I pretended something as I was too ashamed, now my sister is giving me the silent treatment

[fraideecat]

I have severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm being treated for it.

I've been pretty much trapped in a country since the beginning of covid and after the travel ban was lifted I have been booking a flight home and then canceling it from the beginning of 2022. The reason being, I can hardly leave the house. Each time I think about going to the airport and getting on the plane, I freeze and I can't do it.

I didn't even tell my family I was trying to come home until August.
So I booked a flight home and had confided in my sister. She is the only one I had told at the time of my real reasons for not returning home after the travel ban ended. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else.

So she had been talking to me trying to convince me it was ok to get on the plane. So time comes to actually get on the plane and travel, I just couldn't do it. I felt so ashamed that I told my sister I had.

I had one stopover so told her I was there staying for awhile.
In the meantime, I had again rebooked the flight hoping I could really get on the plane.

In fb chat it all came out that I had never left the country I'm in. I was crying and all upset and felt so bad and kept apologising.

Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all. It's been over a month. I've apologised multiple times.

So is she being unreasonable to continue to give me the silent treatment for me fibbing about not actually getting on the plane. Yes to BU

Or is she justified to not speak to me anymore because I fibbed about it. No to BU

People moan about the sister not bothering to educate herself on mental illness yet from her perspective:

Her sister took a job in Australia and went there no problem no anxiety no agoraphobia.

Her sister then developed it whilst there and told her a little bit about it.

Her sister then insisted she was well enough to get on a plane and fly to singapore but has now decided to live in singapore for a bit because shes too anxious to go back on a plane to her home but not anxious or agoraphobic enough to suddenly live in a completely foreign country out of the blue.

Since then shes now found out her sister lied to her and hadnt even left Australia like she said she had. She didnt just lie about leaving she lied about setting up a new temporary life in Singapore as well.

She must she confused and hurt by that.

Op, how long does your visa last? Australia is very tough I’m surprised no issues there?

I can understand why you're sister is upset with you. You confided in her what the problem was, probably after months of her speculating on why you simply didn't come home. You let her believe she was helping you by encouraging you to book that flight. You let her believe you'd done it.

My DM had a fear of flying and after years and years of my DF wanting to go on holiday, she finally went to her Dr's. She was prescribed something to completely calm her, she could still function. She did this for several years until she got over her fear. I'm not saying it's that simple for you.
I think you need to explain to the whole family why you can't come home and make it clear that you will do it in your own time. It's only natural that they will want to help by encouraging you, so ask them not to.
If you want to come home badly enough, you will find a way, find the help you need.

The thing is, mental health issues or not, you can't just repeatedly lie to someone and then expect them to just get over it when you decide to come clean.

I have diagnosed MH issues myself and they're not a reason to lie to people, and the fact that OP has agoraphobia won't make the lie any less real and painful for her sister.

I feel for you, OP. But there are important things that you're clearly not telling us which makes it difficult for us to respond fairly.

In your OP you say that when the time came to go to the airport you just couldn't do it (implied ie due to agoraphobia). Further down the thread you say that you were ready to go but your meds made you fall asleep so you didn't hear the taxi.

In your OP you say that out of your family only your sister knows about your agoraphobia. Later in the thread you say your other family were teasing you because you didn't make it home when you said you would. Why do they think you're delayed in Australia for so long? Are they not concerned? If you genuinely want to go home, can the British Embassy not agree to escort you to the airport, after all you are a British citizen and you are disabled. The Embasst WILL take responsibility for getting a sick citizen back home, if they're stuck in another country due to sickness. Agoraphobia is a mental sickness.

If your work has finished how are you affording to continue living in Oz? Is there something else that is keeping you there other than your agoraphobia? If your medication causes you to pass out then why are you taking it, as it clearly isn't safe? Is there some other substance also at play? Does your sister know something about th situation that you haven't communicated to us and that would make her feel she can't respond to you anymore?

Do you actually want to go home at all?

If you could fill out the holes and the bits that don't add up in your OP, then we might be able to better understand your sister's behaviour.

Without that info, all I can say is that it sounds like a very strange and sad situation. I hope you get resolution soon.

@LadyLapsang

No, all our DC are grown and our parents are deceased.

Fuck that if my sister was that scared I wouldn’t be giving her the silent treatment, I would be concerned and trying to help her get home!
A bit frustrated maybe but not angry.

I hope you make it home soon.

potniatheron you and I have interpreted OP posts very differently.

I doubt anyone from an Embassy would escort in this situation, but even if they did, it would make the anxiety even worse for me.

@potniatheron

I have booked and failed to go the airport 11 times since February. I only told my family about the most recent attempt. They don't know about any of the other attempts.

They all found out when I said I was in Singapore and was supposed to fly onwards in a few days. I fessed up to everyone at the same time.
The rest of my family knew I had anxiety but not to the extreme that I couldn't get to the airport and get on the plane and leave.

They knew I couldn't leave Australia because the borders were closed.

Nobody could come into or out of the country and work still needed to be done so I kept on working. My contract was extended.

The medication is a one off thing where I was to take it before going. I hadn't taken it before. It didn't make me pass out. I just fell asleep.

I hope that answers everything

@EmmaH2022
I truly feel for you and you know I completely get it.
I hope you'll be able to do some of the things you want to do in the future
As difficult as it is, there's always hope.

And no, the Embassy isn't going to come fetch me haha The last thing I'd need is that type of attention. I just want to blend in like everyone else.

Hi @fraideecat when you fessed up to your family, were they very worried?

I thought it was a bit odd that you said they're just teasing you. It doesn't really seem like a teasing matter to me. If my mother was stuck in Australia due to mental illness I'd be out of my mind with worry. I wouldn't be teasing her about it at all.

Do you actually want to go home or are you happier where you are and just feel under pressure to go home so to speak?

Ok fellow vipers. I think I've gotten enough responses to what I was asking. I'm going to bow out now. Appreciate the responses.

I wish I hadn’t sent flowers now. slithers off folornly 😞 🐍 😂

I have booked and failed to go the airport 11 times since February. I only told my family about the most recent attempt. They don't know about any of the other attempts.

Who has paid for these 11 missed or cancelled flights? Is it a super flexible fare that you can keep re-arranging?

If you have had to pay each time, wouldn't it have been cheaper to pay for someone's passports and flights to come to you and help you leave?

Oh and - you may need a change in career if things don't improve!

Huh? No one was rude to you?

are you booking flexible tickets to give yourself the flexibility to not go? Would booking a non flexible non refundable give you more drive to get it sorted if you knew it would cost a lot not to?

is there any part of you just wants to stays? How long have you booked your accommodation for?

Yes that’s why I thought, unless the op is very wealthy then she’s booking flexible tickets to enable her to do this

I have some more sympathy for your sister. I wonder how much she’s been struggling. Your posts seem very focused on your own situation, and seem rather dismissive and negative about her troubles. For example you criticise her for hoarding and describe her as a drama queen. Does that not suggest that things are not ok for her right now and your lies after supporting you and keeping your secret for a long time could have tipped her over the edge? I would be worried about her, not angry. The silence could be her withdrawing which is a classic reaction to anxiety and depression. Perhaps she’s just not ready to say anything because she’s not sure how to react to what you did. I think you need to consider the impact your actions have had on her more than you have. I also wonder what her thread would say if she posted here. Think about it from her perspective, and I think you will see it very differently to being a “fib”.

11 flights from Australia to the UK! You must have lost a fortune.

Not if you book fully flexible /refundable, doesn’t cost you a penny,

Flowers for you.

Give your sister some time to get over it.

It was a terrible lie but understandable given the situation.

I'm sorry your anxiety is so bad and debilitating.

This whole thing smells like clickbait to me 🧐

Your sister is embarrassed, you have put her in the awkward position where she is trying to be discrete about your mental health issues while also being the person telling your family that you are on the plane and heading home. She probably has everyone who was planning to see you calling her about your plans, maybe confirming things with them and she will then have had to tell them that you didn't get on the plane, she thought you had but it turns out you didn't. They will be asking why and wanting answers from her.

She might speak to you once you are here, she just can't face speaking to you about your travel arrangements, she won't want to be dragged in again.

You have reasons for lying, but they are explanations really and you are making them sound like excuses. Have all your apologies been along the lines of "I'm sorry but I was embarrassed..." or have you acknowledged that she will be disappointed not to see you, angry you lied, worried you are not coping and that your behaviour has affected her.

Stop booking flights, you can't overcome agoraphobia by just signing up to the most extreme thing you could do. Start with small goals and professional help. Good luck.

Thank you. 😊

This. You have a condition and are being treated for it. You've apologised several times. She ought to try to understand not give you the cold shoulder.
Let her get on with her resentment. Ignore it and focus on your treatment and ask them to help you with your future journey. Best of luck.