How to raise girls with high self esteem

[ChangePlease]

Following from another thread where poor OPs teenage daughter has been taken in by a total loser/user

I ended up in situations like this myself when younger and still really struggle with knowing what good boundaries look like, standing up for myself, saying no and disagreeing with others

How do you prevent this passing on to your girls?

@saltinesandcoffeecups what point are you trying to make? The fact your mum divorced your shit dad has no bearing on my upbringing or experiences.

Teach them to stand up for themselves, to not ruminate over things that have gone wrong or personality differences with other people. Bounce back from set backs. Resilience is really important to establish early on so they can deal with any future set backs.

Great thread. At the moment I'm working really hard on not apologizing or justifying when my 3 year old makes statements that are honest but rude. She is 3, she doesn't understand social etiquette and has no ill intentions.

I just don’t know that the dad’s role is the most important thing in raising confident daughters. I think the mother’s example is far more important

I teach them to say what they want. How to say no.

Even basics … fancy a film Friday, you can say no I won’t mind. Very simple.

Ask them what they think of things in the world … how did that make you feel, what can you do now.

This ^

It’s all about the role models they have and the male one is extremely important. My dds have robust self esteem because their father has taken an active and affirming (non judgemental) role in every step of their development. They’re young adults now and it’s wonderful to see.

@saltinesandcoffeecups imo it's good to see a healthy relationship & a father figure that respects their partner & pulls his weight with housework/childcare etc. I think it's important, I never said it was the most important though did i?

“…a father that spends time with them doing stuff, hiking, cycling, games etc”

Only if his dds want to do that outdoorsy stuff. I think men who only spend time with their DC doing the hobbies that they enjoy are selfish wankers tbh.

Just commenting so I can come back to read the comments, would love to know. I feel like it’s the opposite of what I had. I was and am very much loved by my parents but due to their own insecurities they just never said it. I don’t think they’ve still ever said it. It sounds stupid when they have done so much for me but I feel like all it would have taken would have been for them to say they loved me and to say how proud they were of me when I did things. Instead I did really well at a lot of things (couldn’t have been better behaved, won awards at school, graduated uni twice etc) but either my dad would be busy that day so he didn’t come or would come but would always try to twist things into a joke or sarcasm so he didn’t have to ever go ‘wow, you did great there btw’. That would have meant so much.

@toulet I was probably answering more the bit you had highlighted from a previous poster. I’m really not out to disagree with you, just adding my opinion

To sum up my full position on this…(which may be different than others opinions, and that’s ok)

If a good healthy male role model is available then it is an important factor. If the is an unhealthy male role model then the mothers actions will be far more important. If both the mother and father are unhealthy role models, then hopefully the daughters are either predisposed to confidence and self worth or they can find those role models elsewhere.

it was the "eh" that annoyed me. Don't have a problem with disagreeing or different opinion, just faux confusion!

I only see it on MNs, why is it even a thing 😆

Not faux confusion.. just an ‘eh’. Faux confusion would be …

But wait, I just don’t understaaaaaaand? 🤣

Allow our daughters to say “no” to us and respect their wishes and boundaries without bulldozing them all the time.

I knew when growing up that I was free to say “no” and thankfully, didn’t get myself into any compromised sexual situations but where ‘independence’ is concerned it all went horribly wrong in early adulthood.

I often think what I would do as a parent to prevent this, and it would be:

1. Encourage building a skill at a young age.

Do your best to ensure that your daughter, as a teenager has a back up job she knows she can do regardless of academic attainment. Something she works towards in line with studying. Had I had that, I would have felt less anxious about the future and oddly, would have felt more able to focus upon studying rather than worrying about the alternatives of not achieving.

2. Role Models:

Talk about role models and chat about young women that your daughter likes and admires that she can talk freely with about how to progress with life and independence.

And also find or let her find some older women who have taken other routes, not necessarily married or with children but are leading enjoyable, healthy, self funded lives that want to talk

To me, the future felt like an unknown quantity not helped by the fact that I didn’t know women in their twenties who were willing to guide me about what they had done. Or I felt too shy to ask. Thankfully, there’s a lot more discussion today.

Stay away from those who don’t want to share their experience and simply want to gloat. They are often unhappy and relying on material possessions.

3. Have a response to the glib “I’ll marry a rich man” conversation.

Talk to your daughter about what these marriages are often like, contrary to film and tv sitcom scenarios, such as the Charlotte character from SATC.

These men are often older, and much uglier, invariably charming predators who promise a great life so they can have a pretty, intelligent woman on their arm that has been made to forgo her promising career to be at their beck and call. It’s often difficult to imagine any sexual attraction from the young woman’s perspective and it is screamingly obvious to others, whatever the property, or holidays are like.

Your daughter may say she will divorce well and become independently wealthy but it’s a long stretch. He will inevitably upgrade to a younger, more adoring and pliable wife.Despite the money from the divorce, if it’s not been squirrelled away, it is insulting, all the more so, looking back on life. And it isn’t kind for any children to realise that they’ve been conceived without sincerity. These men become bored quickly, are used to getting what they want and treating people cruelly and dismissively. Better than being poor and being treated this way, for sure but teach your daughter to see these men for what they are. It can be a lifestyle that is difficult to climb down from.

4. Talk to her about the future in terms of opportunity and measured excitement.

I was told too many accounts of the horrors of job loss and politics of the workplace. It made me take far fewer risks than I should have done.

5. Finances:

Be supportive and don’t shy away from discussing finances, how will she support herself, how will you help her achieve that, etc.

6. Be there, to listen and listen carefully as previous posters have said.

If your daughter doesn’t want to continue living at home with you after university, don’t wash your hands of her, or lose interest.

Many parents gleefully repaper their children’s rooms to mark an new era, this can feel rejecting if not explained well and sensitively.

Endorse her independence but do also do everything you can to show you support her, and be willing to step in and speak up if you can see the situation is not a happy nor independent one for your daughter.

I wish that my parents had intercepted and I had felt supported when they were well aware of what was going on.

When the power balance is in the favour of the male partner (physical power, property rights, salary) is when certain men can take advantage.

Taking advantage can mean threats of breaking up leaving a daughter feeling embarrassed and not wanting to be dumped and as though she has nowhere to go. It can mean him playing up, returning drunk and verbally abusive, sometimes the physical threat looming large because they know they can. Don’t let that be your daughter.

One day your daughter may call you saying how upset she is in her relationship.

Prepare her for avoiding getting so involved in this sort of relationship, however much desire there is.

When it happens, if it does happen, don’t ignore her. Don’t bat it away likes it’s nothing. Don’t get bored with her keep saying the same thing.

Take her out of the situation, do EVERYTHING you can to encourage her, take her on a holiday with you to develop some skills doing something light hearted, interacting with other people so she knows she can and will survive without a man who has made her think she is worthless.

Definitely don't focus on the 'you need to meet a man and get married' narrative for a start off.

Focus instead on 'you need to be financially secure'.

I'm trying to raise DD in the same way as DS. So, climb that ladder, wear the shorts, play with whatever you choose. Yes, she likes princesses but I'm not gonna go over the top with the tiaras and Prince Charming stories!

@WednesdayAlready

thats strange, I was just about to say a skill!

Reading through a lot of the posts, much of the advice seems about interactions with others but what about interaction with oneself?

Being ‘skilled’ ( basic cooking, making things, understanding how things work) is really valuable for giving young people a positive sense of self ability. If something doesn’t work out in one area, the person always has others areas to fall back on - not just in terms of a job but in terms of self sufficiency. It becomes much easier to see how the world works and just get on with the structures in place that enable you to avoid many difficulties.

I feel like we are being primed to deal with difficult situations but what about strategy to avoid these situations aswell. That has got lost somewhere.

So, for me self sufficiency through skills. I could wire a plug at 9, was connecting up amps and learning basic electronics just to make a home made kit. Other things could be making soap or make up. The crucial message is that there is a process, a way to do things and that engages children, I think. Makes it possible to achieve and the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment gives them self esteem - by and from themselves.

7. Due to my experiences, I would say take a fierce interest in your daughter having PROPERTY RIGHTS.

For me this is key to a young woman feeling independent. This is where the rot sets in.

8. If I could further offer advice to any mother, it would be to strongly encourage your daughter to share a rented property with friends whilst working or studying before sharing with a love interest/male partner. This will help her realise she can return to this or being on her own without a man having to be the centre of her world.

Choose those friends wisely.

Finally:

9. If your daughter begins sharing a property with a man who owns the property she lives in or then buys a property while your daughter doesn’t equally contribute or can’t do so, do ALL you can to change that power imbalance, speak up to her and to him if she won’t listen because the power imbalance can take hold, perhaps slowly but it often will begin, and young women often don’t want to admit defeat and return home when any abuse occurs.

10. If you have the ability to act as a guarantor on a property or to loan your daughter a deposit or just helping her plan how earn and educate herself to accumulate enough, to save for that or for a rental deposit, it will mean that your daughter will not feel she has to tow the line with any man.

She will be free to make her own decisions in a relationship. It will set the tone for her life.

As with so much in this world, independence is inextricably bound with having enough money to being able to get up and leave.

It’s also about not getting emotionally enmeshed and codependent.

Guiding our daughters to realise when it’s happening.

They may think they are choosing to isolate themselves when they are being conditioned to choose this as the less stressful path.

I know which thread you mean OP and it resonated with me because I got into a weird relationship with an older man in my late teens that had some similarities.

the thing is, I had and have always had very good self-esteem. It was instilled in me from a young age.

still had a crap, toxic relationship at that age, so maybe there’s no link. Teenage years are madness.

I have the most amazing father in the world who is honestly the absolute model of what a father should be. We have always been incredibly close and my parents' marriage is as perfect as any long-term marriage could be. Still hasn't stopped me from being attracted to absolute losers and marrying one. In actual fact, it made me more gullible because I expected all men to act like my lovely dad and didn't expect them to be arseholes.

Thanks for saying so @Nolongerteaching !

And also I think it’s guiding them to do what we do as adults in life so there is less fear of the unknown.

Let them call the plumber to come and fix the tap.

Let them call for a GP appointment with your guidance.

Or book the dogs into kennels.

They can watch and hear a parent doing it a hundred times but it isn’t until they’re doing it themselves that they really understand what it’s like. This is part of life.

It can be difficult to balance relinquishing some of that adult control with letting go and letting them learn.

But a parent can’t force these activities, or they will hate us! It’s better promoted as a way towards ‘resilience’ and ‘strength’!

@StressedToTheMaxxx it looks like judging whether the situation/person warrants that. My DDs are warm, friendly, thoughtful young women with exemplary manners. But I haven't taught them #bekind. I'm sick of women being told to be nice all the time.
It's very patronising. I trust my DDs' upbringing and natural good sense. They know when to be gentle and when to be tough.

It’s agency, isn’t it? I don’t think agency can be understood until it has been experienced. Once a child undertakes something for themselves such as making a call, fixing a bike, organising their shelves, the thought lives alongside everything abstract in their mind. It’s the act of doing that grounds them and then they have that sense of agency. All of a sudden the world opens up.