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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or is this exceptionally poor on the part of my XH?

123 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 19:35

I'm divorced, XH lives abroad (a long way away) and I have sole care of our DD, who turns 3 this weekend. XH is very generous sending money regularly for DD, no issues there. But this morning XH texted me to say 'Just checking, is DD 3 on Saturday? Because I have got her a present for a 3 year old but I'm.just wondering if I have messed up and she's actually 4.'

I mean.

HOW is this possible?!

I can't quite believe it to be honest.

OP posts:
Nizanb · 19/10/2022 21:11

Yeah, I don't really understand how you can't remember the birth dates of your own children. Surely you remember what year they were born? I'd be really upset with DDs dad if he couldn't remember how old she was or what her birth date was

ohdelay · 19/10/2022 21:11

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:08

Ha ha ha isn't it so funny when men forget how old their kids are, probably largely because they've never been the one to carry the mental load. Never been the one who needs to remember birthdays, buy presents, plan birthday parties. Ha ha.

Show quote history

What do you mean? That was hilarious, especially the one who didn't know what colour eyes his daughter had. "I have a brown eyed daughter" was my favourite excuse.

MrsWarboysHandGrenade · 19/10/2022 21:14

It’s awful, my father sent me a birthday card once with the wrong age on it (him and my mum separated when I was two and he didn’t see me again after that). I think I was 8 and he sent me one for a 7 year old…..I wasn’t sad then, my mum and I had a laugh about him ridiculous he was but it is a bit sad now when I think back

doingitalllagain · 19/10/2022 21:14

Pp is right though, it's totally related to the mental load, hence why it's almost always the dads that forget. In those skits like that clip they are being asked their kids favourite subjects in school, the name of their primary school, who their friends were. People find it hilarious that the dad is clueless. I bet the mum that carried the entire mental load throughout their youth finds it significantly less funny.

Moonshine5 · 19/10/2022 21:16

Some of the most loving fathers I know are terrible with dates. Same goes for husbands/ boyfriends don't actually need an anniversary to treat their partners.

KhaleesiDothraki · 19/10/2022 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Moonshine5 · 19/10/2022 21:20

Personally it wouldn't bother me as long as they parented their child well. Then again I'm more of a practical person. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer with this AIBU

rwalker · 19/10/2022 21:24

I don’t think he’s forgotten her age just when he’s organised the present he’s done it for the here and now mean.
he’s got it in his head she’s 3 which she is so got present for 3 then realised it’s for her 4th birthday obviously hadn’t forgotten that or he wouldn’t be getting a present
ive fine something similar when buying a card

AnuSTart · 19/10/2022 21:26

I birthed 5 children and I'm never quite sure of their ages or birthdays.
I'm a good mother as mothers go.
Let's just keep perspective here. Some people are dealing with real shitheads and losers. Pick your battles and stop sweating the small stuff. She's 3. it'll be much harder when she's 13 or 23. Keep perspective!!!

SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 21:28

Yabu and you are the one that moved his child away from him so pp can stop bashing him for not living near his child when the op is the one who moved away how did she think he would see his child?

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:30

SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 21:28

Yabu and you are the one that moved his child away from him so pp can stop bashing him for not living near his child when the op is the one who moved away how did she think he would see his child?

Would you not come home from abroad if the man you were living with, and had a new baby with cheated on you and shacked up with someone else? I think the majority of people would come home in that situation.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 21:31

@SpinningFloppa so you think I should have stayed in a country thousands of miles away from my elderly parents, with no family support, in a city that I had only negative associations with because of exH's behaviour, just so he could see the child that he abandoned? Right, ok.

OP posts:
NoMichaelNo · 19/10/2022 21:34

In my line of work parents get their kid’s dates of birth wrong all the time.

SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 21:35

BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 21:31

@SpinningFloppa so you think I should have stayed in a country thousands of miles away from my elderly parents, with no family support, in a city that I had only negative associations with because of exH's behaviour, just so he could see the child that he abandoned? Right, ok.

If you had posted asking if you are unreasonable to move countries with your child people would have told you you are, so you took the child away, not him moving away, so pp should bare that in mind when they bash him for not Living in the same
country when you made the choice to leave, you are lucky he didn’t stop you.

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:36

I missed that it was her husband too, not just a boyfriend. I'm so sorry.

OP, ignore that poster. He ruined his family when he cheated on you whilst you cared for your young baby, you moving home as a result is on him and not you. Don't absorb an inch of guilt for it. Some women on here love to tear women down and justify the shitty actions of equally shitty men.

Tiredmum100 · 19/10/2022 21:36

Can you imagine a mother not knowing if their child was going to be 3 or 4, why is it any different for a father.

SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 21:38

No one is criticising the op however she is the one that chose to move away so knew that would make contact extremely difficult (impossible)

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:43

And he is the one who chose to put his dick in someone that wasn't his wife knowing the pain it would cause and would have also known the risks that she would not stay living abroad with a small baby after he did this

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 21:44

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:43

And he is the one who chose to put his dick in someone that wasn't his wife knowing the pain it would cause and would have also known the risks that she would not stay living abroad with a small baby after he did this

I don't see how this is relevant to him forgetting his child's age

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:44

Sorry OP, I'm hijacking your thread. I just get so angry with how low the bar is for men. How much men can get away with and how it is somehow always made to be the woman's fault. On a majority woman's forum you'd expect to see different results and it winds me up!

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:45

Sandytooth it wasn't, it was in response to spinningfloppa.

Nizanb · 19/10/2022 21:46

What do you mean? That was hilarious, especially the one who didn't know what colour eyes his daughter had. "I have a brown eyed daughter" was my favourite excuse.

It's actually really pathetic and tragic that these men in the skit know nothing about people they supposedly love and care about. I'd be feeling really unimportant if I was one of their kids. Why is the bar so low for fathers?

LadyLothbrook · 19/10/2022 21:51

I sometimes forget my kids ages. Not their dobs though. I'm just shit with time. It gets away from me.

Pseudonymminymie · 19/10/2022 21:53

My DF gets my age wrong frequently! I am old now, but it happened when I was little too. He's a great Dad though. Don't worry about it and don't make your XH feel bad.

Snapplepie · 19/10/2022 21:54

My dad took me to open a bank account when I was a kid. The bank said something like "she'll need this account if she's under 10 or this one if she's over 10". My dad looked at me blankly and said "which one do you need?". No idea how old I was. I was 13!