Feel like I'm worthless to people I thought were friends

[Cheesecakeitalian]

I had a gay male friend for several years that I used to work with (before people complain why am I mentioning his sexuality, it's just to highlight that he's not distant due to feelings or anything like that.)

Anyway i used to see him almost weekly, I've known him for 7 years now. He no longer contacts me first, I really cannot think of any time we fell out or anything I may have said to upset him or anything. Anyway the last 3 times I've tried to arrange stuff (approx once every 3/4 weeks) I've just been met with 'i'm busy that day.' no attempt to rearrange or say that we should meet up soon. I saw him early May and we seemed to get on well.
I've just asked him if he's free over half term and I was met with 'i'm away." That's it. I sent a thumbs up and I don't intend to contact him again. I thought about messaging him to ask if there was something wrong but it will probably come across as too 'needy' or 'petty'.

The others are a group of women I've known since high school. We're all early 30s now and since 18 we've been on various holidays, hen dos, weddings etc. I thought it would be friendships for life but I was naive i guess. Over the last year or so it's clear they couldn't care less.

Most have a mortgage now, 3 have kids, most are married or engaged (I do have a partner) drive and so on and in management careers. I'm doing things at my own pace which is fine. I've wondered sometimes if they no longer regard me at the same level as them as a result.

I have no idea why I even bothered. The issues I've had were with me always having to travel to see them. They don't all live in one area either. I did talk to them about this and they said they'd try to come to my area but never have. I invited them for my birthday at our flat 2 months ago and 2 out of 8 replied saying they were busy. The rest didn't bother.

I've just invited them for a Halloween/housewarming thing and one person out of 8 has replied saying she's busy. It's been a couple of days.
I feel quite humiliated and feel like confronting them, but I've just archived the group.
One of them was in my area the other day too.
I feel like an absolute idiot trying to arrange things and just getting ignored, but I feel like I can't say anything otherwise they'll say I'm 'stroppy' or 'too sensitive'.
We can go months without speaking, they just don't give a stuff.
Luckily I've got my partner, family and one friend who I see once a month.
My partner is very sociable and likeable too. He always invites me out with his friends which I really appreciate and I do go sometimes. He has colleagues or other friends wanting to meet up virtually every week and I feel so inadequate. He does work in a very sociable environment I guess. I got a bit upset to myself yesterday because i feel like such a loser.
I'm shy and quiet and wondered if people find me boring. I do try and share funny things about myself as well as ask questions and be interested in the other person. I'm not a larger than life character or party animal but I still deserve good friends. I treat people kindly.
I've got two meetups next week so I'm hoping that will be the start of something.
Sorry this was so long but I feel utterly depressed.

I would suggest seeking out acquaintances rather than friends, through shared hobbies and interests. Then you'll hopefully build a wider, more diverse circle of contacts with less pressure.

I feel you OP I've got a couple of shit friends myself although i cut one loose recently (same kind of thing as you -not replying for months, having to double txt). I went out for a meal a few months ago with one and I had just split with my bf, a sad song was playing in the restaurant and I started to discreetly cry not drawing attention to myself. She was nice at the time and when we were leaving said she'd txt me later see if I was ok...didn't hear from her for two weeks.

Another one has self confessed that they are shit at replying on WhatsApp, not just to me but to anyone. Anyway I asked a very simple couple of questions on WhatsApp, yes or no kind of thing only to have them read and not replied. I left it a couple of weeks, then messaged and said "you don't want to be friends do you?" (After going through this kind of rigmarole a few times in the past). They said that they'd call me later that evening. That was a week ago.

I've got another who said she would love to meet up when she got back from France which was at the start of September. Come October..nothing. These people are nothing but complete twats and the funny thing is the first two hardly have any friends themselves! Wonder why..🤔

Again, you’re automatically framing this as being ‘ignored’ when they might read it, make a mental note to get back to you and forget. Or they could be incredibly rude and exclusionary. I really don’t know. I do know that having a baby can be all consuming even if you have a husband and family around the corner. I know from personal experience that even sending a single line to decline an invite can be taxing when you are juggling a small child and goodness knows what else.

If they go out with mum friends they might think you’d be bored on a night with with them since you are child free? This is why I have advised finding friends at a different life stage rather than wallowing in misery over this current set.

That’s really sad. If they are your friends they will want to speak to you and you wouldn’t be a burden I’m sure. Unfortunately, most people aren’t mind readers and can only go off the information they have in front of them. If you are not returning calls the logical conclusion is that you don’t want to talk to them. If you give nothing back at all, the friendships will drift and eventually end. If you need support, you need to be more proactive in seeking it. Please reach out to your friends. They will want to help x

OP, either you’ve been remarkably unlucky, or there’s something you’re doing unconsciously that is meaning you’re choosing uncommitted, uninterested friends who fundamentally don’t appear to like or value you that much.

You don’t mention whether you actually like, or have ever liked, any of these people?

I don’t have friends, I have acquaintances I see to have a nice morning with: a coffee, a walk. I don’t expect any intimate details of their private life and I’m not about to divulge anything intimate either…they are just people to have a pleasant chat with. I have a school aged child and we often talk about school related gossip but also politics and stuff happening in the local area….

I used to have friends I invested a huge amount of time in: listened to their troubles endlessly. I was basically a therapist. Then when the tables turned and I needed support none of them were there for me so I don’t seek friendship anymore. I’m far happier with acquaintances.

I would find people to hang out with with similar interests and keep the conversation focussed on the interest.

It seems such a common theme on here that people feel they have given support to their friends, been a listening ear and tried to help only for when they have their own need for that to be returned, be it they are going through a relationship breakdown, illness or bereavement, or just to have a listening and supportive ear, the 'friend' does a disappearing act or makes the other person feel bad for expecting some support in return.

I don't know why this seems so common - the phrase 'you find out who your friend are in a crisis' has never been so apt.

Like the poster above, with the exception of a very few friends from younger years who have not deserted me I am loath to expect too much from people. I think I'll be keeping my expectations low in future and pay a counseller to speak to if I need any emotional support.

I echo the two posters above. I wasted so much time and effort trying to make mum friends, for want of a better description, when I moved to a new town a few years ago. I can't get that time back but I can decide not to do that again and focus on me and my family. I am happy to be happy with fun moments when you have a nice chat when you bump into someone etc and leave it at that. Not worth tying yourself in knots for.

Some people just don’t have any qualms about dropping people they feel they’ve “moved on” from or whose friendship is no longer of value to them even though that person has done nothing to upset them. It’s depressing, I have experienced it too.

Interesting replies.

I've noticed a growing trend for people not to respond to whatsapp messages, maybe the whole world is getting sick of whatsapp groups and politics. I also think there is a growing suspicion about web scraping and messages being connected to facebook and advertising and all of that stuff going on in the background. Some people are just opting out, quiet quitting friendships. It's not nice, but its happening everywhere.

Also the people who only want endlessly happy go lucky friends, or people who bring lightness and joy to the conversation all the time(!!), are these people brainwashed into toxic positivity and unable to communicate honestly..... i dunno.....but there can be mindsets, that can get very regimented. Like the illiberal liberals, or the mind control positivity brigade, i find them draining, you can't fathom them all out. Most of the nonsense is just that, a passing nonsense. It is illogical, it just doesn't make sense. Sometimes, some people want to be the only princess in the castle, you/me/anyone might be changing the dynamic of the group or fitting into a role that is already taken. Friendship circles can be very immature and false, they can also get toxic over time or simple fizzle.

I genuinely think it is more difficult to maintain friendships as you get older, and I think the advice to cultivate more acquaintances type friends, lunch or coffee companions is better than wondering why a certain group isn't bothering.

Yes it’s very true that friendship groups can have “roles” - the single one, the married one the fat one, the career woman - and if someone changes their designated role by losing weight, meeting someone getting divorced or whatever it can disrupt the whole dynamic of the group.

VERY TRUE! The separation/divorce in particular can upset the apple cart.

OP - don't leave the group, just quiet quit, so you are not labelled as needy or dramatic.

I totally get it OP

I am thinking of trying to find a partner, I love being single but now it's with so few friends, I feel very lost. Can't say I want a partner, just companionship.