To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

Answered above but I'd add that I think it does demonstrate the instinctive fall back to the patriarchy. I'm not sure if I'd call it misogyny but it definitely is the patriarchy. In the same way that the father's name often comes first in official communication re the child, even if the mother is the one who does all the engagement.

So in my case, I was absolutely aware of it but made the decision anyway, albeit not without some detailed conversations about it.

I am interested in the women who weren't married who did it. I always told DH that if I'd had a baby without being married, that baby would have my name and he agreed. On sort of the same basis - growing up the assumption was that if I got pregnant without being married, I'd be a single mum and that child would have my name. So it seemed obvious to me, even though if I'd got pregnant with DH pre marriage I absolutely would not have been a single mum.

Because I wanted DD to have the same surname as her (half) siblings. I had no doubt she would never question.my relationship to her, but wanted to help the siblings feel more like family.

Because it didn't bother me and it's just a name. It seemed more important to him, even though they are both girls so can't carry on the name anyway 😅

You seem to have decided this thread is about something it’s not and also that you and I disagree about the above. I don’t believe we do.

Why can't they?

Mostly because my name is the name of my ex and I haven't changed it but even if it wasn't my child would still have their dads name because it is very normal in the UK to do so. I have never come across kids having anything other than their fathers name (unless there is a specific reason not to) in real life and only encountered children taking their mothers surname on Mumsnet.

I haven't read all the comment but I did read one that said it is traditional for children of unmarried parents to take the mothers name. Absolute NONSENSE, it absolutely is not.

For me it was mainly that I've always disliked my surname (literally just don't like the sound of it - no issues with family background), so I thought the kids might prefer his. We're not married, no intention to, and wouldn't change my own name (despite not really liking it - it's mine).

My mum kept her name when she married my dad, and all three of us were given my dad's surname but my brother decided to switch to my mum's.

I think also I felt like there could be no disputing the kids were mine - they came out of my body - so giving them his surname gave an indication of that family connection - albeit that proves nothing and could be deemed proprietorial (and obviously biology isn't the be all and end all either, for either parent).

If I'd liked my own surname, though, I might have felt differently 🤔

Several reasons:

1. We had been engaged for 7 years before DS1 came along
2. We were always going to get married at some point, and it was important to me that I had the same name as my children - we eventually got married 4 years later
3. I hated my maiden name, I was constantly having to spell it for people - every time. Cannot under-estimate the frustration of having to spell your name
4. When DH was my then bf and we talked of marriage he was quite open to changing his name to my maiden name, but I was firm that I would be changing my name because of no. 3 above. I have no regrets in giving our children DH's name and taking his name

I think a lot of us have had this exact same experience and thought process. The ‘pushing it’, but DC names being a step too far thing is very familiar to me. I think we thoroughly scandalised some of our relatives.

Anyway, you’re definitely not alone.

I can’t remember who the poster was who asked about reasons for giving the DC the man’s name that weren’t patriarchal, in my opinion. So, unfortunately I can’t tag them. But, this is an example. I think this is just lovely, personally.

Maybe I misunderstand the thread, but then I'm not sure what the purpose is. You asked why people gave DC their father's surname but why are you asking? So you can tsk at people for not doing the right thing, or so you can gain greater understanding of why they do it?

I've shared my experience because I'm pointing out that what might seem like a simple choice can be much more complex in real life, and also it might be trivial compared to other things going on.

And also that having a name that is routinely made fun of and wanting to spare your kid that is a perfectly valid reason ;-)

It will be very interesting to see how trends on this change over time and if it becomes more usual for children to be given the mother's name.

France:
My kids are in their 30s and the law has changed since they were born:

Actually, I had always intended to keep my own name, but when you live in France it's automatic! You don't lose it when you get married; Many women choose to be known as Mme Hisname, but on legal documents even on identity cards it says Mme Hername, épouse Hisname:
And because of this, there's no "keeping his name when you get divorced": he actually has to give his permission for that to happen, otherwise it's automatically back to your own name:

And none of this Hisname for boys and Hername for girls: all the children born of the same two parents have to have exactly the same surname, so the choice you make when the first is born dictates what the rest of their siblings will be called:

These days you can choose to give your kids Hisname, Hername or double barrel them (without hyphens, in either order):
What you cannot do is pick an entirely new name and say "we are going to be the family Lavende: M, Mme and three kids all called Lavende:":
The name you get from your parents is the one you will have to use your whole life (unless you do a very complicated and costly court procedure: it happened to someone I knew whose husband was not the father of her kid: after the divorce she had another whole lot of legal procedings to undertake to change the kid's name to that of the new husband -who was also the genetic father):

Unmarried parents
If the parents agree whose name the child will have and make a joint declaration then the possibilities are the same as for a married couple, but if the mother registers the birth and the father only does the paperwork afterwards, then the child will have the mother's name:
If the parents are not married there is a procedure (this is France - they are world champions of paperwork) whereby the father can recognise his offspring by making a declaration even before the birth.......... and if I understand things correctly
www.demarches.interieur.gouv.fr/particuliers/choix-nom-famille-enfant-pere-mere

if the parents don't agree and are concerned that the other may try to give their name to the child by making an anticipatory declaration, one or both can lodge an official objection and then the "registrar" will give the child both parents' names in alphabetical order

If you actually wanted to know what I was asking and why, you’d read my comments. You certainly don’t have to, but if you can’t be bothered to do that, there’s no point to this conversation.

This is all so interesting! I had no idea. Thanks for sharing.

I changed my name on marriage because we had already discussed having children and I wanted to have the same name as them. The idea that we could be married and give the DC my name, or that DH could change is name to mine, didn't even occur to me. It annoys me now that I didn't even think to challenge any of this. However, I also struggle with the idea of giving my DC a name that has been passed on from my male ancestors for generations- it is my name but the history of it ignores all the mothers. If I had my time to come again I would like to choose a new name for all of us.

I have quite a few friends who have decided that marriage is not for them, but have children and a male partner. All of them have given the DC their partner's name. Reasons officially given are always along the lines of liked the name better, it was important to him but she didn't feel as strongly, nice to have a link to his family history etc etc. From more personal discussions it seems that often a big part of the thinking is actually that they have already caused a 'fuss' by not getting married so they feel that giving the DC their Dad's name appeases the extended family and seems more acceptable to wider society.

Because he has a more interesting/unusual last name. Mine is incredibly common and late in the alphabet - I grew up being called last and being missed off the ends of lists. The name also flowed much better with DH's surname. DS has a forename we both chose, my dad's name as his middle name, and DH's surname, so he has one name from each side of the family and one that's uniquely his own.

Ok. I’m tired of your patronising, superiority complex bullshit now.

Over and out!

Nobody makes you keep coming back. You can just stop doing so. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Coming back to specifically tell me you’re flouncing is pretty special, though. Thanks for that.

I said that, and it definitely is. I have had "jokes" from all quarters about my surname all my life and was pleased not to have to saddle my kids with it. I did think it through and came to the conclusion that I couldn't do that to them on a matter of my principles (instinct wojld havebeen to give them my name I guess) I do think though that, since I have my father's surname, then either way they'd have a man's name wouldn't they?! (and my dad is fine btw!). All their given names are from my side and go back longer than both possible surnames anyway and are far more meaningful to me. I take your point about tradition and I suppose there was an element of it being easier (DP didn't care either way though). I think it essentially boils down to me not really thinking that it's of that much importance.

I always find this the most bizarre decision any woman makes, and I put it down to their lack of esteem in a desperate act to make the father think they're a family. We all know that relationships end, and a high percentage of children remain with their mum. So there are millions of women mothering children with a different second name to them, a lovely reminder of the man who abandoned them (possibly). In my family my grandchildren all took their mother's name, and had any of my sons suggested otherwise I would have been ready for them! My sons regularly get called by their children's names, they don't care and the children think it's hilarious.

I kept my name, DD has her father's last name. We're married and I was fine with her having his surname since I got to choose the first name (I'm not British). Both of our cultures are now reflected in DD's names and it feels right.

Do you have male relatives with that last name? If so, have they kept it or changed it?

Impure surnames would have sounded ridiculous double barrelled so I have all the kids their father's surname 🤷‍♀️
They know I'm mum so I can't see a problem.