to feel like we are being used/tested for money?

[FailingMum81]

Strap in, I'll try my best to keep it brief but I really want you to see full picture for advice. DD13, makes new friend at school (DD has had lots of friend issues historically and pretty lonely, has wide group of "friends" but more they are a group than actual friends if that makes sense!) anyway, new friend comes along, also had similar issues - great I thought, two girls very similar this could be the new proper friend DD has been looking for. New friend (lets say NF) invites DD to tea and sleepover, yey great start! She then tells her she must bring £10 because her mum has said so.... lots of toing and froing and basically they are having McDs for tea. I tell DD that hers only comes to £3 and so if I send £5 that will be plenty - mum tells NF to say no, she MUST bring £10 to pay for Just Eat delivery charge...ok gets my back up a little but I go with it. We move on to next invite - come to a day out - there are fair rides at this place (couple of pounds each). NF tells DD 'my mum says she doesnt mind taking you but she definitely is not paying for you' followed by 'I have a £15 allowance for the day so she says you have to bring the same'...now Im starting to get a little irked - I cant afford another £15 on top of last weeks £10 and DD not a big ride fan so maybe would only do one or two. I then arrange a halloween gathering for the group including NF - parents told I will provide all food, entertainment, treats and decorations if they bring their own drinks as I have had issues in the past with some not allowed fizzy, some intolerance, colours etc etc - NF comes back with the response 'my mum wants to know why your mum cant provide the drinks too'. I am really struggling with how to keep responding to these demands. I ALWAYS supply everything when DD has sleepovers, parties, friends for tea etc (that doesnt mean I expect everyone to be the same and have no issue at all in DD paying her way - in fact I insist on it) but really not too sure about the attitude and the way this is coming across or how to tackle it. Dont want DD to miss out, and also NF as I dont think its coming from her but I cannot fund these types of extravagance every weekend. From the outset they appear to be a family similar to ours, both working but possibly close to the bone due to cost of living etc - but AIBU to think that they shouldnt be demanding set amounts and DD definitely shouldnt be having to pay delivery charge for their takeaways?

So her McDonalds came to £3, how the fuck much is delivery? It can't be £7 and even it was, that would be for the whole order - so it looks like you've paid for their delivery.

Cheeky fuckers you've got there

Distance yourselves. Cheeky fuckers alert. Or get the mums number and call her up about it.

But, just check that the info is coming from the parents and not the kid

You just have to respond that you can’t afford what they’re asking for and will send DD with what her food or whatever will actually cost, or unfortunately will have to decline the invitation. Why on earth would you “have to” send DD with £15 just because that was her friend’s allowance? And if her friend doesn’t bring a drink to the party then the others can either choose to share theirs or she can drink water.

Just reply to say there will be water available but of she’d like anything else to bring that along

then distance yourself as it sounds weird, is it def the mum asking and not the kid?

Very weird. I'd call the mom directly and speak to her about it, ask why she was asking for more money than your child needed or would spend

the sensible response is: but we always do it so the child who is visiting brings more than enough to pay for their requirements.

The normal response would be to explain why, as you did up there.

The knee-jerk response would be to rescind the invitation.

Pick one

Have you spoken to the other adult about it?

Get dd to pass your number on with instructions to contact you directly in future. Other parents might not be so bold when not passing message through children. Sound like weirdos tbh.

That is so weird - they are so cheeky!

Well there’s water in the tap so you can easily provide NF with a drink at the halloween party.

I wouldn’t agree to any more outings where money is involved. They are really cheeky fuckers having you pay the delivery charge for McD.

Personally is this the type of friend you want for your DD. I would back off personally

Speak to the mom.

Either the mum has no idea what is going on, in which case you want to discourage the friendship, or she is in fact passing on the messages through her daughter, in which case you want to discourage the friendship.

Very strange. I would have wanted to speak to the parent the first time money was mentioned to work out if it’s coming from her or the daughter.

Have you considered it may be the child, that the child is short of cash and can’t do things she actually wants to so is making this up to ensure she has a secret stash of money herself. Maybe her mum won’t send her with pop and she doesn’t want to look like the poor kid with water? Was the tenner handed over to the mum or the child for the McDonald’s?

deffo speak to the parents. Each and every time.

I'd bet the girl asked her mom if she could have maccies for tea and her mom said she couldn't afford it - same as when the girls asked if she can bring your DD along to the fair.

I’d ask for the mums number and speak direct to her; that issue about the fayre could have been solved that way. Personally I’d never invite a child over and expect them to pay for a takeaway; if i couldn’t afford their takeaway then it’d be something like oven pizza which is very cheap.
I understand that with your DDs issues right friendships you don’t want to discourage this one but personally I think I would as it’s not sounding good

I always communicate directly with DD's friend's parents, she's the same age as yours. Get her friend's mum's number. Next time they decide to do something, say, "Great, I'll just message her mum to confirm." That way neither child needs to be implicated as messengers in what is essentially adult decisions.

Both you and your dd are being taken for a ride. Protect your dd by backing away. If your dd can maintain their friendship without her giving things it will be a miracle, and proves it wasn't a friendship to begin with.

Your poor daughter to find out about cfs this early in life 😥

I'd contact the mum, play dumb and say "I'm sure that there's been a miscommunication, I just wanted to check- surely this isn't right?"
Call her out on the cheeky fuckery and embarrass her.

But I'm not very nice!

On the McDonalds delivery, I would have given dd £5, £3 for her food and £2 for her contribution to delivery (even thought they're very tight to ask for that).

Bonus points if DD asks them how much is delivery and pays exactly her share. They profited from you and your dd which is terrible.

What happened on the fairground trip? Did dd go?

My tip would be to go to the bank and stock up on £1 coins so that you can give dd however much you want and she can manage her money without giving them a tenner or fiver.

It sounds like these people see you and dd as a soft target and expect more from you than they are willing to give, so start being assertive and help build you dd to be assertive.

By 13, I'd expect the DC to be more organising this among themselves. If they were having takeaway, I'd expect them to agree what they have and how they split the bill. Similarly, if they are going to the fair they take their own money (as much as they want/can afford).

So I'd personally suggest staying out of this, and letting the girls sort it out between themselves.

There’s a reason why that girl has issues making friends..

Stop sending your DD there and tell her to invite NF to yours?