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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex needs to know about every date I go on..

96 replies

elbigbx · 19/10/2022 18:21

My ex partner (father of my 2 kids) just seems to make my life a misery.

for context he lives at home with his parents so never has our kids overnight. Only for a couple of hours for dinner 3 times a week. Therefore I go out and do anything that’s going to be later than 7 (say go out for dinner with a friend) he has to come into my house to put them to bed and then will go when I get home.

I have been asked on a date this weekend and mentioned to him I’m going for dinner so can he have the kids for a couple more hours till I get home. I don’t know if he’s got special powers or something but he KNOWS if it’s not with friends and will know it’s to go on a date. (My first date in over 5 years).

I can’t lie to his face without laughing so I will just have to be honest but it fucking frustrates the life out of me that he has to know ALL my business, but quite frankly I can’t do anything without his fucking permission. My parents can’t have my kids as they work night shifts so that’s out the window and no one else to have them.

If I go in this date, he will make my life a misery - won’t have the kids on purpose so I can’t go on potential second/third dates etc.. he’s just immature as hell, won’t communicate with me, will give messages to our 6 year old to tell me, the list could go on.

I can’t live my life like this. It feels like he’s my bloody father and I have to ask permission to do anything. When will this end :’( I’m not even upset just fucking angry that he has this control over me.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 18:22

Your own fault for telling him.

Xmassprout · 19/10/2022 18:23

I would pay a babysitter to have the children

Butterfly44 · 19/10/2022 18:24

Babysitter?

Soontobe60 · 19/10/2022 18:24

YABU in that you’re using him as a babysitter and no doubt messing with your children’s heads at the same time.
All he needed to know was that youre going out. That’s all.

cherrysthename · 19/10/2022 18:25

Not ideal for him to have to come into your house. This will have to change asap. He either moves out of his parents or his parents accommodate their grandkids since he lives with them.
I share kids with 2 men. I wouldn't coparent like this.
Your life has nothing to do with him.

roarfeckingroarr · 19/10/2022 18:25

Soontobe60 · 19/10/2022 18:24

YABU in that you’re using him as a babysitter and no doubt messing with your children’s heads at the same time.
All he needed to know was that youre going out. That’s all.

He's their parent and is spending time with his own children. Not babysitting.

Remainiac · 19/10/2022 18:26

He doesn’t need to know about every date you go on. He doesn’t need to know anything. Get a babysitter and don’t let him in your house.

Mischance · 19/10/2022 18:26

He may think he needs to know, but you do not have to oblige. Get a babysitter for evenings when you have a date.

Rtmhwales · 19/10/2022 18:26

Honestly I'd be petty and mention I'm using the extra money to pretty myself up for dates from the extra child maintenance you (hopefully) get because he's too ridiculous to sort out having his kids overnight. Why can't he have them overnight at his parents? Why doesn't he have his own place?

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2022 18:26

Does he have any prospect of getting his own accommodation?

otherwise I’d hire a babysitter or not go out at all if I thought he’d interrogate the children

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 19/10/2022 18:29

I'd pay a babysitter. I also wouldn't let him in my house without me being there (and making sure he left straight away).

JulesCobb · 19/10/2022 18:29

He doesnt have to anything. These are things he wants and you are allowing.

he can sleep on the sofa at his parents and have the children overnight. That is not your problem.

he does not have them in your house. He provides somewhere to have them. Where is not your responsibility.

he does not get to dictate what you do in your time.

email him to arrange a more formal contact agreement. From x day to y day for x amount if hours. He will collect at x time and drop off at x time. All arrangements are to be made via this email address moving forward so there is no confusion.

and see a solicitor.

oviraptor21 · 19/10/2022 18:29

Get the child arrangements formalised and never at your place. EOW and one night in the week seems reasonable given that your ex will be relying on his parents to put them up. Unless he gets off his arse and sorts out his own place.

JulesCobb · 19/10/2022 18:30

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 19/10/2022 18:29

I'd pay a babysitter. I also wouldn't let him in my house without me being there (and making sure he left straight away).

Tbh if he is this controlling he wouldn't be coming in anyway.

poetryandwine · 19/10/2022 18:30

Is he paying maintenance? He should be, and if he kicks up about that you should be having it deducted from his pay at source, which costs him more. Then you should be using some of it for a babysitter.

kabfx · 19/10/2022 18:31

He’s been saying he’ll get his own places for months, he’s on a really good salary so could absolutely afford too.. just chooses not to. Because his parents give him the easy life with having no ‘bills’ to pay. He can’t have them overnight there as he sleeps on the sofa in the lounge so absolutely no way I’d let my kids sleep there in those conditions.

I don’t tell him, I tell him I’m going out with my friends but every single time I go out he questions who with and will just be able to tell that I’m going on a date. (nicer outfit, friends normally pick me up outside the house etc).

in terms of paying for a babysitter, I really really do not feel comfortable doing that. I couldn’t allow a stranger in my home, Nevermind to look after my children.

I honestly can’t live like this. I feel like I’m just a shadow in my own life

JulesCobb · 19/10/2022 18:31

This reply has been deleted

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bigblueyonder · 19/10/2022 18:31

Get a babysitter, he does not need to know anything about your business. I

mentioned to him I’m going for dinner so can he have the kids for a couple more hours till I get home.* *

TMI...don't mention dinner, big giveaway. You are out, that is all he needs to know. Can he look after his children or not? Any additional questions from him, take that as a no and get a babysitter.

SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 18:32

kabfx · 19/10/2022 18:31

He’s been saying he’ll get his own places for months, he’s on a really good salary so could absolutely afford too.. just chooses not to. Because his parents give him the easy life with having no ‘bills’ to pay. He can’t have them overnight there as he sleeps on the sofa in the lounge so absolutely no way I’d let my kids sleep there in those conditions.

I don’t tell him, I tell him I’m going out with my friends but every single time I go out he questions who with and will just be able to tell that I’m going on a date. (nicer outfit, friends normally pick me up outside the house etc).

in terms of paying for a babysitter, I really really do not feel comfortable doing that. I couldn’t allow a stranger in my home, Nevermind to look after my children.

I honestly can’t live like this. I feel like I’m just a shadow in my own life

Name change?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2022 18:32

Why would you tell him the truth? It's none of his business. You don't need his permission, you don't need to be honest with him, so stop over sharing.

JulesCobb · 19/10/2022 18:32

kabfx · 19/10/2022 18:31

He’s been saying he’ll get his own places for months, he’s on a really good salary so could absolutely afford too.. just chooses not to. Because his parents give him the easy life with having no ‘bills’ to pay. He can’t have them overnight there as he sleeps on the sofa in the lounge so absolutely no way I’d let my kids sleep there in those conditions.

I don’t tell him, I tell him I’m going out with my friends but every single time I go out he questions who with and will just be able to tell that I’m going on a date. (nicer outfit, friends normally pick me up outside the house etc).

in terms of paying for a babysitter, I really really do not feel comfortable doing that. I couldn’t allow a stranger in my home, Nevermind to look after my children.

I honestly can’t live like this. I feel like I’m just a shadow in my own life

You do not need to have a conversation with him. At all.

summergone · 19/10/2022 18:33

It will take you longer to move on if he keeps coming round . Honestly there are lots of reliable teenagers out there that do babysitting I would start asking about . You will feel so much more relaxed and in control .

SunshineLoving · 19/10/2022 18:33

I wouldn't have him in my house. When he has the children, he can sleep on the sofa in his parents house so the children can sleep in the bedroom.

He doesn't need to know anything about who you see. I would stick to the same hours each week. He has the children for the same hours each week and I would never ask him to do more or less. Find a babysitter for when you want to go out in the evening. Tell the children you are meeting a friend. If he interrogates them, he won't know if it was a friend or a date. Stop giving him more control than he needs.

MrMrsJones · 19/10/2022 18:33

Get proper court accreditation tomes form home, over nights and some weekends

Then get a babysitter so you can go out

Lachimolala · 19/10/2022 18:33

My eldest sons father used to be a lot like this, I found a babysitter on one of the Facebook community groups for my area. I hired her for every date/night out even for my driving lessons at the time and uni socials. You need to do this and take the power back from him.

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