How to raise girls with high self esteem

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Following from another thread where poor OPs teenage daughter has been taken in by a total loser/user

I ended up in situations like this myself when younger and still really struggle with knowing what good boundaries look like, standing up for myself, saying no and disagreeing with others

How do you prevent this passing on to your girls?

I'd say it sets the bar that men are measured against. To be fair I'm speaking from my own perception of my father, and DD's of hers.

I struggled with very low self esteem and associated problems - depression, self harm, anorexia as a teenager and this reflects my experience. I had a wonderful childhood and great parents but early puberty and a few bad experiences at formative age (around 11-13) severely damaged my self esteem to the point it still affects me now in my 30s. I think too much narrative can be on impact of parents when at certain ages other influences can be very important.

That's not to say that there aren't actions parents can take to help just that it is helpful to be aware of all the factors so parents can help notice and 'correct' negative self-beliefs that may arise.

My dad. I've never struggled with low self esteem or low confidence. My dad taught me how to fix mostly everything, how manage money and be independent. Never to rely on a man basically. He always tells me I'm a queen and it makes me feel like the most important person in the world! I always thank him for it.

I suppose I can distill my advice to DDs over the years into two things.
Always, always listen to your instincts ffs. And stand up for yourself. (And I don't add "politely " or "respectfully " to that).

Raise them with brothers/massive amount of male cousins/women who don’t think like women

aye aye I’m going to be skated for that but it’s true. Women and especially teenage girls are the pits. There’s too much focus on looks and fashion and celebrities etc to have any self esteem unless you can emulate a Kardashian or the cast of love fucking island.

I would have gone round to the back door or just let myself in! I think that's confidence (might also be cultural; that sort of thing is completely acceptable in Aus or NZ but might not be in the UK...?)

Hoping to find out more on this.

I was from a very loving home, parents had great relationship, but I still had massive self confidence issues, hated my appearance, eating disorder, sexually assaulted by men on a frequent basis when I was a teen (getting drunk and people taking advance even when I was asleep at 'parties'), abusive relationship, ended up with addiction issues. It sounds worse when I write it all down!

I'm quite a well rounded person now, and I think my solid background was what saved me, which I'm so grateful for. But especially with social media I don't want my daughter to struggle the way I did.

How exactly do you mean? As in standing up for yourself in a non polite and respectful manner? What would that look like?

To me the main factors in raising confident girls are:
(1) a father that spends time with them doing stuff, hiking, cycling, games etc
(2) believe what men/boys DO not what they say (talk is cheap)
(3) you don't owe anyone anything! it's okay to say a firm no thank you and mean it.

Wth? Talk about generalisations. You’re either a bloke or one of those “I only have friends who are men” types🙄

Far from slating you, I completely agree with you. Men are so much simpler, especially in the teenage years!

I've also mentioned a few times that "I chose Daddy to be your father because he's Kind Energetic and Smart". It gives them a hint about what they should do too, without it being a lecture.

For my DD girls rugby made a huge difference, it changed for from a young preteen that was self conscious about her body, she has always towered above her peers and looked older than she is. Verbally she never wanted to 'take up space' trying to shrink and would never voice an opinion. Playing rugby has meant that she has embraced the strengths of her body and is regularly commended on her strength as the 'powerhouse of the scrum'. Shes used to shouting across a rugby pitch now and happily talks in public and during school presentations etc.

Shes only just developing romantic relationships but I hope her new confidence in herself, her body and her worth transfers over to this part of her life too.

From day one give them body autonomy so that when it comes to it there are no inhibitions to overcome to say 'I don't want that' so from brushing their hair for them, to putting on suncream I always say, I want to do that is that OK? Not ok... It doesn't happen. This means they expect their choices to be respected. If they meet someone who doesn't it makes it more likely it will strike an off note and they'll reject it.
They don't rule the house it is just their body their say.
I drip feed the concept all the time, 'don't want to finish your dinner, fine, have you done your best and you're just full, then listen to your body, if it wants to stop, stop.'
Trust your instincts and you say what happens to you. That's the consistent message.
I think it makes it less likely they will question themselves if they aren't comfortable.
Both my kids are expected to respect each others boundaries too. Zero tolerance for failing to listen. Being heard and having your say is their normal.

What??? The fact that you have the nerve to say 'it's true'...what you've said is beyond fucking stupid and is just internalised misogyny. You're lumping half of the world's population together and saying they're all obsessed with the Kardashians and Love Island. Have a word with yourself.

It helps massively if you have strong female role models.

I come from a line of strong women on my mother's side. They were poor but ambitious and driven and by God you wouldn't mess with any of them. So being a strong woman is how I was raised. The same goes for my female cousins. To the extent that where I grew up (my mother's family dates back in the area until the 17th century), it's commonly known that you don't mess with the FamilyName women. Looking back to previous generations, they were ahead of their time and I'm proud of what they achieved, very much in the face of adversity and massive sexism.

Of course the downside is that a strong woman often attracts either 1)men who want her to be their mother or 2)men who want to beat her down because they get off on the challenge. So it's so important to learn and maintain strong boundaries.

What fantastic advise , your girls are extremely lucky with you behind them.
I have a girl with 2 older brothers and a good dad , thankfully she has only seen respectful behavior from them and also has 2 good uncles in her life.
I am a feminist and have always told her she can be who /what she wants to be in life.
She does cringe a bit and tells me to shut up but i do talk about relationships and what aspects she should never tolerate, she is quite sensible and even though i have let these kinds of topics seep into conversations since she became more aware i am conscious not to brain wash her , she is her own person and hopefully will become a good judge of character ,she also knows kindness and good manners go along way.
Also she knows i will answer truthfully any questions she may ask me.
She knows i will not tolerate toxic people in my /our families lives and how doing that makes life easier in general.
I also make it known she has a voice and a right to speak out as long as she is polite - just because someone has more authority does not mean they are right my sons were taught the same thing too.

some of it may be modelling but I think the real learning curve is having your self esteem impacted, recognising it and saying no more. That makes you look inward rather than outward. It’s not something that you can do for your kids though - they have to find the right time and strength themselves but maybe telling them a story of when it happened to you to prepare them may be helpful.

I'd say the role of the father is important here.

I agree with this. I saw how my dad treated my mum so assumed it was normal so inadvertently have high standards. Also was encouraged by both parents to try everything & that nothing was out of reach.

my mum was also very independent

I have 2 adult DDs and they have not had any self esteem problems.
I have brought them up to be confident, independent individuals.
They take no shit but don't start any either.

6. Never start something but if someone brings it to you, always finish it.

Far more important to read the situation & act accordingly.

My childhood wasn't perfect though, far from it & I witnessed lots of things. However I think some adversity teaches resilience.

I was also taught treat others as you would like to be treated & look at both sides of the coin.

For the little ones;

-First things first… don’t indoctrinate them in selfless #bekind movement.

-It’s ok to not want share everything and all the time
-It’s ok to not like everyone
-it’s ok to disagree- you won’t always get your way and that’s ok too
-It’s ok to stand up for themselves- again you won’t always get your way and that’s ok too
-Don’t rush to solve problems…9/10 times kids will sort out their challenges if given the chance

For the middle kids
-Let them try things - One of the best things I saw on a news show about confidence in kids was a mother who would have her 7-9yo kid ask random people what time it was. She would clearly be watching, but she said she wanted her kids to have practice dealing with people they didn’t know. She would also send them to the counter to pay for things, and do other kinds of normal interactions all while she was around. This was after I grew up, but I realized that this was the kind of stuff my mum did with me.
-Praise them for standing up for themselves
-Advocate for themselves… again with people like teachers and scout leaders and other adults… I mean don’t abdicate responsibility for them but if they are having a low stakes problem let them try the first whack at solving it. Talk through what worked and didn’t work as they attempted to solve their problem.
-Increase the challenges push them to go outside of their comfort zone in tasks and learning
-Don’t rush to solve problems

Teens-
-Lot’s of talking… Even if you are just commenting on a news story out loud to yourself. They are listening
-Don’t rush to solve problems… by this point they should be able to sort all of the day to day stuff and begin to know how they want to approach the bigger stuff. Let them tell you what they are going to do and when they need your help. Again…use common sense here.

Did you pick up on the big theme. You can still be very close and active while giving your daughters room to grow and experience things. Hate to state the obvious, but confidence comes from experience and usually lessons learned from failure.

Eh my dad was shit to my mum but she divorced him. That was a big thing in the early 80’s. That was a very early lesson for me about self worth. She was also not shy about telling us girls as she was doing the bills and making life work to make sure we were never dependent on anyone.