Feel like I'm worthless to people I thought were friends

[Cheesecakeitalian]

I had a gay male friend for several years that I used to work with (before people complain why am I mentioning his sexuality, it's just to highlight that he's not distant due to feelings or anything like that.)

Anyway i used to see him almost weekly, I've known him for 7 years now. He no longer contacts me first, I really cannot think of any time we fell out or anything I may have said to upset him or anything. Anyway the last 3 times I've tried to arrange stuff (approx once every 3/4 weeks) I've just been met with 'i'm busy that day.' no attempt to rearrange or say that we should meet up soon. I saw him early May and we seemed to get on well.
I've just asked him if he's free over half term and I was met with 'i'm away." That's it. I sent a thumbs up and I don't intend to contact him again. I thought about messaging him to ask if there was something wrong but it will probably come across as too 'needy' or 'petty'.

The others are a group of women I've known since high school. We're all early 30s now and since 18 we've been on various holidays, hen dos, weddings etc. I thought it would be friendships for life but I was naive i guess. Over the last year or so it's clear they couldn't care less.

Most have a mortgage now, 3 have kids, most are married or engaged (I do have a partner) drive and so on and in management careers. I'm doing things at my own pace which is fine. I've wondered sometimes if they no longer regard me at the same level as them as a result.

I have no idea why I even bothered. The issues I've had were with me always having to travel to see them. They don't all live in one area either. I did talk to them about this and they said they'd try to come to my area but never have. I invited them for my birthday at our flat 2 months ago and 2 out of 8 replied saying they were busy. The rest didn't bother.

I've just invited them for a Halloween/housewarming thing and one person out of 8 has replied saying she's busy. It's been a couple of days.
I feel quite humiliated and feel like confronting them, but I've just archived the group.
One of them was in my area the other day too.
I feel like an absolute idiot trying to arrange things and just getting ignored, but I feel like I can't say anything otherwise they'll say I'm 'stroppy' or 'too sensitive'.
We can go months without speaking, they just don't give a stuff.
Luckily I've got my partner, family and one friend who I see once a month.
My partner is very sociable and likeable too. He always invites me out with his friends which I really appreciate and I do go sometimes. He has colleagues or other friends wanting to meet up virtually every week and I feel so inadequate. He does work in a very sociable environment I guess. I got a bit upset to myself yesterday because i feel like such a loser.
I'm shy and quiet and wondered if people find me boring. I do try and share funny things about myself as well as ask questions and be interested in the other person. I'm not a larger than life character or party animal but I still deserve good friends. I treat people kindly.
I've got two meetups next week so I'm hoping that will be the start of something.
Sorry this was so long but I feel utterly depressed.

The thing is they don't ignore each other it's just me so I question how much of it is being wrapped up in their own lives.
But indeed i do need to just focus on positives. I think it's because my partner is so popular i feel like a loser.

Do they all have children. It could be that they are more involved with each other because they have kids? They don't sound like good friends though.

3 have children but the rest don't.. they're just not good friends you're right . I just look like such a pathetic loser messaging to invite them to a party at mine and zero replies. Wtf. And they're just getting away with being dicks again

I’m the type of person who would have to leave the group to make a point. They’re being rude and have treated you badly so aren’t worth your time. Do it and if they contact you, say ‘well no one seemed interested so I left’.

The dynamics with my friends changed when I had a child but I still enjoy spending time with my single friends, mum friends and anyone else who genuinely is upbeat and positive. I’ve cut a few people off who are Debbie downers and offer nothing to my life!

Can I come to your party?! You sound lovely!

You're right... In a way I'm scared to leave in case I've got it all wrong. I've done this before where I've deleted people and then they've gotten really angry and blocked me, and it just made me seem like I overreacted.
It sounds silly but I'm hoping to get married in the next couple of years, and I worry that I'll look such a loser with barely any friends there

Yes you can 😂

You're not a loser. I bet you have a lot to offer to a friendship and people who can't be bothered to respond to an invitation from a friend are just rude and flakey.

I'm so close to just leaving but I feel like there'll be no going back and I'll be almost friendless

I think getting really happy with your own company and doing things you enjoy anyway is the answer. Best not to rely on other friends, have too many expectations, and see meet ups as just fun moments to be enjoyed at the time. I think, sadly, this culture builds up a fantasy about friendship as it does about romantic love. At the same time, narcissism is rising.... so very rarely does the romantic love or friendships go the way you'd hoped! Just imho.

I agree @Greenslime35 .

I was once in a group like you describe and left out a lot. My therapist explained that in some group dynamics, an 'outsider' is recruited to make the others in the group feel more cohesive and special. Like they need someone they see as not fully in the group to feel higher up the pecking order. Without the outsider there would be no pecking order and they wouldn't be seen as 'insiders'.

I don't know if you can relate to this but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.... it's a shit place to be. The only solution is to leave unfortunately.

Have you posted about this before OP ? Something about a bbq and no one coming or replying?
Even if not, you need to draw back a bit and take up a new hobby or way to make friends. With these ones, don't initiate anything and see what happens. Maybe they are just going through busy periods, it's hard to tell.

You need local friends!
I suspect you haven’t actively looked for new friendships locally as you relied on your old network that’s now outgrown itself and purpose.
They have given you pretty good indicators that the friendship isn’t a priority anymore for them, and that’s fine we all move in different directions in time.

Lovely new friends that you can meet up with far more regularly is the answer. Your old school friends have no doubt made new networks and friends where they live and don’t rely on the old network for socialising. For you they are still the main source.

You might find once you have built up a happy network of friends nearby you will welcome a once in a blue moon meet up with your old friends after all, if you are not too busy and it suits you..

Don’t message any of them again - mute the chat and focus entirely on making a new network.
You can have a small intimate wedding so don’t worry about that.

What I've learned is, friendships aren't always for life. Some are, but not all, and they ebb and flow.

I play music so there is always a group to join, which leads to all sorts.

Dont take it personally at all. Life is like that. But do get out and enjoy yourself. OP your partner's groups sound perfect. X

Kissingfrogs25 has nailed it.

I have got 2 meetups lined up this week so that's good. I'm just worried it'll be the same though, that I'll try to get to know people outside of the group but I won't be their cup of tea, so they'll either not reply or just be too busy.

I've tried not initiating anything for 2 months and nothing happens :( one of them was literally out in my area the other night with her partner. She was 10 mins walk from my flat (it was on Facebook) she could've said, "Hey we're in the area, fancy meeting up?" But just shows she couldn't be arsed and doesn't care enough

Why not worry about what might or might not happen. Give out your number and for once let them get in touch. Do things differently this time.

I'm sorry op. It is shit.

Is there any possibility they don't like your partner?

You say he's popular but that doesn't mean friends of yours like him.

Does he come along to a lot of things with you? Does he make himself the centre of attention? Does he have a sense of humour that might not go down well with your female and gay male friends? Could he be the reason you're welcome at theirs but they never go to yours.

Most people won't tell a friend they don't like/ are uncomfortable around their partner because its never accepted (understandably), but friendships definitely fall away for this reason.

No on the contrary I think some fancy him. One of them didn't ask a single thing about me last time but kept asking him about him and when I was bringing him. One was gazing at him. So cringy really.

The same one also likes every photo he's in. She's married too.

I am sorry they haven’t treated you kindly. A few different perspectives are that life is busy. I would love to see my home school friends but when I am home there never seems to be enough time.
Friendships take longer to build as you get older, you no longer spend every day with people like you did at school. I have a lot of acquaintances that I see through a hobby but no real friends locally. I am ok with that though because I have such little time. I thought I had some friends for life but found out the hard way that I was only useful when they wanted something.
My advice would be to do a hobby regularly, don’t be afraid to try lots of different ones. They normally come with social evenings and only going once a month has a massive impact on how you feel. Prioritise yourself first.