What does depression feel like when you’re in the thick of it?

[Mummysgogetter]

Just posting here for the traffic. Wondering what peoples experiences are when they’re at their lowest low? I’m asking because I’m going through something now and I’m doubting whether it is depression or whether I need to get my act together lol

What helped you with this

I haven't read all the posts, but the most surprising thing for me was the physical pain that came with depression.

Bone weary. No appetite. Weight dropping off me. Feeling dread at seeing people or leaving the house, so retreating into hour upon hour of TV & books. Overwhelmed by completely normal , tiny tasks like brushing my teeth or washig my hair . Crying all the time. Wanting to go to sleep & never wake up. The numb thing I've had now & again, before the real spiral down. Mild depression, I binge eat. My severe , usual bouts , I can't face eating anything.

Anti depressants. I was on the maximum dose of Fluoxetine for a year or so, taking them for around three years altogether. Gradually came off them last summer. They helped with the very severe depression and anxiety I was suffering from when I started taking them but now I am off them I still feel better than I have ever done. I've always had high levels of anxiety, very low self esteem and confidence and less severe bouts of depression as an adult. The antidepressants let me experience life without the anxiety and depression, this improved my confidence and now I'm off them the anxiety has stayed away (mostly) and the confidence has remained. Antidepressants both saved and changed my life.

Thick fug cloggy nothingness no hope no love no point. When I'm at my worst it's painful physically and mentally and my emotions pack in.

Very difficult to articulate further but when I'm deep in a depression I just know nothing, feel nothing, wish I wasn't here and only sleep relieves.

A feeling that I'm not thinking to my usual capacity, but I can't figure out in what ways it's wrong or how to address it.

Absence of joy or any type of good or glad feelings. Bleak. Lonely. Lost.

Wondering if it's worth driving my car off the road or into a walk at high speed.

Spectrum of feelings that only goes from 'blank' to 'fuck off'.

Doctors use a depression inventory score sheet to diagnose depression and the level of severity. You can download these as an app and fill them out yourself. That’s obviously not a substitute for getting medical advice but I find it helpful to use as an early warning sign if my mood feels like it is dropping so I know when I need to seek help

As a previous poster said, what feels akin to physical pain. Where it hurts to live but my body is ok. I suppose the closest thing would be like constant cringeing - it’s coming from the mind but it affects every breath and my whole body feels flooded with a horrible, unbearable feeling and I just want to scream no no no. Maybe that’s terror/anxiety mixed in with depression, I don’t know. On these days I just need the day to be over and hope the next day will be better.

Another time though it manifested as being unable to perform “me” especially in conversations or being able to talk. It felt like my vocal chords had been cut and I was desperately hoping nobody would notice or try to talk to me. Because if they did they would endlessly absolute notice. All I could do was say sorry.

I was on fluoxetine but only ever at 20mg. So you went to 60mg?

It’s like being dragged down into some void that sucks all positivity away, all happiness, pleasure, desire to do anything, love etc. Everything is too much effort, showering, cooking, cleaning, engaging with people. The desire to stay in bed and do nothing is overwhelming

I also agree with pp that antidepressants are a life saver (literally). I’ve been on them for 2 years despite crippling anxiety and on-off depression since I was about 7-8 years old. It’s the first time in my life I’ve experienced actual happiness.

Which one?

I felt like I’d never be happy again, the things that made me happy no longer did, and I couldn’t see how I’d ever get out of the place I was in. It really did feel hopeless. Now I’m better, when I think back to that period, I feel really frightened. The thought of ever feeling like that again makes me feel sick, I don’t ever want to go back there.

At my lowest I prayed every night to die in my sleep, and my first waking thought, and on a loop throughout the day was 'I wish I was dead.' I didn't feel any joy at all, or even a normal sense of contentment, I just didn't feel anything at all really except despair. I hoarded medication, and researched which drugs, and how many it would take to kill me. I stopped taking my heart medication in the hope I would have a heart attack.

I was quite convinced that my children would be better off with their inheritance rather than their broken useless mother. I don't know why I didn't carry it through, something stopped me.

I gave myself four tasks to complete each day, 1) take my medication, 2)Make the bed 3) Eat breakfast 4) wash and dress. If I achieved all those things then it gave me enough positivity to not die that day. I took it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. A few times, one song of an album at a time.

Slowly, slowly, I came out of it. As I got a bit better I added tasks to my daily lists, take some exercise, do one useful thing, read something.

This started January 2022, and I suppose I felt better about March this year. I'm not completely myself, I'm much better, but its always there in the back of my mind, like a shadow that is just waiting. I have to guard against it. I still do my list, it really helps me.

I felt desperately ill - as though even moving my limbs was more than I could manage. The result of that was that I really felt that I could not go on with life at all. I pleaded with my family to let me go, as another 5 minutes (let alone a day) felt more than I could possibly bear.

It was truly terrifying and I hope never to experience anything like it ever again. It was precipitated by surgery. It went on for months and I still take a small dose of anti-depressant years later. I am too frightened to stop it to be honest.

I am on duloxetine. I also have some nerve pain which it helps with. Some people can use SSRI’s (citilopram, sertraline, fluoxetine) and it helps, but I seem to need an SNRI which balances both seratonin and norepinephrine. Sometimes can take a while to find the right one

Oh - I did not mention the weeping - it just went on and on.

I have paralysing indecision. I can’t get dressed because I can’t decide what to wear. For hours. I can’t go out because I can’t decide to do it. And so on.

I hide in bed a lot because everything else is too hard.

At first I felt so low for a long time and then it got worse I didn't want to do anything I was tired all the time, felt like life wasn't worth living , I was in denial about it being depression I questioned it myself but ignored the signs and tried to snap myself out of it but it got worse , I seen a nurse about my tiredness and she picked up on my symptoms and done a questionnaire and had me booked in to see a doctor and that's when I got the diagnosis even then i refused to believe it because i couldnt see a reason why , i still dont no. Everyone's experiences with depression may be and feel different please talk to a doctor the more you let it take over you the worse it gets and feels (that's in My experience) some days are rough some ok but never truly 100% it's a working progress .

Wanting people there,then as soon as they were, wanting them gone, persistent stomach churning anxiety, literally forgetting the 'right' way to brush my teeth, NEVER sleeping and that horror when daylight came and knowing I had to live through another day, not eating and when I did it was a dry piece of bread because that was all I could stomach. Constant rolling horrific thoughts over and over again. In a way I am glad I can list these as I never want to feel that again and I can say, only for me, that antidepressants saved my life, but in the way sometimes severe depression is, I didn't have the energy to end it all. Now my life is very different and I hope for everyone out there feeling anything like I did that it gets better. It's an awful illness.

For me it’s a mish mash of can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t get up, can’t talk, can’t do literally anything. Then beating myself up mentally for not being able to do any of said things. Also feeling like I will never ever ever be happy again and will feel awful forever more.

For me losing interest in anything, feeling so, so tired, not practicing self care, feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, not being able to look after my children, tearful, angry, self harming, irrational, insomnia, losing perspective, disassociation.

If you're doing therapy this could well be why you are going downhill. People often need meds to cope with therapy.

I don't agree with 'if you don't think you're depressed you've not hit rock bottom. In my experience if you still have insight to think you've hit rock bottom then you're not doing too badly. When you really hit rock bottom, you've lost insight, you don't even think you're depressed, you can't think or concentrate enough for that thought. I just felt each second was painful and unbearable and that death was near. I sometimes thought I was dead.