My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

to feel like we are being used/tested for money?

117 replies

FailingMum81 · 17/10/2022 10:33

Strap in, I'll try my best to keep it brief but I really want you to see full picture for advice. DD13, makes new friend at school (DD has had lots of friend issues historically and pretty lonely, has wide group of "friends" but more they are a group than actual friends if that makes sense!) anyway, new friend comes along, also had similar issues - great I thought, two girls very similar this could be the new proper friend DD has been looking for. New friend (lets say NF) invites DD to tea and sleepover, yey great start! She then tells her she must bring £10 because her mum has said so.... lots of toing and froing and basically they are having McDs for tea. I tell DD that hers only comes to £3 and so if I send £5 that will be plenty - mum tells NF to say no, she MUST bring £10 to pay for Just Eat delivery charge...ok gets my back up a little but I go with it. We move on to next invite - come to a day out - there are fair rides at this place (couple of pounds each). NF tells DD 'my mum says she doesnt mind taking you but she definitely is not paying for you' followed by 'I have a £15 allowance for the day so she says you have to bring the same'...now Im starting to get a little irked - I cant afford another £15 on top of last weeks £10 and DD not a big ride fan so maybe would only do one or two. I then arrange a halloween gathering for the group including NF - parents told I will provide all food, entertainment, treats and decorations if they bring their own drinks as I have had issues in the past with some not allowed fizzy, some intolerance, colours etc etc - NF comes back with the response 'my mum wants to know why your mum cant provide the drinks too'. I am really struggling with how to keep responding to these demands. I ALWAYS supply everything when DD has sleepovers, parties, friends for tea etc (that doesnt mean I expect everyone to be the same and have no issue at all in DD paying her way - in fact I insist on it) but really not too sure about the attitude and the way this is coming across or how to tackle it. Dont want DD to miss out, and also NF as I dont think its coming from her but I cannot fund these types of extravagance every weekend. From the outset they appear to be a family similar to ours, both working but possibly close to the bone due to cost of living etc - but AIBU to think that they shouldnt be demanding set amounts and DD definitely shouldnt be having to pay delivery charge for their takeaways?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

483 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
4%
You are NOT being unreasonable
96%
BlueRidge · 17/10/2022 13:38

So, you have to send (more than) enough money to cover food/drink/treats when your dd goes there? But when NF comes to yours, you provide everything and they quibble about a drink?

Report
AMDB5 · 17/10/2022 13:39

OP, I just saw one of your earlier replies

The mother is pocketing the change, it really is as simple as that

I wouldn't put up with that personally. If the mother is prepared to take a child's money, what else is she prepared to do

She clearly can't be trusted

Report
Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 13:46

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 12:54

You need to work out if the new friend is a cheeky fuck or if she just has horrible parents - if it's the latter it's not her fault. Just have her round to yours/they can head out to town together from now on. Don't accept any more invitations.

This

Report
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 17/10/2022 13:49

Hopefully your DD replied ‘because she’s not paying for that too’

CF.

Report
Gruffling · 17/10/2022 14:03

I'm not going to answer your question but will give some more general advice. As an undiagnosed high functioning autistic teenager, your DD's situation sounds very familiar to me. I'd assume this is a school group? If so, I'd advise doing everything you can to help DD pursue friendships via other routes - something like girlguiding or other out of school clubs. She deserves better than to be at the periphery of a group. This new person does not sound like a real friend, but I understand why you want her to be.

Report
scarletisjustred · 17/10/2022 14:54

I think Gruffling has the right idea. I have an autistic son and as he matured he picked up social skills and has lots of friends these days. He does have a lot of interests. Occasionally if he couldn't work out how something was done he might ask me about it - like how to pick up a prescription at the chemist. He is training now for a very sought after profession.

I am not trying to be offensive but is there something in particular that your child does that drives off potential friends eg goes on about dinosaurs at every opportunity? Does she understand about taking turns speaking, not talking over people, taking an interest in what the other person is saying, keeping the right social distance and so on? There are books that go over this sort of thing. Does she try to boss the other children or do they compromise on what they are going to do? You might even try role playing this with her.

I think you have to break the association with NF though. It might be tough on NF but your DD must be your priority. I am not pointing the finger at mental illness here and I have no idea whether NF's mother is just a grasping horrible woman but I wouldn't want my young teenager anywhere near this woman. Her behaviour is so odd that I would be really quite concerned about what she might do next. I do think you have been targeted by this woman.

Report
Wibbly1008 · 17/10/2022 15:01

Back right off from them, they are dodgy. They have used you to
pay for both the girls mc d’s, and then got you to fund the rides for both of them in day trip. They are serious cf’s and this won’t get better only worst. Nope, no more, this is a weird family, accept that and distance off.

Report
TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/10/2022 15:04

I wouldn't let your DD go to her new friend's house, and I would explain to DF that they should not be taking money from her, and you do not trust them. The friend would be welcome at my house but if she (or her mother) expressed negative views about the hospitality she received, she would then be welcome not to come back.

Report
TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/10/2022 15:06

Correction: I would explain to DD that I did not trust DF's family.

Report
Letthesunshineonin · 17/10/2022 15:17

I wouldn’t let her visit their house any more if money is involved. I would still invite the friend over and treat her as I would any other friend.

Report
FluffySocks0 · 17/10/2022 15:29

I get why you want this friendship to work out because it sounds like it's been positive for your daughter, but the parents seem like massively cheeky fuckers!! It comes across that they are getting you to subsidize their takeaways and days out and not just asking you to pay your daughter's way.

I'd probably limit her visits to their house and have their daughter at yours instead if that's possible because I can only see them becoming more and more grabby if they think you're accepting of it.

Report
MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 17/10/2022 15:32

Op this is really awful. I wouldn’t like my DD going over there although the girl would be welcome at our house. The mother sounds terrible.

Report
TootsAtOwls · 17/10/2022 15:44

The mum's a cheeky fucker - it's a shame her daughter had to put up with the embarrassment.

Is there any reason your daughter has to keep going to NF's house? It sounds like it's going to come with cover charge every time! Just invite NF to yours in future

Report
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 17/10/2022 15:50

Back far far away from this sort of shit, OP! Just politely decline any further invites but tell DD that her friend is welcome at yours. And don't be tempted to emulate it either - it's not normal to say you aren't providing drinks. Just say that you've got eg coke, orange juice or water but if anyone wants something different they're free to bring your own. also your own life will be much easier if you don't pander to ppl moaning about colours in drinks, ffs

Report
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 17/10/2022 15:51

Sorry, mixing pronouns there! They are free to bring their own, not your own.

Report
tinx · 17/10/2022 15:54

@FailingMum81 the new friends mum sounds like a complete Ahole to me

Report
Peashoots · 17/10/2022 15:56

I’m horrified that this parent is making your daughter pay for her meals when she has a sleepover. I would be embarrassed to ask for money. She’s obviously not skint if she’s ordering McDonald’s Uber eats for the family- she could cook something much cheaper (or even buy supermarket junk food for a fraction of the cost!) and make your daughter feel welcome in her home. I wouldn’t send her again op, but facilitate sleepovers and days out with you instead.

Report
washingbasketqueen · 17/10/2022 16:04

I think you both sound too over invested. You about not providing drinks - why make an issue out of it, just give them water.

With the McDonald's I'm surprised you can get a burger, fries and drink for £3. The prices are more in just eat and then the delivery is £3-4. Perhaps the nf wanted it and the mum said you'll have to pay for it between the two of you.

If you can't afford a funfair just say no. £15 is easily spent. Rides here are £3 per go, then if she wants candy floss/ drink etc.

Report
Obki · 17/10/2022 16:19

With the McDonald's I'm surprised you can get a burger, fries and drink for £3

I’ve just looked at delivery prices - £3.35 in total for a beef burger, small fries and small coke. Service and delivery is £4.94. Even had dd paid for half the delivery, her total comes to £5.82. So they kept over £4 of dd’s money.

Report
temporarysecrettellingnamechange · 17/10/2022 16:38

As other posters have said invite the friend over - that way you can better judge if she's a good friend to DD and not get rinsed for money by the awful mother.

The friends aren't really old enough to not hand over money if asked, or to ask for change back etc. It's tricky when you are in someone else's house to challenge the parent on it.

It does sound a bit like the mother is testing and seeing how much they can get from you. Some people have vampire tendencies, they can't help themselves. But as I learned on a podcast recently you have to invite vampires in first. As someone who has been fleeced for cash more than once by CF's that really resonated. In today's jargon you'd call it boundaries and I think that's what you need to set up here.

Report
Obki · 17/10/2022 17:26

Some people have vampire tendencies, they can't help themselves.

So true. I love my adult nieces but they have inherited vampiric tendencies from my sister.

Report
FailingMum81 · 18/10/2022 06:38

temporarysecrettellingnamechange · 17/10/2022 16:38

As other posters have said invite the friend over - that way you can better judge if she's a good friend to DD and not get rinsed for money by the awful mother.

The friends aren't really old enough to not hand over money if asked, or to ask for change back etc. It's tricky when you are in someone else's house to challenge the parent on it.

It does sound a bit like the mother is testing and seeing how much they can get from you. Some people have vampire tendencies, they can't help themselves. But as I learned on a podcast recently you have to invite vampires in first. As someone who has been fleeced for cash more than once by CF's that really resonated. In today's jargon you'd call it boundaries and I think that's what you need to set up here.

I hadnt thought of it like that, the vampire part, I was just thinking along the lines of maybe Im too soft in that Ive never asked any of DDs friends to do the same - but that makes total sense!

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Brigante9 · 18/10/2022 07:21

I’d be on the phone to the mother asking why she wanted £10 off you for McDonald’s! Weird.

Report
Amandasummers · 18/10/2022 07:43

Like many others op, I'd just make a real effort to ensure NF is always invited to yours. This is such a weird situation and i feel sorry for you all including NF if you say she seems embarrassed by it

Report
cosmiccosmos · 18/10/2022 08:00

The thing is you have control at the moment because you have to take her to NF. So subtly use this control.

I would also say that you need to be careful
If Dd has her own money. She may seek or be manipulated to keep the friendship by giving NF money. For example NF could say your DD can't come over unless she gives money or NF may say she can't upset her Mum so needs the money to give her.

Lastly I think at 13 you should still be involved with some contact with parents. They are 13, still children, you need to know where your DD is, who she's with and roughly what she's doing. My DS is 16, WhatsApp groups are still happening for parties re details etc. I like it.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.