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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it okay to go back to work full time? 18m old + nearly 4 yo

77 replies

pandarific · 17/10/2022 16:26

I work four days, and have one day a week solo parenting and my god, it’s so hard. SO hard. I have had: health issues, repeated driving test issues meaning I still haven’t taken my test yet, we are trying to move house, the baby is suddenly a toddler and is becoming intense, the nearly 4yo is equally intense but in a different way, and we have no money.

I am fucking exhausted, and I feel like I am being a terrible parent when I have them on that one day as I am just exhausted and stressed and I take them out for hours to get them out in the world but it’s exhausting. I get snappy and stressed and I don’t think I can do this all through the winter, trying to find cheap indoor activities that aren’t just germ pits, parenting parenting parenting.

I feel like I want to go back to work full time, which would mean 4 days in childcare each (each child is with a grandparent one day individually). I want more money. I want to not feel guilty about all the tv. Or the money spent on that one day. I am very tired.

I know some people will judge me for it, but I just don't think I can do it right now. When the nearly 4yo is in school I’d like to have toddler more again, but both at once just frazzles me.

OP posts:

Original poster

pandarific · 17/10/2022 18:32

@SharkAttack200 from my op: ‘I have had: health issues, repeated driving test issues meaning I still haven’t taken my test yet, we are trying to move house, the baby is suddenly a toddler and is becoming intense, the nearly 4yo is equally intense but in a different way, and we have no money.’
Also, I’m ND.

are you someone’s MIL by the way? Your tone is just perfect if so.

OP posts:

polkadotpixie · 17/10/2022 18:34

I went back 4 days after maternity leave and felt similar to you so I upped to 5 days, no regrets

newnamenellie · 17/10/2022 18:35

Yep, I’m the one who works in a nursery looking after other people’s children, so 🙄 yourself

Bunnycat101 · 17/10/2022 18:37

You’re in a really good position with the children having 1:1 care with grandparents. That to me would swing it if you’re struggling. But.. I would also caution that I have found school much harder than nursery. I have a similar age gap to you and found my days with two of them at that age really hard. if you did go full time how easy would it be to go back to 4 days once you just have the younger one during the day?

The thing that is much harder with school are fitting in reading and homework, managing the random collections (eg
“we’ve taken your child on a trip and you need to collect them at 2.30 from a random place”) feeling guilty about missing assemblies, work presentations and other stuff you can’t make. It is a massive step-change from nursery. I’m teetering on the edge working 4 days now- full time would tip me over. Partly depends how stressful your job is.

mast0650 · 17/10/2022 18:40

I agree with some of the others though. If they main reason you want to return to work full time is that you are exhausted and stressed, you might want to look at whether you can afford to pay for additional childcare to get some time for yourself rather than go full time. Or reduce your working hours slightly without reducing the childcare.

TwilightSkies · 17/10/2022 18:46

Yes, go full-time. Looking after toddlers is hell 😂
Go and be around adults, have stimulating conversations, earn more money and be a good role model to your children.

Autumninnewyork · 17/10/2022 18:49

OP, I’ve read all your posts but not everyone else’s. Have you considered just having a day at home when you’ve got them both, rather than trying to go out? Is that the knackering bit? If they’re at nursery most of the time then they might rally love a quiet day at home with you. You could structure it with an hour of tv time after lunch and an hour after dinner to give you a couple of breaks. Two hours once a week is fine! But if it’s just that you’re exhausted and it all feels too much just do what you need to do. Feeling guilty will help no one! Hope you find the best solution for you all xx

SharkAttack200 · 17/10/2022 18:59

pandarific · 17/10/2022 18:32

are you someone’s MIL by the way? Your tone is just perfect if so.

Nope, just a mum who doesn't understand having 2 children if you don't want to spend time with them. 1 whole day a week.

Headabovetheparakeet · 17/10/2022 18:59

newnamenellie · 17/10/2022 17:39

@OnceAgainWithFeeling just re-read your repsonse to my post, not quite sure that you've understood the situation. DP always earned way more than me, it wasn't an opition for him to work part time and me full, we wouldn't have had enough income, so unfortunately, I had to take my eyes of my career. When you have children, they're your responsibility and you do what's required to make the best life for them and you all as a family.
Also, my DDs are very clear about gender equality, as are DP and I, just so you know.

Disturbing lack of critical thinking here for a teacher.

TheMoops · 17/10/2022 19:14

Yep, I’m the one who works in a nursery looking after other people’s children, so 🙄 yourself

Then you should be ashamed of your comments.
Asking why people bothered having children is so insulting.

newnamenellie · 17/10/2022 19:32

TheMoops · 17/10/2022 19:14

Yep, I’m the one who works in a nursery looking after other people’s children, so 🙄 yourself

Then you should be ashamed of your comments.
Asking why people bothered having children is so insulting.

Can you explain why my comments are insulting?

As I said, I look after other people’s children and have fallen into that line of work as it enabled me to be there for my own children.

Working in childcare, it wears pretty thin hearing people say that they can’t or don’t want to look after their own children for a small proportion of the week. That’s pretty insulting in my view, insulting to those of us who work for minimum wage, dealing with everything that very young children bring. It’s bloody hard work, exhausting and we’re treated with little or no respect. I’m so glad that I’ll be out of it in a few weeks’ time.

Whats most insulting is this entitled notion that you can have children then someone else will essentially raise them for you, just so you can have a easy life.

Headabovetheparakeet · 17/10/2022 19:33

@newnamenellie

Whats most insulting is this entitled notion that you can have children then someone else will essentially raise them for you, just so you can have a easy life.

Like your DH has done with his kids?

Or does your comment only apply to women?

SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 19:56

Wow, some odd posts on here.
Nursery worker who doesn't think it's appropriate to leave kids in nursery as parents can't be arsed? Your job wouldn't exist otherwise!

I've been a nursery worker in the past so hats off to nursery staff as it's bloody hard, I've also been a parent using childcare.

OP - I am in the same position as you. I had a year off, went back 4 days and wfh. Sick of it! I miss being in the office and the bustle and adult convo. I miss getting nicely office ready. I miss earning as much as DH! So, I'm going back full time! Luckily DD has 2 days with grandparents (and yes, I realise how lucky we are!)

I don't feel guilty anymore about this decision, as I waited until DD was 2 so I think that's a pretty long time these days. I did say to DH if he fancied going part time then crack on but it wasn't for me anymore.

Parents don't often have the option to have lots of time off and work part time etc.

b8tes7sw · 17/10/2022 19:57

Absolutely ok to go back to work FT. Sounds like it's very overwhelming for you and I understand the guilty feeling. Do what is best for you. Have lovely family time all together at weekends or annual leave. It's very common for children this age to be in childcare and early years provision.

I don't want to sound presumptuous but are you ok? Do you need additional support or an outlet? Life is hard, really hard and we shouldn't bear ourselves up for doing what we think is best for our family.

TheMoops · 17/10/2022 20:17

Can you explain why my comments are insulting?
You do t think it's insulting to ask someone why they bothered having children!

As I said, I look after other people’s children and have fallen into that line of work as it enabled me to be there for my own children.

Yet you feel it's appropriate to insult the very people keeping you in a job.

It sounds like leaving would the the best option for you. You sound very resentful of people who go out to work and by doing so mean you have a job!

Whats most insulting is this entitled notion that you can have children then someone else will essentially raise them for you, just so you can have a easy life.

Do you really think people are putting children in childcare for an easy life? While a small proportion of parents might do that ( and I suspect it is a very small proportion) the vast majority of people are doing it so they can work and provide for their children.

And you aren't raising the child you care for at nursery. Their parents are still doing that.

Topgub · 17/10/2022 20:44

@newnamenellie

How much of your ohs time did your children get?

Topgub · 17/10/2022 20:48

Of course you shouldn't feel guilty op.

No one would question why your oh works full time.

That being said I wouldn't have gone part time if he hadn't.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/10/2022 20:49

It’s easy to fall into guilt I think when your children are little.

Mine are 13 now. Have maybe one or two hazy memories of nursery. However I have loads of lovely memories of the times I truly had fun looking after them and playing with them.

Pay no mind to people that only see kids when they’re very little, pay even less mind to those who clearly have very different ideals for mums than for dads.

You are allowed to say that as a mum, you need to do something for yourself. Especially when you think it’ll have a purely positive effect for your personal mental health but won’t have any negative impact on your children.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 17/10/2022 20:51

Just do it! Never mind what anyone in your circle does or does not do.
However, you're not solo parenting, as you have a husband.

Numbat2022 · 17/10/2022 21:00

Do it. I also work four days, and I haaaated my Friday with my toddler during Covid. Nothing to do, couldn't see anyone, nothing was open a lot of the time, couldn't spend money even if we'd wanted to - and I find toddler age really hard work because they can't bloody speak. It was my worst day of the week.

I really enjoy it now he's 3.5 and everything is open again, but I completely understand how you're feeling.

Oinkypig · 17/10/2022 21:01

@newnamenellie you do understand people pay for childcare don’t you? I had to put my child in childcare so I could work to get money to pay for them to have a house to live in and food to eat. I did continue working in the job I spent many years and expense qualifying to do and that I enjoy but yeah I suppose I could have stopped that, got a job in childcare to look after my own child (while caring very badly for any other children left with me because I have never had the abilities and skills to look after children ) as that would have been much better for everyone concerned…….

sheepandcaravan · 17/10/2022 21:03

We are all different.

The only thing that shocks the hell out of me is that you went to soft play for FIVE hours. I hope that's a typo if not therein lies the problem.

I'm the other way extreme, twenty years trying to have a baby, many losses, no hope, had dd, pandemic, another, gave up work. Hate leaving them, now work outdoors part time with them, hard but pays the bills. Huge jump thought. And in fairness, had I not lost all those babies would I be so old, patient and focused on them, probably not. Is it good for them? Probably not as I barely even send them to nursery.

donniedarko89 · 17/10/2022 21:11

mast0650 · 17/10/2022 17:30

Use the extra money you earn to get some help in the house!

This is exactly what I did. I was working 4 days a week and my "day off" became a list of chores, I was always stressed about all the stuff that had to be done. Now I work full time and outsourced the cleaning with the extra money.

IhateHermioneGranger · 17/10/2022 21:17

newnamenellie · 17/10/2022 18:35

Yep, I’m the one who works in a nursery looking after other people’s children, so 🙄 yourself

Keeping you in a job then.

Alfredo674 · 17/10/2022 21:48

I work full time with 4 young kids albeit I do 12 hour shifts (so I need less childcare)

Honestly. One day per week? I mean yeah toddlers are full on but I would honestly be addressing your anxiety because if you can't manage one day per week looking after your own children when your own parents and in laws do it once per week then that's really concerning.

Lower your expectations, as long as everyone is fed, clothed and had a bit of exercise then what's the issue?

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