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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to live to 95?

110 replies

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 19:47

Feeling a bit emotional tonight.

One of my granddads passed away from cancer in his mid 70s. He was fit and healthy, so the diagnosis shocked us all and it was a pretty awful couple of years watching him decline and pass away. However, he had many family and friends come to visit him, he stayed pretty mentally present until the end and his funeral was enormous - over a hundred people. He was well loved and well known in his local area. Most of his care was done by my grandma, his wife, and he died at home.

My other granddad passed away just after Christmas aged 95. He stayed in his house until he was 91 and way past being able to manage it, and his final years were spent between hospital and care facilities, worrying about my gran who has dementia and generally in pain. All bar one or two friends had long passed away, so few visitors, just his small family. He died in hospital fairly suddenly without any of us present 😢 his wife not there as it would’ve distressed her. His funeral was very small. He was such a proud man with such an interesting life and career, it makes me sad to think how few people were still alive to remember him at the end.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread, I guess it’s cathartic to write it down and cheaper than therapy! While illness and death is never pleasant, am I wrong to think that, in general, we’re actually making the end of our lives worse by living for too long?

OP posts:
purplethings · 17/10/2022 19:56

My DM died from
Cancer with us all there to support her and amazing care in a hospice. My DF has been depressed and sad ever since, he is generally fit and will live on for years but hasn't the will to do anything to make life worth living. I sometimes think my DM was saved a lot of pain going first.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:00

@purplethings 💐 I mean it’s always awful isn’t it, saying goodbye to somebody you love. But I wonder if them having a ‘good death’ makes the grieving process a little easier, knowing they knew how much they were loved. I had a nice last visit with him, we knew it would be the last one and talked about memories from over the years and told him how much I loved and admired him. But I wish he had had a better death.

OP posts:
Soproudoflionesses · 17/10/2022 20:00

I often think this too op

Itstarts · 17/10/2022 20:01

YANBU

Although I don't think it's a set age, more a state of mental and physical fitness. 95 and still out & about? Fine. 82 and unaware of my family and surroundings, stuck in an armchair in a home? F* that!

Swedishmeatball · 17/10/2022 20:01

There’s a happy medium isn’t there. My parents both died of cancer in their 60s and we felt robbed of time with them. All of my grandparents lived until their mid 90s (outliving my parents in 3 cases) and the very end of their lives were very lonely.

Thrownunderabus · 17/10/2022 20:03

I agree.

My DGM spent her last few years - before the dementia took hold and she ended up in a nursing home- repeatedly saying “I’ve lived too long”. She had had enough, was in pain, lived alone quite far from us all until the dementia.

There were 9 of us at her funeral, her only family left, all her friends were long gone.

I don’t want to live until my mid 90’s like she did, I’d have even less family.
FIL was the same in his mid 80’s though, saying he’s had enough and just wants to die.

I’m sorry you are feeling upset tonight, it is hard when you are missing loved ones. Flowers

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:03

I don’t ‘believe in euthanasia’ as such, but I think we need to make death a more acceptable topic and really discuss what treatments are in the interests of the very very elderly.

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 17/10/2022 20:04

you see it depends on health towards the end; my Father died in March aged 98 , after a short illness of 8 days, he was getting frailer but he was still mobile and albeit occasionally confused when tired but generally on the ball knew what was going on in the news and had opinions on it
8 days before death he was in church and the week before pottering in greenhouse a bit like the queen he was enjoying life at a slower space but his life was worth living, this is very different to my MIL who had dementia the last 5 years of her life and was in care for last 18 months; she was well looked after but towards the end was no longer recognising DH but she slipped away peacefully in sleep I do not think was unhappy though

Tlolljs · 17/10/2022 20:06

Think it depends on health rather than age. Maybe you’ll change your mind when you’re 94 3/4?

QueenOfHiraeth · 17/10/2022 20:08

My mother is in her 90s and says she has had enough. She is independent and still in her own home but can no longer drive, has recently had to accept she needs help around the house and all her generation of family and most of her friends have died, it's not fun

Sparklesocks · 17/10/2022 20:08

I’m sorry for your loss. 🌷

I think getting old is a real lottery. Some people remain pretty spritely and in good health but then they suddenly get poorly and succumb after a short illness. Others will have all manner of ailments once they hit a certain age and spend the last years of their life in pain, in and out of hospital. The problem is you don’t know which you’re going to be!

I do have vivid memories of my elderly neighbour who would frequently fall and cry out for help. We had the code for her key safe and would come and help her and wait until her carers arrive. She would tell us how awful it was to get old and her body wasn’t her own, I really felt for her.

I also think we don’t have a good relationship with death generally as a society, we don’t like to confront it and we cant handle it - so maybe that’s part of it.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:10

How awful @Swedishmeatball outliving their children 😞

@Thrownunderabus thanks, they were very involved with me when I was growing up and my parents were hopeless, so I was very close to them all. It’s just hard accepting I’ll never see them again sometimes.

OP posts:
TulipCat · 17/10/2022 20:11

I wish we could just pick a day to spontaneously combust and that would be the end of it. I really don't want to limp along lonely and in poor health.

user1471453601 · 17/10/2022 20:16

My Mum died aged 83. I wouldn't (don't) want her last five years, isolated in her home. I'm 72 now and I'm going pretty much the same way. I've had to give up a much loved holiday destination, I cannot get out of the house unless my daughter takes me. It's no much of a life. And I'm not depressed, I'm just facing the reality of a frail old age.

Some people are active and can get about well into their 70s and I'm pleased For those of us who cannot do this, then reality looks a bit grim

Blossomtoes · 17/10/2022 20:17

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:03

I don’t ‘believe in euthanasia’ as such, but I think we need to make death a more acceptable topic and really discuss what treatments are in the interests of the very very elderly.

That’s rather up to the very, very elderly individual. My genes predict I’ll be very, very old. If I can be like my mentally acute, relatively healthy dad was at 99, bring it on. If I’m like my mum who had dementia for the last five of her 97 years, no thanks. Everyone’s different.

MarshaMelrose · 17/10/2022 20:17

Tlolljs · 17/10/2022 20:06

Think it depends on health rather than age. Maybe you’ll change your mind when you’re 94 3/4?

Haha. Yes. My dad always said he'd be happy if he just made it to 70...until he was 69. Rapid change of mind . Lol. My mum is 87 and has now got moderately severe dementia. I can tell you, she most definitely doesn't want to die!
It's all so very sad.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:17

@user1471453601 im really sorry to hear that, and have no suggestions 💐 I hope things improve for you, in some way.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:18

I’m disabled and unlikely to live to a very very old age anyway, so I suppose there is a silver lining there.

OP posts:
glassfully · 17/10/2022 20:22

It really depends on health rather than age. DH's grandmother is in her mid-90s and still very active. She was widowed in her 50s and never remarried. She sold her house and moved to a flat on the south coast a few years ago at 92. We all worried she would be isolated after leaving her extensive friendship group but she quickly made friends. She has more of a social life than we do and we're in our 30s. DH sent her a text a few days ago to suggest we go visit in a couple of weeks. The response we got was "that would be lovely but I'm afraid I'm booked up until 12th December. Could we meet then or sometime after?"

JamSandle · 17/10/2022 20:24

Id like to live til old age if I can be like Dumbledore or Gandalf 😁

Imissmybabygirl · 17/10/2022 20:24

I think about it often too. I don't want to live long enough to see my love ones die. I don't want to be burden of my love ones. I don't want to live if I am not capable to take care of myself. Knowing my luck, I am not surprised if I live 90+. All my grandparents lived 80 and 90+.

I never understand why people want to live long. I guess it makes a difference too if you are rich though.

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 20:25

@glassfully love it! What a woman. I should point out my younger grandmother is the same - a jam packed schedule, grows her own veg, reads new books all the time, does yoga and has a zest for life I don’t have in my 30s! She will be 80 soon! Maybe it is your mental outlook - she’s stayed very ‘outward looking’ and has huge enthusiasm for learning new things and meeting new people.

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katmeouws · 17/10/2022 20:26

My Mum is 91 and would very much like to live to 95.

She has 5 beautiful, talented adult grand children and 5 gorgeous little great grand children who love her to bits. She needs a stick to get about, but with encouragement she can still walk a couple of miles.

Her Mum lived to 90 and her gran to 94 and her aunt lived to 97. They were all quite lucky in that they stayed healthy until the last few months of their lives. Mums says that there was nothing wrong with here gran, she just died one day.

2pinkginsplease · 17/10/2022 20:29

My gran used to always say that when it was her time to die she wanted to go to bed and not wake up, instead she withered away for over 3 years in a care home bed, bed bound and unable to do anything for herself. It was such a shame to see she died when she was 98.

katmeouws · 17/10/2022 20:30

I would add that these long lived women were all really short, 4ft 9 or so.