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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or is this exceptionally poor on the part of my XH?

123 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 19:35

I'm divorced, XH lives abroad (a long way away) and I have sole care of our DD, who turns 3 this weekend. XH is very generous sending money regularly for DD, no issues there. But this morning XH texted me to say 'Just checking, is DD 3 on Saturday? Because I have got her a present for a 3 year old but I'm.just wondering if I have messed up and she's actually 4.'

I mean.

HOW is this possible?!

I can't quite believe it to be honest.

OP posts:
Sundance5 · 19/10/2022 20:40

The responses on this threat demonstrate how incredibly low the bar is for men.

idonotmind · 19/10/2022 20:41

It's terrible, really bad

WTAF is wrong with these people

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/10/2022 20:42

My Dad never remembered my bday once I turned 21. But up until then he had it down. He did once admit he couldn't remember mine and my sister's - we have adjacent months and adjacent days. He couldn't remember the right combination so would look at the plates on the wall.

Redrumridesagain · 19/10/2022 20:43

I am 31 and my daddy who loves me very much has no idea when my birthday is or how old I am.

doingitalllagain · 19/10/2022 20:44

Funny how men can get away with it and mums can't - you would not get comments excusing it as you have here if it was the reverse.

Fwiw, yes it's very poor! She is 3, not somewhere in her mid twenties where I would maybe be slightly more understanding.

Liz1tummypain · 19/10/2022 20:45

I know when they're young it seems really important but tbh, it's not really horrific. A close friend told me she'd got her daughter a birthday card and was convinced her daughter was about to be 28, when I said no, it would have to be 27 ( because of the age of my daughter), but she didn't believe it to begin with. It's not always easy to work out.

doingitalllagain · 19/10/2022 20:46

Sundance5 · 19/10/2022 20:40

The responses on this threat demonstrate how incredibly low the bar is for men.

Say it louder! 👏

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 20:46

People who are older and are saying that their parent doesn't remember their age, that is much more understandable surely? But my DD has been on this planet for THREE years. Adding an extra year would add an enormous proportion to her life! I just fail to see how it is possible to get it wrong

OP posts:
doingitalllagain · 19/10/2022 20:47

"*It's not always obvious"
*
Shes fucking three!

doingitalllagain · 19/10/2022 20:47

Bold fail.

Vapeyvapevape · 19/10/2022 20:50

It is a bit rubbish but I forgot how old I was once and had to subtract my year of birth from the present year to work it out!

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 19/10/2022 20:50

Cannot believe the posters on here comparing it to other relatives or the ages of adult children. This is the child's father and he's only had a very few years to keep track of. I agree about the bar being set so low. I think it's actually been dug into a little trench on this thread so it is actually completely level with the ground 🙄

FistFullOfRegrets · 19/10/2022 20:52

Do you video call much with him?

it's a bit rubbish, but why is he living so far away? If he's planning on staying there & you're planning on staying here, you've got much more to sort out than whether she's 3 or 4. Being a 'good Dad to her is going to be pretty bloody impossible 12,000 miles away.

Jedsnewstar · 19/10/2022 20:55

XH is very generous sending money regularly for DD, no issues there

Generous for paying for his child. The bar is set so low for dads!

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 20:56

We video call on Saturdays and Sundays. The time difference and having to get her to nursery make it impossible during the week.

I know about the other issues... Basically we were living abroad while we were married, then he left me and DD for another woman when DD was 18 months old. I came home to the UK because I had no reason to stay since we were no longer married, but he continues to live there with his new girlfriend and has no plans to return.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/10/2022 20:56

I'm amazed people think this is relatively normal. Shame on the fathers in your lives for not giving even half a shit to remember your or your children's birthdays.

(It's VERY different when we're talking about grandparents.)

vipersnest1 · 19/10/2022 20:57

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat, has got it - what a shitty thing to do.
The birth of your child is supposed to be a big occasion in your life, whether you're the mother or the father.
OP, he's an absolute dick. (And that may well be too complimentary.)

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 20:59

It is shit yes. There was that while blur of time during covid that screwed things up a bit though. But yes he should at least have the reminder on his phone set up to tell him.

Still at least he checked I guess.

ohdelay · 19/10/2022 21:01

There's a skit where a bunch of dads seem to know nothing about their kids standing right next to them.

TimesTableRockstar · 19/10/2022 21:03

I'd forgotten about getting my 9 year old an age 6 balloon last year 🤦🏻‍♀️ until I read this thread.

I don't know what I was thinking (I clearly wasn't!). Luckily you can turn a 6 upside down to make a 9 but it's not like I had another child who was turning 6 at the time.

Maybe he was just having a Halloween Confused moment like I clearly was.

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:05

Atleast he checked?
It's not always obvious?
She is three.
In three short years he has managed to father a child, cheat on their mum, shack up with someone else and forget how long the kid has even been alive. Of course he should remember the year she was born in. If he has a moment of forgetfulness he could check privately, did he not take a single photo? Post an announcement? Nothing that he could check without having to make a mother he has already abandoned feel sad that her daughter isn't important enough for him to remember when she was born? This is a three year old.
This man sounds like a dick for various reasons, but no I do not agree that you should be grateful that he bloody checked.

Thank god there are some posters on here pointing out how low the bar is for men, and so will it continue to be if we don't raise our bloody expectations beyond the bare minimum.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 19/10/2022 21:07

Thank you @caggie3 , your post made me feel as though you understand

OP posts:
caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:08

ohdelay · 19/10/2022 21:01

There's a skit where a bunch of dads seem to know nothing about their kids standing right next to them.

Ha ha ha isn't it so funny when men forget how old their kids are, probably largely because they've never been the one to carry the mental load. Never been the one who needs to remember birthdays, buy presents, plan birthday parties. Ha ha.

BeaLola · 19/10/2022 21:10

At our wedding many years ago I asked DH friend who I had never met before how old their daughter was (friend had come on own with small child as wife v pregnant and not wanting to travel ) - he said she's 3 next birthday - said child interrupted him and went "No - I'm 4 in November) Grin

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 21:11

caggie3 · 19/10/2022 21:05

Atleast he checked?
It's not always obvious?
She is three.
In three short years he has managed to father a child, cheat on their mum, shack up with someone else and forget how long the kid has even been alive. Of course he should remember the year she was born in. If he has a moment of forgetfulness he could check privately, did he not take a single photo? Post an announcement? Nothing that he could check without having to make a mother he has already abandoned feel sad that her daughter isn't important enough for him to remember when she was born? This is a three year old.
This man sounds like a dick for various reasons, but no I do not agree that you should be grateful that he bloody checked.

Thank god there are some posters on here pointing out how low the bar is for men, and so will it continue to be if we don't raise our bloody expectations beyond the bare minimum.

I'm not saying she should be grateful he checked. I'm saying at least he did as if he didn't and got it wrong that would have been even worse especially for the child. I agree it's really bad he forgot.