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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I pretended something as I was too ashamed, now my sister is giving me the silent treatment

100 replies

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 09:35

I have severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm being treated for it.

I've been pretty much trapped in a country since the beginning of covid and after the travel ban was lifted I have been booking a flight home and then canceling it from the beginning of 2022. The reason being, I can hardly leave the house. Each time I think about going to the airport and getting on the plane, I freeze and I can't do it.

I didn't even tell my family I was trying to come home until August.
So I booked a flight home and had confided in my sister. She is the only one I had told at the time of my real reasons for not returning home after the travel ban ended. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else.

So she had been talking to me trying to convince me it was ok to get on the plane. So time comes to actually get on the plane and travel, I just couldn't do it. I felt so ashamed that I told my sister I had.

I had one stopover so told her I was there staying for awhile.
In the meantime, I had again rebooked the flight hoping I could really get on the plane.

In fb chat it all came out that I had never left the country I'm in. I was crying and all upset and felt so bad and kept apologising.

Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all. It's been over a month. I've apologised multiple times.

So is she being unreasonable to continue to give me the silent treatment for me fibbing about not actually getting on the plane. Yes to BU

Or is she justified to not speak to me anymore because I fibbed about it. No to BU

OP posts:

SydneySage · 19/10/2022 09:37

would it be easier to travel if someone came with you?

SydneySage · 19/10/2022 09:38

to answer your question though, she is probably just frustrated that you lied, and also maybe feels not important to you as you didnt tell her the truth?

Newtrix · 19/10/2022 09:40

I don't think yanbu to be scared, though I admit I find confusing but yabu to pretend you were half way there. Did you think she just wouldn't notice you hadn't arrived?

Aprilx · 19/10/2022 09:42

No your sister is not justified in her actions, if my sister came clean to me on something like this, I would only be concerned for her.

Obki · 19/10/2022 09:43

Or is she justified to not speak to me anymore because I fibbed about it. No to BU

It's not a 'fib', it's a lie. Maybe she is angry because you are minimising the lie?

I can see why it's frustrating for her because you aren't being honest with people and you're effectively asking her to keep a secret. If you told your family you have agoraphobia, would one of them come and help you to go home?

YellowTreeHouse · 19/10/2022 09:45

YABU. You didn’t “fib”, you outright lied to her.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through but that doesn’t make it okay that you lied to her.

Queuesarasarah · 19/10/2022 09:45

Neither of you are BU. You’re clearly not well. That’s not unreasonable, just very hard for you.
Your sister is probably understandably frustrated.

Have you tried medication OP? It sounds like you have tried to force yourself and that clearly isn’t possible. Please do seek proper help. Any reasonable sister would forgive you but sometimes in the midst of mental ill health it can be hard for those we are close to. So give it some time and get some help.

Brefugee · 19/10/2022 09:46

Maybe she just hasn't got anything else to say to you that wouldn't sound nasty so she isn't saying anything in preference to that?

Stop booking and cancelling flights, that just adds to your problems. You need to tell your family you will come when you are ready, and ask them not to ask you about it until they actually see you in person. And please try to have some therapy, because it will just eat away at you.

Your sister may or may not come round. In her shoes I'd probably find it hard to talk to you at any time without it keep coming back to the fact that you went that far to lie about it. (although i would be worried about you too)

EscapeTheCastle · 19/10/2022 09:47

Do you need someone to come and bring you home to the UK? I'm sure they would help if you explained how serious this is for you.

Is is just a visit back to the UK?

sourmilk · 19/10/2022 09:50

I don't understand your YABU YANBU split so voted YABU as in your sister is unreasonable.
AIBU section gets brutal so I would ask for it to be moved elsewhere such as Mental health section or relationship. You'll get more understanding replies there.

You lied because you didn't want to let them down again. You must have felt intense pressure from the family added to your own guilt and shame about this. Anxiety and agoraphobia along with many MH issues are hugely minimised by others who do not suffer from them.

If I were your sister, I'd be disappointed that we have pushed you and pressured you so much that you had to lie to not let us down. I would realise the way we are talking to you is not helping you and try to approach things and support you differently. You are suffering and don't deserve the silent treatment. Your sister is however entitled to step back or be in less contact if this is making her feel hurt and upset. She needs to look after her own mental wellbeing too. This is not a lie worth cutting off contact or not speaking for a month. It's a lie that was a desperate attempt to cope with something you are really struggling with.

I would give your sister the space as in I would not message her or contact her. You've apologised already several times. leave it things with her and up to her and seek professional help and if whoever you are getting help from doesn't seem to be working please try someone or some other method.

Original poster

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 09:52

Yes, it would be easier if someone traveled with me. I don't have anyone who can do that. Yes, I am returning for good. I was working here on a project and got stuck when the borders closed.

They either don't have a current passport or don't have the money.

I had told her I was staying in the halfway country for a few days. It was Singapore.

I came clean to everyone. I told them I lied. My other sister and grown DC. I apologised to everyone for lying. Everyone else is fine. They were/are concerned me being stuck here.
She's the only one not speaking to me.

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 19/10/2022 09:53

This sounds exhausting for everyone involved. You need to leave your sister out of this and book some therapy ASAP.

MultiTulip · 19/10/2022 09:54

I can see both sides here. You have a mental health problem and presumably do actually want to get home? But it’s very hard to accept being outright lied to and if I was your sister I might not want to speak to someone who’d told a lie like that, because you don’t know whether anything they say is true.

Are you getting mental health support to try and get home? Are you now in the other country illegally?

AlisonDonut · 19/10/2022 09:55

I don't understand how they haven't made you return, did you have a lifetime visa or something?

FanTaill · 19/10/2022 09:56

They either don't have a current passport or don't have the money.
Can you pay for someone who does have a passport? It must be costing you in cancelling and rebooking flights. Put that money into their airfare and hotel instead.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/10/2022 09:57

Do you have the money to pay for them to get here? If I were you I'd be paying or at least putting money towards the tickets/passport

Obki · 19/10/2022 09:57

Just give your sister time. Send her the odd emoji (like a heart) to let you know you're thinking about her.

Is there anyone you know (a friend or colleague or a neighbour) that has plans to plans to make this trip? Could you go with them>?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2022 09:59

It sounds like she’s supported you as much as she’s got the capacity to do and she needs a break. She must have her own stuff going on, everyone does, and she’s just done trying to help you - for the moment.

You are minimising your lie and the upheaval to others of your behaviour. It’s not your fault but that doesn’t mitigate the impact of those who care about you and are trying to help you.

You’ve got serious mental health issues, your sister is just and not a trained medical professional. She’s not qualified to be your only prop.

Focus on the things you can change. You’re wasting energy by trying to make anything her fault or her responsibility. She’s done her best, cut her some slack.

ToadSmall · 19/10/2022 09:59

She's probably frustrated with the whole thing.

It was probably very obvious to her you were lying when you said you were just going to live in Singapore instead of coming all of the way home!

You need to focus on yourself and achieving whatever it is you want to achieve rather than focusing on trying to get your sister to fall in with your narrative. You don't need to bring her into any more plans that you are making.

Original poster

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 10:01

I'm here legally still. The country is Australia so obviously a long flight.
My DD said she would come and get me when she has time off.

OP posts:

Original poster

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 10:06

Just give your sister time. Send her the odd emoji (like a heart) to let you know you're thinking about her

I sent a couple funny memes a few days after and I apologised more. She'd read but no reply. So I just waited a month and sent another apology and some things I knew she'd like to see. She just reads and says nothing. It's been 6 weeks total now.

OP posts:

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 19/10/2022 10:06

I've been in the position where I couldn't get on a plane, go in a lift, couldn't use the Tube even though I used to commute on it no problem, etc. I even had a panic attack in a big supermarket because of overload/didn't know where the door was. I bought a Fear of Flying course book with self-hypnosis CD (i think it was by Paul McKenna) and it did the trick for me. I've flown since and it was normal, like sitting on a bus. The CD told my subconscious brain how wonderful flying was, how safe, etc. You CAN overcome your fear, but you need a bit of outside help to do it. Good luck!

Original poster

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 10:08

@sourmilk
Thanks. I didn't think it was worth all this time silent treatment either. I don't expect her to do anything or help me or anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

fraideecat · 19/10/2022 10:10

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth
Thanks. I'll look for that. I will keep trying.
I used to be fine too but we had such severe lockdowns here, I developed agoraphobia.

OP posts:

YellowTreeHouse · 19/10/2022 10:11

Are you receiving therapy?

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