Ex needs to know about every date I go on..

[elbigbx]

My ex partner (father of my 2 kids) just seems to make my life a misery.

for context he lives at home with his parents so never has our kids overnight. Only for a couple of hours for dinner 3 times a week. Therefore I go out and do anything that’s going to be later than 7 (say go out for dinner with a friend) he has to come into my house to put them to bed and then will go when I get home.

I have been asked on a date this weekend and mentioned to him I’m going for dinner so can he have the kids for a couple more hours till I get home. I don’t know if he’s got special powers or something but he KNOWS if it’s not with friends and will know it’s to go on a date. (My first date in over 5 years).

I can’t lie to his face without laughing so I will just have to be honest but it fucking frustrates the life out of me that he has to know ALL my business, but quite frankly I can’t do anything without his fucking permission. My parents can’t have my kids as they work night shifts so that’s out the window and no one else to have them.

If I go in this date, he will make my life a misery - won’t have the kids on purpose so I can’t go on potential second/third dates etc.. he’s just immature as hell, won’t communicate with me, will give messages to our 6 year old to tell me, the list could go on.

I can’t live my life like this. It feels like he’s my bloody father and I have to ask permission to do anything. When will this end :’( I’m not even upset just fucking angry that he has this control over me.

Someone has got themselves caught up in a bit of a web of fibs!

@Endlesslysurprised84 he NEVER has overnights, he sleeps on his parents sofa so ‘can’t’ and I have 2 accounts so I have 2 usernames.. you definitely have too much time on ur hands.

So does he have 50/50 or… not?

if so, why not go out on the nights he has them

no overnights and you are saying he does indeed have them 50/50

most odd

So why say he has them 50/50!!

I feel you OP. I've had the ex refuse to have the children just to prevent me from doing anything I want to do that I can't involve the children with. I don't even have to tell him, if he thinks that I'm going out with my mates or going on a date, he will just purposefully make it difficult. I even get a load of abuse if say my own parents look after my child instead of me relying on him. I don't tell him DD is with my parents either, she will tell him I went out and grandma put me to bed, and then I'm the worst mother ever

And when you and he were happy for you to work abroad for 3.5 months and he have the children, where was he planning to house them if he now can’t have them overnight?

You need a good memory to be a Billy Bullshitter.

Messing with her children's heads? How?!?Using him as a babysitter? He's their father! It's not babysitting if they're his kids! My god the hatred towards single parents on here is vile

Well when he starts quizzing you about where you're going just say 'out'. He needs to know no more than that. If he repeatedly asks just keep repeating 'out'. Or you could turn the tables on him and when he starts quizzing you, you could say ' so when are you moving out of your parents? Why haven't you got your own place yet? Maybe we should have a chat about maintenance ' anything that'll make him perhaps shut up quick!

Even using a babysitter would be hell for me - my kid would tell him about it and then I'd get a load of abuse about being a shit mum

What happened to your “great co parenting relationship” ? Now he makes your life a misery? 4 months ago was a very different story.

OP's house?

Hi,OP

It sounds like your ex is trying to play mind games. Don’t let him! Yes, you can get references, etc. A great babysitter is an incredible thing. Or, as a PP suggested, you might want to investigate babysitting circles. But that might be trickier for a single parent, or you might have to do your share during times your own DC are otherwise occupied.

I am also puzzled as to whether you and your ex are doing 50-50. It sounds like he has them for three evenings until 7pm and one weekend day. But they always sleep at your house? If that is correct, it is nothing like 50-50 and he definitely owes maintenance.

@Nizanb yep I’m exactly the same. In every situation you mentioned. It’s shit isn’t it

@poetryandwine thank you. Yes second paragraph is correct in terms of how often he has them. I work Monday - Friday so I always said we had 50/50 and never thought otherwise. As technically they’re in childcare all week

Very odd to describe a parent as having 50/50 and yet they never stay overnight

I don’t get this sentence.

“Therefore I go out and do anything that’s going to be later than 7 (say go out for dinner with a friend) he has to come into my house to put them to bed and then will go when I get home.”

why does he come round if you go out? Just don’t tell him. Get a babysitter or arrange to do swaps with a friend.

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 12:05
@Hoppinggreen We have 50/50 custody so they spend their time with us equally. They are complete daddy's girls and dote on him, as he does them. I think if I told them they were spending 3 months at dads they would jump for joy lol

so he does have a place “at dad’s” or he doesn’t??

It’s really odd isn’t it

in the space of 3 months “a very good co parenting relationship”. 50/50 custody. The girls love being “at their dad’s” and the op thinking of leaving them with him (oh and he’s very supportive!) for 3.5 months to work abroad

“every date I go on”

”first date in 5 years”

…

Well if you're not prepared to make any changes, then WILL have to carry on as you are.

🤣

In the nicest possible way....you are handing yourself to him on a plate.

Ok, that wasn't nice. But your ex isn't going to have a personality transplant, so you have choices to make.

You need to get over your reluctance to hire a babysitter. Advertise in a local college or find one on sitter city, etc.

The babysitter will be a stranger for the first time but if you ask them more frequently they will no longer be a stranger. Problem solved.

Lie to your ex about where you're going. Art class? Morris dancing? Out with X or Y girlfriend to a trivia night? Get a hold of yourself and stop giggling when you lie.

I would go with 1.
It's good for your children to get used to a sitter. They might even start looking forward to your nights out.

If this man is the jealous, controlling, boundary-free, entitled twat you describe, then you need to restrict his contact with the children as much as possible.

A jealous, controlling man who abuses his former wife/partner and whose parents facilitate a life of avoiding adulthood is never good parent material.

If he wants a formalised contact arrangement, then make him find a place to live and go to court for it. You need to edge him right out of your life for your sake and for the children's.

I would take all the laptops, PC, etc that you have in your house and check for keyloggers. Look for devices (spycam, audio) in your home too.

@SheWoreYellow if I’m later than 7 he comes in and puts the kids to bed.. cause they go to bed at 7. So can’t just wait for me to get home if I’m out later

@mathanxiety thank you. I think I needed to hear that to be honest. I’m honestly thinking of restricting his time with them until he gets his own place.. but is that out of order? I really don’t know