Is it okay to go back to work full time? 18m old + nearly 4 yo

[pandarific]

I work four days, and have one day a week solo parenting and my god, it’s so hard. SO hard. I have had: health issues, repeated driving test issues meaning I still haven’t taken my test yet, we are trying to move house, the baby is suddenly a toddler and is becoming intense, the nearly 4yo is equally intense but in a different way, and we have no money.

I am fucking exhausted, and I feel like I am being a terrible parent when I have them on that one day as I am just exhausted and stressed and I take them out for hours to get them out in the world but it’s exhausting. I get snappy and stressed and I don’t think I can do this all through the winter, trying to find cheap indoor activities that aren’t just germ pits, parenting parenting parenting.

I feel like I want to go back to work full time, which would mean 4 days in childcare each (each child is with a grandparent one day individually). I want more money. I want to not feel guilty about all the tv. Or the money spent on that one day. I am very tired.

I know some people will judge me for it, but I just don't think I can do it right now. When the nearly 4yo is in school I’d like to have toddler more again, but both at once just frazzles me.

Go back to work. Isn't it the norm nowadays to do that once maternity leave is over?

Those that judge you aren't worth your time. Do what's best for you and your family but remember happy mum means happy kids.

I only have one but she was in childcare full time and I only felt bad when other people (men with stay at home wives) made comments about a situation they could never understand. You'll miss them but it makes the time together more special. It's also good for the kids!

Presumably your husband has no such qualms about working full time?

@GlassesWearer full time isn’t usual in my circles of those with pre schoolers.

Then change your circle

@OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide this really isn’t about him, its about how I feel about it. His role requires being physically present and it’s not a flexible place, so unlikely to be approved. He’d happily take them if it was possible for him to, work wise.

I find the only person who judges you, is you.

I never went PT, some of my friends have, some haven't. In Ds1's Year 2 class some parents work FT, some PT some not at all - honestly, noone gives a shit.

Do what works for you.

Just do it! I went back full time when mine were 6 months old. I was fine. They were fine. Death stare for people who judge.

Honestly go back if that will make you happier. I I stayed off and while I enjoyed it personally, it's bloody intense. In fact there is something to be said about reducing hours once they get older, they need you in different ways that you might find you enjoy more, with the bonus of having a career under your belt.

Do it! I work full time 3 x 12 hour shifts a week with a 1, 3 and 4 year old.. I really appreciate going to work and engaging with other adults

I think “happy mum= happy kids” is too simplistic. What if OP is happier working full time but the DC don’t enjoy childcare, for example? I am not saying that is the case but if we are weighing up a decision that involves the children’s well-being the reality is it’s not as simple as what makes the parent happy will also result in happy kids. So if they enjoy being in childcare then I’d say go for it but if they don’t then I’d give it more consideration.

OP is there a possibility of trialling full time work for six months and dropping back down to four days if it’s not proving beneficial for you? I have only worked part time as a parent but I’ve heard an awful lot of parents who work full time say that it’s much harder than working part time with kids. I’m wondering if you’d be trading one type of stress/exhaustion (your current situation) for another?

I hope it's OK, because I went back full time when both of mine were 6m. That's very normal in my circles.

Wtf? Why would it be unreasonable?!

Your post reads as if you’re between a rock and a hard place, you’re not. Be kinder to yourself, you could enquire about a full time trial for 6-8 weeks with a view to making it permanent and see how it goes. I’m currently doing this with my employer trialling 30 hrs instead of 24.

I agree with others, it's absolutely fine & for lots of people the norm.
I'm actually going back next month full time after a year off on my 2nd Mat leave.
I went back 4 days after my first, mostly because of childcare costs.
I've felt really guilty about going back full time, as I also don't know anyone who works full time with young children, but I think for my mental health & financial reasons it's the right choice.
Feels like whatever we do is wrong sometimes & people won't always agree.

Of course its fine to go back if you want to, the choice should be yours, you certainly shouldn't need anyones validation to go back.

Do whats best for you and your family, its irrelevant what anyone else thinks and anyone who judges anyone (either way) needs to be cut out of your life.

Oh and just because others stay at home its unlikely in real life they will judge you. I don't know anyone who gives 2 hoots on what we do professionally or not, they judge us on how we are as a person.

That’s a good idea to do it as a trial. I’d say they’ll be fine with that. I won’t, don’t, would never bat an eyelid at anyone else working ft with very little ones but I feel terrible about it because I’m partly doing it to get out of a 12 hour solo parenting shift once a week when I’m already tired from my working week. Tantrums, nappies, tv guilt, always rushing for something one wants/to fix something wrong then the other one starts asking for something. I took them to a lovely class last week and both of them ended up sobbing on me for half an hour. I nearly bloody cried too.

my Good Parent Brain is saying I should read some self help books and lean in. My Selfish Parent Brain is saying in what time?!? and also, frankly, fuck this shit, I can just sit in a nice clean office and drink coffee and someone else trained and paid to be good at early years education can do that.

It's your life and therefore entirely your call! If you feel that working full time would work better for you, then absolutely go for it if you can afford the extra childcare for that day. I think childcare costs are a big factor for a lot of mums working part time but it doesn't matter what they think or do as they are not you.
Try and be kind to yourself, don't feel guilty for TV etc, it's tough trying to entertain 2 toddlers and get jobs done around work etc. If they are going to be in childcare for 4 days, with a GP for 1 day, they are going to get loads of stimulation then on the weekends when hopefully your DP is around, you can enjoy the time with them more as you have support.

Take care x

So true that no one ever judges fathers for going back to work full time after they have a child! It’s just assumed that they will do.

Honestly though, I would ignore anyone that judges you whether you work full time, part time or whatever. I think few people will have an opinion on it anyway and those that do should mind their own business

Agree with sunlight, I would think about it IF it's possible to row back if needed.

I also praise sunlight for mentioning the needs of the DC in this which rarely happens anymore on threads like this. It's all about the parents and what they need and want.

What about the vulnerable children who maybe want to just chill in theory home, get annoying and angry with the one/two person in the world who will tolerate that behaviour.

Op weighing all this up remember that the trained professionals in a nursery maybe not be all what you think they are.
Unfortunately usually under paid youngsters.

I wouldn't make any decisions without having a true picture of everything.

In a similar position to you (even down to the driving test issues!), but my (incredibly demanding) youngest is almost two and I’m a single mum (to four). Work four days a week currently and just about to go FT. Also fucking exhausted, skint and finding that my one day “off” is spent doing everything at breakneck speed otherwise child loses her shit every ten minutes. Actually going FT to attempt to get into a better routine and because I struggle so much on that one day “off”. It’s not easy, be kind to yourself (and don’t feel bad about going FT).

This is an interesting one for me.

I've worked part-time for the past fifteen years in order to be there for my two DDs. We are lucky in that DP has a well paid job which, when combined with my meagre salary, amounts to about two average salaries. In other words, we have managed fine with me working three days a week, school hours and term time. For me, it was about being there for my DDs and I never wanted them to be in child care apart from the usual pre school then school. I accept that this is probably not the norm, but it was my choice.

My DDs are now 17 and 12 and I am about to start work full time in a new role, new career path. I'm 48 and there have been times over the last few years when I have felt quite depressed about my job situation, especially as the girls got older and my working pattern became less and less necessary. I feel that now is the time for me to do something for myself and I can't wait, but again, it was my choice to essentially sacrfice my career for 15 years.

I also have a different slant on this. For those fifteen years I have worked in a low paid job where I am over qualified - I've worked in child care (pre school) but am a qualified teacher. For what it's worth, I would say give your children some of your time. In my view, the children who are in full time child care are often impacted by it, and this manifests itself through behaviour issues or self esteem issues to name but a few. I'm sure this opinion won't be popular, but just wanted to share my own experience of working part-time to benefit my children and seeing how children of full-time workers are affected.

It’s not “lucky” that your husband has a well paid job whilst you do something below you/on lower pay in order to be the primary childcare. It’s probably the case in 90%+ of cases. It’s sexism. Pure and simple.

My DH and I share childcare. I did more of it while he worked away when DD was little. He does more of it now that I’m working away a lot. We earn more or less the same. I’ve never taken my eyes off my career.

Hopefully DD will be able to demand equality in her relationships should she ever become a mother.

Yes of course it is OK! I worked full time from when my first was 3 months old, until she was 3 (and youngest was nearly 2). I then went part time for a bit, but back full time once youngest started school. They seem to have turned out happy and healthy!