Only child AIBU?

[Izwizi]

I am 37 and have a nearly 4 year old daughter. Husband is the same age as me. Life is pretty sweet; we have a happy household and we have equal input in raising our daughter, both working full time. We struggled to have DD - she was our 6th attempt at IVF - due to my absolute lack of periods/severe PCOS. Bizarrely, since DD my periods are as regular as clockwork.

We actually both agree that we are happy with one child. And honestly, I don’t think I can be arsed to go through pregnancy and the early days of babyhood now. At 4, DD is extremely portable, I just feel that more of the world opens back up to you when you emerge from those baby/toddler days.

but why do I feel like I’m on the precipice of regretting this one day? I’ll admit that I sometimes go down a rabbit hole which ultimately concludes that only children never feel a sense of belonging and feel generally lonely. I have a great relationship with my brother and I sometimes feel sad that she’ll never experience that thing you have with a sibling that you can’t quite put your finger on.

I don’t really know what the solution is here so I suppose - AIBU to worry that we’re doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling?!

I think this is something lots of parents ponder! Especially perhaps when you've had a difficult time getting pregnant and know that another baby would equally likely be a lot of effort and risks.
Having an only has lots of advantages too. One child is very portable! You can concentrate your time and energies and you're already a happy unit. Siblings don't always get on...

I don’t think anyone can tell you this, it’s up to you. How often does DD herself talk about wanting a sibling?

I know a few only children (all happen to be girls) and they are all slightly “individual” in the sense of spending a lot of time alone breeds the habit of thinking quite insular. Some of them struggle to share or struggle with empathy that kids the same age who have siblings don’t seem to. Then again, it could just be these particular children!

I’m in a very similar position except Dd is now 6. She is so easy now, life is very good. I’ve got a great career back on track after mat leave and working part time when she was little.

I find myself missing having a little 18 month old and keep thinking I’ve done it before it won’t be that hard (ha ha!) but I also just don’t think I can go right back to the beginning.

Basically I’ve given myself until the end of next year to make a decision (I’m slightly younger than you) and whatever I decide then I’m going to stick to and be happy for what I have.

It’s so tough and it’s one of those things I think you’ll go back and forth on constantly until you decide and then stick to it. Each decision will bring regret, it’s just working out which one will be the regret harder to live with. Good luck, and do let me know what you decide!

As an only child I'm honestly fine, I share and can share.
from being small I was very empathetic and arguably too empathetic of others feelings.

only children turn out fine! We are capable of thriving in life, there seems to be this belief that we turn out odd and not nice!

I was allowed to be me with no comparison to a sibling and develop my own interests.

I'm exactly the same, also have a 6 year old daughter, i'm same age as OP so i think i need to decide a bit sooner but i can't! I go back and forth on this every day. It's driving me mad the indecisiveness .

I have an only child, and it's worked out well I think. We have enough money and time / headspace, and all three of us are generally happy. We'll never know what it would have been like to have another though, so 🤷‍♀️.

I’m an only child and I’m fine. I’ve got lots of good friends and find it easy to make friends.

My mum on the other hand has a sister who is absolutely awful, caused my mum so much grief and pain throughout her life (drugs, lies, stealing etc etc).

If you want another baby, you should have one for you - but not to give your daughter a sibling. There’s no guarantee that they will get on like you and your brother have.

Thanks for the responses. Ostryga, you sun it up perfectly. At every stage, newborn, 6 months, 1 year, 18months and so on, I always said “I think this is my favourite stage” when the truth is, I’ve just always loved being her mum. But the thought of having to go through all that again is so off putting. If I could magic up a 3 year old, I would. 😂

I think if it weren’t for all the stereotypes/assumptions made of only children (whether they’re largely accurate or otherwise) I wouldn’t obsess over it.

DD hasn’t actually ever asked for a sibling but perhaps that will come one day. She’s actually a very sociable little thing and is the type to always leave a beer garden playground having ‘buddied up’ with another kid. Appears to share really well with mates’ kids and likes being around other kids. Makes me a bit sad how much she enjoys it sometimes.

she gets a lot of attention from us. Personally the only thing I notice is that she is very stubborn and sometimes I wonder if she thinks of herself as more ‘equal’ to us than she would if she had a sibling.

i many times feel the same as you and the fact my son has said mummy is having a baby and he's even given a name to the baby is not helping but i always think that a child is not coming to help on the other child not being alone, that they shouldnt have a responsibility in live.
Also i try to think how life would change if the baby came with health problems and how that would affect our current life specially my son's.

and how would a failed pregnancy loop affect my son, i have pcos as well and getting pregnant and pregnancy werent easy so if that happen again, would i feel the same?

because of all the above we've decided that our son will be our only one. we like the current live we've , i'd have loved to have another one but live is not always what we once loved and adjust our love to what is more realistic to happen

There's just over a 5 year age gap between me and my brother, which is the minimum you'd be looking at if you had a 2nd baby. We were never close growing up as we were always at different stages and had very different interests so i wouldn't worry about her being an only child. Making friends easily and enjoying their company is very different to living full time with another child who's much younger than you!

i'm an only child as is DD12. She loves being an only, she gets to do all the things she loves (within reason) and we have a big extended family on DHs side with cousins ranging from 23hrs younger than her to 18 months old. She's really sociable (as am I) and neither of us have ever wanted for company. She has lots of friends both at school and at the stables.
don't discount having an only because if societal expectations to provide a sibling, I would have hated to share my mum and I loved being an only child. Dd and I have very close bond, in fact we are on holiday together now for a week having left Dh at home.
People will often say- but who will help you when your parents get old ? All I can say, being in the position of providing daily help, as that I knew it would fall to me and I can't be disappointed by other siblings not stepping up. My uncle never helped my dad once with my granny.

I don't know why only children have this reputation of being selfish, unable/unwilling to share, etc. You don't need siblings to teach your child to share, they learn this from their primary carer and with their friends/peers as they grow and develop.

FWIW, both my FIL (now deceased and sadly missed) and my DH are onlies. Both are/were the most generous, thoughtful and considerate men I have ever come across. My DS is an only and shares happily, although he's not yet as damn nice as his paternal forebears, he's still a teenager (and autistic) so has time to grow into the kind of man his father and grandfather are/were.

Whatever suits you is the way to go, but don't think your DD will be somehow less-than because she is an only child, this just isn't so. And having just one is so many times easier than having more. It brings its own individual issues for sure, no situation is perfect, but there are so many advantages to it!

I think your DD is slightly older so they may not be that close, but weirdly the larger the age gap the better. So maybe wait a couple of years and see how you feel. I was a surprise, DM was 38 and much older sibling. We're really close

Only slight regret here (after 16 years) is that I think lockdown might have been easier with a sibling for company as well as parents. DD is not bothered at all by being an only, and says she doesn't think it would have helped to have a sibling in lockdown.

"I think if it weren’t for all the stereotypes/assumptions made of only children (whether they’re largely accurate or otherwise) I wouldn’t obsess over it."

Too right. When I worked through the pros and cons, I realised that the main reason I had for wanting another was the views expressed by others (in particular, my mother - she didn't voice those views after DD was born, but I'd heard them when I was a teenager and didn't forget). Once I realised that, the decision was easy.

Abd the examples of sibling relationships, particularly in my mum's family, are so bad they definitely put me off having a sibling in the hope they would be a support. My aunts and cousins all had/have very poisonous relationships.

If you're happy with one, stick with one. I've never bought into the "lonely only" or "only children grow up selfish" that I used to get told 🙄 (I wanted another, it just wasn't happening but didn't really want to broadcast the fact) but plenty of "onlys" (or those with a big enough age gap for it to be a similar experience - DH's sibling is 10 years older than him and away at university then out building a career for half his childhood) grow up just fine, and plenty of siblings hate each other. Friends are the family you choose and all that, she has your full attention and if she has friends as well / seems to be sociable she'll be fine.

My best friend's mum said she had another because BF was such an easy child, so laid back. Then she got BF's brother who was hyperactive and very hard work.

Mines a teen and an only. No regrets and she likes being an only. Unless you have a burning desire for more I’d stick if you are happy. Life is definitely easier with one.
I think some stereotypes are outdated from when onlies were rare - lots are only children now especially in mc areas where parents are older.

I think it differs for everyone. I was an only child and hated it, I had an awful childhood and always wished I had a sibling with me so I could have had someone to bond with and share the journey with or even to validate certain memories. I have always felt like I don't belong anywhere so I had more than once DC and they just fight all the time 😂. If your child is being brought up in a happy home then I don't think they need a sibling. You wanting another would be a different story though.

I am an only child and always hated it. I had a happy home, great loving parents, close cousins and lots of material things like ponies but there was always just something missing. I'm not saying it is like that for everyone but I still feel like that now, particularly with both parents now gone.

I worried about this and would still love a second. It sadly wasn't possible for us. However my daughter at 7 loves being an only child. All she sees is her friends fighting with their siblings.

I think there are Pros and cons to both. Siblings don’t always get on, but in some cases they are great friends. Some only children love having all the family resources to themselves and others feel lonely. The only thing I will say is I know 2 only children older adults who had to deal with their parents old age and ill health and resented every minute of it because they had no siblings to share the burden with. They loved their parents dearly, but by the end it made them feel weighed down.

A lot of the stereotypes about only children have been proven wrong. But I agree with some of the PPs - you should have another baby if you (and your partner) want another baby, not to give your DD a ‘best friend for life’ or a playmate.

I think only children may miss or want a sibling at a certain stage, but any only child I know as an adult is fine and not lonely (and having a sibling is no guarantee they'd get along anyway). In fact your child may resent suddenly not being the centre of attention!

My only child has never wanted a sibling, and looks horrified if I suggest the possibility 😄.

I always thought I'd have two children, but by the time I felt ready to think about another, the age gap would have been bigger than I wanted. It didn't feel like a loss to make the decision though 🙂.