I pretended something as I was too ashamed, now my sister is giving me the silent treatment

[fraideecat]

I have severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm being treated for it.

I've been pretty much trapped in a country since the beginning of covid and after the travel ban was lifted I have been booking a flight home and then canceling it from the beginning of 2022. The reason being, I can hardly leave the house. Each time I think about going to the airport and getting on the plane, I freeze and I can't do it.

I didn't even tell my family I was trying to come home until August.
So I booked a flight home and had confided in my sister. She is the only one I had told at the time of my real reasons for not returning home after the travel ban ended. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else.

So she had been talking to me trying to convince me it was ok to get on the plane. So time comes to actually get on the plane and travel, I just couldn't do it. I felt so ashamed that I told my sister I had.

I had one stopover so told her I was there staying for awhile.
In the meantime, I had again rebooked the flight hoping I could really get on the plane.

In fb chat it all came out that I had never left the country I'm in. I was crying and all upset and felt so bad and kept apologising.

Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all. It's been over a month. I've apologised multiple times.

So is she being unreasonable to continue to give me the silent treatment for me fibbing about not actually getting on the plane. Yes to BU

Or is she justified to not speak to me anymore because I fibbed about it. No to BU

Honestly I would dose up on Valium and just go for it. Valium, propranolol, whatever. It's one day of stress vs months and years of it.

Seriously OP, stop apologising, you are just enforcing her self righteous belief, over and over again, that she is right and you are wrong so stop it.

Yes, you were wrong to lie but you did it out of fear / anxiety and not out of malice. Others have accepted your apology and so should she. Just leave her be. I have no sympathy at all with someone who uses the silent treatment to deliberately cause others pain, it's completely uncalled for.

You sound like a nice person. If you were my sister I would feel only concern and apart from some teasing about you pretending to be where you were not, I would let it go and just do what I could to help you overcome your fears.

Your sister has done everything she can, and now needs a break from you. You need to stop focusing on her and start on yourself and your mental health and addressing how you will get home being honest with yourself and your family regarding your own capabilities. Is your plan to return to the UK permanently?

Your sister already knew everything, so there was no need to lie to her, but just to be honest.

Your fear is valid, and you shouldn't be ashamed, it's something you need to work on.

So, whilst you shouldn't have lied to your sister, I don't think it warrants silent treatment for this amount of time.

So you live in another country, said you where coming to visit, didnt show up and then lied that you where stranded somewhere?

You likely caused them a lot of stress and anxiety for them. If my family member was STRANDED in a strange country I would be worried sick, however if they where just at home an missed their flight I would be like 'ok, they're just at home nothing to worry about'.

Where they coming to meet you at the airport? did you leave them standing waiting

Where you staying with them? so they had to tidy, prepare host, likely buy things to have an extra person

Did they plan things? most likely, if they havent seen you in years the obviously want to spend time with you (family visits etc...)

They probably put in a lot of time and effort prepping to have you home (which again is very stressful) and you didnt even tell them you werent coming and then lied to make it seem like you would be just a bit later to keep that stress ongoing while also worrying them that you where alone in a strange country with mental health issues and possibly in danger (because thats likely where their mind goes).

While your mental health issues are not your fault you do seem completely incapable in your post of considering how your actions have/could have effected everyone elses lives and mental health.

I suggest you just stop lying to them.

Ignoring you isn’t helping anything. Don’t minimise it though saying ‘fibbing’ you have lied. She obviously knows the person you were eg capable, working abroad.
Can you send her an email explaining you have a mental illness and you didn’t mean to lie. You are sorry but you need her support. You have booked and failed to board x times. If she continues to ignore you then she’s awful.

YABU.

The word 'fib' suggests that it's a tiny little white lie, it isn't, it's a pretty big one. You allowed your sister to understand most of the truth and to support you and be there for you throughout this and then you lied to her about something pretty huge instead of just being honest with her.

When you lie to someone unfortunately it's not really in your hands how you take it, it's in theirs, so she gets to decide what she does from her onwards. It might be that this is the straw that broke the camel's back with other issues or she might just have really strong boundaries around lying. Regardless all you can do is apologise, tell her you know you were int he wrong and understand why she's so upset with you and say that you'd love to hear from her if/when she's ready, and then completely back off.

Therapy will work, OP.
I used to teach a girl who couldn't get on any kind of public transport. One day she said she couldn't attend a lesson because her therapist was taking her on a train (just one stop, 5mins travel and back)
Since then she has flown solo to New Zealand and Australia, backpacking and finding work.
It can be done.
Don't worry about your sister for now, especially if everyone else understands.

You are not unreasonable for having an irrational phobia - you obviously don’t choose to be like this and it sounds like there is not 1 thing you are afraid might happen if you were to leave the house.
however if you want to prove to your family you are serious about them and being with them and well again, you must seek intensive help and fast. Staying in your house ‘hoping to try again’ is not good enough. You need psychiatric help and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck.

First things first, get therapy to treat this (CBT would probably be the first port of call). It's not normal and is massively affecting your life. The family stuff can come later.

I imagine your sister was worried sick. She knew enough of story to know you were struggling getting on plane and then you lied about staying in stop over country. That’s not normal to decide on a whim. Without knowing the countries she could have safety concerns especially as you were travelling as a lone female and unwell. I’d really try and speak to her.

You're clearly unwell and need support, it wasn't a lie but a symptom of your phobia and it can be debilitating so yes your sister is being very unreasonable 💐 try to seek help through therapy and you'll get there xx

Your sister is probably frustrated that she tried to help, and you lied to her. I don’t blame her to be honest. Just back off for a while and don’t do that to her again.

This is what i was going to say. Go to the Dr and get enough Valium to get you on the plane and for the journey. I've done this with severe anxiety for a trip to Indonesia. It works. All this rebooking and cancelling will be fuelling your anxiety.

Give your sister some more time. She's probably highly disappointed that you felt you had to lie to her (what you said is more than a fib imo) although deep down she probably knows that you are being malicious. You were embarrassed and she may be giving you the silent treatment because she doesn't want to get her hopes up that you will be back soon.
Are you making positive attempts to change things like therapy ? Can you pay someone to pick you up ? I realise that the ticket will be expensive but even if you have to bung it on a credit card, it will be a massive weight off your mind.
I hope that you are able to find a solution soon.

That was quite the lie and I can see she may be upset and angry about the whole thing.

you need to get yourself treated. When you’re on the receiving end of someone with severe mental health issues, it is normal to feel angry as well as empathy. I certainly feel that way about my mum who has bipolar because of the impact on me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, it must be really difficult.

I’d be interested to know how exactly you apologised to your sister - from what you said, it sounds like you may have minimised it (am basing that on your references to ‘fibbing’ and sending ‘funny memes’). She’s probably not only upset that you lied but also disappointed as she would have thought that, having made it onto the first plane, your return was imminent.

OP I think your sister is being harsh

But I have travel anxiety and a few years ago, I booked a city break for 3 days.

The night before, I realised I couldn't beat my anxiety to go.

I am tighter than a gnat's arse and lost the money.

To this day, no one knows I didn't go. I ordered souvenirs online from the local museum to give to people. I called my parents just saying I was there. I kept pictures on my phone and showed them to friends.

Hope that makes you feel better. You are not the only one.

lockdown has damaged me in other ways, I really feel for you. other countries scared the bejesus out of me.

Have you got any help for this, OP? Because it is no way to live.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. You fibbed because you panicked, because you have severe anxiety in general, which was exacerbated by a fear of flying. Really surprised some PP's can't see this. I think you need some help though, perhaps some CBT or definitely some beta blockers for making the trip.

I guess your sister was feeling frustrated but I'm sure she'll come round.

I put YABU because you lied and it was stupid thing to lie about. She was probably very worried so was rightly annoyed. She also probably knows that you are frequently lying about your reasons for not leaving your house and has become tired of it. However, your sister is massively overreacting to stretch it on this long. I understand her initial reaction but why not accept your apology. Is she normally such a drama queen?

As pp have said, you didn't 'fib' (a fib is e.g. 'thank you, darling, it's lovely' when your child hands you a present), you lied. And you may well have minimised that in your apology. It's not about your agoraphobia and anixety, it's about the fact that you lied. I don't know whether or not she's reasonable to keep the silent treatment up for this long, it depends on a lot of other factors such as what your relationship has been like before and whether you have a history of lying.

Leave your sister alone until she's ready to contact you, or until you're back in the UK and can clear the air in person. In the meantime, either get some therapy or dose yourself up with valium.

You are not being unreasonable, your sister is. She should be supporting you, not ignoring you and making your mental health worse.
Some people sadly don’t understand mental health problems and refuse to educate themselves on it because it hasn’t happened to them. Your sister sounds like that sort of person. Yes, you shouldn’t have lied to her about getting on the flight, but at the same time it’s forgivable given your problems.
You just need to concentrate on yourself and getting yourself better. I wouldn’t invest too much energy trying to get her to see your point of view. She knows your fears, there is nothing more to tell her other than that.

Please stop worrying about your sister. Use the energy to seek help for your illness instead. Do it before you become an illegal immigrant !
Your sister would be pleased to hear you are doing that. Then when you are better you can properly apologise back in the UK, face to face with a hug. I’m sure she will be gracious enough to resume normal sisterly relations at that point.
good luck OP. This illness must be terrible for you.

YABU. You didn't fib, you outright lied. If my sister went from not being able to leave the house/get on a flight to suddenly stopping over in a foreign country and saying she's staying a while, my stress levels would go through the roof. The amount of worry and stress you've caused her, the emotional energy she's maxed out trying to understand and support you - and you think she's being unreasonable? You need therapy OP and stop agreeing with comments that enable your behaviour.