To not want to live to 95?

[Cuppasoupmonster]

Feeling a bit emotional tonight.

One of my granddads passed away from cancer in his mid 70s. He was fit and healthy, so the diagnosis shocked us all and it was a pretty awful couple of years watching him decline and pass away. However, he had many family and friends come to visit him, he stayed pretty mentally present until the end and his funeral was enormous - over a hundred people. He was well loved and well known in his local area. Most of his care was done by my grandma, his wife, and he died at home.

My other granddad passed away just after Christmas aged 95. He stayed in his house until he was 91 and way past being able to manage it, and his final years were spent between hospital and care facilities, worrying about my gran who has dementia and generally in pain. All bar one or two friends had long passed away, so few visitors, just his small family. He died in hospital fairly suddenly without any of us present 😢 his wife not there as it would’ve distressed her. His funeral was very small. He was such a proud man with such an interesting life and career, it makes me sad to think how few people were still alive to remember him at the end.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread, I guess it’s cathartic to write it down and cheaper than therapy! While illness and death is never pleasant, am I wrong to think that, in general, we’re actually making the end of our lives worse by living for too long?

I’m going to have no family left by the time I’m about 65, maybe sooner. I worry about it. I don’t want to rely on strangers. I often fantasise about taking myself off somewhere and just going missing - not that anyone will come looking.

Perhaps it's more the talking about these people like they are not - people. Without a thought that there are those much, much younger in similar situations - are they thought of in the same way?

The thing is people should have a choice when they die, instead we are left with the current system of slowly fading away against their will because some people might get upset. It's bodily autonomy.

I have worked in care homes for a number of years I know I do not want to slowly fade away, becoming doubly incontinent, getting contractures , get dysphagia and forced to eat disgusting pureed food until I waste away. That is my right I'm not saying people are worth less but I do not wish for my death to be like that. It is my body and my choice.

We don't discuss wishes or a good death until it's often too late in the UK.

What has anyone said to infer the elderly or disabled aren’t people?

You're right OP. Both my FIL and mother both died fairly suddenly in their mid-seventies after short illnesses. Both were a bit of a shock but at least neither of them lingered in pain for any length of time.

MIL and father survived until their mid-nineties. MIL had dementia and eventually had to go in a home as she could no longer look after herself. She became more aggressive and difficult to cope with and due to her condition, she never really settled there. I think she wanted to waste away quietly at home instead of being jollied into activities.

Father had a very rare cancer which spoiled his quality of life for the last couple of years. He lingered in hospital for a month before he passed away peacefully. Neither would have chosen that and if they'd had the mental capacity to truly realise their situations they'd have been appalled.

I have always said I want to live into my 90s. But that's fear of missing out on grandchildren's lives talking. I might not have any grandchildren, and they might live a million miles away. I have never really thought about it before, but it must be dreadful to see all your closest friends/siblings etc go before you and be left alone.

It depends entirely on the person. My parents are the same age as my PIL. All in their early 70s.

PIL have been 'old' since I've known them (20 years). Retired. Old fashioned house with chintzy ornaments. Never did anything apart from sit and watch Gold all day everyday. MiL had a stroke 10 years ago and has pretty much declined since then. FIL is her carer.

My parents have been the exact opposite. DF still works. DM still out and about a lot. House is modern inside and out. Both spend a lot of time with the grand kids. In my mind, there is about 20 years between them.

My DGP died in their late 70s and early 80s. I can't get my head around the idea of my parents only having a decade or so left. But my PIL feel like a pair of old creaking gates that will outlive us all.

If I have all my marbles and am active like my DMiL was I’ll happily live til 95.
we don’t look after our old well enough in this county, we treat them as an inconvenience and stick them in homes, then complain that they aren’t cared for well enough.
in my culture we look after the old and the young.

@Blossomtoes

You can’t just trot off to Dignitas because you fancy dying. You have to be compos mentis and have a terminal illness, with six months or less to live.

I didn't know this. I have told my dc that I want to go to Dignitas if I get dementia, as soon as it gets worse. My DM is 96 with advanced dementia, bedridden and unable to recognise anyone for the past 5 years. She comes from a long lived family.

I’m the same. The answer is an advance directive that you make now which states that in the event of a dementia diagnosis, no other condition is to be treated - UTI, chest infection, etc, no antibiotics just palliative care. DNAR so a heart attack takes its course, no cancer treatment. You also need a health power of attorney which names one or two people you trust to advocate for you so your wishes are carried out. My nearest and dearest are very, very clear about what I want.