Is it okay to go back to work full time? 18m old + nearly 4 yo

[pandarific]

I work four days, and have one day a week solo parenting and my god, it’s so hard. SO hard. I have had: health issues, repeated driving test issues meaning I still haven’t taken my test yet, we are trying to move house, the baby is suddenly a toddler and is becoming intense, the nearly 4yo is equally intense but in a different way, and we have no money.

I am fucking exhausted, and I feel like I am being a terrible parent when I have them on that one day as I am just exhausted and stressed and I take them out for hours to get them out in the world but it’s exhausting. I get snappy and stressed and I don’t think I can do this all through the winter, trying to find cheap indoor activities that aren’t just germ pits, parenting parenting parenting.

I feel like I want to go back to work full time, which would mean 4 days in childcare each (each child is with a grandparent one day individually). I want more money. I want to not feel guilty about all the tv. Or the money spent on that one day. I am very tired.

I know some people will judge me for it, but I just don't think I can do it right now. When the nearly 4yo is in school I’d like to have toddler more again, but both at once just frazzles me.

Use the extra money you earn to get some help in the house!

If it is manageable then why not.

They're safe in childcare and you'll get to eat lunch in peace.

@OnceAgainWithFeeling I agree to an extent about the sexism thing - absolutely, however my DP would have gladly taken on the part time role if it were financially viable. As I said, it has only worked for us because I was able to get a job using my teaching qualification meaning it was term time, school hours. I'd always wanted to get a proper part time taching job but never found one, so made do with child care role instead. Our priority was that someone was there for our DDs and DP earns way more than I can, so there was no real choice.

Since having DC I’ve been full time, part time and a SAHM. I definitely felt more judged as a SAHM and part time than I did full time. Lots of comments about being a ‘partimer’ must be nice. And when a SAHM lots of comments from family about poor DH being the only one working (it was his idea to have 2 under 3!). Go full time if that’s what you want to do (although if you’re considering dropping to part time again once the 4yo is in school maybe consider how easy that will be to do).

@OnceAgainWithFeeling just re-read your repsonse to my post, not quite sure that you've understood the situation. DP always earned way more than me, it wasn't an opition for him to work part time and me full, we wouldn't have had enough income, so unfortunately, I had to take my eyes of my career. When you have children, they're your responsibility and you do what's required to make the best life for them and you all as a family.
Also, my DDs are very clear about gender equality, as are DP and I, just so you know.

I think things are changing, although I know you say your circle are all part time. For me and the people I know, full time is totally normal. Not aware of anyone who's ever judged me. I can't really afford not to work full time. If I did part time, we'd be scraping by. I don't want to scrape by. I want holidays, nice clothes and wine.

I wouldn't feel guilty. I work full time and never feel guilty. It was just too bloody hard and I couldn't cope with them. Now they're older I'm toying with the idea of doing a 4 day week but only if I can get a substantial pay rise so I'm on the same money overall. Its fucking mental expecting one woman to care for two under twos / threes day in day out.

I was the DC and I never felt less loved or cared for that DM worked FT. By secondary school I was immensely grateful as I had so many friends who could never do activities they wanted because there was always a shortage of money at home. DH had this and has been much more affected by his (utterly wonderful) parents never having quite enough money than I have been by both my parents working FT.

It’s not like you’re only doing 2 days now - is there much difference between 4 days and full time?!

Of course it's fine, but the reasons aren't so persuasive. Are you sure you won't just be punting a lot of the stress to weekends, the laundry, the replacing things they've outgrown, food shopping,
dr appointments?

Also, how much attention and stimulation do you think they get at nursery? Lower your standards to that level and it might suddenly not seem so bad.

OP, I think you should have full-time childcare and work 4 days. No, seriously, that is my ideal.

Other than that, sometimes if you are working 4 days, sometimes you get as much work done as people working 5 days, work can expand to fill the time. So you can work 4 intense days or 5 slightly easier days.

What people seem to forget in all this, is that your children, are just that, YOUR children. Why should someone else look after them full time? They’re the responsibility of you and your partner. In an ideal world, the two of you could share the childcare/working pattern. I don’t get why people bother having children if they don’t want to be with them…

You don’t live in a vacuum. Why do the majority of men earn more than women? Because women are (more often than not) the ones who take time out having babies and then want to work part time.

Once past breastfeeding there is no reason a man can’t be the primary care giver. Except society and its sexist workplace constructs. Push back!

I do want to be with them, I just don’t want to take care of both very needy small children on my own for a whole day when I’m already exhausted and just end up overwhelmed and frazzled. I want to take care of them when my DH is there and we can all be together and have nice family time.

I had them both on my own all day yesterday while DH worked, I took them to soft play and we stayed for about 5 hours. Had a mostly lovely time. Until DS (nearly 4) started being naughty. I told him he had to put his socks on (he wanted to walk up the big slide) and when I picked him up to move him away and put his socks on he had a tantrum and bit me really hard on the hand while I tried to calm him down. All was in front of my friend and her son - completely humiliating. And then he was Not Listening when we came home and my DH got home, refused to help tidy the very messy up, lots of crying. It’s very hard sometimes.

Go back to work full time. The economy is going to tank and you will be greatful for the extra money.

I’ve got a 4 y/o and 2 y/o and work full time. I have had the head tilt/how could you do that from several mums I know but a) they have had inheritance and generous gifts of £££ from parents and/or b) have quiet and placid children not two firecrackers I have who just want to run around all day non-stop!

I voted yanbu because going back full time is not a big deal.

But I think you need to explore why you can't enjoy a day on your own with the kids. I love work and I love a day with the kids too, they are high maintenance at that age but can you find things that you all enjoy doing that make it easier? What have you tried? You say you are on your own - have you tried play groups or playdates on that day? Visiting relatives? That could help. Trying to do housework or chores is not a good idea.

But parenting isn’t about picking and choosing when you look after them. There are highs and lows and it’s hard work.

If you went back full time could you afford a cleaner?

DH and I both work full time, DC 6 and 2 are happy at school/nursery, but we are always shattered trying to fit housework into evenings and weekends.

You don’t need to feel guilty. If you’re happier you’ll be a better parent, do what is right for you.

There's nothing wrong with full time but I don't understand how you can't look after your own 2 children on your own.

@newnamenellie 🙄

I personally think parenting is about getting them raised as healthy well adjusted independent adults, without going absolutely postal in the process.

There's always one 🙄

Absolutely go back full time! Fuck anyone that judges you.