Is it me, or is this exceptionally poor on the part of my XH?

[BarbaraVineFan]

I'm divorced, XH lives abroad (a long way away) and I have sole care of our DD, who turns 3 this weekend. XH is very generous sending money regularly for DD, no issues there. But this morning XH texted me to say 'Just checking, is DD 3 on Saturday? Because I have got her a present for a 3 year old but I'm.just wondering if I have messed up and she's actually 4.'

I mean.

HOW is this possible?!

I can't quite believe it to be honest.

I have to ask my daughter every year how old she is before her birthday

It would seem your DD is just an inconvenience that he has to pay his way through. I would be bloody furious but i would say nothing

In many cases you wouldn't have had a choice.

He probably told so many lies when he got together with his girlfriend that he's forgotten what the realities are!

My mother forgot my birthday once.
I'd answer him but have no compunction about keeping the incident in my back pocket FOREVER to be used any time he needed taking down a leg... I mean, most people's photos are stored in the cloud with timestamps now, it takes a special kind of space cadetery to not know whether your own daughter is 3 or 4!!

I'd rather he asked and checked. It shows he cares enough to make sure he's getting it right. Would you rather he guessed and got it wrong?
I still have to think when asked my own children's ages, DOB, school year etc.

boy is the standard low for fathers. The mother should have stuck it out in a foreign country with her husband living with his new girlfriend without any other support at all. Meanwhile it is ok for daddy to not remember whether his child was born 3 or 4 years ago. wild really.

I once had to introduce a guy at a meeting at work. I asked him what he wanted me to mention about him. He made a note about a few things including that he had 3 children. I was about to step up to introduce him when he came up to me and said "can I change 3 to 4 please"

I still have to think when asked my own children's ages, DOB, school year etc.

honestly, if you forget your children's ages, DOB or school year so that you have to ask your partner/ex , well honestly it is a bit of a problem and you might want to do something about it. Do you forget other important things? your own DOB? this might be something to worry about tbh.

If you have to think for a beat before replying (like everyone else in the world), then it is irrelevant to what happened with the OP.

Bloody hell. DH asked me this year if one of the kids was turning 25 or 26. That I get. We have five AC between us and three birthdays fall within a couple of weeks. Even I pause occasionally these days!
One 3 yr old? I would've thought he'd lost his marbles if he couldn't remember that.

Its shit but par for the course of a parent who chooses to live in a different country from their child.

People excusing this.... how low does the bar have to be?

Completely with you in your outrage @BarbaraVineFan. Even if there was no contact at all it should take about a second to be able to flip back through the brain to be sure of your own child's age, particularly when they are so little.

For everyone saying you moved away and made contact difficult like it's some kind of reasonable excuse, you clearly have no experience or comprehension of living abroad, away from family and support systems. It can be hell at the best of times never mind when your life comes crashing down around you like OP's will have done.

Yes that is exceptionally shit.

Don’t think ex has done anything wrong. He’s just having one of those moments when he self-doubts himself. He knows dc is three, but had one of those what if’ moments. At least he checked.

I reckon it's shit, but not exceptionally so.

I do think it's ridiculous that he can't remember how long ago he became a father. Shouldn't that stand out to him? Unless he's got a bunch of kids scattered around I guess.

That said, if it makes you feel better OP my dad always asked me how to spell my name. Always. It was 6 letters and not an unusual spelling. I think he was double-checking but it always made people give him the side-eye.

My DF took my sisters to hospital after they had been injured. When asked their ages said 7 and 8. They were 12 and 13.....

It's rubbish but it's also the sign of an uninvolved dad....

When my dd had a birthday coming up I went to the card shop and bought a card, banners and balloons for a 5 year old.

It's only when I got home that I remembered that she was actually going to be 6!

In my defence I was very tired

Yes it’s shit

It also shows how low the bar is for men and how much they expect women to do the mental load.

And I absolutely think you did the right thing by moving back to your home country to get support and that if he was in any way a decent dad then he should have moved too so that he could still be involved in her life

Irresponsible dickhead behaves like an irresponsible dickhead. Sounds right on brand!

At the very least, he should have kept it to himself and put a bit more thought into working it out instead of asking you. That just shows he continues to demand you manage his mental load for him!

I agree with you OP, it's utterly shit and not comparable at all to aunts, uncles, friends, grandparents etc who may have countless grandchildren, nieces etc, he is her father ffs. Completely different if she was 21

Plus, I can't remember my own age sometimes, but like you say, Big difference between 3 and 4. But as pp said, think the fact he lives in a different country to his young daughter tells you everything.

As others have said, the bar is set way too low for men, in a way it just isn’t for women. And it’s fucking tiresome.

OP you have every right to be annoyed, you might have to get used to the feeling though- he’s gonna do this again and again, in my experience. My ex can’t keep track of basic information about the children he helped bring into the world either.

Thanks everyone. Pleased to see I'm not the only one who thinks this is completely unacceptable and ridiculous