Only child AIBU?

[Izwizi]

I am 37 and have a nearly 4 year old daughter. Husband is the same age as me. Life is pretty sweet; we have a happy household and we have equal input in raising our daughter, both working full time. We struggled to have DD - she was our 6th attempt at IVF - due to my absolute lack of periods/severe PCOS. Bizarrely, since DD my periods are as regular as clockwork.

We actually both agree that we are happy with one child. And honestly, I don’t think I can be arsed to go through pregnancy and the early days of babyhood now. At 4, DD is extremely portable, I just feel that more of the world opens back up to you when you emerge from those baby/toddler days.

but why do I feel like I’m on the precipice of regretting this one day? I’ll admit that I sometimes go down a rabbit hole which ultimately concludes that only children never feel a sense of belonging and feel generally lonely. I have a great relationship with my brother and I sometimes feel sad that she’ll never experience that thing you have with a sibling that you can’t quite put your finger on.

I don’t really know what the solution is here so I suppose - AIBU to worry that we’re doing her a disservice by not giving her a sibling?!

I couldn't have imagined not having two, and I really wanted my oldest to have a sibling. However, I always wanted 2 and I didn't have issues conceiving. I also wanted them close in age. If 4 years had passed I might not have been so fussed. My husband was an only child and loved it. Also, these days, the cost of each kid makes a massive difference ... an only child will be much better off financially!!

@Theroad that's just a bit of my family experience of sibling relationships. Until I met Dh I had no family members that didn't have a highly dysfunctional sibling relationship.
my mum's family relationships are totally screwed up.

Not a mad question at all! She has kid relatives on DH side who she is very fond of but unfortunately not regular contact because if distance. Brothers DW is currently pregnant and DD very excited about her arrival next year and has really enjoyed picking out bits and pieces for her when we go shopping for new baby

And brother lives down the road so we’ll see lots of new baby.

I have a (of course I'm biased!) amazing DD6 who is an only. She is none of the clichés people throw around, she is empathetic, sociable and not spoilt (hate that phrase for children anyway).

I say this every time this conversation comes up but I know I am a better parent just having one child, I am able to be more patient, more present, less stressy - our house is generally very relaxed, happy and easy going. I think 2 children are 3xtimes harder than one. Of course we are also better resourced just having one which also makes all of our life easier. It's much easier to have some grown up time too.

Oh she doesn't have lots of cousins etc but she has a best friend and sibling who she's been friends with since birth and they like each others families.

I have a lovely relationship with my brother but the person I go to for help when things are challenging are my DH and friends.

Our DS is a one and only. I did hope for a couple of years that I'd miraculously find out I was pregnant after DS was a couple of years old. But it was always pretty unlikely to naturally fall pregnant and never craved it enough to go the IVF route and don't regret it al all! I don't think I'd have had strength to go through it without feeling like I was missing time and energy for DS. I love spending time with him. Baby to toddler years were bloody hard work and no desire to go back there.

We're a very happy family of 3. I feel a bit sad sometimes that he won't have siblings, but there's no guarantee they'll get on at all. I also don't think it's fair to have a 2nd child 'to give 1st a sibling '. Is that the purpose of the child?! If you crave more children, don't feel complete, want a big brood etc fine, but not just for the sake of the other.

I have tended to gravitate towards other families with just one child. Lots of shared problems - have each other over to play is a favour to help keep them busy! He has a few very close friends he sees a lot of. As he gets older I hope he'll make some really firm friends that will support each other.

I also find we seem to give DS more responsibility and say in things than other bigger families. Including how I remember being treated as child from a big family. We consider him - not just being 'one of the kids'. I find it uncomfortable sometimes seeing how little contribution to decisions that affect them families with bigger families sometimes are.

Then there's the practicalities- space in the house (less bedrooms needed). More disposable income. Easy to stay in hotels. Cheaper holidays. Smaller car. Cheaper childcare. Not trying to find days out suitable for all ages. No one moaning about always being in hand me downs (like me as a kid!). Not running around like a headless chicken trying to do drop offs for different clubs at different places simultaneously. Easier for grandparents to manage having just one around as they get older. The list is endless of the things I don't envy of bigger families!!!!

Also doing my bit for the environment by not adding to the population increase unnecessarily!

I don't feel guilty. We're happy as a family. It's no one else's business!!!

We have an only and couldn't be happier. I was desperate to have a baby before i got pregnant, I was so broody and our son was very much wanted. I haven't felt broody at all in the 9 years since having him, so I don't see the need to have another one as I know the difference between genuinely wanting to have a baby and being ambivalent about it. Our son is pretty happy - he has lots of friends at school, finds it very easy to go up to kids and talk to them and is comfortable around grown ups, not shy at all. He likes to spend time on his own at home, often going to his room to read or build Lego, he doesn't mention being lonely or sad about not having a sibling. He gets proper quality time with us - although we do have to make a proper effort to really include him, as it is just him and us and we can't rely on siblings to entertain each other, we don't want him to feel it's a child vs parents house, if that makes sense. You have to be a parent, yes, but also need to be their friend at times. You definitely can't go with the 'you're their parent not their friend' principle with an only, they need to be able to have someone in the house they can talk to or play with like a sibling at times. I hope that makes sense! It's not as if he can go to his sibling and bitch about DH and I when he gets told off, so it takes a bit of calibrating to make sure he doesn't feel like a lesser member of the household because he's the only child.
Travel is easy, as are weekends. It's all very relaxed. Some friends have two kids and it all looks very easy, they take it all in their stride, whereas some of our friends have at least two and are perpetually miserable. They constantly moan about the stress of having more than one child, there is always a drama or crisis of some kind and they just don't seem to ever have any fun or relaxation. It's not for me and my husband, life as a family of three works really well for us. You should only have another child if you know for certain you really want another - speculating and umming and ahhing about it doesn't sound like a certainty to me.

I have seven children. DSis has one. All the kids have grown up equally happily!

My sibling was a lot older than me and we both felt like only children at times growing up. However, we were great friends once we were both grown up. Sadly, he died at 62. The age gap was always a good thing for us and we used to say we’d got the best of both worlds including zero sibling rivalry.

I tried for yrs and yrs to have a child, so I was 43 when my son was born. I had pre eclampsia and he was very prem. We felt our family was complete and never really worried about it. However, my nephew and his wife got together in their late 30s and had both their kids when over 40

DD is an only and fine. Like all children only children have individual personalities and are not a group to be lumped together. Some may share fantastically etc and some may not but this is also the case with children with siblings.

My daughter was bullied senseless by a couple of girls in primary school. Their parents kept saying she was just sensitive as she didn’t have siblings. It was tripe and they ended up physically hurting her quite badly when they were all 10.

An aside to this really but I fell into the trap of buying into the only children are snowflakes narrative that society imposed on us and letting her down by telling her to toughen up. I’m sure your daughter is lovely and will happy regardless of whether or not you have another.

There’s this weird assumption that having a sibling(s) is always a positive experience. It can also be a negative/inhibitive experience for one or both siblings - both growing up and/or as adults. I think especially (though I have no evidence to prove, just a gut feeling) when you have two children of the same sex who are just a year or two apart in age. The competitiveness can foster many negative emotions. And the parents may often be largely unaware of the negative emotions involved.

It's totally and utterly fine, and extremely sensible to just have one. Stop worrying OP!

If you've got to think about whether you want another baby, there's your answer. Of course you shouldn't.

I haven't read the the thread but I'm an only child. I'm perfectly happy and I have no wider family support (no grandparents, no cousins I see) Dad died 25 years ago. I have good friends, a good husband and a wonderful son which completely feels enough for me

My son is 8 and an only. We always thought we’d have another, but once he was here I never felt like I wanted another.

He is brilliant at sharing, he’s such a kind generous boy. And he’s very empathetic too. He has lots of lovely friendships with both boys and girls. A few of his good friends are also onlys, but others are from bigger families.

I have never really felt a sense of belonging, have been quite lonely in my life. A lot of this I can trace back to my sister being quite vile to me as a child - way beyond normal sibling stuff. I honestly would have been a much more secure person without her as a sister.

My DD is 3 and life is good. No urge for another. Can't be arsed with pregnancy and newborn stage.
She's not going to know any different, so she'll be fine.

The trouble with only children is that the PFB mentality can go on for longer than is healthy for the child. Not always the case though.

We only have one. But he loves being an only child. He likes his own space (takes after me), he’s extremely sociable, kind, helps younger kids, kids and adults alike love him.

im mid 40d now so defo no more, sometimes I think it would be nice to have another but my son says he’s so glad he’s an only, he has loads more experiences and more of our time than he would have with a brother/sister. Overall i think I would have regretted having more far more than just having one

We have one child (she’s only just about to turn one year old but I’m pretty sure we won’t have more). I had a pretty miserable 4 years of pregnancy loss, infertility, IVF to finally have her and as soon as I did I felt like our family was complete. I have no desire to go through all of that again, I think it would be detrimental to DD and it’s a relief that all of that anxiety and stress is over and I’m finally getting to enjoy being a mum. She’s pretty amazing and I want to be the best mum I can be for her, I don’t think I would do as good a job if I had more children. Also environment, money, time, space, there are so many reasons to stick at one. DH definitely only wants one as well and I think our marriage would be hit hard if we had another. I also don’t believe in having a child as a gift to bestow upon another child- each child should be wanted in their own right.

OP I’d recommend a listen of “Only You- A One and Done Podcast” I’ve found it quite helpful to bust some of the myths about having a singleton.

I was raised an only child. I've never felt lonely. I've always had lots of friends through the different stages of my life and I now have my husband, and one little boy and one on the way.
My only advice is to spend lots of time with your DD. I luckily had very involved aunties and grandparents cause my dad wasn't around and my mum was pretty absent (young and didn't know how to be mum)m That's important for only children I'd say from my perspective, more time from mum and dad. In general, I'm a happy person who had a happy childhood.

@kikisparks everyone thinks their own DC are amazing whether they have one or twelve children. We are programmed to think like that. If you think people are better parents because they choose to have only one child (not true), then that makes you just as blinkered as others who say all only children are spoiled (not true either).

I’m also in such a quandary about baby two! My LO is a similar age and it’s been hard worn getting to this stage in terms of time, money and levels of exhaustion. I have moments where I’d love a snuggly baby again and feel really broody. But also feel like I’m depriving my child of a sibling, especially as I’m really close to mine. DH and I have really busy work lives he in particular works really long hours. We also live in London where we are very happy but can’t afford to upsize. We do have another small spare bedroom although it would be a squeeze. I’m a similar age to you op, so really need to make my mind up.

I'm an only child and have never felt lonely or like I don't belong, quite the opposite in fact. Your life sounds good, why rock the boat when you're happy with it 🤷‍♂️

@FirePitSmoke where did I say I think people are better parents because they choose to only have one child? I said I am a better parent for having one. I know my own limits and what works for me. I’ve said nothing against those who have multiples, that’s a valid choice for those who want more than one (obviously).