What does depression feel like when you’re in the thick of it?

[Mummysgogetter]

Just posting here for the traffic. Wondering what peoples experiences are when they’re at their lowest low? I’m asking because I’m going through something now and I’m doubting whether it is depression or whether I need to get my act together lol

I couldn't really do much. Moved from bed to sofa and back
It was during lockdown

Ate crap food.
Watched shit telly to escape

Left dh to do all the house work home schooling everthing
I could really function

Please excuse me butting in. I noticed suicidal ideation mentioned by a couple of you. i have that and have done for 6 years or more. there are variuos levels of which I am usually level 1 (passive) so not wanting to die, just not bothered about being alive. it comes and goes. Then there are increased levels (up to a 6) where it changes to active suicidal ideation where you might plan an act that would result in dying. I have got to this level a few times but, perhaps weirdly I have 2 'rules' that it must be painless (instantaneous) and that no one else must be inconvenienced. As I live in France I have further determined that death must not be in France (although I am not French) as it would be disrespectful.
I now realise that I have not done anything useful apart from eating and sleeping for about 4 days now but looking at the internet (MN and stuff on youtube).
I am pretty sure I know why I feel as I do (multiple smallish factors) but a doctor can't really prescribe anything that would be a long lasting 'repair'. I hope I haven't offended or upset anyone. I have found TEDX talks on youtube to be pretty interesting and suggest people look out for them as there are many from around the world who have experienced similar issues. I also have some traits of Aspergers although that in itself is not really related to depression or suicidal ideation. I hope you others can find some respite soon.

Being tired , dog tired.

Avoiding people. Over eating.
Not washing,
Not doing house work
Snappy and irritable
Wanting to be alon, not being able to make decisions
Wanting to hide under my duvet

For me it has been irritability. And extreme CBA. But always managed to get up/go to work/put on a brave face. So you don’t have to be at ‘rock bottom’ for it to be depression.

Every night when I went to bed, I hoped I just would die in my sleep.
Then I would wake up and often already be crying from my dreams.
I felt like no one liked me and I didn't truly matter to anyone. So I acted quite paranoid because I didn't trust people who were being nice to me.
I felt guilty because my life was technically pretty good so I had nothing to be sad about right?
I couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again.

It was the worst time of my life.

I woke up every morning praying that day would be the day I got hit by a bus. I was miserable, scared and overwhelmed with helplessness. Would ‘watch’ the same tv series on repeat but not actually take any of it in. Sleeping pattern was all over the place, lost lots of weight and had little interest in food but drank lots and lots of coffee or tea. Isolated myself from my friends/family and barely left my bedroom. I would push myself to the limit with drink and drugs because I didn’t care if I died, secretly hoping that I would. I eventually managed to pull myself out of this hole with lots of therapy and medication, which I still rely on now.
definitely speak to someone OP as being depressed is no way to live

Crying all the time, feeling guilty, ruminating and reliving past events and regretting things that hadn't gone well, beating myself up mentally, terribly low self-esteem, cutting people off, not wanting to see or speak to anyone, mood swings. Operate on autopilot day in day out. It's miserable

I felt a void. Like nothing would ever get better and I would always feel hopless and empty. That was very painful and it makes me feel a different kind of sadness now thinking about it. I didn't see the point in anything. Why clean my teeth or brush my hair when I will have to do it again tomorrow and the day after. One day cycling to work a bus came very close to hitting me and I remember thinking well if it had hit me that would have solved things.
Life felt meaningless and endless. I've had several periods of depression but thankfully have been OK since about 2016 for which I am so grateful. Please do talk to your GP or seek support, it's no way to live and you are worth so much more

A big, black pit. Somewhere the rest of the world is going on, but you can't get to it or climb out of this massive deep hole. It's easier just to give in, sit down and do nothing while the darkness covers you. That's what it feels like to me.

PS. Go and see your doctor and get help. Medication hasn't cured it for me, but it helps me to keep the very worst at bay.

How old are you, @Mummysgogetter ? Because I was JUST LIKE YOU before I put two and two together and realised it was the menopause. That knot of fear in your stomach when you wake up, not getting joy from anything, unable to concentrate on anything more taxing than "say yes to the dress". No interest in doing anything or going anywhere.

Now it might not be menopause. But if you're in your 40s, please do some reading about it. If it's not menopause, then anti depressants will probably help. If it's hormonal, they won't. Wish I'd joined the dots a few years before about the menopause as it would have saved so much pain not just for me but for my loved ones too.

Depends how bad it is for me
Bad was sitting on the floor and wondering how I could get up and live. I couldn't see how to do it (had been forced to terminate a pregnancy)

Then another time I was washing my hands and had an intrusive thought (I won't say what it was) but knew it wasn't right. Walked to the doctors and they found a doctor for me to see straight away
I take 20mg citalopram and can't see me ever coming off it, just feel like my brain doesn't work like other peoples

Bad is I can't get up off the floor to exercise and all I can do is sleep to avoid emotions, when I can then exercise is a massive help to me but it's forcing myself to do it

Excessive sleep, spending several days in bed. Feeling utterly useless on this planet. Casual impulsive suicidal thoughts - usually thinking about walking into traffic. Crying often at how disappointing I am. No appetite at all, and only eating junk food when I do need food. Lack of hygiene, I tend to forget to brush my teeth or bother to wash/brush my hair. Isolation, not contacting or replying to friends/family for weeks. Skin picking/scratching till I bleed. Unable to breath properly, like my chest is heavy so I have to gulp air down. Externally I doubt anyone would have a clue!

I basically wind down into the lowest possible form of human, as if my batteries are on the verge of running out for weeks. I would say I’ve had bouts of depression from 14 onwards (I’m 35) I’ve never sought help after finding various GPs useless for physical illness, let alone mental.
Depression runs in my family and my sister has been on SSRIs for years. My family also have a history working in mental health, so I’ve heard terrible stories which make me very much downplay my own ‘waves’ as trivial.

As I’ve gotten older I’m better at spotting the early warning signs and putting in strategies to avoid declining but I would always recommend seeking help.

Me too. Like I was emotionally poisoned, toxic waste.

Like you want to just die.
Like you think the world would be better without you.
Like you don't know what the point of life is and why you're here.

Like you just feel empty and hollow and nothing can make you feel better.

Life feels black, and you can't see nothing good happening in your life.

Like you can't relate to people, and you just want to scream at them.

You look at people just living their lives, getting married, having children, and you think 'why is my life not like that?' How to they deserve to be happy and I'm not?' What have I done to deserve this?'

That's how it feels like for me anyway 💔

*do

@CityKity Excessive sleep for me too. Sometimes I thought of just falling asleep and never waking up.

Like having the butterflies but the wrong type, and clinging for hope to pull through, and feeling like your mind is fractured and your thought s are disjointed, and you feel weak, and when listening to music, it feels emotionally raw, and able to trigger various emotions.

Yes as pp said, not washing or changing out of pjs for days on end.
Not brushing teeth or hair.
Sleeping a lot. Going from bed to sofa to bed on repeat over and over.
Not leaving the house and definitely a yes to not contacting anyone, equalled to no one contacting me.
No texts, calls or messages from a single person for up to weeks at a time.
Zero interest in SM (I’m not a fan of SM to start with) or in the news.

For me, I didn't feel anything. Literally nothing. No anger, sadness, hope. Just going through the motions in order to go to sleep the following night. Which I then couldn't do because of my depression created insomnia.

I can mask pretty well, so literally nobody other than my husband and mother (who I can't/don't mask infront of) knew. My work were very shocked when I eventually told them.

I forgot to add, you don't care about anything so personal and household hygiene goes out the window. Eating becomes basic and socialising becomes unneeded.

I cocoon and end up siting staring at a wall for days on end.

I used to feel like I couldn't move very fast. Like going through treacle and things were slowed down. Lots of crying, at all times of day and night. Weight loss. Considering thoughts of suicide (doesn't mean you'll do it, just that the thoughts creep in), waking up very early in a morning, withdrawal from people, waking up in fear of how bad I'd feel later in the day.

Exercise helped more than anything and I thankfully haven't felt like the above for over 10 years!

Different for everyone - don’t assume you don’t have it if you’re functioning and not lying in bed in floods of tears all day.

Mine was moderate PND. I could function, be “on” with DS, got out of the house every day and was dressed/busy.

But I was constantly on the brink of tears, hated DH, very irritable, having intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation, felt I’d ruined my life- and, at it’s worst, in a pit of despair that I could see now way out from.

Work paid for me to go to a psychiatrist privately - I got diagnosed, prescribed sertraline and had 10 weeks of CBT. I’ve just been discharged and finally feel like I’m almost back to being me again. Much happier.

A lot of depression is environmental - I hated our old area and renting. We were able to move to a nice area and buy a year ago- that helped my mental health a lot.

Yes @Mummysgogetter this is exactly how depression feels for me. Spending days WFH just staring at the computer screen, not actually doing anything. Being so tired I literally had to crawl up the stairs. When I started on anti depressants the world/ colours actually looked brighter.

Different for everyone - don’t assume you don’t have it if you’re functioning and not lying in bed in floods of tears all day.

Mine was moderate PND. I could function, be “on” with DS, got out of the house every day and was dressed/busy.

I just wanted to highlight this. I always thought to be depressed you just stop functioning altogether and could not work, get out of bed etc. I could do a full face of makeup and put on a nice outfit and smile/laugh when required in public but would still have intrusive thoughts and felt completely disconnected from everyone.