I pretended something as I was too ashamed, now my sister is giving me the silent treatment

[fraideecat]

I have severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm being treated for it.

I've been pretty much trapped in a country since the beginning of covid and after the travel ban was lifted I have been booking a flight home and then canceling it from the beginning of 2022. The reason being, I can hardly leave the house. Each time I think about going to the airport and getting on the plane, I freeze and I can't do it.

I didn't even tell my family I was trying to come home until August.
So I booked a flight home and had confided in my sister. She is the only one I had told at the time of my real reasons for not returning home after the travel ban ended. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else.

So she had been talking to me trying to convince me it was ok to get on the plane. So time comes to actually get on the plane and travel, I just couldn't do it. I felt so ashamed that I told my sister I had.

I had one stopover so told her I was there staying for awhile.
In the meantime, I had again rebooked the flight hoping I could really get on the plane.

In fb chat it all came out that I had never left the country I'm in. I was crying and all upset and felt so bad and kept apologising.

Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all. It's been over a month. I've apologised multiple times.

So is she being unreasonable to continue to give me the silent treatment for me fibbing about not actually getting on the plane. Yes to BU

Or is she justified to not speak to me anymore because I fibbed about it. No to BU

Mental health isnt an excuse to treat others like shit and just brush it off and excuse it.

No one is mad at OP for her illness they are mad that she lied unnessacerily which deliberately caused a knock on effect through everyone else possibly risking their mental health too.

No one has to risk their own mental health to support toxic behaviors of others.

If anything it sound like you dont have experiance of having to be the person who deals with it and refuse to educate yourself dispite the fact most people have clearly explained it.

It sounds as though you confided in her and she did everything she could to support you, you gave her reason to think that her support was helping you, that the time and emotional energy she invested was producing real progress. Who knows which of her own worries and stresses she set down to help you beat this and get you home. And there you were, sat at home, while you told her that you made the first leg successfully and she had quitly celebrated your step, and hers by-proxi - you were coming home.

And then you call it a fib here, did you use that word when you told her that it was all a charade?

She's not a therapist by the sounds of things. She did what she could and she is spent. How other posters are telling you that she owes you another round of support is beyond me and she is in some way lacking for not being able to pick up all your worries again, really? Of course some cute memes won't mend the problem.

You'll need to find support from a professional or other members of your family, op. It sounds incredibly isolating to be stuck in a country away from home like this. But I think you need to find a better way to apologise to your sister when you are home and the dust has settled.

I have a family member with a different mental health condition (hoarding).

I've really tried to support her over the years but it has got really bad and she is totally in denial and I've had to totally withdraw for my own mental health.

I can imagine her posting a thread like this on social media but honestly I've done all I can and my cup is empty.

If you think about this situation from your sisters point of view is that perhaps how she is feeling?

Can you think of it not as being ‘given the silent treatment’ as some sort of punishment, but as your sister feeling helpless and overwhelmed as she doesn’t know how else to help you? That maybe she needs to regroup a bit after putting a lot of care into trying to help you, and feeling excited and relieved that you’d done it, and then feeling confused and sad and frustrated (as you did) when you couldn’t do it?

I think you were silly to lie, but I kind of understand why you did and am shocked that your sister is being so harsh on you. If I were her I would be more worried about your mental health and the fact that you are stuck in a country you don’t want to be in than my own hurt feelings! There are only so many times you can apologise so personally I would leave her alone to stew for now. I hope that you manage to get home soon and make up with your sister when you do.

Forget about your sister for now and focus on getting some good hypnotherapy for your fears. You can mend any bridges when you finally get home.

So sorry you are struggling op, I’m sure your sister being so silent is adding to your issues. As hurt as you are, I’m guessing she is equally hurt that you lied but, people without severe MH issues, really can’t understand how they affect the sufferers so she won’t fully understand how/why you did that in a panicked moment. Give her time.

As someone who sometimes can’t even open the door to the Amazon delivery man I do get it. I hope you find your way back to the U.K. soon

I don't think it's fair that you're downplaying what you did by calling it a fib.

Fibs are pretending you're out of chocolate cake do you don't have to share, or saying you have a headache to avoid going out. You confided in her and then outright lied to her. She was probably terrified that you were stuck alone in some random country and unable to get home, while she was unable to tell anyone as you'd sworn her to secrecy. I'm not surprised she's angry and upset.

I understand you have mental health issues but she's not a trained professional and it's unreasonable to expect her to take all the emotion (fear, anger, worry) out of this and just get over it.

The rest of your family weren't as wrapped up in your lie so it's easier for them to accept your apology.

All you can do is give her time.

@YellowTreeHouse
Yes, I am in therapy and have medication

@crumpetswithjam
I have medication that I took before my last try. I fell asleep waiting for my taxi and ended up missing my flight.

@Wishimaywishimight
Thanks. Nothing at all was out of malice. The rest of my family were mad for a couple of days and then teased me about it.

@Sciurus83 83
Yes, my home is in the UK. I travel around the world for work.

@TequilaNights There wasn't any need to lie. My shame and embarrassment took over. I think 6 weeks it a bit much.

@mam0918
No, that isn't right. I live in the UK. I was here working. I work at different places around the world anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.
No, I wasn't staying with them. I was coming back to my own house.
Nobody was meeting me at the airport. Nobody had cleaned or prepared anything for me.
I told them I was staying in Singapore a few days. I had rebooked hoping I would make the flights this time.
Nobody would think I was any danger. They are used to me working in other countries. I've done it for 15 years.
So no, you're not correct on the situation.

@Dixiechickonhols
I wrote a detailed message explaning my mental illness. She knows. She knows about the therapy and medication. I apologised mutiple times to her. It would be very normal for me to stop and stay somewhere for a few days or so on a whim.

@supersop60
I'm glad the girl was able to overcome her fears. It makes me hopeful I can get past this. I will keep trying.

@Sisisimone
It does make it worse in a way because I keep failing over and over.
I have the medication. I will figure out how to take it and get to the airport without falling asleep

@Thurst
Come to think of it, yes, she is a drama queen.

@Doxiesshallinherittheearth
You're right. There's not a lot of understanding about mental
health and a lot of stigma around it.

@LAMPS1
I'll try to stop worrying about her. I just don't want her to be mad at me anymore. I miss her. We always have so much fun talking, virtual shopping together, sharing memes, etc.

@FourTeaFallOut
How would you suggest I apologise

@AdelaideRo
Interesting you mentioned hoarding. She is a hoarder. My mother was too.
I just ignore it when she mentions buying another something that she already has 25 of. I can't fix it.

You can't just keep booking and hoping you'll be able to get on the plane, obviously it doesn't work. Sort out therapy ASAP.

Where are your employers in all this? Aren't they pushing for you to come back?

@EmmaH2022
I was hoping I wasn't the only one who had done this. Lockdown really has had an impact on people that really isn't talked about much.

How are you now? Have you been able to travel at all?

@FourTeaFallOut
How would you suggest I apologise.

Hopefully in person with a big hug 🤞. But I'd just give it some time and try again later, and when you do acknowledge her feelings in your apology.

I sympathize with you both. Honestly, sometimes least said is soonest mended. You've apologized, so now put your energy into finding a way to get back to the UK. Give her space for now. The risk is of you pouring your energies into your feelings about your sister as a way of avoiding engaging with what you need to do to get yourself home.

Whether it's CBT or valium or a combination of that plus other things, just focus on getting it sorted. Once your sister knows that she can safely engage with you without it becoming another big drama, I suspect things will improve.

She is upset. She will come round in her own term, when she is ready. Focus on yourself first OP. It's already done. Continue to send her messages of love and how you miss her but you don't need to apologize each time, she's already seen that. She might still express a lot of anger in the end but its love too. Give her time.

I’m sorry that the lockdown response has done this to you OP.

Would it help to break the journey into smaller chunks and genuinely stay a few days in each stop? To go from housebound to flying to the other side of the world sounds completely overwhelming.

If I were you @fraideecat, what I would do is do one final apology to her for telling her that you were in another country when you weren't and say that this is the last time you're going to do that and you want to move past this issue.

Then I would draw a line under it and if she decides to come out of her temper tantrum, then that's great. If she continues to give you the silent treatment, she does but you've got to just ignore that. Include her in the family chats, whatever, but you've apologised now and that is the end of the matter as far as you're concerned.

You can start dealing with your agoraphobia and planning ahead for when your daughter will come out to you and bring you home.

You can ask for assistance at the airport, get taken on the back of one of those buggy things to the gate and boarded first so youre not queueing. Pay for a taxi from your front door, so all you have to manage is to find the person meeting you at the airport - they might meet you at the doors or you go to the assistance desk, you can find out when you ring the airport and ask for help with it. There is nothing shameful about anxiety at all, please stop telling yourself it is, it only makes it worse.

I don't think it's as simple as one of you is reasonable or unreasonable. You can't dictate how she feels about something or how she supports you. It would be nice if she were able to be there for you in the way you want, but sometimes even people who love us reach the end of their tether for a while and need space to process things. She may have her own shit going on that others aren't aware of.

I hope you get the support you need to get back home, big hugs.

jesus some replies are a bit harsh-anxiety can be crippling-she confided in her sister who clearly doesnt get it and now has chosen to ignore her dsis over it

op get some therapy and come back when your ready i think shes bu

they wrent even going to meet her at the airport why the silent treatment

she hasnt treated anyone like shit she lied because she has anxietythey werent making an special plans for her return

OP, with you abroad is your sister providing care to elderly parents / relatives?

Well, the incident I described is pre lockdown but lockdown affected me in other ways. My brain doesn't work - you will know how complex this is - so I haven't even considered going away, until this week, when I saw writing retreat that looks fun. It's not an option now but I would like to go somewhere in spring and summer.

my brain struggles with ordinary daily life so I'm not in a rush.

I have been on a two night hotel stay for work this year. Just a train journey. Prior to that, 2017.

tbh I don't really imagine I'll get on a plane again but I always had travel anxiety. Now I have the added fear of being stuck in a country because of whatever stupid reason.

I think your situation is different. I think you can do this, honestly. I just shared my experience because I don't want you to feel bad about lying. I think that was a totally understandable response and you should not be punished at all, never mind for a month!

PS I had a thread here intending to travel to Alnwick in Northumberland, but I was meant to meet a friend - she also has anxiety so she gets it.
sadly, her mum fell ill so that didn't go ahead.

Hugs
I'd leave her to it now.
If she cares for you she'll come round. Family is for life and you've got time

Focus on finding a way to get home , once you are home you can talk it out face to face when you are both ready.

Punishing you for this long is harsh, but begging her and pestering her will probably just extend the time she takes to show compassion and warmth to you.

You've apologised, you don't need to grovel to people who respect you.