Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to live to 95?

110 replies

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/10/2022 19:47

Feeling a bit emotional tonight.

One of my granddads passed away from cancer in his mid 70s. He was fit and healthy, so the diagnosis shocked us all and it was a pretty awful couple of years watching him decline and pass away. However, he had many family and friends come to visit him, he stayed pretty mentally present until the end and his funeral was enormous - over a hundred people. He was well loved and well known in his local area. Most of his care was done by my grandma, his wife, and he died at home.

My other granddad passed away just after Christmas aged 95. He stayed in his house until he was 91 and way past being able to manage it, and his final years were spent between hospital and care facilities, worrying about my gran who has dementia and generally in pain. All bar one or two friends had long passed away, so few visitors, just his small family. He died in hospital fairly suddenly without any of us present 😢 his wife not there as it would’ve distressed her. His funeral was very small. He was such a proud man with such an interesting life and career, it makes me sad to think how few people were still alive to remember him at the end.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread, I guess it’s cathartic to write it down and cheaper than therapy! While illness and death is never pleasant, am I wrong to think that, in general, we’re actually making the end of our lives worse by living for too long?

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 17/10/2022 21:40

All depends really. I walked parkrun last week with a guy in his early 90s. Sure he's exceptional, but I'd be delighted to get to his 95!

paintitallover · 17/10/2022 21:41

I agree it's his body, his choice.

HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 21:44

urbanbuddha · 17/10/2022 21:31

@HighlandPony

But is that correct? It's his body his choice. I don't know, but I think he should have a chat with his GP about how he'd rather have quality over quantity. It's his decision whether to take a course of medication. He can ask about pain management. He'll have to talk to the doctor though not a nurse. He'd have to be compus mentis to make that decision. He should also find out about Do Not Resuscitate - I think there are different levels of these and again he has to be compus mentis to sign one.

He has a dnar already in place, wasn’t too hard to get him one during covid. That is correct unfortunately, his gp won’t proceed - refers to hospital consultant in charge of his care who doesn’t think my grandad is capable of making those decisions because the pagets affects the brain. But it’s not the pagets. His arguments are coherent and valid. He’s buried two wives, two children and multiple friends. His health isn’t getting better, his conditions aren’t curable, his mobility is severely restricted which has an affect in his quality of life and his independence. He very much feels fulfilled in his life and has achieved most of what he wanted out of life and he feels nature has called his cards but modern medicine won’t let him go - those are his poker related words not mine. Those aren’t the words of some dithery old man who can’t tell tuesday from a marsbar and the man sitting in his conservatory every day waiting for someone to wash him and put him to bed isn’t a man my grandad would have chosen to be.

Hbh17 · 17/10/2022 21:44

An unfortunate side effect of advances in science and medicine is that so many people live for far too long. What is the point of keeping someone alive to 90, if the last 10 years of their life are miserable, full of illness etc? I sincerely hope that I drop off my perch nice and early - quality of life is so much more important than the total number of years.

HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 21:44

Wow. That was long. Sorry

Blossomtoes · 17/10/2022 21:50

So sorry @HighlandPony. Poor, poor man.

Thrownunderabus · 17/10/2022 21:54

Blossomtoes · 17/10/2022 20:55

You can’t just trot off to Dignitas because you fancy dying. You have to be compos mentis and have a terminal illness, with six months or less to live.

And have around £10,000 I believe.
There was a phone in on radio 2 of someone who took their mum/wife there. I was crying listening to it on the radio on the drive home from work, they said how lovely it was for her to go on her terms and for them to be able to spend the time saying goodbye.

Ohyeaohyea · 17/10/2022 21:59

Indeed. All life is suffering ultimately. As the Buddha said.

EmmaH2022 · 17/10/2022 22:03

With you OP

actually find the prospect terrifying.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 17/10/2022 22:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/10/2022 22:30

My Maternal grandma died at 83. She'd outlined her husband by many years and all her friends had died. Get house was too big to manage and she was going to probably come and live with us in a granny flat. It was definitely the right time for her. Any longer would have been miserable.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/10/2022 22:31

Only 7 at my grandmas funeral as well.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/10/2022 22:33

I do think the Queen got it right though! Had all her faculties right to the end. Very quick decline and death.

Turquoisesea · 17/10/2022 22:40

I think it very much depends on your health and quality of life. My DFil is 91, although old is still mentally very sharp, can still walk a fair distance without any walking aids, still drives, still married to DMil who is 10 years younger. Lives round the corner and sees DH every day and loves to come round for a chat / meal and a couple of glasses of wine, can still beat us all at scrabble! My DM however is 87, has advanced dementia and in a care home, is bed bound, incontinent and just asleep most of the time. So similar ages but very different lives.

Mogginsthemog · 17/10/2022 22:51

It depends. My grandad lived to over 100 and yes he slowed up and became more dependent on others. He manged to weather a couple of hospital stays, but came out the other side.
He wasn't doing much towards the end of his life but I think he was mainly contented seeing family etc. until he had to go into a care home , but he was not there that long until he died.

It's true he didn't have that many at his funeral, maybe 15ish but , does that matter?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 17/10/2022 22:53

85 for me.

Mum lived to 97, one day was cooking for us, died the following night (I pray in her sleep but no way of telling).

Objectively she had a great life - lived near us, relatively good health and mobility, still sharp as a tack. The crem was packed for her funeral and she would have loved the afterparty.

But in her last 7 years she lost a beloved daughter, lost all her friends to death or dementia, moved 200 miles from where she’d lived since 1946 to be near family, was dependent on us for her social life, moved into a care home because she found living in sheltered accommodation lonely, developed a nasty but not life threatening condition. She toughed it out and put the most positive spin on everything but If she had died at 90 she would have missed so much sadness and difficulty.

So I’ve chosen 85 (maybe 90 depending on how life and finances hold out) but hope I have the guts to stop all my life-sustaining medication and take my chances. And I have an Advance Decision in place already.

LikeAStar1994 · 17/10/2022 23:02

I'm so sorry for your losses OP.

I've always said I don't want to live a long life. In fact if I was ever told I wouldn't make it past 50, I'd be perfectly fine with it. I'm very much a "It is what it is" person.

However I would never try to end my life. That's one thing I definitely wouldn't do. I can't tell anyone this is in real life because they'll only say I'm depressed and I'm not.

I just know what I want and I'm not a people pleaser. My life is my own.

urbanbuddha · 17/10/2022 23:06

@HighlandPony

That's awful.
I think hospital consultants can have an inflated sense of their own worth sometimes.
He very much feels fulfilled in his life and has achieved most of what he wanted out of life and he feels nature has called his cards but modern medicine won’t let him go - those are his poker related words not mine.
If he is clear about it and can express himself as well as that I think he has the right to be listened to. If you can, have a chat with his GP. Maybe PALS or one of the age related charities could help. Also, he has the right to a second opinion.
I really hope I'm not upsetting you here or being insensitive. My grandmother died of her 13th stroke in 7 years. I know how heartbreaking it was to watch her decline from an elegant witty woman as she lost mobility and speech.

Florenz · 17/10/2022 23:11

Years ago people who lived into their 80s would have been in the same position who die now in their 90s are.

I personally would not want to live too long and have my faculties or physical abilities decline too much. 80-85 probably.

I always remember that French woman who lived to 122. She was 70 at the end of WW2 and then died in the same month as Princess Diana.

FrazzledHippy · 17/10/2022 23:25

YANBU.

I work in a care home and have watched lots of people literally shrink away to nothing once they're on palliative care. It's awful and I wouldn't wish that type of end on anyone.

Sympathy for your losses OP

sparkle17 · 17/10/2022 23:27

I don't want to live that long. I think post 80 years old I won't get vaccines for flu/covid and other basic medications and see where life takes me.

Mother87 · 17/10/2022 23:28

Agree with various PP's - health being a major factor. My DFather died @ 89 after a very short illness. Despite his age, we were honestly "shocked" as he was driving/cooking/"looking after" me & my home/meeting his adult grandkids for lunch. And he was "frequently grumpy" about life shall we say (possibly depressed at times - not a subject he'd ever discuss or acknowledge. He would say from his 70's that he didn't always want to wake up, had had enough - and he was fit and healthy. (he was Singaporean Chinese. Emotions weren't a "thing") When he DID realise he was seriously ill & might not have long - he was truly devastated, regardless of age. It was my first parent-loss & I too was/am heartbroken as we don't talk about grief, the implications, the effect on all. It sounds naive I know - but I thought it musn't be "so bad" if you were older. Sorry, I know that's a slightly different but related subject. Whereas DM 82 struggles health-wise/is "lost" without DF and despite having just a few but meaningful people around, has many "what's it all about now" moments. So, I think living such a long time and it being "worthwhile" is about it having meaning/good health/autonomy/connections...

yellowroses7 · 17/10/2022 23:36

My Grandad died 87 and gave up on life the last few years he just sat in his chair in his living room watching tele all day..got to the point where he wouldn't wash and dress any more. His mind was fine his body was against him, it was so sad.

His wife, my grandma on the other hand is 93, she drives, goes to lunch with all her family and friend's multiple times a week. She's goes mine dancing once a week. She keeps a 3 bedroom house immaculate and bakes & mows her own lawn. Does her own shopping cooking washing & cleaning.She had had some minor issues & health problems over the years but bounces back quickly but on the whole she is amazing. We cherish her daily.

She told me once the reason why she doesn't deteriorate is because 'she's not going to sit in the corner' she said you can give up n wither away in the corner sat down all day or get up and carry on. If I can get to anywhere near her I would be proud 🥲

Meili04 · 17/10/2022 23:40

If I'm in good health at 95 sure , if I'm doubly incontinent slowly wasting away on a pureed diet because of dysphagia then no. There's a difference between quantity and quality of life and we get it wrong in this country.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/10/2022 23:40

Yep - we have got good at prolonging life without increasing the quality

I hope i made a a lively 85 year old, but if that’s not an option. I’d take a sprightly 75 over a very faded 75 ant day of the week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread