Feel like I'm worthless to people I thought were friends

[Cheesecakeitalian]

I had a gay male friend for several years that I used to work with (before people complain why am I mentioning his sexuality, it's just to highlight that he's not distant due to feelings or anything like that.)

Anyway i used to see him almost weekly, I've known him for 7 years now. He no longer contacts me first, I really cannot think of any time we fell out or anything I may have said to upset him or anything. Anyway the last 3 times I've tried to arrange stuff (approx once every 3/4 weeks) I've just been met with 'i'm busy that day.' no attempt to rearrange or say that we should meet up soon. I saw him early May and we seemed to get on well.
I've just asked him if he's free over half term and I was met with 'i'm away." That's it. I sent a thumbs up and I don't intend to contact him again. I thought about messaging him to ask if there was something wrong but it will probably come across as too 'needy' or 'petty'.

The others are a group of women I've known since high school. We're all early 30s now and since 18 we've been on various holidays, hen dos, weddings etc. I thought it would be friendships for life but I was naive i guess. Over the last year or so it's clear they couldn't care less.

Most have a mortgage now, 3 have kids, most are married or engaged (I do have a partner) drive and so on and in management careers. I'm doing things at my own pace which is fine. I've wondered sometimes if they no longer regard me at the same level as them as a result.

I have no idea why I even bothered. The issues I've had were with me always having to travel to see them. They don't all live in one area either. I did talk to them about this and they said they'd try to come to my area but never have. I invited them for my birthday at our flat 2 months ago and 2 out of 8 replied saying they were busy. The rest didn't bother.

I've just invited them for a Halloween/housewarming thing and one person out of 8 has replied saying she's busy. It's been a couple of days.
I feel quite humiliated and feel like confronting them, but I've just archived the group.
One of them was in my area the other day too.
I feel like an absolute idiot trying to arrange things and just getting ignored, but I feel like I can't say anything otherwise they'll say I'm 'stroppy' or 'too sensitive'.
We can go months without speaking, they just don't give a stuff.
Luckily I've got my partner, family and one friend who I see once a month.
My partner is very sociable and likeable too. He always invites me out with his friends which I really appreciate and I do go sometimes. He has colleagues or other friends wanting to meet up virtually every week and I feel so inadequate. He does work in a very sociable environment I guess. I got a bit upset to myself yesterday because i feel like such a loser.
I'm shy and quiet and wondered if people find me boring. I do try and share funny things about myself as well as ask questions and be interested in the other person. I'm not a larger than life character or party animal but I still deserve good friends. I treat people kindly.
I've got two meetups next week so I'm hoping that will be the start of something.
Sorry this was so long but I feel utterly depressed.

OP, sod the lot of 'em.
Work on your inner self - why do you need this people? Find out and plug that gap. Be happy without them.
If any wander back, or if you meet new friends, that's a bonus. But your best friend is yourself.

This doesn't quite sound like the whole story if she avoids visiting your shared home...

I really wonder whether this is what's going on... when someone thinks lots of their married/ attached/ no history of being predatory friends "fancy" their partner it's not usually the case - more that they're uncomfortable about him or simply annoyed by him dominating conversation and tagging along to previously all female/ all old-friends meet ups and changing the dynamic...

Obviously you know best about your own situation though. I hope you find new friends who'll be more reliable, if it is all of your friends who are the issue and not a partner whom your female and gay male friends feel uncomfortable or annoyed around.

I really don't think it's any issue with him, they were like this before i was even with him anyway. I just hope I'll meet new people.
What's weird is that I wrote a status on Facebook and one of them wrote some gushy reply to me, even though she's ignored my invite.

It is really shit when friendship groups start to drift apart. However, I just could not bear the pass agg ‘don’t all rush at once’ comments you’ve mentioned making. That would give me the friend ick big time.

I can’t be doing with the sorts of friendships where I’m always in the doghouse somehow, I’m never felt to be making enough of an effort and nothing I have going on in my life could possibly be a good enough excuse not to meet their expectations.

I’m getting a bit of that vibe from your posts, OP.

Unfortunately, it’s a vicious circle - the more a person scolds or chides or ‘confronts’ or insinuates I’m not trying hard enough, the less I want to be in contact with them. Because it feels inevitable that whatever I say or don’t say is going to disappoint them in some way, and I’m tired of being guilt tripped and/or told off every time I’m in touch with them. I just want them to back off and stop trying to force me to be the devoted and attentive friend they want, without regard for what I might want.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or that I think they’re worthless; it’s more that there’s a dynamic that feels oppressive and but controlling, there’s a pattern of perpetual disappointment that I know I can’t fix for the other person.

I have experienced this too OP. We were good friends, went on holidays together etc. My Mum went for a serious spinal operation and I was so upset and worried as we were told she may have serious complications and could be paralysed. I told my friends and......

Nothing, not a message, short text, nothing at all for weeks. Until, I saw one of them, drunk at a kids party and she went on and on about herself. I decided they didn't deserve a friend like me. That's what you should think. This is nothing to do with you. Your friends are not worth your time. I truly believe that friends come into your life for a reason. Maybe you have things in common at that time in your life. Don't mourn a friendship but be grateful for what you did get out of it and move on. Close that door and open a new one, with new friends.
Also, your feelings matter. Don't ever feel bad for having these feelings. They should be validated. If I was your friend, you would be able to tell me that I had upset you and I would listen and try and make it right.

I put that comment once as a joke a couple of years ago. It was meant to be a joke. Why am i not allowed to say anything when it's ignored by everyone? Apart from that, I've literally said nothing the other times I've been ignored.

I'm really not quite sure where you've got all this from but i think it's incorrect sorry. Nobody is in the doghouse about anything. There's no reason to collectively ignore an invite. If they dislike something I'm doing, they're grown adults.

@Cheesecakeitalian I'm so close to just leaving but I feel like there'll be no going back and I'll be almost friendless.

What would make you happier, having fewer friends that you know have your back or loads of friends who really couldn't give a crap about you?

It's hard but they aren't your real friends. You need to make a fabulous life without them. Find people who really like you and are genuinely interested in you.

@AngelinaFibres that’s easier said than done though.

You are completely right but Op either makes the decision to change things or lives with being upset and disappointed by her current 'friends' . I know how she feels. I felt better when I joined some groups to do with my hobby and met new people. Only Op can decide what she wants to do 😋

I completely agree with you on this.

It’s not ok for people to - for no good reason - deprioritise your friendship (or re-prioritise it) around the other things in their lives. If it was good enough for them when they didn’t have a husband, for example, it should still be a priority when they do!

Friendships are not fillers and if you only maintain them when you’re footloose and fancy free, that’s just using people.

(Obviously, I’m not talking about unavoidable time constraints due to work or kids or proper falling out situations, etc.)

I agree with letting them go @AngelinaFibres it’s the making new friends that is harder .

I had this very dilemma recently. Friend treated me really badly and I made the decision there and then to back off from the friendship and see if she made an effort to get in touch, ask me how I was etc. She did nothing. This was my best friend of 20 years standing, I had loved her like a sister but she just changed into something unrecognisable.

It felt like she was almost waiting for me to just forget the shit behaviour and carry on as before but I felt like I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. I could have continued with the friendship if she'd been willing to actually admit she had hurt me (she said some pretty horrible things to me) but at first she denied anything was wrong and then turned it round so it was me who'd upset her - classic darvo. That was the end of a long, one time very close and special friendship but I was simply not willing to be treated like shit any longer.

OP don't let these people treat you like shit, it will make you more unhappy than having no friends at all as you'll lose your self respect too. I can see no way forward for you than to just back off and see if they step in to fill the gap, if not (which sadly seems a possibility) then let them go. It is just the illusion of friendship you will miss.

OP move on from these friends. There is no need to tie yourself up in knots over this.

If friends live 2hrs away and visit your area to see family then you might not be their priority, especially if it’s a flying visit.

I’m in a group chat and if someone posts “anyone fancy doing x..” I do not reply straightaway. Not because I’m ignoring them but usually I have to think about the logistics of can I do such and such an evening when DC have an activity, will DP be able to leave work early to take them and so on. I just don’t have the mental headspace to think that far ahead and sometimes I’m too tired to try and work it all out. The main difference with your situation is virtually all my friends in the group chat have small kids so no-one is ever offended. It has become a running joke that some of us take weeks or months(!) to reply and everyone completely understands. I’ve just replied to a friend with kids who messaged me and suggested meeting last3 months ago. She laughed and said let’s plan for Xmas..2023. I think you should try and find likeminded friends who are at your stage in life.

They sound like knobs OP. I think you need to take a step back from the “friendship”. Keep them in archive and check it once a month or so. Focus on making friends in your area instead but I promise you are not boring! We are a similar age and I moved about three years ago away from my home town and I’ve found it so hard to make new friends. People are flakes and especially people with kids. I think I’m awesome and not boring at all but can I get anyone to actually respond to messages or agree a time to meet up? Absolutely not.

I think you sound fabulous. Unfortunately you are giving too much of your time and effort to useless people who just sound completely self absorbed.

@Eastie77Returns i get that but I’d reply “Thanks, I need to check and get back to you.” Why ignore?

Also, for what it’s worth, I used to give friends with kids a bit of a pass for being rubbish because, being child free, I couldn’t possibly understand what it was like and they were SO busy and SO exhausted all of the time, it was impossible for them to think of anyone else outside of their immediate family. Then I had a kid myself and realised that actually, no, some people are just twats.

It annoys me that a two second reply is so hard. You don’t have to stand in the hall tied by telephone landline unable to get on with stuff. Why is that so hard?

I think I wonder why it's so much easier for my partner than me. His friends don't have kids, but you're right, these 'friends' of mine aren't single parents with 5 kids, they've got one baby each but they have their husbands and family living round the corner. Plus, they've been tagged on nights out with 'mum friends'.
Most people of my age are glued to their phones. Agreed it's really not hard to say "I'll let you know in a few days' or something.
I'd be so grateful to be invited to a party. I haven't been to one in such a long time.

Is it wrong to want to be your friend's priority, at least sometimes?

Only wrong in that it sets you up for disappointment. I know what you mean though. It shouldn't be this hard!

I’ve had this OP and if hurts a lot.

I’ve recently been dropped like a stone by someone I thought was a friend and a friendship that I feel I have been been very supportive in over many years.

It has really made me question whether people are who I think they are and why I have been willing to invest as much time and energy into caring for them as I have over so long. Perhaps my perception of what is a friendship is actually just someone using me for a support when they need it without any actual reciprocation of caring for me in return. Maybe it’s all me at fault for being foolish.

Its made me feel like I should be more self protective but it’s all very sad.

I hope you can move on and find new people more worthy of your energy and time.

Don’t know if it helps, but I’m one of the people that can’t call you back as it were. I can’t Calle friends because I feel so ashamed, my life has gone wrong, I can’t cope I don’t want to be a burden so I don’t call back. Friends obviously get fed up and don’t call me, and then I’m in a cycle of shame. Sometimes it’s important to say are you ok.

Feel the same, like what's the point in being friends only to be let down and can I trust anyone again.

I've never felt such heartache not even from a lover, honestly felt like my heart was stomped all over by her.