What does depression feel like when you’re in the thick of it?

[Mummysgogetter]

Just posting here for the traffic. Wondering what peoples experiences are when they’re at their lowest low? I’m asking because I’m going through something now and I’m doubting whether it is depression or whether I need to get my act together lol

Ive hit 2 very low points in my life, rock bottom? Maybe, who knows. First time i just didnt want to be, i wasnt suicidal, i didnt want to die, but i didnt want to be me in that moment, in that place at that time. There was no where i wanted to be either, no one id rather be or anyone id rather be with. I was very snappy, tired, explosive even. Second time i was suicidal, id fantasise about driving my car into a bollard, or veering over to the other side of the road and hitting oncoming traffic head on. In these moments i knew this feeling was only temporary- although i didnt believe it and couldnt see another way out of my thoughts. The only thing that stopped me was my kids. Not that they'd be worse of without me but i didnt want them to grow up feeling like they wernt worth sticking around for. And that thought alone kept me going.

Even if its not depression you are experiencing, you may find great relief in speaking with your gp and getting advice. Good luck op.

forgot the other one - I can’t concentrate at all on anything so I can’t even escape into a book or anything.

I have an appointment for blood tests tomorrow to see if I’m deficient in anything. I am currently having counselling and I try to write down all that I’m feeling before sessions, but it just feels so jumbled up in my head that an hour once a week is not enough.

@Mummysgogetter a combination of: medication - SNRIs (not SSRIs) and some Valium to get me over the initial crisis while they kicked in, trauma focused therapy - I am still in this, it's been life changing, and much better self care...all the boring sensible things like sleeping, getting outside, giving up alcohol, moderate exercise, mindfulness (not as regular as I would like). Not all at the same time...it's been a very gradual process but I am now better than I've ever been

Numb, no interest in anything, suicidal ideation, like a zombie. Feeling empty and bleak.

I also stop talking completely. I went a few weeks without saying a word.
I stopped eating for up to 5 days at a time.

spent long periods of time just staring at the ground. Like nothing was in my head.

No one noticed.

You definitely need to speak to a doctor OP. You're having counselling, which is good, but it sounds like you need some more help. Whether that's medication or something else, would be for you and a doctor to decide.

Numb and utterly hopeless.
I appear calm and chilled because I am so apathetic.
I have only been depressed once and it was unlike anything I’ve felt before. It had a definite trigger and I am only just coming out of it.

I think it's different for everyone. Churchill and others have described it as a Black Dog but to me that's a positive thing (clue is in my username).

For me it's like being in a trench and you just keep plodding on with no way out, or it can be like being on a narrow path with a sheer cliff on one side and a sheer drop on the other, Anti depressants give me enough of a lift up that I can see over the parapet,cliff edge and be able to see a way out of the situation.

Hope this helps.

I have suffered from varying degrees of depression and anxiety since approx 17 years old - I'm 59 now.

Was at its worst about 14 years ago - I felt like I was in a back void with dread and feelings of panic and anxiety which added to my OCD making life a nightmare for me and my family.

Was given escitalopram (with Xanax initially to help me through the worst of it).

Took about 2 or 3 months to feel almost normal.

I still take the escitalopram as my conditions are just below the surface and it keeps a lid on them (mostly).

Last time the anxiety ramped up Doc gave me lorazapam for a couple of weeks.

Hope you get the help you need OP 💗

For me, it’s like I’m in a different dimension. I lose interest in things that I usually find joy in and also don’t sleep well and eat very little. Sertaline has been the answer for me although everyone’s different.

It's like being all alone in a dark room. You can force your minds eye to play a picture of you being happy, but you can't really imagine it. In the midst of it I don't feel the same, if any, connection to anyone around me.

wholeheartedly agree @XenoBitch

Just like you can't be bothered to breathe anymore. But yet somehow you still do.

Feeling on the verge of tears the whole time because your chest is so tight all the fucking time, but you can't even cry, because what's the point.

When you smile, but on the inside you literally feel like you are withering away and dying, like you are screaming internally but no-one can hear you.

For me, I just want to sleep and I get so tired I could sleep for days and feel so heavy even just to turn to roll over. Have no emotion at all and literally feel numb even towards those I love. Don’t want to see or speak to anyone. Luckily I only suffer with bouts and am able to manage it mostly via antidepressants

I just felt so very ILL - every moment was utter misery - I just wanted it all to end and pleaded with my family to "let me go." It is impossible to describe - I was not sad or anxious - I just felt bloody ill. It is my worst nightmare that this might happen again.

Like there's constantly a dementor by my side.

Nothing brings enjoyment, everything feels like so. Much. Effort. Small easy tasks feel like completing a trek. That constant fed up feeling. Suicidal ideation. An all consuming feeling of cba. Leaving everything not done because there's no motivation to do anything. No energy. Swinging between sleeping too much and not being able to sleep at all.

My absolute worst I couldn't even get out of bed to feed my kid. It was a week of takeaways for every meal for her which my daughter collected from the door before I went into the psychiatric hospital.

• No energy to do the basics e.g get up, tidy, shower
• No real feeling of joy or happiness and just an empty feeling
• Not feeling suicidal, but simply not caring if you were to live or die

For me depression isn’t a state of being at your lowest but it’s more a feeling of simply existing in nothingness. Everything moves around you but it all seems to pass you by.

To answer your question I had 10mg (lowest dose) citalopram for 7 months. Also tried to exercise, get out in nature and get daylight even in either. This Oli’s seeing friends all helped.

absolutely I could not trust my own judgement, couldn’t concentrate or be organised, struggled immensely to get up in mornings, sometimes vomited in mornings and lost a lot of weight as I had no appetite.

*even in winter

• plus seeing friends

You know when you are putting together flat pack furniture and there are always a couple of screws that won't go in all the way and try as you might they just won't. You end up in tears because you have followed the instructions and taken them out and put them in and taken them out and put them in and you still can't fix it ? that feeling of failure, frustration, inadequacy, 24 hrs a day. Get a bit further down the road and you don't even open the box, next comes not even having the energy to order it in the first place.

It swapped between not caring at all and caring so deeply I felt like my whole world was caving in. So exhausted I could feel it in my bones. I was detached from almost all my relationships, my work.. one of the only sources of comfort was partying. I filled the void with wild nights out, drinking to extremes and casual sex in an attempt to feel anything. It didn’t work and often just left me feeling shame and embarrassment.

I’m ashamed to admit I couldn’t even do basic self care at times. I didn’t pay bills and got into debt. I forgot to eat, couldn’t bathe because I was too tired to leave my bed, didn’t brush my teeth for days because nobody saw me, didn’t brush my hair etc. It just didn’t feel worth it anymore and I felt useless and worthless.

There’s hope at the end of the tunnel. With some therapy, a few runs of anti-depressants and some serious work over the years it feels like a lifetime ago.

For me i felt "nothing" about any one or anything.
I just wanted to sleep forever.
I lost my appetite and turned down any invite to anywhere unless it was to get drunk. I lost a lot of weight.
I was only 23/24 at the time, sad to think of myself like that. 30 now with a lovely son who i adore, wish i could lose weight 😂
Seek help if you're feeling depressed. Helped me massively

For me ( I was 16) and I couldn't see any point in living. I remember my dad driving me somewhere and thinking how if I did in a car crash right now it would end everything and that would be good. I wouldn't have to struggle anymore.

I didn't realise until many years later that I was in deep depression in those years

Looking back I have no idea how no one noticed. I was clearly deeply deeply unhappy with a massive personality change.

To everyone j was just being difficult and "a monster"

I felt like I was already dead & couldn't understand why it wasn't obvious to other people. I mainly slept, didn't wash, ate rubbish food. Thought I would end up homeless but my GP at the time realised before I did & sent me for psychotherapy & put me on fluoxetine. Paula Stanley, you saved my life.

Big thick smoke over every minor transaction of my day as if there's no point in anything.