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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend has annoyed me a bit - aibu?

85 replies

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:28

I have a small group of friends who live a train journey away from where I do.

I've known them for many years but we've ended up living in different places.

Because they all live near each other, I usually travel to them, but it isn't exactly convenient to do so. I do it because I want to see them and they suggest a catch up.

Anyway, the last couple of times we've been trying to fix a date for a meet up, I've had to put my foot down a bit with one of them.
Last time the rest of us had agreed to meet somewhere which was a journey across their city for them, but still within it. It was still an hour on the train for me, but not too bad. One friend said it was too far and she couldn't leave her dh with the kids too long (we have the same number of kids) so could we meet at a public park across the road from hers? We weren't invited to her house because her kids would be there and she wanted to have fun away from them. This doubled my journey time from one hour to two hours, so I said no, I'm not travelling that far to sit on a park bench!

This time, friends wanted to meet up for a night out in their city and I said I genuinely cannot afford a night out just now. I've reduced my hours at work to retrain so I am on a tight budget. I said I'd be happy to host them at mine though, which would work out way cheaper if they brought a bottle or something..

Everyone else said they'd come here for a change to help me out. Then the other friend chips in days later (she always waits till it's arranged, then says no after a couple of days) and says that's impossible till next year but if I'd come to her then she could do a Friday evening. I work Fridays and then collect kids from school and sort out their dinner before dh finishes work. Journey to her is two hours each way so I'd have to arrive at hers, stay about an hour and turn round and come back again on the last train home (which is vile on a Friday night).

I don't normally suggest the meet ups btw. It's usually someone else, but I'm happy to go along.

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange.

OP posts:
Era · 19/10/2022 12:30

“Oh such a shame you can’t join us Julie, see you next time xxx”

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 12:30

She's a right pain! Why can't she leave her DH looking after his own children? Confused

FetchezLaVache · 19/10/2022 12:30

Why on earth didn't you just say sorry it doesn't work for you, friend, see you next time?

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 19/10/2022 12:32

I would just say "sorry Lisa, that's such a Shame you can't make it to mine with the others. We will see you next time." And then continue with your plans.

Just because one person can't make it is being an awkward bitch doesn't mean you need to change your plans.

PinkSyCo · 19/10/2022 12:35

Maybe this particular friend has a controlling husband? It doesn’t stop you continuing with your plans with the rest of your friends though does it?

LookItsMeAgain · 19/10/2022 12:35

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 19/10/2022 12:32

I would just say "sorry Lisa, that's such a Shame you can't make it to mine with the others. We will see you next time." And then continue with your plans.

Just because one person can't make it is being an awkward bitch doesn't mean you need to change your plans.

A million percent THIS!

Keep going with your plans and when Flakey Friend (to be known as FF going forwards) sticks her oar in too many times to rejig the arrangements and people push back, she will stop sticking her oar in and start going along with the plans.

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:36

We usually only meet up as a group, but I'm tempted not to participate in these anymore as I've had so many meet ups where I've had to make unpleasant journeys to make it easier for everyone else.

I used to be extremely doormat-like with friends tbh. I'm only just creating boundaries like this because I've had enough and I'm busy too with kids, work and studying

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2022 12:38

Yes, why can't you all meet without her then since it was all arranged? Why don't you say you're still happy to host if the others are able to make it?

LookItsMeAgain · 19/10/2022 12:39

You would still be meeting up as a group - albeit with one fewer members of the group on this occasion. Go ahead with your session at yours and if the others in the group enjoy it, you could make it a monthly thing or maybe every 2 months or so.
For example, if you travel to them in January, they should travel to you in Feb and you to them in March and they to you in April and so on. It's only fair.

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:39

PinkSyCo · 19/10/2022 12:35

Maybe this particular friend has a controlling husband? It doesn’t stop you continuing with your plans with the rest of your friends though does it?

You never know! But she has a busy social life and a lot of friends in her city. She does not only socialise with her dh or anything like that. But I'd never guess what goes on behind closed doors. He seems lovely to me (I've also known him many years) but you do never know

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2022 12:39

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:36

We usually only meet up as a group, but I'm tempted not to participate in these anymore as I've had so many meet ups where I've had to make unpleasant journeys to make it easier for everyone else.

I used to be extremely doormat-like with friends tbh. I'm only just creating boundaries like this because I've had enough and I'm busy too with kids, work and studying

In your shoes I would be honest and say "I was looking forward to not having to travel 2-4 hours this time tbh. If everyone else can still come I'd really like that for a change?"

BeautifulElephant · 19/10/2022 12:41

What happens when she cancels? Do they all cancel?

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:41

Yeah, maybe I'll suggest it next time. I've already said I'm not coming on the Friday. It's way too big a journey for a work day

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 12:41

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern?

YABU.
Your response should have been "sorry you can't make it, everyone else can, but I'm happy to host you all again next year when you can make it too."

It seems to be about control for her - also plain selfishness. Hence the waiting til the group has conformed before she puts the kaibosh on your plans.

inche · 19/10/2022 12:43

You are U if you said that word for word as it almost sounds like you cancelled the entire thing?

I would have replied “that’s okay, we will see you another time” and had a fun day without her

WhatNoRaisins · 19/10/2022 12:44

I think you need to be quite blunt with this person and say look can we just stick to the original plan? Some people need that bluntness in my experience or they just walk all over you.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 19/10/2022 12:45

She needs some empathy that the journey she doesn’t want to make is the same one she wants you to make.

inche · 19/10/2022 12:45

It’s okay for people to cancel or not want to go - doesn’t mean you can’t see everyone else minus that person.

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:46

They're still going to meet up on the Friday btw. As they all live close.

I just say to count me out in those circumstances.

I do think it's different when they're coming to me. We didn't cancel it, we said what date? Yes I can do that one, me too, me too...Julie? Long wait. Then no

OP posts:
Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 12:46

The issue here is none of you really want a four hour round trip to see the other

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:48

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 12:46

The issue here is none of you really want a four hour round trip to see the other

True! I don't really. I've done it many times. Now don't want to

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 19/10/2022 12:49

Sounds like you've had enough of the meet ups. If you don't have a 1-2-1 relationship with any of these people what's the point. I'd slow fade. Would you call any of these people if you needed help?

BigFatLiar · 19/10/2022 12:49

PinkSyCo · 19/10/2022 12:35

Maybe this particular friend has a controlling husband? It doesn’t stop you continuing with your plans with the rest of your friends though does it?

More likely she can't be bothered with the travel.

Sometimes friendships fizzle out I suspect that as far as she's concerned it's fine to see you if you want to make the effort but she's not going to. Just accept she's not that bothered and accept its nice if she wants to join but it's fine to go ahead with the others if she doesn't.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 12:51

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:48

True! I don't really. I've done it many times. Now don't want to

And that’s fair, they all live close together so it’s easy foe them but as you’ve moved two hours away it’s more cumbersome. I’d not take it personally but understand that it will lessen the time with them if you don’t wish to travel but want them all to come to uou

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:51

BigFatLiar · 19/10/2022 12:49

More likely she can't be bothered with the travel.

Sometimes friendships fizzle out I suspect that as far as she's concerned it's fine to see you if you want to make the effort but she's not going to. Just accept she's not that bothered and accept its nice if she wants to join but it's fine to go ahead with the others if she doesn't.

Exactly what I think.

I do have a closer relationship with one of them. I'm going to invite her to me on her own I think.

We all have a good laugh when we get together and are always pleased to see each other, but I don't think Julie is arsed enough to make the journey here. And tbf, I'm not arsed enough to go to her either

OP posts:
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