Feel like I'm worthless to people I thought were friends

[Cheesecakeitalian]

I had a gay male friend for several years that I used to work with (before people complain why am I mentioning his sexuality, it's just to highlight that he's not distant due to feelings or anything like that.)

Anyway i used to see him almost weekly, I've known him for 7 years now. He no longer contacts me first, I really cannot think of any time we fell out or anything I may have said to upset him or anything. Anyway the last 3 times I've tried to arrange stuff (approx once every 3/4 weeks) I've just been met with 'i'm busy that day.' no attempt to rearrange or say that we should meet up soon. I saw him early May and we seemed to get on well.
I've just asked him if he's free over half term and I was met with 'i'm away." That's it. I sent a thumbs up and I don't intend to contact him again. I thought about messaging him to ask if there was something wrong but it will probably come across as too 'needy' or 'petty'.

The others are a group of women I've known since high school. We're all early 30s now and since 18 we've been on various holidays, hen dos, weddings etc. I thought it would be friendships for life but I was naive i guess. Over the last year or so it's clear they couldn't care less.

Most have a mortgage now, 3 have kids, most are married or engaged (I do have a partner) drive and so on and in management careers. I'm doing things at my own pace which is fine. I've wondered sometimes if they no longer regard me at the same level as them as a result.

I have no idea why I even bothered. The issues I've had were with me always having to travel to see them. They don't all live in one area either. I did talk to them about this and they said they'd try to come to my area but never have. I invited them for my birthday at our flat 2 months ago and 2 out of 8 replied saying they were busy. The rest didn't bother.

I've just invited them for a Halloween/housewarming thing and one person out of 8 has replied saying she's busy. It's been a couple of days.
I feel quite humiliated and feel like confronting them, but I've just archived the group.
One of them was in my area the other day too.
I feel like an absolute idiot trying to arrange things and just getting ignored, but I feel like I can't say anything otherwise they'll say I'm 'stroppy' or 'too sensitive'.
We can go months without speaking, they just don't give a stuff.
Luckily I've got my partner, family and one friend who I see once a month.
My partner is very sociable and likeable too. He always invites me out with his friends which I really appreciate and I do go sometimes. He has colleagues or other friends wanting to meet up virtually every week and I feel so inadequate. He does work in a very sociable environment I guess. I got a bit upset to myself yesterday because i feel like such a loser.
I'm shy and quiet and wondered if people find me boring. I do try and share funny things about myself as well as ask questions and be interested in the other person. I'm not a larger than life character or party animal but I still deserve good friends. I treat people kindly.
I've got two meetups next week so I'm hoping that will be the start of something.
Sorry this was so long but I feel utterly depressed.

These so called school friends would be happy for me to go to their home at their convenience but they don't give a stuff about seeing mine. The last time they saw a home of mine was 7 years ago despite invites and suggestions.

The school friends are just self-absorbed, and probably have weekends booked up with kids sports or other local events. It's a time of life thing, don't take it personally.

The gay friend might be in a relationship now and not have as much free time, or he might be doing some self-care therapy where he is focusing solely on his own goals or it could be anything. Don't take it personally.

Everyone has something going on in their lives, and certain times of life can be very intense where you just don't have time for friends (like you used to).

I'm going through similar situations, where friends are no longer prioritizing friendships, but instead focusing on themselves, their relationships, their personal finances, their kids, their busy hectic lives, their aging parents, their business.

The gay friend is very sociable and goes out virtually every night, I see it on Social media (but I've unfollowed him now) I'm just not invited anymore.
You're right, maybe they are self absorbed. It's just really not hard to reply when you're invited to a party to say 'sorry I can't make it' it's just rude. Even the ones who don't have kids just ignored it, plus they've had a couple of weeks notice. I know they meet up with 'mum friends' too. I probably just don't fit into their lives anymore.

Should I speak to the group of friends or just keep the group archived/stop bothering?

Stop bothering, if you try to figure this out, some of them might turn on you. Just accept they are not interested (for now). They will come back in dribs and drabs when the time suits them.

Try to make new friends...I know it's hard but try not to be so dependent on them.

Why do we accept such low standards and poor behaviour from people?
Sick of hearing how hard it is to reply to someone's message because of life.
But I'll leave it now, i hope I'll meet new people.

I think some people see friendships differently. You sound like a loyal person who values long friendships. Others see friends as those they see regularly at that stage of their life.Uou don’t live/ work near them so it’s more effort I guess. Do you meet new people in your work, daily life?

I'm not saying I want someone who wants to see me daily and texts incessantly as that'd be suffocating, but I couldn't believe it when my partner had people who want to go out on a weekly basis, as I've got nothing anywhere near that.
We don't live that far away, an hour max. I have some that live like 2h away but when they come back here it's usually to see family, and they just don't really stay in touch in between.
I do agency/supply work so sadly I don't get to know people long enough, but I'm in a long term role atm which I'm hoping will turn permanent so there's a start

Move on op, not worth your time.

I had a message saying a friend had phoned me missed call, so I messaged her and said did you call, she said yes by mistake.

That was it, no how are you anyway that was it. Some people severely lack. They have no idea .

Wow how rude @girlfriend44 !
OP I’d keep in touch with the ones that reply but delete the others. They have shown you who they are.

I hate how we're expected to wait patiently for months or years on end for 'friends' until they decide they can be arsed talking to you. Understandable if they're bereaved or in an emergency etc. But in this case they just don't give a stuff. So if they eventually decide I'm worth replying to then no i won't be interested. We're all busy, I don't have kids but im still busy, I'm sick of constant excuses being made for people.

You’re lucky to have a lovely D H a o values you . Focus on the positives.

You're not alone OP. I feel like this a lot of the time, like it's too much effort to text and wait for the reply (or not) and then suggest meeting up.

Texted some friends earlier this week and no one has replied (yet). i think in the olden days when people rang an actual phone line it was easier, most people answered the phone if they were in and you'd speak in real time. Modern communication has a lot to answer for.

Just to say I've experienced this too OP. It's really hard.

It’s hard making and maintaining friends I think. Since I was a kid I was aware I was the one doing all the running to and calling for. I used to get fed up and gave up on some friendships. Even into my adulthood I’ve been the one always having to instigate things, even with family. It just made me step back and stop contacting people and not many got back to me for months on end which makes you question your self worth. I just decided to start enjoying my own company. I have a husband and child so I concentrate on that. I’m just glad I work as that is a social life for me. I think I would be depressed if I was at home all the time as the loneliness would be magnified I think.

you need to start enjoying your own company.

It's quite clear from them repeatedly not replying that they don't want to be friends anymore. Even busy people reply.

Block ignore and move on.

I am grateful to have him and I do enjoy my own company but there's nothing wrong with wanting friends and I won't give up.
I've archived the group , I wanted to leave it but it will just make me look petty and dramatic I guess, and will give them an excuse to laugh.
Agree, and I wish I hadn't spent hundreds of £££ on their ridiculous hen dos when I didn't earn much. They didn't deserve it

I remember when I hadn't replied in 3 hours about her £220 hen do for one night where I still had to sleep in a bed with my friend despite paying a bloody fortune. And I had a question mark next to my name because I hadn't replied immediately like everyone else.
It's just making me so angry, they've got a massive cheek.

Agree that the most likely outcome if you confront/ask what's wrong etc is that they will deny deny deny and then YOU will be seen as the problem. It takes someone to give a shit in the first place to give a shit that they're not giving a shit (if that makes sense)

Match their energy OP. I know how frustrating it is, but honestly, there's not much you can do about it. You can't force people to be friends with you, or bothered about you. People are inherently very selfish. I have a few friends who I probably see about 3 or 4 times a year, they don't know each other and it's not one big group. It suits me fine tbh. I had a best friend up until recently but we fell out and now don't bother with each other. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, no more dramas, needy video calls etc. Friendships aren't all they're cracked up to be. If you have them great, but if you don't, you're not really missing out on a great deal. Focus on your core life, your family and your partner, and try not to let anyone else get you down too much. You can bet your bottom dollar they won't be stressing over you so don't give it too much headspace.

Exactly, it will just be 'ooh sorry I forgot! Sorry been soo busy!" Then it will just make me look bad.
Once I asked if anyone wanted to come to a show with me (about 3 years ago) they all ignored it and then I wrote 'wow don't all rush at once' and then they all started replying 'ooh sorry I can't make that day!"

I think you can fall into the role as the 'organiser', I have a friend where it's always me initiating /instigating but we have a pleasant time when we do go out so I think that it's still worth it. Bit hard to go back to it being reciprocal when you have already established yourself as the active one I think. I suppose with new friends I could wait for them to initiate etc but then I get fed up waiting and think I'll just take the lead again and so the cycle continues.

I feel like I've been doing friendships wrong all my life, I'm wondering now if I just try and do casual/network type social events and not think so much in terms of friendships as i'd like them to be. Something's not working that's for sure.

Agree friendships can be toxic. Female friendships, some women can be jealous of you, insecure, attracted to your boyfriend etc. (I've had all these things). Or those friendships where they're either sending you a million texts a day or ignoring you for weeks, no in between.
Always struggled with straight males as friends as some think it's ok to flirt with you and cross the line even if you or they have a partner and you never quite know what they want. So i keep trying to tell myself all this.

Then when i got a boyfriend 2 of my male friends were suddenly not interested in knowing me anymore

I've definitely been through this. Someone I thought I was quite good friends with seems to be ghosting me at the moment. I can't think of anything I've done to upset her. And another friend is doing similar to what you describe. I think sometimes people are just busy and wrapped up in their own lives and it's not always personal. But if you've made the effort there and tried to reach out to them, there isn't really anything else you can do beyond focusing on yourself and the positives in your life for now and trying to make other connections.