Only child AIBU?

[Izwizi]

I am 37 and have a nearly 4 year old daughter. Husband is the same age as me. Life is pretty sweet; we have a happy household and we have equal input in raising our daughter, both working full time. We struggled to have DD - she was our 6th attempt at IVF - due to my absolute lack of periods/severe PCOS. Bizarrely, since DD my periods are as regular as clockwork.

We actually both agree that we are happy with one child. And honestly, I don’t think I can be arsed to go through pregnancy and the early days of babyhood now. At 4, DD is extremely portable, I just feel that more of the world opens back up to you when you emerge from those baby/toddler days.

but why do I feel like I’m on the precipice of regretting this one day? I’ll admit that I sometimes go down a rabbit hole which ultimately concludes that only children never feel a sense of belonging and feel generally lonely. I have a great relationship with my brother and I sometimes feel sad that she’ll never experience that thing you have with a sibling that you can’t quite put your finger on.

I don’t really know what the solution is here so I suppose - AIBU to worry that we’re doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling?!

I'm an only, with an only.
We are fine.
Don't feel pressurised to have more kids. The grown up versions of your children might not even like eachother. I totally understand the 'getting out of the baby/toddler haze' and absolutely enjoy and love spending time with my child.

Sod the assumptions and stereotypes. They’re lazy.

I have a sister yet it’s me who has to do 99% of the work with an elderly parent. She’s just checked out.

It's fine having an only child if they find it easy to make friends and they have a large range of cousins and a big family etc otherwise it's quite lonely for them.

Loads of advantages to just having one - particularly from a financial point of view!

I had 1child. The whole "only children get lonely" trope certainly didn't apply to her. From as far back as I can remember she has always had friends and when she got to school age, most of those friends spent a great deal of time at my house in order to get away from their siblings.
I have 2 sisters. The eldest bullied me as a child and is quite nasty to me now we're adults. I never shared any of my younger sister's interests, so we didn't really spend a lot of time together and had different friendship groups. Believe me, having a sibling is sometimes not the great thing many people think. I wish I'd been an "only" child.

FWIW I don't regret for 1 moment having 1 child, there is no way I would risk her having the kind of siblings I did.

Mines 9 I'm only 29 and when I think about having another I feel awful. My life is very nice and DD has no wish for a sibling.

DS has the best of both as he’s an only 12 days a fortnight and then has DSS (who is 8 years older) every second weekend. They both appear to enjoy having a part time sibling and all the benefits of being an only the rest of the time. I guess not such a practical solution to your problem though 😂

In modern life I don’t see how it’s lonely. Most children go to nursery and school and do lots of activities.
So school days they are with children all day and then with children in evening at brownies etc. Weekends more activities and can play with children at park or play date. Holidays - will be in childcare/kids holiday camp or away with parents.
So 2 children is just more running around for parents - one to football, one to dancing etc.
I’m 2 years apart from brother but we never really played together had totally different hobbies and friends.

I think if you only have 1 you are more receptive to friends - I’d always take a friend on a day trip if she wanted or have them for tea before brownies usually because their mum was juggling other children.

I'm an only child. Never once felt lonely and there is no cast iron guarantee siblings will get on. Just look at the threads on this site for proof.

I echo this. I hate being an only child

I think it is as an adult that I missed having a sibling most. It is a lot of responsibility on your own for ageing and increasingly infirm parents. I never resented it at all and my DH couldn't have been more supportive. It just would have been nice to have had a sibling to share the big decisions and responsibility with.

I know an only child who married an only child and only have one child themselves because they both loved being an only child.

Wow - can’t thank everyone enough. Not just because you said what I wanted to hear but because. So much made sense - particularly about siblings not necessarily getting on. So true and sadly I think a lot of families have experience of this. appreciate everyone being so generous with their viewpoint, lots of food for thought here.
we’ll definitely be sticking with one but perhaps when the guilt sets in I’ll return to this thread and ‘give my head a wobble’. And I agree - learning care for others and respect starts at home and we’re so mindful of this.

You won't feel guilty.
You''ll watch family and friends adding to their children with all the added stress and think "rather you than me mate" and react in horror when anyone suggests having more.
especially if a family member with lots of kids expresses jealousy at all the time/cash you have on your hands to please yourself.... you may or may not quell the desire to reply "shouldn't have had all those kids, then you'd be enjoying the same !"

I have endo and DD now 9 seems like she was my miracle. We tried for years then had her. Tried for more years and couldn't get pregnant. I had an op and a cyst had invaded my tube. I could've had ivf but we chose not to and invest our energy and money in what we had. I sometimes wonder what if but I don't regret anything

Oh I don't know... it's sounds like you have a lovely life and you're all content. I'd be loathe to disrupt that without good reason. If you had a difficult pregnancy/difficult baby or heaven forbid a child with complex needs then your lovely life could be altered forever.

It's natural to wonder "what if" and fear you may have regrets. I have two DC. I hated the baby/toddler years with a passion but having one child simply wasn't an option for me, (my sisters are my best friends in the world) so even though I found having two tough going - I had been so sure it would be something that paid off long term it that it was bearable. If you don't have that longing for a second then I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I actually always wanted three as I come from a family of three, but when they got a little bigger and things were finally so good with two (and like you I really couldn't be arsed with the baby lifestyle again) then I decided not to rock the boat. I still ponder the third from time to time but life is so sweet right now I think I'd be foolish to roll the dice so I'm sticking as I am.

I know a number of happy, well adjusted only children. Usually quite close with cousins and really value and put time and effort into their friendships. Just work on cultivating that for her? Oh and as an aside my first born (like many first borns IME) is the most stubborn child I've ever met, who at six often considers herself our equals 😆

And btw dd really wanted a sibling she used to ask and ask and say it wasn't fair (too young to understand at that time). She now knows mummy's ovaries don't work very well and actually she's fine with it. She has loads of friends and makes friends everywhere we go.

Paha that made me laugh! I do already though - me and DH always do a joky shudder across the sofa from each other when mates announce a second/third/forth pregnancy by text on a Tuesday evening so I don’t even know why I question this so much 🤣🤣

Most siblings in my circle get on. I think having a sibling is important at certain times in life, like when a parent dies. Only you and your sibling(s) really understand and can reminisce and support each other through shared experience. So, even if there's an age gap, you still have that 'person' that had the same mum, dad, family life and home as you.

However, I'm so close to my 4 siblings and I speak only from experience. If I hated them, or if they were bad people, I'd feel differently obviously.

My DD really wanted a sibling from the age of 3 she talked about it. I could only conceive through IVF due to multiple losses and loses both tubes to ectopics. So we ventured into IVF. we eventually did and it's honestly the best thing I've ever done. She worships her siblings (twins).

If you could conceive without "problems" then I'd say having a singling is always preferable to not having one in my eyes but going through multiple rounds of IVF did have a huge effect on my eldest

My Horrible Aunt has 3 daughters
none speak to each other
the eldest has two children who also don't speak to each other
this has mainly been stirred up by my aunt who fans the flames of sibling rivalry.

they won't be supporting each other when Horrible Aunt shuffles off this mortal coil.

I am an only child and have never once thought I wish I had a sibling 😂 it's a funny thing when you're an only child because you've never had to 'share' your mum and dad so the thought of having too is horrible!

But whether children have siblings or not they really don't know any different either way. I did have a childhood friend from when I was about 3 and she is also an only child. We are still best friends to this day and often refer to each other as sisters.

Mad question but who else does she have family wise? Are there cousins? Aye you close with them?

This stuff genuinely never crossed my mind being from a big family and in an area where big families are common and extended family are near but since being in here the amount of women who lack support and say only child, no family, etc was an eye opener. When she grows up will she have that if your brother has kids and like you said you have a good relationship with him So to speak

they won't be supporting each other when Horrible Aunt shuffles off this mortal coil.

Assuming OP and her DH isn't horrible then that is highly unlikely to be their children's experience. Most siblings I know get along in adulthood even if they're not close. If no one is speaking then somethings gone horribly wrong along the line.