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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend has annoyed me a bit - aibu?

85 replies

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:28

I have a small group of friends who live a train journey away from where I do.

I've known them for many years but we've ended up living in different places.

Because they all live near each other, I usually travel to them, but it isn't exactly convenient to do so. I do it because I want to see them and they suggest a catch up.

Anyway, the last couple of times we've been trying to fix a date for a meet up, I've had to put my foot down a bit with one of them.
Last time the rest of us had agreed to meet somewhere which was a journey across their city for them, but still within it. It was still an hour on the train for me, but not too bad. One friend said it was too far and she couldn't leave her dh with the kids too long (we have the same number of kids) so could we meet at a public park across the road from hers? We weren't invited to her house because her kids would be there and she wanted to have fun away from them. This doubled my journey time from one hour to two hours, so I said no, I'm not travelling that far to sit on a park bench!

This time, friends wanted to meet up for a night out in their city and I said I genuinely cannot afford a night out just now. I've reduced my hours at work to retrain so I am on a tight budget. I said I'd be happy to host them at mine though, which would work out way cheaper if they brought a bottle or something..

Everyone else said they'd come here for a change to help me out. Then the other friend chips in days later (she always waits till it's arranged, then says no after a couple of days) and says that's impossible till next year but if I'd come to her then she could do a Friday evening. I work Fridays and then collect kids from school and sort out their dinner before dh finishes work. Journey to her is two hours each way so I'd have to arrive at hers, stay about an hour and turn round and come back again on the last train home (which is vile on a Friday night).

I don't normally suggest the meet ups btw. It's usually someone else, but I'm happy to go along.

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange.

OP posts:
CatSpeakForDummies · 19/10/2022 14:49

The whole dynamic where you all have to agree and are kept hanging for ages for someone to bother to reply is making the friendship harder work than it needs to be. This politeness and "compromising" would work if you were actually having a conversation, but when you need to drag it out over weeks and have everyone reply it becomes a total ball-ache. Issue invites, proceed with those who can come, chase up those who don't reply. If I was 1 or 2 and looking forward to seeing my friends this weekend, then everyone bailed over someone else who hadn't bothered to reply - I would be prioritising other, more reliable friends in the future.

You have invited them over, 1 and 2 can come and you can arrange the post-Christmas things as an as well, rather than an instead.

I think you should send a general message along the lines of:
"it's so hard for us all to get together, isn't it? I'd love to see 1 and 2 this weekend and come to Julies after Christmas - better to have lots of meet ups with only some of us than never managing to see each other at all, x"

dcadmamagain · 19/10/2022 14:57

So she’s arranged already for the others to go to her house and is only now inviting you….

just have the others round to yours

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 15:05

If I was 1 or 2 and looking forward to seeing my friends this weekend, then everyone bailed over someone else who hadn't bothered to reply - I would be prioritising other, more reliable friends in the future

It's a group chat and it was Friend 2 who asked Julie if she could make it whereupon Julie said not till...

I would honestly be astonished if they were offended as it is usually Friend 1 & 2 who say "no let's wait for a day we can all do". It is usually Julie who can't make it.

@dcadmamagain it doesn't bother me that she arranged that without me as they live near each other. I don't want or expect to be invited to everything they do together. It would be completely impractical

OP posts:
sandytooth · 19/10/2022 15:06

Is Julie the queen bee?

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 15:06

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 15:06

Is Julie the queen bee?

....no comment

OP posts:
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 15:07

She's a benign queen bee I think

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 19/10/2022 16:21

"it's so hard for us all to get together, isn't it? I'd love to see 1 and 2 this weekend and come to Julies after Christmas - better to have lots of meet ups with only some of us than never managing to see each other at all, x"

Send this message. Invite 1 and 2 round.

Welshmonster · 20/10/2022 22:39

Time to make time to make some local friends rather than travelling to them. Get the others to come to your house and post what a great time you’re having to create a bit of FOMO

Anonymous12344 · 21/10/2022 00:43

Can i ask how op IBU?

Sennelier1 · 21/10/2022 16:20

Absolutely! And maybe that would make her think twice next time!

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