocked and the mum came to the door. I said (in an apologetic tone) that I didn’t think the doorbell was working and she muttered “Oh for God’s sake”. Now she was probably irritated that it was something else she had to deal with but I instantly felt guilty and embarrassed and weirdly responsible! The same week my doorbell ceased working and I had a visitor who had to knock and they irritatedly pointed out that the doorbell didn’t appear to be working and they had been kept waiting. I instantly was embarrassed, felt responsible, apologised etc.

The parallel struck me afterwards that both times I had ended up feeling bad and responsible when neither was my fault but I had instantly taken on other peoples feelings and felt bad about it and myself. I then thought about if my DH (more confident than me) had been in my position and he would have just said “The doorbell is broken” and it would have been neutral, no fault and he wouldn’t have thought of it again.

This is how I have raised my children hopefully. You don’t need to be aggressive or make people feel bad, neither are you responsible for their reactions or take any abuse. Just treat others as you would wish to be treated.

time will tell if we were successful. Sorry about the waffle but it was an important lesson to me.