To not want to live to 95?

[Cuppasoupmonster]

Feeling a bit emotional tonight.

One of my granddads passed away from cancer in his mid 70s. He was fit and healthy, so the diagnosis shocked us all and it was a pretty awful couple of years watching him decline and pass away. However, he had many family and friends come to visit him, he stayed pretty mentally present until the end and his funeral was enormous - over a hundred people. He was well loved and well known in his local area. Most of his care was done by my grandma, his wife, and he died at home.

My other granddad passed away just after Christmas aged 95. He stayed in his house until he was 91 and way past being able to manage it, and his final years were spent between hospital and care facilities, worrying about my gran who has dementia and generally in pain. All bar one or two friends had long passed away, so few visitors, just his small family. He died in hospital fairly suddenly without any of us present 😢 his wife not there as it would’ve distressed her. His funeral was very small. He was such a proud man with such an interesting life and career, it makes me sad to think how few people were still alive to remember him at the end.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread, I guess it’s cathartic to write it down and cheaper than therapy! While illness and death is never pleasant, am I wrong to think that, in general, we’re actually making the end of our lives worse by living for too long?

@2pinkginsplease my older granddad was the same - he felt very old and missed his deceased family/friends hugely. Some of them died in WW2! He believed he would see them again in the afterlife though and that gives me comfort. If only we could all choose how we go.

I think I'd prefer a slightly less dramatic/violent end, but in principle I agree.

The largest funeral I have been to is someone who died at age 29. I still do not want to die at 29.

I am in my fifties and most of my family have died and some friends. I miss them a lot. I do not want to die though.

That’s not my point antelope, as you very well know.

Wonderful idea, sign me up!!

I'd love to decide when to die

I've already told my DC/DH that if I'm diagnosed with anything that's life limiting etc I'll be buying a one way ticket to Dignitas

I think I would of had enough by the time I'm 80 to be honest, I'd quite happily pop my clogs

A quick death is obviously better than a long drawn out death and a lot of suffering whatever the age of the person

My aunt died at that age. Very independent and had lots of visitors. No real ill health - just died of old age. A lot of people at her funeral. I’d like to get to that age.

I would say my dh's great Aunt had a very content and fulfilled life post 90 with no significant health issues until she got covid a few months ago. She passed on a few weeks ago, aged 103. She was only ill for a few months.

You don't know what fate has in store for you OP.

You can’t just trot off to Dignitas because you fancy dying. You have to be compos mentis and have a terminal illness, with six months or less to live.

You might change your mind when you’re 92 and enjoying a cruise around Scandinavia. Most people do not get dementia. Many cancers are treatable these days. Most elderly people don’t live in care homes.
Of course it’s sad to lose partners, to have to stop driving (although a good few drivers are 90+) or have to put up with aches and pains but if you think of those over 80 as elderly, it includes the current president of USA, the president of Cameroon, the Pope, the King of Saudi Arabia, Queen of Denmark, Paul McCartney, Nancy Pelosi, Patrick Stewart and many more living fulfilling lives.
The perception we have of older people isn’t necessarily the reality and ageism has much to answer for.
Plenty of our very elderly neighbours enjoy active and independent lives. An 88-ear-old climbs ladders to clear his guttering, sells his art and hosts very well oiled Spanish evenings. A
97 year old is more limited because of cataracts forcing her to give up driving. She has three sheep and a donkey that are her pets. Several neighbours drop in most days, she walks to visit others for a coffee, attends the local WI, loves a hot curry and homemade scones and is very nosey. If she doesn’t like something in the village, it doesn’t usually happen.
One of our neighbours has his 94 year old grandmother living in an annexe, having brought her over from Avignon. She doesn’t speak English, but still joins us for supper or tea in their garden. She hosts people who want to improve their conversational French and makes wonderful bouillabaisse.
Ageing is inevitable but misery isn’t.

@Blossomtoes "trot off to dignitas"
😂😂😂

No. Mid to late 70's, early 80's , and only if quality of life, not too much health conditions, not too bad MH ie not senile.

I totally agree, its like longevity is an aim in itself?! Past a certain point- why?

Mid-seventies still feels very young when you get there.

My 95 year old MIL is existing in a home, she has dementia. It’s terrible to see what she has become.

You’re so right. I’m normally a home help and a lot of my clients have dementia. It’s rotten seeing them deteriorate in front of you and 99% of them wouldn’t choose to live how they are if you told them it was going to be like this.

I have my own feelings about it. My grandad is twice widowed now, he has cushings angina and something called Paget’s disease and he wants to stop taking his medication and let nature run it’s course but they won’t let him and hospitalise him everytime he does. He thinks they want to keep him alive suffering until he can’t manage and needs to sell his house to go into a home and they get his money instead of his loved ones. I love him. I’d miss him but I hope he gets what he wants because he’s not got a life. Just an existence.

I'm in my 40s. I am already not as strong or fast as I used to be. My joints ache in the cold. I do not want to live to a pain filled old age. Or a dementia old age. Both of which are very feasible for me, with my parents.

People who are happy in old age, are they just happy to be alive, or are they genuinely loving life?

I suspect many of us won't have long between retirement and death now anyway. Unlike my relatives, who were all retired by 60 or 65. Imagine retiring that young.

I utterly agree.
My lovely granny is 102.
She’s now in a care home (a very good one) with her memory and mind slowly slipping away. She has visitors every day. Everything that can be done for her is done.
She’s not really happy. It saddens me so much that this could go on and get worse and worse.
She is so done with life. 😢

I agree with everyone saying that a long, painful old age restricted by decreasing independence isn’t what I want. But. I have a relative in his early 80s. Until recently he looked 10 years younger than his age. He was active, played a big part in his grandchildren’s lives. Still did the odd bit of paid consultancy-type work. Swore blind he’d be happy to live to 75 and then take himself off to Dignitas.
Then covid struck, and he became absolutely convinced that if he caught it he’d die. He became a virtual recluse, pretty much stopped leaving the house even after lockdown was completely lifted. Now he’s irascible because he’s permanently in pain as a result of several minor chronic conditions, he’s bewildered, angry and frightened by a world he doesn’t want to keep up with, angry with the people around him who disappoint him, and above all terrified of dying. It’s heartbreaking. He has become a different person, he’s clearly desperately unhappy, and I can see him living another ten years like this.

Care homes rely on income from the sale of assets/houses. They will do anything to keep people even in pain alive.

@HighlandPony

But is that correct? It's his body his choice. I don't know, but I think he should have a chat with his GP about how he'd rather have quality over quantity. It's his decision whether to take a course of medication. He can ask about pain management. He'll have to talk to the doctor though not a nurse. He'd have to be compus mentis to make that decision. He should also find out about Do Not Resuscitate - I think there are different levels of these and again he has to be compus mentis to sign one.

I’m 67 and still pretty good, get myself out to frequent gigs and Rock festivals or weekenders. Can still put up my own tent…but it’s getting harder every year. I can still hike 10 miles but used to be capable of double that.

I’ve had an eventful and exciting life and I can’t cope with sitting around for more than a day or so, I still have nightmares about lockdown!

I’ll be happy to clock out at 75, I don’t want to go much past that cos it’s downhill all the way to the end. I’ve seen my mum and my aunt make it to 96 with sharp brains but worn out bodies, that’s not for me. If I had the choice between going tomorrow or living to my 90s I’d gladly go tomorrow.

It's not the age though is it, its quality of life. My mum is 96 and has very little mobility, she has various health issues and chronic pain. But, she still has all her marbles and still takes a great interest in her huge family, she enjoys hearing about every new job, every house move etc, loves all the gossip. We are very lucky that she can live at home, as we all take turns to stay with her. I don't want to live quite that long though. I would like if we had a pill that we could take and just fall asleep when we are ready.