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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has annoyed me a bit - aibu?

85 replies

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:28

I have a small group of friends who live a train journey away from where I do.

I've known them for many years but we've ended up living in different places.

Because they all live near each other, I usually travel to them, but it isn't exactly convenient to do so. I do it because I want to see them and they suggest a catch up.

Anyway, the last couple of times we've been trying to fix a date for a meet up, I've had to put my foot down a bit with one of them.
Last time the rest of us had agreed to meet somewhere which was a journey across their city for them, but still within it. It was still an hour on the train for me, but not too bad. One friend said it was too far and she couldn't leave her dh with the kids too long (we have the same number of kids) so could we meet at a public park across the road from hers? We weren't invited to her house because her kids would be there and she wanted to have fun away from them. This doubled my journey time from one hour to two hours, so I said no, I'm not travelling that far to sit on a park bench!

This time, friends wanted to meet up for a night out in their city and I said I genuinely cannot afford a night out just now. I've reduced my hours at work to retrain so I am on a tight budget. I said I'd be happy to host them at mine though, which would work out way cheaper if they brought a bottle or something..

Everyone else said they'd come here for a change to help me out. Then the other friend chips in days later (she always waits till it's arranged, then says no after a couple of days) and says that's impossible till next year but if I'd come to her then she could do a Friday evening. I work Fridays and then collect kids from school and sort out their dinner before dh finishes work. Journey to her is two hours each way so I'd have to arrive at hers, stay about an hour and turn round and come back again on the last train home (which is vile on a Friday night).

I don't normally suggest the meet ups btw. It's usually someone else, but I'm happy to go along.

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange.

OP posts:
FanniesFlaps · 19/10/2022 13:42

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 19/10/2022 12:32

I would just say "sorry Lisa, that's such a Shame you can't make it to mine with the others. We will see you next time." And then continue with your plans.

Just because one person can't make it is being an awkward bitch doesn't mean you need to change your plans.

This.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:43

LIZS · 19/10/2022 13:32

So you could still have had friends 1 and 2 to yours as agreed. Not cancelled.

I actually think it would have been weird in the context of the conversation and the group to say "fuck ya Julie, we'll meet up without you". We really don't do that, (rightly or wrongly...wrongly probably), so however I said it it would have looked like making a point. Which I cannot be arsed with at all. It is a group I see occasionally and much as I like them, I do not feel like the group is important enough for me to be getting into confrontations over it. No matter how minor or how unreasonable it would be for Julie to take it the wrong way.

I dont think I've offended anyone. In the past, if one of the 'Durham' lot couldn't make it to a meet up and said "you go on without me" they would usually change the day so they can all come. So it would be quite weird if they now took the hump over me doing the same.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:46

Ok that's fine you know the group better than we do. But I think it is really unfair to get annoyed 1 and 2 won't come to yours when you're choosing to cancel the while thing just because friend 3 is lazy or whatever

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:52

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:46

Ok that's fine you know the group better than we do. But I think it is really unfair to get annoyed 1 and 2 won't come to yours when you're choosing to cancel the while thing just because friend 3 is lazy or whatever

You're right. That would be really unfair.

But I don't know how you have interpreted it that way at all tbh!

I am not annoyed. I do not mind waiting another 6 months to hang out. I like my friends but we are not a close knit group who sees each other often. I didn't suggest the meet up. I am not desperate to see them (nice as it would be) and I am not annoyed they are not now coming to me.

I am annoyed because I actually think Julie is being deliberately awkward because she cannot be bothered to travel to me to hang out. I've travelled to her and the others more times than I can count. That makes sense as one person travelling to see them is less awkward than several people travelling. However, I think now I'm asking them to come to me she is digging her heels in. She can be a little snobby about 'Sunderland' and anywhere which isn't Durham, so I think that's part of it.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 19/10/2022 14:00

If you only want to meet when everyone is available then you surely have to accept that it's going to be more difficult. Many people in groups just arrange meet ups and who can come comes as you'd be waiting forever to get everyone available.

mam0918 · 19/10/2022 14:00

Just say 'Im so sorry you cant make it, maybe next time'.

I don't see why everyone/anyone else has to cancel for one person.

I would also point out all the logical reasons that doesnt work for you like you did here. I would just give her the benefit of the doubt of her being a bit dozy/self wrapped before thinking shes deliberately a CF if no one has ever explained to her why it doesnt work for anyone else.

Im the one that lives far from my friends, I drive and they dont plus I hate hosting so I travel to them... theres no garantee Ill see all of them and we're not going to cancel on nearly a dozen people just because 1 or 2 of them has some other plan for the day, I'll just catch them next time.

LIZS · 19/10/2022 14:01

Julie gave you the nod to go ahead anyway. All it would have taken was a " do we still want to meet at mine without Julie or wait". As you can't make her proposed date is that not what is likely to happen without you. Why are you prioritising her attendance over your own?

mam0918 · 19/10/2022 14:04

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:52

You're right. That would be really unfair.

But I don't know how you have interpreted it that way at all tbh!

I am not annoyed. I do not mind waiting another 6 months to hang out. I like my friends but we are not a close knit group who sees each other often. I didn't suggest the meet up. I am not desperate to see them (nice as it would be) and I am not annoyed they are not now coming to me.

I am annoyed because I actually think Julie is being deliberately awkward because she cannot be bothered to travel to me to hang out. I've travelled to her and the others more times than I can count. That makes sense as one person travelling to see them is less awkward than several people travelling. However, I think now I'm asking them to come to me she is digging her heels in. She can be a little snobby about 'Sunderland' and anywhere which isn't Durham, so I think that's part of it.

Show quote history

Wait we are only talking Sunderland to Durham?

This is really overdramatic

Snoken · 19/10/2022 14:09

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:43

I actually think it would have been weird in the context of the conversation and the group to say "fuck ya Julie, we'll meet up without you". We really don't do that, (rightly or wrongly...wrongly probably), so however I said it it would have looked like making a point. Which I cannot be arsed with at all. It is a group I see occasionally and much as I like them, I do not feel like the group is important enough for me to be getting into confrontations over it. No matter how minor or how unreasonable it would be for Julie to take it the wrong way.

I dont think I've offended anyone. In the past, if one of the 'Durham' lot couldn't make it to a meet up and said "you go on without me" they would usually change the day so they can all come. So it would be quite weird if they now took the hump over me doing the same.

Show quote history

"...say "fuck ya Julie, we'll meet up without you". We really don't do that"

Except they all do that, it's just you who don't. They are happy to meet up without you, but you are not happy to meet the others without Julie. I think you need to be a bit more selfish. Julie clearly can't be bothered to come and see you, but the others sounded really up for it.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:12

@mam0918

It isn't really Sunderland or Durham. Journey times are as I've already stated. One hour from me to the outskirts of their city. Two hours to the area my friends live in.

That's lovely you're happy to drive to your friends every time. I almost always do the same (but by train). On this one occasion I said I couldn't and could they come to me. It is annoying to me, that Julie is being deliberately awkward on the one occasion I've asked them to come here.

@LIZS you seem absolutely determined to say I'm wrong. I've heard you. I disagree in the context and tbh, I'm not answering your statements anymore as you seem hell bent on proving me wrong.

It isn't a big deal. I am not going to lose sleep over any of it. I was a bit annoyed is all and wondered if I was U.

I do like Julie a lot and I've known her for many years and we were once quite close, but she is an absolute nightmare to arrange anything with.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:14

Snoken · 19/10/2022 14:09

"...say "fuck ya Julie, we'll meet up without you". We really don't do that"

Except they all do that, it's just you who don't. They are happy to meet up without you, but you are not happy to meet the others without Julie. I think you need to be a bit more selfish. Julie clearly can't be bothered to come and see you, but the others sounded really up for it.

Show quote history

I know what you mean, but they live round the corner from one another and it does make sense that they hang out without me. I do not care. It makes sense. It is reasonable. I am not hurt in any way by it. I cannot emphasise that enough.

I'll see if the others want to do something another day maybe. But maybe not on the group chat.

OP posts:
KarenOLantern · 19/10/2022 14:16

YANBU to be annoyed at this friend, but YABU to think about forgetting about the meet-ups, given that it's only one person who's being like that.
I think most friendship groups have someone in them who's a bit lazier/more self-centred and wants all the plans to revolve around them. You have to be firm sometimes. Not everyone has to go to every gathering.

YABVU however to cancel the whole gathering until next year just because one person can't make it. I really don't think any normal person would be offended by that or think anything was amiss. If Julie couldn't make it until next week and you decided you couldn't even be bothered to wait one week to include her then yeah, that would be a bit insulting to Julie. But if she can't come until next year then afaic she's ruled herself out of group meet-ups for the rest of the year and freed the rest of you up to meet up without her. That's how it goes with most people.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 14:16

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:52

You're right. That would be really unfair.

But I don't know how you have interpreted it that way at all tbh!

I am not annoyed. I do not mind waiting another 6 months to hang out. I like my friends but we are not a close knit group who sees each other often. I didn't suggest the meet up. I am not desperate to see them (nice as it would be) and I am not annoyed they are not now coming to me.

I am annoyed because I actually think Julie is being deliberately awkward because she cannot be bothered to travel to me to hang out. I've travelled to her and the others more times than I can count. That makes sense as one person travelling to see them is less awkward than several people travelling. However, I think now I'm asking them to come to me she is digging her heels in. She can be a little snobby about 'Sunderland' and anywhere which isn't Durham, so I think that's part of it.

Show quote history

I may have misunderstood this bit Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange. I thought you were pisssd off with the whole group. But yeah be pissed off at Julie for not saying "go ahead with out me"

incheon · 19/10/2022 14:20

I would host the others without her…but you have your reasons for not doing so. However it is normal in most social groups to meet up with some of the group if the others are busy. The rest of your group meet without you so I don’t think this “rule” does exist in your group?

Ultimately if you want to salvage a friendship then keep things as they are - offer them to come over again or travel down all the way.

But if you’re wanting to distance yourself then do so, lower the frequency of your meetings and just keep in touch online. I think it’s too early to say Julie is being deliberately awkward but if you believe it, call her out or change your future behaviour in response.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:20

I am pissed off with Julie alone. I think she's being deliberately awkward.

She didn't say "go ahead without me", but to be fair to her, when anyone from 'Durham' has said that before, the others have always said "no let's wait for a date we can all do". So she probably assumed we wouldn't go ahead without her even if she did say that.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 19/10/2022 14:21

I probably would have said "Ah that's a shame PITA, we'll catch you next time. Friend 1 & 2, do let me know if you'd still like to come" and left it there.

Tbh I think it's fucking weird that they as a group think it's ok to have you travel all the time and not offer to come out to you instead.

incheon · 19/10/2022 14:23

Tbh I think it's fucking weird that they as a group think it's ok to have you travel all the time and not offer to come out to you instead.

could be that the amenities are different in each area and more appealing where they live

mam0918 · 19/10/2022 14:23

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:12

@mam0918

It isn't really Sunderland or Durham. Journey times are as I've already stated. One hour from me to the outskirts of their city. Two hours to the area my friends live in.

That's lovely you're happy to drive to your friends every time. I almost always do the same (but by train). On this one occasion I said I couldn't and could they come to me. It is annoying to me, that Julie is being deliberately awkward on the one occasion I've asked them to come here.

@LIZS you seem absolutely determined to say I'm wrong. I've heard you. I disagree in the context and tbh, I'm not answering your statements anymore as you seem hell bent on proving me wrong.

It isn't a big deal. I am not going to lose sleep over any of it. I was a bit annoyed is all and wondered if I was U.

I do like Julie a lot and I've known her for many years and we were once quite close, but she is an absolute nightmare to arrange anything with.

I actually lived in your 'example' most my life.

I didnt drive until 2 years ago and travelled that distance by public transport daily just to attend college (while I had a baby btw) and for the last 10 years far more than double that from the penines down to middlesborough (3 hours, 2 busses, 2 trains) to visit friends, its a common journey so your 'example' makes zero sense and is massively over dramatic and just sounds like you arent ACTUALLY friends with these people.

If its anywhere close to the equivilant of Durham to Sunderland you're being silly to cause drama over it.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:28

Friend 1 and 2 are lovely. Julie is too, but she's a lot more decisive. 1 & 2 are so passive and easy going. Friend 1 especially would never even consider that I wasn't enjoying doing the travelling. I have had to really spell it out recently. As soon as I did, 1 & 2 immediately realised what I mean, but Julie seems to be reluctant to be inconvenienced. Which I absolutely get, but then why should I be inconvenienced either when I'm not even the one who suggested it?

Anyway, thanks for all your responses. I will think about inviting 1 & 2 separately.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:31

mam0918 · 19/10/2022 14:23

I actually lived in your 'example' most my life.

I didnt drive until 2 years ago and travelled that distance by public transport daily just to attend college (while I had a baby btw) and for the last 10 years far more than double that from the penines down to middlesborough (3 hours, 2 busses, 2 trains) to visit friends, its a common journey so your 'example' makes zero sense and is massively over dramatic and just sounds like you arent ACTUALLY friends with these people.

If its anywhere close to the equivilant of Durham to Sunderland you're being silly to cause drama over it.

Show quote history

@mam0918

Good for you.

The example I used was to illustrate how we met in one city ('Newcastle'), then we all left and they moved to 'Durham'. I moved to 'Sunderland'. This was in response to people saying "well if you move away...". My point was that I didn't move away from 'Durham' as I'd never lived there.

Geographically they are not exactly the same as the actual cities. You've got me banged to rights there. Well done

OP posts:
Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:32

Oh and @mam0918 , her name isn't really Julie either 🤯

OP posts:
FindersKeeper · 19/10/2022 14:32

incheon · 19/10/2022 14:23

Tbh I think it's fucking weird that they as a group think it's ok to have you travel all the time and not offer to come out to you instead.

could be that the amenities are different in each area and more appealing where they live

But if they're happy to call now with a bottle of wine or whatever then amenities be damned, I couldn't be so rude to ever accept (and expect!) people travelling to me all the time and not at least make a few return journeys.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 19/10/2022 14:42

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 19/10/2022 12:32

I would just say "sorry Lisa, that's such a Shame you can't make it to mine with the others. We will see you next time." And then continue with your plans.

Just because one person can't make it is being an awkward bitch doesn't mean you need to change your plans.

Yeah this, cut her out of this group meet up and maybe she'll have a rethink when she doesn't get what she wants!

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 14:43

@incheon I don't want to preserve the friendship enough to travel down every time.

I live in a nice area of a nice city, but it isn't as buzzing as their city. My city is smaller definitely, but we live in a nice part of it and arguably our city is slightly safer and I live more central than they do so closer to whatever amenities they want. However, I can't afford to go out anyway, so I wouldn't ve going with them to bars or anything. Just making dinner and wine at home etc.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 19/10/2022 14:44

Oh god solidarity op, I live an hour and a half from everyone so it’s automatically at least twenty euro to get to them. I really wish I lived closer or that people wouldn’t say they can’t make it this far as it’s too much of a trek (fine for me to do it every time though!!!)

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