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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has annoyed me a bit - aibu?

85 replies

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:28

I have a small group of friends who live a train journey away from where I do.

I've known them for many years but we've ended up living in different places.

Because they all live near each other, I usually travel to them, but it isn't exactly convenient to do so. I do it because I want to see them and they suggest a catch up.

Anyway, the last couple of times we've been trying to fix a date for a meet up, I've had to put my foot down a bit with one of them.
Last time the rest of us had agreed to meet somewhere which was a journey across their city for them, but still within it. It was still an hour on the train for me, but not too bad. One friend said it was too far and she couldn't leave her dh with the kids too long (we have the same number of kids) so could we meet at a public park across the road from hers? We weren't invited to her house because her kids would be there and she wanted to have fun away from them. This doubled my journey time from one hour to two hours, so I said no, I'm not travelling that far to sit on a park bench!

This time, friends wanted to meet up for a night out in their city and I said I genuinely cannot afford a night out just now. I've reduced my hours at work to retrain so I am on a tight budget. I said I'd be happy to host them at mine though, which would work out way cheaper if they brought a bottle or something..

Everyone else said they'd come here for a change to help me out. Then the other friend chips in days later (she always waits till it's arranged, then says no after a couple of days) and says that's impossible till next year but if I'd come to her then she could do a Friday evening. I work Fridays and then collect kids from school and sort out their dinner before dh finishes work. Journey to her is two hours each way so I'd have to arrive at hers, stay about an hour and turn round and come back again on the last train home (which is vile on a Friday night).

I don't normally suggest the meet ups btw. It's usually someone else, but I'm happy to go along.

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 19/10/2022 12:53

Aibu to have said fine, let's wait till next year then and to actually be a bit irked at this pattern? I feel like forgetting the group meet ups as they're a pita to arrange. Yes! You're being so unreasonable. Just say to the one friend ah well never mind, we'll do it at mine this time and arrange something else for next year.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 12:55

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:46

They're still going to meet up on the Friday btw. As they all live close.

I just say to count me out in those circumstances.

I do think it's different when they're coming to me. We didn't cancel it, we said what date? Yes I can do that one, me too, me too...Julie? Long wait. Then no

Then fine you say OK we'll all do this date and Julie we'll arrange something else next year

inche · 19/10/2022 12:55

Does it annoy you when they meet up without you? Just seems part and parcel of moving away/not living near them.

One of my (ex?) best friends moved to London from the Midlands this year. Before she moved, we would see each other once a week at least, whether that was a grocery shop together/chilling at home or actual plans out. I gave her a gift when she left as I knew I wouldn’t be seeing her as much although we were close, she was surprised at this as she thought it would be easy for me to hop on a train and see her. I haven’t been down to see her once as the travel isn’t ideal and it’s upset her a bit. But like you, she’s never offered to travel to me!

AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2022 12:55

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:41

Yeah, maybe I'll suggest it next time. I've already said I'm not coming on the Friday. It's way too big a journey for a work day

So are the rest of them going to go with her suggestion now or is it cancelled? If they just dropped the plan to go to yours to go with what she said even though you can't go to that then I'd fuck them all off and not bother with anymore meetings. That's really rude

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:56

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 12:51

And that’s fair, they all live close together so it’s easy foe them but as you’ve moved two hours away it’s more cumbersome. I’d not take it personally but understand that it will lessen the time with them if you don’t wish to travel but want them all to come to uou

Show quote history

I didn't live there and move away btw. It's like we all met when we lived in (not the real cities Newcastle, now they live in Durham and I live in Sunderland.

And no, I wouldn't ask any of them for help in an emergency as they live too far away.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 12:58

inche · 19/10/2022 12:55

Does it annoy you when they meet up without you? Just seems part and parcel of moving away/not living near them.

One of my (ex?) best friends moved to London from the Midlands this year. Before she moved, we would see each other once a week at least, whether that was a grocery shop together/chilling at home or actual plans out. I gave her a gift when she left as I knew I wouldn’t be seeing her as much although we were close, she was surprised at this as she thought it would be easy for me to hop on a train and see her. I haven’t been down to see her once as the travel isn’t ideal and it’s upset her a bit. But like you, she’s never offered to travel to me!

Not in the slightest! I do not care.

They obviously meet up a lot more as they live really near each other. It would be honestly insane to take offence to this.

And I never lived there. No moving away involved. If anything, I live nearer the city we met in than they do. Not that it matters

OP posts:
Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:00

And I've travelled to them many, many times. They've been in their 'new' city for years and years. I've been in mine the same. I've almost always travelled to them becauseit makes sense as only one person travelling instead of a group. It's in my op

OP posts:
FlounderingFruitcake · 19/10/2022 13:05

I have a friendship group where most of them all live spitting distance from each other so I sort of get it, especially the bit about not driving for hours to sit on a park bench, although that was definitely a covid thing!! What is odd about your group is that they all have come as a package deal. Switching plans to accommodate her and not you, when you were nice enough to invite everyone over, makes it sound like you’re throughly second tier (sorry). It might not be that personal, as you can attest to, no one wants to do that length of journey regularly. But it’s probably not feasible that you remain a core group member. Maybe just one of those things and the friendship is fizzling out.

Tiani4 · 19/10/2022 13:09

So it's ok for Lisa to "host" (on a park bench opposite her house) a meet up that not everyone can come up but not you?

Of course you can- just say- "right girls - we're all still on for Friday night on X date at my house see you then. Bring soft drinks or wine and ... Lisa can't make it but then you'll be seeing her this week anyway"

If the girls come with excuses given they'd already said they were free, and are happy to have group meet ups without you on days impossible for you to make, then you know where you stand. Ie nowhere in this group as they don't all individually consider you their friend!

To be fair two hours each way journey time is a bit prohibitive for an eve meet up anyway! (is that trains ?as frankly it can take an hour for me on train/ with walks to station either side when it's 15 mins drive in the car!)

I wouldn't bother if you're friends never make an effort to meet up halfway or come over to you. In fairness you should be meeting up 1x nearer you then 3x nearer them

Princess Lisa seems self centred expecting everyone else to fit around her and unwilling to put herself out and then trying to stop other friends meeting up with you!

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:14

I genuinely do not care if I'm second tier. But they suggest the catch ups. If they just got on with their own meet ups without me, it wouldn't bother or involve me. It's the expectation that I come to them when I'm pretty busy with my own life.

I think I'm happy with my response now I've been able to talk it through. I don't mind waiting till next year. If they meet up without me, I also have no problems with that and think I'd be seriously unreasonable to as it is simply down to location. But for the time being, if they really want to see me it has to be nearer me. If that means no meet up, I would be fine with that too.

This sounds like I dislike their company which I absolutely do not. They are such good fun and we laugh loads when we get together. We've been friends for ages and I think a lot of them all, but I'm just no longer willing to make that journey when it isn't convenient.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 19/10/2022 13:14

She is a cheeky, flaky arsehole. Of course you should take turns to do the travelling. She clearly thinks life revolves around her.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:15

The park bench had nothing to do with covid either.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:15

BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:14

I genuinely do not care if I'm second tier. But they suggest the catch ups. If they just got on with their own meet ups without me, it wouldn't bother or involve me. It's the expectation that I come to them when I'm pretty busy with my own life.

I think I'm happy with my response now I've been able to talk it through. I don't mind waiting till next year. If they meet up without me, I also have no problems with that and think I'd be seriously unreasonable to as it is simply down to location. But for the time being, if they really want to see me it has to be nearer me. If that means no meet up, I would be fine with that too.

This sounds like I dislike their company which I absolutely do not. They are such good fun and we laugh loads when we get together. We've been friends for ages and I think a lot of them all, but I'm just no longer willing to make that journey when it isn't convenient.

You don't have to wait until next year! Why do that? I don't get what your issue is not meeting up with the one who can't be arsed.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:16

All your friends who could do that date might be offended they aren't good enough for you and its all about Julie for you.

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:19

I've already said to them I'm not coming to them and am happy to wait till next year (which I am). I don't mind waiting at all. Our meet ups aren't that regular anyway due to distance. If I was desperate to see them ASAP I would do as many of you say and say the offer is still there to come to me. But as it is, I'm happy to leave it.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 19/10/2022 13:21

I think you just need to meet up with whoever is available in a place that suits those people. I have a group of 5 friends we live all over the UK, and regularly meet up with some of us based on availability but also we like doing different things together. Don't really get why you'd wait until you're all available to meet up, if I did that I'd never see my friends!

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:22

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:16

All your friends who could do that date might be offended they aren't good enough for you and its all about Julie for you.

I'd be astonished if they think that as I've had to be a bit more forthright with Julie and it's probably clear that I think she's being quite unreasonable. But I'm going to invite one of them on a day that suits her and me. She can stay with me as well as only one person, so the journey might be easier. I'll say she can invite the others if she wants to.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:23

So did the conversation basically go like this:
You: Can we do it at mine is everyone free on x?
Friend 1: yes sure
Friend 2: ok that will be nice
Friend 3: yes that date is good for me
(Some time later)
Friend 4: no I can't do until after Christmas sorry
You: ok I'll come to yours after Christmas then?

Becuase if I was Friend 1, 2 or 3 I would be feeling a bit pissed off at that.

LIZS · 19/10/2022 13:26

Is it not a "that's a shame maybe next time" response? Why do you all need to attend every outing together or not meet at all. It does sound as if she cannot rely on her oh for childcare or is nervous to do so.

temporarysecrettellingnamechange · 19/10/2022 13:26

This is why I don't have group of friends. Meeting someone one on one is enough for me.

Sorry I know that's not helpful, but genuinely, is it worth it? Are the nights that good?

Original poster
BusinessStephanie · 19/10/2022 13:30

It went:

Me: I can't come to night out due to x, y, z. But I'd be happy to have you all here instead
Friend 1: OK great
Friend 2: yes, I'm in
Me: let's find a date we can do then
Friend 1: I can do this date
Me: that's fine for me too
Friend 2: me too!
Friend 1: Julie?
.....
......
........
Julie: so sorry, I can't make that date. It looks like I won't be able to until month next year. But I was going to have 1 & 2 round on x date if you can make it Stephanie? Otherwise really sorry but can't do till next year
Me: I can't do x date at yours. Can you just count me out and we can talk closer to the time about next year?

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/10/2022 13:32

So you could still have had friends 1 and 2 to yours as agreed. Not cancelled.

DavvaD · 19/10/2022 13:34

That would be it because she'd think you were all gossiping about her during the meet up!

Shodan · 19/10/2022 13:38

What you said in reply doesn't say 'cancelled'. So you can, if you still want to, re-confirm the evening at yours with the other friends that are happy to come.

If anything, it just looks like you're up for two evenings at yours- one now, one after Christmas.

Going forward (again, only if you decide to carry on meeting up), if she tries to pull the same thing, just say "Oh what a shame you can't make it. Next time maybe." and carry on making the arrangements.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 13:42

Shodan · 19/10/2022 13:38

What you said in reply doesn't say 'cancelled'. So you can, if you still want to, re-confirm the evening at yours with the other friends that are happy to come.

If anything, it just looks like you're up for two evenings at yours- one now, one after Christmas.

Going forward (again, only if you decide to carry on meeting up), if she tries to pull the same thing, just say "Oh what a shame you can't make it. Next time maybe." and carry on making the arrangements.

Yes! Have your evening with the two who can make it and are willing to travel