What does depression feel like when you’re in the thick of it?

[Mummysgogetter]

Just posting here for the traffic. Wondering what peoples experiences are when they’re at their lowest low? I’m asking because I’m going through something now and I’m doubting whether it is depression or whether I need to get my act together lol

Waking up every day with a feeling of dread. Can’t be bothered to do anything, no motivation. No happiness, just hopelessness. Total loss of appetite. Forced food down but gagging with it. Tired and achey all the time.
Many different medications & counselling finally improved the illness.

What caused yours so young @Cm078 ?

This is how I feel but without the loss of appetite

@fleurdelee how did you get over it?

Yea I do this everyday. Wake up with feeling of dread in pit of stomach, feeling tired; shower, try to make myself look decent but feel ugly. Drive to work (1/2 hour drive) with thoughts/worries/ruminations going round and round in my head. Get to work - seriously CBA - watch the clock to come home , then feel sad and hopeless all the way home

Emptiness. Feeling completely numb and empty.

@Dreamingcats what do you think brought yours on if you don’t mind me asking? How did you get over it?

I can't really describe it to be honest. I didn't feel like myself and each second felt like I was fighting to keep going and it felt like time was simultaneously standing still and moving too quickly for me to function. Out of breath and ache and all I could feel was pain. I can't really describe it.

I’m 44 @FamilyTreeBuilder . Since 2020 I started with shorter cycles, bleeding between periods and insomnia. I was put on Amitriptyline for the insomnia and the doctors did blood tests to check my FSH levels but said I’m not perimenopausal because my levels are normal, so basically I got no help.

@Mummysgogetter Im not too sure. I think it was a mixture of childhood and an abusive relationship. I just wasn't happy in life at all, i withdrew from everything and everyone. Going to work kept me going.
I have been off anti depressants about 4 years now, i was certain I'd have pnd when i had my baby but i didn't, was very lucky
I still go through phases of feeling like I've had enough with life but it passes 😊 still suffer anxiety but im used to that now.

OP, I'd urge you please to seek help, please shout out to someone, anyone, you don't have to feel this way, there will be help/ support out there.

Obviously, I don't know what your going through, and I'm sorry to jump into your post, but last weekend I lost a friend, an ex partner who took his own life. He's had his demons for a long time, and clearly felt like there was no way out, but the pain and heart ache that is left behind is so painful for us all. He was so loved, by so many people, and the void that's been left in our lives is heartbreaking.

The first step can be hard, but please try x

For me depression is kind of an empty hopeless feeling. Losing interest in things that normally interest me. Feeling numb. Regretful feelings looking at my past and fear and dread when looking at the future. It helps to try to focus more on the present moment but that’s difficult. It’s a very dark and lonely place. Sorry your going through this OP 💐, I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy…

I don't suffer depression as in the first symptom.

The depression hits when the symptoms (intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviour) of ocd get the better of me.

I can't eat nor sleep, I feel things (as in touching me/crawling in my skin) that aren't there. I can't leave my house unless to places I deem safe.

At this point I have to be medicated. If I leave it too long, I feel that dying is preferable to living as I am. I become withdrawn from life, no energy and eventually no feeling.

Please see your gp asap. Also consider talking therapies. A lot of places you can self refer for this now.

Also consider speaking to your nearest and dearest. I couldn't verbalise how I felt so I used someone else's experience on the mind website to relay to my husband how I felt. I got him to read it and told him I could've written it as it was so similar to how I felt.

Sending you strength and please know, you aren't alone.

For me, constant fantasising about suicide & how I'll do it, feeling numb, no interest in anything, always one step away from tears - as in, you can feel them behind your eyes, all day every day.

The first thing you do when you wake up every morning is burst into tears that you're still here.
Not caring about anything. Struggling to force a smile and I do mean struggling.

I hate slang terms but one I do relate to is being "in a dark place" it's just so accurate. That feeling of helplessness. You genuinely believe there's no way forward whatsoever. Like you're underwater, but fully believing, knowing that you'll never, ever reach the surface no matter what you do or how hard you try.

Most of all though, it's an overwhelming (and I mean that literally) feeling of loneliness. Even when you're not alone.
Feeling unable to get out of bed, unable to interact with anyone. A self hatred so deep that hearing your own voice or even just your own inner monologue, sickens you. A self hatred that makes you truly, truly, wholeheartedly believe that every single person you know DESPISES^^ you, even your closest family & your friends.

You know when you have an interview or presentation or something that you’re dreading, you have that sick feeling of dread in your stomach. I had that and didn’t know why. Then realised the thing I was dreading was the rest of my life.

I broke down at work in front of my boss and described it that way. I started anti depressants shortly afterwards and they turned things around within a couple of weeks.

I could never see the point of medicating your feelings previously - I always thought that if my depression was because of a legitimate reason not from a chemical imbalance, then meds wouldn’t work. However, my broken heart has healed, I’m still in the same position in every other way, but I feel happy and hopeful, not full of dread and despair.

For anyone here considering meds. (Or if you've tried them and
not felt relief yet) please do try it or try a different type, and keep trying until you feel better.

You deserve a happy life and you only get one shot at this. Having lost many loved ones too soon, it has made me feel more positive about living. It’s not weakness or a crutch or pathologising your lived experiences or any of the other bullshit I felt before I tried ADs. They are literally as life saving as Chemo or insulin.

I totally relate to the feeling that tears were always at the back of my eyes. I was one kind word away from tears ALL the time.

Numb with bouts of crying. Just very flat, very sad, saw no point in anything. Desperate to get away from husband and kids - constantly having a bath or going to bed early to get away. Bursting into uncontrollable tears for no reason regularly (when alone).

I don't think it's true that if you're questioning it, you're not depressed. Everyone has a different 'in the thick of it'. Some people are more introspective and self critical and likely have self talk that tells them they are making a fuss about nothing. Other people lack that ability entirely and fully inhabit their bad feelings in a way that means they can't regulate their behaviour in response. Both could feel as bad as each other and it would look different.

For me after over a year of intermittent awful depression (every other week/fortnight) stopping hormonal medication stopped it. Now I feel this way 2 - 3 days a month just before my period, which is much more manageable. And less scary because I understand it. So I wouldn't underestimate menopausal stuff. I'm sure I've heard the blood tests aren't necessarily accurate/meaningful in the early stages, though I might be wrong. Given how everyone has a slightly different hormonal profile that makes sense though. Your results could be 'within normal range' but not be normal for you and no one would know as most of us don't know our baseline anything.

I’ve bookmarked this @SteveHarringtonsChestHair because this is exactly how I feel - such dread for the future.

I am definitely going to consider meds. Already have counselling but had blood tests today and going to see if I’m deficient in anything and take it from there

For me, there was no joy in anything.
I didn’t want to see anybody, struggled to get up for work, cried every day and frequently on the way to work, I fantasised about crashing the car so I didn’t have to work as I didn’t want to be around people and dealing with customers.
I had counselling, got medication and changed jobs and although I have a lot of down days (due to chronic illness), things are a lot brighter now.

Id speak to your GP or local clinic.

I’m glad it’s been in some way helpful OP 💐

Blood tests are a good idea. Plenty of physical causes for depression too, including thyroid issues and B12 deficiency, which can make me feel anxious and wake up in a panic. Best to rule those out first. But if there’s nothing physical that’s obviously causing this, don’t be scared of ADs.

Honestly, I tried ADs about 20 years ago and came out in a rash. I avoided them then for the next two decades and when one of my DCs tried them I was very anti. He had very good reasons to be depressed, as his work/friend situation was thrown into chaos, so while I supported him, I didn’t think it was necessary to take ADs. But they helped him get over the hump and he weaned off them slowly a few months later.

When my life turned upside down earlier this year I knew I had to do something and I’m so glad I did. It’s a low dose of Citalopram, with no noticeable side effects (maybe slightly less intense orgasms - but I can live with that as I’m single!) so I would 100% recommend giving it a go.

Also what age are you? Could it be perimenopause as I’m sure that played a part in my troubles.

Life becomes overwhelming. Please speak to your GP.

Like life is thick mud. There is also a physical sensation of heaviness inside my head when I'm at my worst.

Like you can't believe you have XX more years of life to get through, it all feels too tough and pointless. You just want to sleep and wake up when the cloud has gone but it doesn't feel like it will ever go.

It can. It did for me

I didn't realise at the time, but it was largely due to the relationship I was in. He kept me dangling for years for a proposal, and "jokingly" put me down a lot. I was crazy about him. The depression didn't start until after we were engaged though, so I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy when I finally had what I thought I wanted.

The break up was brutal and damaging - I was even more depressed then, but at least there was a clear reason for it.

I forced myself to write down good things that happened and things to be grateful for every day. Sometimes they were tiny things but it did help. Talking to a few friends who understood. The biggest thing was resuming a hobby I absolutely loved, which surrounded me with new friends who proved to me that I wasn't unlikeable (I'd done the hobby before, but given it up to spend more time with my ex).

I did go to a doctor but unfortunately didn't have a good experience (very unsympathetic indeed).

It took about two years to feel better.

It felt like nothing. Nothing got in, nothing got out. Horrible black Limbo of nothing. No thoughts planning anything, no thinking of happy memories, no looking forward to anything. The absence of any feelings, and joy, it's soul destroying. I had PND. I still feel guilty looking back, my poor children.